Friday, January 30, 2009

I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul...


I want you to notice.  When I'm not around.  You're so fucking special.  I wish I were special...

"Creep" by Radiohead 

Love that song.  Reminds me of being in my late teens.
It also reminds me of the husband.  Radiohead was our first concert.
Blossom, the summer/fall of 01.  We had lawn seats Thom Yorke was not even an inch tall from where we sat - but they played Creep as an encore.

I remember at one point we had been arguing something.  I don't remember what it was, all I do remember is that I didn't agree with the husband so I grabbed him and kissed him.

We were applauded by the people next to us.

He was taken so off guard that the argument was over.  I wish that still worked.
Not so much.  ;)

Now I just sigh heavily and walk into the other room.  We don't really fight.  I mean, we don't agree on everything - but we've had two big fights in the nearly 8 years we've been together.  So few I remember the dates: May 15 2002 and April 26 2007
I can't remember family members birthdays.  But THAT I remember.  HA!

I tend to mark my life with music.  It started when I began using music when I wrote.  I'll put together a soundtrack of sorts and when I write I'll listen to it so much that it kinda triggers my thought process.  To this day when I hear Rilo Kiley's "Take offs and landings" I think of a 16 year old runaway in 70's NYC.  

Music.

I hung out with my drummer boy today - we discussed how much we miss our little band... it'll be a year on the 9th - the next day I found out I was preggers with the Binkerton.  I was all about playing shows when I was pregnant - I thought it would be rather funny to see a big old pregnant lady up on stage singing with a guitar strapped across her belly... that never happened.  I'm sure it's for the best.  I try never to play shows totally sober - and you can see how those two wouldn't have mixed!  

"Headlining tonight!  An irresponsible drunk pregnant lady AND A.D.D!"  
(happiness is a warm gun... bang, bang... shoot, shoot)

We, me and drummer boy, keep discussing starting a new band but the timing is just off... add to that this is the most creative I am these days.  Yes, I do write some other stuff, but none of its is music.  So I think - cover band!  Karaoke...?
We shall see!  Maybe closer to Xan's first Bday.  Right now I'm gonna concentrate on him being smushy and that he's fighting me tonight!  I think he knows he's sleeping at his grandparents house tomorrow so tonight he's giving me a run.  OH... What am I saying?  I freaking love it.  Even when I'm tired and dead to the world.  I love going into his room and finding him balled up, and when he sees me he gets this big crooked grin on his face.  It take EVERYTHING for me not to start playing with him.

Last night we laid on the floor again.  He spent a half hour rolling into me and randomly punching me in the face.  I looked at him at one point and told him if he was anyone else on this planet, I would have knocked him out... yes... violence... it's fun...

It was cute.  It ended in me carrying him around for 20 minutes, feeding him a bottle and then getting him to crash back out.  I was told he slept till 7.

Soon.  Soon my friends!  Soon, I will have to blog with it's light out!

What if I'm sane?  That's no fun... guess I'll just start blogging when I'm drunk... HA!  Really just kidding on that one.  I do enough stupid things when I'm drunk - probably shouldn't document it in black and white!

I have to go watch BSG now - my inner geek is calling!  

And a new movie to watch - Hamlet 2!

SHAZAM! 
and good night

see...


one too many late nights will make anyone lose their ever loving mind...

*side note*

Since the axis of the planet shifted billions of years ago it has snowed in this region of the world.

SO WHY THE HELL ARE PEOPLE STILL HAVING ISSUES DRIVING IN IT?!!!

You're in Ohio
It's January

DO THE MATH

thank you and good night

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Smoke. Drink. Cuss...


I have tattoos.  I have 4 of them.  

A double Black and Red star on my lower back (yes, yes - tramp stamp)
Cherry blossoms on my right ankle
and two sparrows on my shoulders - ones an angel the other is a devil

The star I got after my divorce.  My maiden name is Stary [pronounced "Starry"] and my favorite colors are black and red.  I was 26.  A friend of mine did it for $20 and dinner at Friday's... A pretty straight forward tattoo. 

My second tattoo was the Cherry Blossoms.  It is on the front of my right ankle.  A friend of mine wanted to get matching tattoos - which I'm against.  I feel it's bad voodoo, a very good way to guarantee the end of something... we haven't spoken in nearly 2 years.  See.  My neuroses have some validity.  I might be breaking my rule on this one soon... but its for someone I consider family - so maybe that'll break the jinx... here's hoping!  Anyway... 
She had some cherry blossoms tattooed on her right shoulder and I had mine on my right ankle.  That too reminds me of my family.  Of being a child.  There is a cherry tree in front of my parents house and once a year it turns pink - the entire street.  It was always a magical thing.

That last one or should I say two are my birds.
I love traditional tattoos.  Sparrows, sailor stuff.  Thats where the birds started at.  Then I had one for an angel and the other a devil - on my shoulders reminding me of the choices I was to make.  The story behind them is much longer than the first two... they remind me of loss.

Nearly to the day, a year before my son was born I was pregnant.
3 months.
We went in to find out the sex.
We didn't find a heartbeat.
October 20th I went into surgery.
Two days before my 32 birthday.

To say it screwed me up is putting it mildly.  
The Halloween party we go to every year I drank for 14 hours straight.  That was a week after the surgery.

I've never had a hang over like that in my life.

That Christmas, as I held my niece and nephew - resentment - for it is a wonderful thing... but I held them anyway.  My nephew was the hardest, he was only a few months old.  I remember being at Red Robin and I went to the bathroom and cried .  Reapplied my makeup and then went back to the table.

Before Christmas I got the tattoos.  Two birds for good luck.  Angel and Devil.  Reminders.
I needed to remind myself that I had an angel too... even if I couldn't see it.
All I wanted was the devil.
Smoke.
Drink.
Cuss like a sailor.  (among other things)

When we had found out we were pregnant again I was elated.  I knew.  Before I took the test I knew.  About a week before, but I figured the worse so I ignored it.
Smoke.  Drink.  Cuss...

We had a show - February 9th of last year.  On the 10th I took the test.  I took two, my husband didn't believe I was pregnant.  I was, very pregnant.  About a month...

where am I going with this... 

Loss it a terrible thing, especially when you don't realize just how bad it is.
And 2008 was a testament to it.  I lost some friends, well, people I thought were my friends. And by "loss" I mean we stopped talking...

Enter superstition #2 - the words "Best Friend" [smoke.  drink.  cuss... and maybe a few hand gestures]

Everyone who has told me I was their Best Friend has dumped me within months of saying those words to me.  So then that happened, plus I lost my mind because I became so ever loving paranoid that I was going to lose Xander that I didn't know what to think or even how to breath.

"Transitional" is a mild word when I look back.  Mind f*ck seems more fitting.

When I had the birds tattooed on me I didn't realize how true they were to me.  
Everyday...
Everyday, good and evil... 
Trying to make the right choice but not wanting to because lying in bed was safer.   

Then Xander came.  And I was happy.
And about two months later my "mood" grew bad again.  
I told people it's the baby blues - but I don't think it was, maybe a little bit, but I think it was stemming from the last year - 
I can't blame the one good thing that I've ever done for my shitty ass mood.

That's where I was going...

My next tattoo is for him.  I just need to make the appointment.
I'm getting his Chinese Zodiac sign tattooed on my wrist and "son" also in Chinese next to it.  It may be cliche, but it's what I want.

This isn't where I planned on going with this blog.  But it just kind of came out.  Its time that it came out.  Carrying the burden of the past year and a half has been beyond daunting.  
I wish I had never seen that ultrasound...

But what dulls it and makes it bearable - Alexander.

The moment they set Xander on my chest.  They even suctioned him on my chest.  
I couldn't breath.
That was what had been kicking me for months.  He bruised me so bad it took 3 months for my ribs to heal after he was born.
That was what had been keeping me up at night.
And he was perfect.

My angel.  Finally.

In the last few weeks I started drifting south again.  
And now I'm done.  F*ck this last year! [smoke.  drink.  cuss.]

I let this funk ruin so much in the last year, I'm not even remotely proud of it.
So what changed?
Someone I haven't seen in 15 years yelled at me. (I deserved it, btw) AT that moment I finally saw what a pathetic being I had become.  
And another person encouraged me to write.  To write true.  And I thank him for that because I think it helped me get to this moment faster. 
And a couple more showed me that the ones I lost... well, the point.  

I have 4 tattoos
They all have meaning 
Everything in my life has meaning - even if you can't see it.
Yes.  I'm that overly sentimental, even if I don't show it.
Which I try not to
Cuz it's mine

Smoke.  Drink.  Cuss... 
Add my tattoos
I really should have been a sailor...

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Xander, Peter Pan and caramel brownies


I'm sitting here mainly to listen and make sure my son is asleep.  Something is up with him and we can't seem to put our finger on it.  We think he's allergic to something in his room, which means tomorrow I get to empty out his room - again.

Sadly, this time most things won't be coming back in.  

In the up coming months we're going to need to re-decorated.  I know, every mans dream, but I always tell my hubby I'll do it on my own and then he insists - especially when it comes to painting.  "It's my job..." I know.  That's why I offer to do it at home, so you don't have to.  

Never works.

But the reason I want to re decorate is to put a mural on the wall or something.  With removing all the books and stuffed animals - (the books because a lot of them are from my and my husband's childhood - which means they're old and have been sitting in an attic/basement for about 20 years - that could mean mold)
At least with a mural on the wall it won' t look like the kid lives in a sanitarium.  

At one time we were discussing doing comic strip panels around the room and maybe do up the entire wall with a scene - but then we get into the "Spiderman v Batman" argument... 
Maybe we should just go with Captain America or something... I know Batman is a bit dark - but he's the freaking BATMAN!  

Anyway, I feel bad for my boy.  I swear, every time he gets a little better something else happens.  He's only 15 1/2 weeks - so nearly 4 months - and he's been congested since he was about 2 weeks, allergic to dairy, allergic to something in his room which triggered the eczema - then the cold weather made the eczema even worse so he has socks on his hands...

and did I mention his stinky feet?  It's insane!  Nothing that small should have feet that smell THAT BAD!  But he does!  And no, that doesn't stop me from playing with them.  Everyday I kiss his heels and say, "You're feet smell!"  And then pretend they're a phone.  Ahh... before Xander I was just a bit "crazy" but now!  With a child involved!  I'm a good mom playing with her son!  I need to make this last as long as I can...

Because one day

He'll be grown up

and I'll be the crazy lady again...

Until then!  I am on a quest to find a chest that looks like a treasure chest.  My parents had one when I was growing up.  Maybe I should just ask them if I can have it.  I was planning on turning our attic into a hideaway for me - but then, as I was watching Peter Pan for the billionth time yesterday - I decided I wanted to make it into a super cool play room for Xan.  And yes, I'll still go hide up there and write.  But when I'm not - I want to have a chest, a treasure chest up there filled with toys.

I want him to understand that the reason his mom is the crazy lady is because she refuses to grow up.  And while she might not be as crass as Peter Pan - she still thinks she's the most clever one of all!

Gotta find me some food! (that's where the caramel brownies come in...)
Nite!

winter


I sit here
staring out the window
at this white mess that is engulfing my house
and I wonder how I've done this over and over
and I wonder how I'll keep going
I can feel the cold in my bones
it makes me ache
I want to embrace it
to try to enjoy it
but I hate it
and that hate grows more and more daily
I want to leave
but I know that'll never happen
So I'm trapped
and I get cagier every day
and I can feel myself slipping away
it's most noticeable when I find myself hating things
people 
I never hate
So I don't do things
and I don't talk to those people 
and I hope when I get pass this
whatever THIS is 
they'll be there
but I doubt that they will be
and I know I can't blame them for that
for me
for my neuroses
for my anger
for the black spot on my soul that just grows as the minutes pass
I find myself punching things
I haven't done that in years
I do it daily
I can't even formulate the words any more
I just try to sleep
because when I'm asleep
I dream 
and my dreams are grand
they're beautiful
and they're warm
and I'm happy there
I don't feel like a bad person
I don't feel lost
and I don't miss things
I feel whole

I'm sure any more
you're all judging me
and that there is an assassin at every door
and I just wish
someone would pull the trigger
because those moment of euphoria
aren't doing it
even though I think they are
when they happen
and it's not funny
and It's not fun
and I miss having adventures
I miss...

I miss me

And the snow keeps falling
and I keep shivering
and I think of things to do
and never do them

because it won't fix it anyway

I'm giving up

I'm starting to think
that this time
maybe I won't be fixed

damaged goods
frozen by winter

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Addictions...


It's addicting.

This is addicting.  Blogging.

Even if it is one of the most duplicitous things I have ever done... To clarify, as my grandma would say, "You're talking out of both sides of your face."  Blogging is an art.  It is an interesting way to see how much you can say - can reveal about yourself, without really revealing anything at all.  

It's an illusion.  And yes, there is nothing behind the curtain.

Facebook is also addicting.
Talking to people I haven't seen in 15+ years.

Talking.

Sometimes I think that I blog the same way I talk.  I don't really ever tell anyone anything.  Unless I've been drinking, then I'll try to explain to you how my grudge against the world really isn't weird or ill-gotten.

I love and hate equally.  

Anyway, I posted this think on Facebook he other day - 25 things about me - and since then I find that I keep listing more and more things "about me" in my head.  Especially when I'm feeding Xander.  I'll list things I like or dislike - things I'm proud of - things I'm not proud of.  
I am happy to report that list is a rather short one.
I'm a pretty straight forward person and I don't like having lots of baggage, or should I say UNNEEDED baggage in my life.  I'm 33, there is no way to just avoid baggage all together.

I don't like surprises, so when I meet people I pretty much just put it out there.
And by surprises I mean the ninja drama sneak attack - I don't by any means, mean gifts.  Send me flowers!  I'd love it.  Seems the only time I get flowers is if something has gone drastically wrong in life - death or a rejection letter... 

I figure life like this - say what you mean, mean what you say.  Don't be coy and I can't read minds, plus I'd never want to.  If you want something, ask me - 9 out of 10 times I'll probably say yes, unless you're asking for something ridiculous.

I don't care for games...

But anyway - the 25 things... the list keeps going and going so I thought I'd post 25 more... (even thought I have 26)  and here you go...

1.  When I was a little girl I was super pissed that I wasn't a little boy.  I remember yelling at God and asking what I had done wrong.  And in the summer of 1987, when I "became a woman" I cried because I knew at that moment, my life, was officially over. 

2.  I started writing when I was 7 but wanted to be a pilot more than a writer.  My girlfriends had posters of boys on their walls, I did too - Christian Slater and NKOTB - but the rest of my walls were covered with picture of jets.  The SR-71 Blackbird is still my favorite plane and I think the Stealth Bomber is evil for replacing it.

3.  The first boy I kissed I dated on and off until I was out of high school  The first time we "dated" I was in 3rd grade.  The first kiss also happened in '87.

4.  Every time I watch PJ Hogan's version of Peter Pan I cry when Peter thinks Wendy doesn't love him and when Tink dies.  I also cry every time I watch the remake of The Little Princess, the scene when the police come to take her away and she trying to run away and her father is down stairs but he still has amnesia... every time.

5.  Every time I have ever played a show I get completely OCD because of nerves.  I'll have to walk into the bathroom and repeat something over and over until I can go on stage.
The phrase was different at each show.

6.  I'm happier when I workout.  

7.  When I was pregnant I became obsessed with tights, thigh highs, socks and shoes because they fit the only part of my body that didn't become... large...

8.  I also have an obsession with frilly girly underthings that only my hubby can see.

9.  By the time I was in my 20s I came to terms with being a girl.  They're called boobs and they get me free drinks.

10.   Anytime I go drinking I have a new friend by the time we leave the bar.  I pretty much can talk to anyone, especially when I'm liquored up.

11.  The first time I met my husband he made me so nervous by just standing next to me I had to go into my office (I was at work) to get away from him.  He's only one of two people that can do that to me, he's also one of the only people that can make me blush.

12.  My eyes change color with my mood.  If they're really green it means I'm either really, really happy or really, really pissed.  If they're brown, I'm mellow or depressed.

13.  I've always gotten straight A's in math and science and have failed almost every English class I've been in. 

14.  I love classical literature.  Some of my favorite authors are Gustav Flaubert, Alexander Dumas and Anton Chekhov, but if you ask me about reading I'll only name off contemporary authors like Charles Bukowski, Lorrie Moore and J.K. Rowling.  Oh and I think the Da Vinci Code was a great concept but a poorly written book, and that Ender's Game is one of the best books ever written - I've read it over 20 times.

15.  I love sex.  I think if more people did everyone would be much more relaxed and a hell of a lot happier.

16.  I can be a bit of a snob and I'm proud of it because I think everyone can - I'm just willing to admit it.

17.  I like gaming and I plan on running a campaign later this summer.

18.  I have a lot of crushes and the list includes both males and female even though I'm straighter than the day is long.  And I've had fun dreams about Batman - my ultimate boyfriend.

19.  I sing every single day.

20.  I love all Asian History - especially Russia and China

21.  When I was 20 I convinced a friend of mine that we should join a carnival.  They wouldn't hire us because they though we were dating.
My dreams of being a carni - FOILED!!

22.  I LOVE carnivals but hate the circus

23.  I've been to Coney Island and my next goal is Rye Park N. J.  Because of Big and the Zoltar Fortune Teller Machine

24.  I love useless knowledge

25.  I have a lot of weird beliefs including reincarnation and ghosts, both stem out of bizarre experiences I have had...

And now!  Yoga...

Have a great night!

Monday, January 26, 2009

If that's moving up then I'm, moving out...


Billy Joel.  Stuck in my head.

And there is no deep meaning behind it.  Its just a song.  Stuck in my head.  Coco Cabana was once stuck in my head for over a year.  That was a long year - but I now have a weird appreciation for Barry Manilow.  Anyone who can write a song about their dog and get the world to think it's a love song about a woman - that scored lots of points in my book.
And then there's Neil Diamond and the whole Caroline Kennedy thing... yeah... creepy.

Moving on...

Thanks.  I don't know how to comment back on one of these, plus most of the people I know that follow these either email, message or text me about what I've said.  My favorite are posts when I beyond lose my mind, the next day I start getting phone calls and texts and emails.  
"So I read your blog..."
It's okay guys!  The gun isn't loaded!  I just like the feeling of the cold steal against my temple! Couldn't afford the bullets anyway!  

JOKING!  I'm to freaking pigheaded to do something like that.  A little insight on how my brain works.  I figure there is someone out there that might be a little happier if I was gone (possibly a certain ex husband) and we just can't have that now can we?  Spite.  It does the body good!  

Hows that go?  Builds your bones so you can grow!

So my day was pretty bland.  That's not necessarily a bad thing.  Between baby issues, a cat that hates the baby and is showing us that by pissing all over the place, job issues, this stupid ass weather and other things I don't talk about in public - bland is a nice thing!  
It must have been a semi good day - It's already midnight!  That means it went fast! (faster than your mom!  Now THAT'S fast!  ZING!)

My tooth does hurt.  I'm assuming, until I get the $750 crown, it'll hurt - which pisses me off.  You know what's funny?  I have about 1,000 reasons as to why we'll never have another kid.  Money.  House too small.  Huge bump on my lower back that's been there for 4 months.  Pissing matches.  And there is the whole body thing too.  

I'm vain.  Screw you.  

My teeth are screwed up.  My back is screwed up.  My tail bone still hurts from time to time.  And then I think of people I knew who were one of 10, 11, and 12.  
I should have had them just remove all of it but the fun stuff... 
And to think there are certain cultures that just get rid of the fun stuff and leave everything else... you crazy! YOU A CRAZY PERSON!

In a perfect world.  
I wouldn't still feel crazy.  
I really WOULD get what I want when I want it. (which includes all things your dirty little minds are thinking of)
I would have a nanny that could watch my kid at night so I could go out more.  Not to drink, just to go out.

In a perfect world.
I'd be insanely wealthy.
Be able to eat brownies every day and not worry about the consequences.
I wouldn't be lactose intolerant.
And someone would bring me a piece of key lime pie - right now.

In a perfect world...
I'd never get depressed
never ever
and I'd smile all the time
to the point it annoyed people
and that would make me smile even wider

In a perfect world... 
It would be warm right now
I wouldn't feel superstitious over weird thing like matching tattoos, the words "best friends" or writing down peoples birthdays

In a perfect world...
EVERY day would be either Halloween, Mardi Gras or a good mixture of the two
I'd be able to dance and not feel like I'm retarded - sorry... "special"

In a perfect world being PC wouldn't exist.

In a perfect world...
I'd have my cake and eat it too, and I'd savor ever freaking second of it
BSG would be on ever day
My son would sleep through the night
I'd be in Barbados

In a perfect world...
I'd be able to smoke as much as I want to and not hurt anyone including myself
and I'd have my pick of porters and stouts when I wanted them - with my key lime pie - right now...

did I mention the sleep through the night thing?
OR at least for 6 hours straight...

EVERY time the heat kicks on I hear him groan... and his bed isn't even by the damn vent!  I MOVED IT!  AND closed the vents... 

Jesus Christ on a pogo stick... HE WON'T GO BACK TO SLEEP!  Which means I'm done...

Oh, one more.
In a perfect world - I'd stop trying to make my world perfect.

nothing is

it's stinker time!






Sunday, January 25, 2009

I'm antsy...


I hate antsy.  Antsy means that I'm going to spend the entire night staring things and just bouncing around from thing to thing.  I'll probably be on here about 20 times and then facebook, over to my emails and then back again.  

Turn on the TV.
Turn it off.
Start a book.
Toss it aside
Start to write... 
Turn off the computer...! BLURG!!

It's annoying.  Usually when I go out and socialize I'm dandy at night.  But not tonight.  And I freaking hate that.  I'd just go to bed, but I'm so freaking hopped up on coffee and confections that it'll be a simple miracle if I can go to bed before 5... I stayed up till 7 this morning... shit - what is wrong with me?  Someone, due tell.  You know, because there isn't anything much more pathetic than a person who doesn't know their own mind.  

I need to shut up.

When I was a kid I was obsessed with quotes.  I don't know why, just another one of my very many idiosyncrasies.  But I had this little notebook I stole from my mom and I would sit down for hours and just fill in different quotes that I liked.  Sometimes, because I read and reread the notebook so much, different quotes pop into my head.  (but seeing that I have one of the worse memories on the planet - they're usually fragmented)
There is this one - that is applicable to my life as of late - the gist of it is "when you're talking you're not learning"

that is the summation of my life.

I keep trying to talk this thing through.  I'm talking in circles.  So I try to stand back and look at it from a different angle.  I like to keep learning - evaluating - reevaluating... and then I stop and listen to myself drone on and on to the point that I can't even stand the sound of my own voice.  And I know the cause and I still can't stop it.  It's like a mountain of puke just spilling over my teeth onto the floor and I watch the people around me as their eyes grow wider and wider, as they try to divert the conversation elsewhere...

What is wrong with me?  Effin crap... 

Nothings wrong with me, I'm just going through the thing with the thing and it'll get better.  
Right
What else can it get?

But the worst thing - you want to know what that is?
It's always hot or cold

One day I can't shut my freaking pie hole and the next time someone asks me about my life I steer the conversation back to them, and by the time they realize that I never answered their question I'm home on here laying down the latest track of my "What should I do now! Aryn's Greatest Hits Vol. 8.7"

I'm usually good at this.  I can usually look at people and state facts.  I can talk to a person and tell you if I'm going to know them in 5 years, 9 out of 10 times I'm very right.  I've done it my entire life.  I have a vivid memory of talking to one of my high school boyfriends on the phone, smiling and laughing and thinking, "man, I'll be sad when this is over." We had only been dating for a week at the time.  We made it about 6 months.  He moved away, we broke up, he wrote letters to my friends telling them I was a bitch.  ~sigh~ Its a wonder any of us ever make it out of high school alive... 

I'm straying again...

The point is that I'm blocked and my "gut" is off and I'm not even sure how to tie my shoes any more.  I hide behind a computer screen to inadvertently not say anything but say everything in the hopes that I can do nothing but slowly slip further into the oblivion of my life.

"I read your blogs.  They didn't make sense to me."

They don't make sense to me either.  But know this.  This flittering - this bouncing from one topic to another in a split second until I'm so far away from the point I was trying to make - that's how my brain works daily.  Yes, this is how crazed I am all the time.  Someone told me it was a sign of genius - if that's true I must be the next freaking Einstein!

My brain farts used to be funny to me.
They're not funny any more.

My son is funny.  He is one of the few things that make me laugh on a regular basis.
Didn't I used to laugh all the time?
When did I lose my confidence so badly that I assume the worse of everything and wait for it to spill through my front door at 4am, knowing it will punch me square in the face?  My hate for myself has become a metaphorical ninja that I think I see behind every door, every corner, adding fuel to my ever growing paranoia... 

Antsy.
Too much time on my hands.
Cabin fever.
Too much snow.
Slipping into an abyss I don't know if I can handle...

"You can handle anything.  You're one of the strongest people I've ever met."

Isn't it funny how we perceive ourselves is usually the opposite of how others do?  
Or maybe that's just me too... 

I wish I knew what I was searching for, at least then I might see that there is an end.  

One that isn't this new pathetic version of me.

antsy
pathetic 
desperate
me

I used to be fun?  Didn't I?

Summer will be here soon.  So will classes.
Pick myself up
Dust myself off
...

vent over

for  now

Saturday, January 24, 2009

I'm sleeping on the floor tonight...


it's a lot easier than running up the stairs and I'm tired.  See, this is why I don't drink when I have el kiddo at home.  It messes me up.  But here I am...

I probably only have a minute on here, and once again, when I was lying on my son's floor I had about 2 dozen things running through my head - but I was distracted - SHINY!  What?  Oh, yeah... I walked into our office and saw an empty laundry basket and vaguely remembered my husband stating that there was a load in the washer.  That led me to move the load to the dryer, where I dumped about 6 pairs of knees highs on the ground... yes, I'm 33 and I still wear knee highs.  Sometimes I attempt pig tails too.  33 going on 12.  Look , it's another romantic comedy in the making!  

Jaded.   

It was a good night.  For me at least.  I see that a friend of mine had a bad night, I hope it gets better, for him and his fam.

My night consisted of talking.  Lots and lots of talking.  But for once it felt like the productive kind.  Things are going to work out.  My lost feeling is starting to fade, and I can't even describe in words how great that feels.  
I never was much of a planner.  I've always been more of they "fly by the seat of my pants" kinda gal - but I'm attempting the planning thing.  It's what is keeping me sane.  Dates to keep, goals to be had - brownies to bake.  Lol... yummy warm brownies...

Anyway, it was a good night.  I like to document the good nights just as much as I like to complain about the shitty ones. 
So, today is what?  January 24th, I guess technically its the 25th - which means it's Sarynmas!  Oh how I love you made up holiday!  Back to the point!  January is almost over - black history month is upon us!  Do you think it'll be celebrated to the fullest this year?  And why the hell do we have to designate a certain point of time to celebrate our history?  Lame...
I am straying like crazy tonight!

Shit.  Sorry.

Anyway, once again - it was a good night!  And right now, I'm going to go sleep in my kids room.  Why?  Cuz I want to!  Stop judging!  There is nothing on TV and there are only so much soft porn I can watch before it stops being funny... 

So wish me a good night as I wish you one and know that I'll be back here tomorrow.  Because the days are blending and the snow won't stop falling and tomorrow I get to each cheese and discuss how we are going to make Sarynmas a national holiday.  What are you doing on July 25th?  Let me just say, there should be something red, blue and purple by you and at least one llama pinata.

Bye!

Friday, January 23, 2009

So yes... this is what a nervous breakdown looks like...


I know.  In my head it worse.  Its funny how I do this, write these, so that I can vent - yet still - I don't vent.

Could be a mixture of sleep deprivation and the paranoia that comes with it stacked against the fact that I know one day I won't be and/or feel so damn trapped in my house - or maybe I just don't know how to put down in black and white everything.

This, is probably a good thing.  Really, it probably is.  Keeping myself in check isn't a bad thing - but it is just another long line of things I've compiled onto my list of life of things I don't do these days.  Oh, whatever.  I'm freaking tired and all the things I planned on blogging about were lost the moment the spit-up dripped down the front of my freaking robe.  

Tomorrow night I get out of the house.  Its only for a few hours, but it's a few hours.  And while I need a beer - its been two weeks - I still can't because when I get home.  Let's just say, diaper duty sucks a LOT when you're feeling a little too happy.  That and I'm not good at cutting myself off.  At beer 3 I tell myself, one more won't hurt... that is a lie.  A wretched, wretched lie...

I think I'm going to have my parents take him over night soon, and then I'm going to go buy a 12 of budwiser and a pack of camels and destroy my lungs and my liver.  Oh!  What's next Friday?  I'll tell you what next Friday is!  Freaking dancing at the 5!  What is next Friday?  The 30th?  I'm getting a cab and at 10pm I'm going to drink and listen to 99 problems and love every minute of it... Now, I just need to get a sitter...

See.  I have goals.  And the newest one is to pretend I didn't give up drinking.

It's nearly 2am and I have laundry to fold, and dry and I want a cigarette - but that won't happen... So I guess I'll just go watch the second half of No Reservations - DC 

Thursday, January 22, 2009

before I forget... something good


I like to post some nice things too every now and then.

This morning at 1am Xander woke up.  And by woke up I mean, he was wide awake.  And I spent 2 hours laying on the floor of his room next to him watching shadows on the ceiling as he rolled into me and held my finger.

That, my friends, is the very reason I haven't blown a gasket.

I'll take that 1am everyday over everything else in this world.

42 - the ultimate answer


SURPRISE!  I'm tired!!  And I need to sneeze... plus my belly is all messed up... grand... why do I insist that I can still eat dairy?  Oh, that's right, because I'm an idiot. 

LAME!

Oh well.  So I need to buy a scanner and a printer.  And I have them picked out, I just need the cash.  You know what?  Tonight is very lame.  Sick belly.  Low on cash.  My kid smells like a mixture of day old oatmeal and lotion - yes, it makes no sense but it's the truth.  And he's crusty. It doesn't matter how many times I wash him, things get trapped under his chin.  All 14 of them.

I can't wait till this skin thing clears up.  Some times he just cries and it breaks my ever loving heart!  But like I said, there is only so much lotion I can put on him... Oh and the poop ears!  How and why in hell do his ears smell like poo?!!  He is just a damn mystery.  An enigma!  Oh my little riddler... 

I think tonight is going to be a bad night.
Just a feeling I have.
My cabin fever is a bit out of hand today.  And I don't know what I'm going to do about it.  With Chris working this weird shift, I'm trapped inside.  I went outside for a second and a half earlier today - you know, to look at the sky.  Just wanted to confirm that it was still there.  

it is

And then I spent the next 2 hours cooing, "It's okay.  You're okay." as I bounced Xander and walked my house... 

Summer can NOT get here fast enough.  We complain about the humidity but it's nice not being itchy, and I'm sure he can't wait for it either.  Plus, there will be a few weeks when we can move around outside.  

Maybe then I won't feel so antsy!  I think I might... no, I don't think.  I'm just brain dead.  In the end, between bad skin, shitty weather, cabin fever, stupid shifts and a few other crappy things -it's safe to say that The House of Youngless is getting ready to blow a very large gasket!

February 21st and April 18th... I plan on being very drunk those days.  So if you don't like me very drunk - you should not talk to me on February 21st or April 18th.

I have to go return some emails before I am beckoned!  

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

scheduled outage at 4pm...


I don't know what that means, but I thought I'd let you all know about it.  

I, personally, like to schedule my outages when I'm alone, kinda like now.  But hey - who am I?

My back is killing me today.  Xan will be 15 weeks on Sunday and my epidural spot is still swollen up.  It's this stupid weather.  THIS WINTER IS KILLING ME!  Slowly and softly.  It's eating me alive and there is nothing I can do about it.

Be patient.  Be patient.

Evidently there are about 52 virtues, but for some reason I always get stuck on that one.

I'm tired of being patient.  At least about this winter I am.  It's like being trapped.  And I hate it more than anything I can say.

Yes, same shit.  Different day.

I'm happy to report that Xander is doing much better.  He hates his medicine but can you blame him?  It smells gross and it doesn't taste too great so why should he like it?  It's not like Tylenol which, according to my sons reaction, tastes WONDERFUL!  But beggars can't be choosers, as they say.  Yet we all keep trying, don't we.

I think I'm going to just go veg out on the couch.  I really don't know what else to do.  I'm not in a writing mood.  I'm not in any mood.  That's probably a good thing.
I wish I was one of those people who could just suffice to do nothing but veg... I'd say  I'd try it, but I'm over trying to change myself.  I spent a long time becoming me and frankly, after the last few weeks of beating myself up over it, which is totally lame - why would I try to do that again?

Oh, two things.  If you like cartoons in the form of anime, you need to watch Paprika, it's awesome, I think I may watch it again!  And if you like comics - there is a new series being put out by Marvel called "Battle School" it's a companion to the Orson Scott Card book Ender's Game, which Marvel picked up to be made into a comic.  Battle School is sooo rad!  I'm excited for the next one to come out.  So very excited!

Well, can't keep my couch waiting!  I'm sure the little one will be up soon... 

bye

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

I give up!

} catch(err) {}
I'm so tired of beating myself up.  Am I not the one that says to keep moving forward?  You can't change the past, so why dwell on it?

Exactly!

I'm tired of feeling like shit.  I'm tired of not being who I am, the part of me that I don't want to change.  I still have a list of things I want to do this year, and that list still includes flight school and horse back riding, but I don't know why I have to be so damn lame about it until I get there!

Done!  
Done!
Done!

When I was pregnant I made a deal with myself that once I got back to my pre-pregnancy size I was going to start dressing how I want too all the time and not just let myself go because of the weather or having a child.  And as soon as it get crappy out - right out the door!  I just let myself go.  

Done!

I might not be able to wear heels in this stupid weather, but I can look nice every day.  I'm so over myself and this pity party I've been having.  I say screw it!  And in honor of my mantra - one of my life's little rules - yes, I'm taking my own advice.  

Cutting myself off.  Changing who I am.  Suffering in silence, hating myself and looking like crap while I do it... DONE!  DONE!!  AND LET ME TELL YOU - D-O-N-E!

DONE!

New President!
New Era!
New me.

And now I'm done with this blog too!

~snap!~

Monday, January 19, 2009

Just in! Still sane... sure I am


I'm sure I just jinxed myself, as I normally do, but I figure I just got him to go back to sleep so I probably have a 10 minutes window until my workout of champions!

I should go lay down on the couch or something, or eat or do both - chances are I won't do either.  I know I should do both of them, but don't wanna.  What I want to eat I'd have to construct and it's early - lame.

Its funny.  When I can't get to my computer I have about 10,000 things running through my brain.  I write blogs that I'm sure I'm going to remember, which I never do.  Obviously it's not that important - or, it's like what I'm thinking right now.  Something I'm just not willing to share.  There are a few things like that in my life

I have a request to the world.  Tomorrow at 7pm (6pm Central and 4pm Pacific) if we could all get together and pray for about 10 minutes that Xander will be sleeping through the night by Friday I promise to go around the country and give you all a big wet kiss! PLEEEASE!!

Screw it.  I'm going to go lay on the couch and watch Bring it On.  Oh, you read that right, and I could give a rats ass.  There is nothing on that interests me and all the channels I usually fall to are either in info-mercial land or they're talking basketball, which I loath.  That reminds me... there is a fight I need to record Saturday night.

Good night.  Sweet dreams!  
-A

George S. Patton - "If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking."


Isn't that just an awesome quote?

So!  Anyway!  I had my ass kicked today, in a good way.  Thank you, you know who you are.  I just wanted to get that out there.  HOLLA!  

Moving on...

I've spent most of tonight writing up some recipes, again.  I know it sounds dull but it gives me something to do, so if you have a sweet tooth let me know, because I think I'm going to start testing these recipes over the next few days.  

I've run out of laundry to wash!  Might as well make some desserts to pass off on friends... I'm trying to put a spin on something traditional.  You'll see... oh, you'll see... like I said.  If you're interested, let me know and I'll get some samples to you.  
You know what hit me a moment ago? How I need a couple new pans to make some of these things and I don't know of one kitchen store any more... stupid ass mega stores.  That means I either have to get my butt out to Lyndhurst (cuz that's doable) or order on line... LAME-A-TRON!!!!

I think Chris and I will be carting the wee on to Lyndhurst on Saturday!

As you can see, right now I'm in good spirits.  I'm trying to do that "silver lining" thing and look towards the future thing.  And make junk food.
Sugar and promises... it's almost like I'm dating myself.  If only I'd buy myself flowers and put out... damn tease...

My goal for tonight is simple.  Later, when I start to lose my mind again... NOT to come on here!  But where would the fun in that be?  I have no idea... 

Right now, I'm going to go back to the recipe thing.  I promised my hubby peanut butter cup blondies for tomorrow.  I need to do some research!  

BYE!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

January is the most stressful time of year...


according to about.com that is... Who knows, it probably is.  I mean, it is the month that we all set out and give ourselves really lofty goals that we want to achieve before the year is out.  Add to that, winter and coming off the holidays where the general population gains weight due to all the food they've consumed at party after party - so I guess it makes sense.

I'm falling asleep and I'm trying to do something so that doesn't happen just yet.  I've turned off two movies and looked over the guide about a dozen times.  I've cleaned my house, done laundry, surfed the internet, attempted to read a book or four and here I am... I can't seem to concentrate again... I was doing so well for a while there and I totally rebounded... is that the right word?  No, I mean relapsing... Either way, I'm back to where I was and I'm losing my mind.  I don't know how to fix this.  Fix me.  All I know is that staring at the clock isn't going to make it go faster and I really want it to be an hour from now so I can delayer and crawl into bed and sleep.

You know, I realized things were getting bad again when I started waking up from my naps or just general sleeping sessions and that moment when you realize you're no longer dreaming - that moment I would get really pissed off.  

Like I said, I don't know what to do.  I talk about it, journal about it, blog about it.  I feel like it's the only thing I talk about, even though I know it's not - because the one thing I talk about more is my kid... before, when it started, if I set up a date to go out I knew that would break it, even for a moment.  And I no longer even want that.  It just all seems more of a hassle than anything.  Its too cold and I don't feel like socializing with people.  

which is bad

I just want my eyes not to itch.  My son to be well.  My husband to be happy.  My brain to be sober and stable.  My cats to be calm.  My house to be clean.  My yard to be sans snow...
Once again - January+lofty goals = stress...

lame

I don't really know what I want outside of those things.
I want to feel something besides panic.  Distress.  Tiredness. 
COLD.
I want to smile with my eyes.
I want the first thought when I wake up to be, "OMG!  IT'S ANOTHER AWESOME DAY!" Okay, maybe not that exuberant, but something  par to the course. 

Do you know the amount of things I never say out loud? I never tell people anything and I'm starting to think the only thing I've ever told anyone my entire life is what that want to hear...

"Hows your day?"
"Pretty crappy..."
"Aryn, that was rhetorical..."

"How was your day?"
"Oh.  Fine.  How was yours?"
"Crappy."
Nod.  Smile.  Shut up.  Smile some more...

45 minutes left.

Freedom is a funny thing.  It's one of those things you don't realize you even have until someone or something takes it away from you.  (I'm referring to the weather, just so you know)
I hate winter - so much.  I think that when I realized that it's winter in this city for about 8 months of the year, I wanted to cry.
Its like slamming your hand in the car door and then doing over and over and over again for 33 years.  I need to move some place warm.  Someplace that you don't have to buy a window scraper or gallons of windshield wiper fluid just to drive 4 blocks.
I need to move someplace that it's sunny more than a hour a week.
I need to move someplace that has salt water.

I need to move to Hawaii...

8 months.
It's not worth it.
And I'm never going to get away from it.
Frozen pipes
Dry skin
Drifting snow
Negative wind chills
Winter

I wonder what its like in Australia right now... Oh... it's 87... IT'S FREAKING 87...

Alright... what can I do for another 40 minutes that doesn't involve complaining about depression or snow?  I could go play with my son... HA!  Kidding... 

Movie trailers?  I think I've seen them all ...
Shit... 

I've got nothing
I think I'll just drool on the key board...

Thanks for being you!  Keep smiling!  And just remember, when all else failed - god created chocolate... 

Have you ever seen Chocolate? ~sigh~ I've watched it 6 times since Xander was born... 

gonna go nip myself in the head now...

bye
 

And the Eagles lost...


Lame!!!!!!!

~sigh~

After a long heart to heart, I'm doing better today.  And my friend coffee is back on the table!  Added to Xander now being on benadryl... which means the laundry is in the washer and after creating a hefty "wish-list" of summer clothing online (seems I gave most of my clothing away when I was pregnant - oh hormones... why is my husband still married to me?)
I have been sitting here writing up dessert ideas.  Why?  I don't know.  I just keep getting these dessert ideas in my head.  Yes, they are all variations of brownies but they're delicious.  The only problem - I'm not a fan of having junk food in the house, because I eat it... and right now I still have a plate of S'more Brownies (thats what started the brownie craze) and a 1 lb bag of plain m&m and a 1 lb bag of peanut m&m...

I'm a vegetarian for christ sake!  Shouldn't I come up with recipes that are good for me?  Where's the fun in that... I'm eating a big salad tomorrow so I can not hate myself again... stupid Little Caesars opening up down the street and my intrepid need to have dessert... 

Lies... tomorrow I'm making some sort of stew.  It's stew weather.  Stew and biscuits and then I'm going to finally watch Old Boy.  The second movie of the Korean Mr. Vengeance series... 
Anyone see Kiki's Delivery Service?  I want to watch that next.  I should just buy it.  I already have Howl's Moving Castle and Spirited Away... 

Did I mention the pot of coffee I just about polished off?

The point of this blog.  There isn't one.  There never is!  That is the joy of blogging!  
This week is going to be an interesting one, so - in advance - you have been warned!  Here's hoping I don't lose my mind again, but until there ISN'T 4 feet of snow on the ground... I can't make any promises...

Time to clean!

BYE!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Therapy in front of the world...


Falling down... we all do it, but we all seem to react different to it.

I get embarssed and then I chastise myself about being "weak" or what naught.  
It's stupid.

We all do it.  If we didn't we'd never grow, so why do I beat myself up over it?

I broke down earlier.  My son was freaking out.  His skin still hurts him and I can't do anything about it and it breaks my heart.  He wants to be carried around all the time.  My shoulder started to hurt and the extra 15 lbs made it so much worse and I just lost it.

My poor husband finds me and his son crying.  When does he get a break?  When does he get to rest... and what makes it even worse is that I think I'm getting sick.  My stomach is no doing so well right now.  I'm just hoping I can make it till 4 am so that he can get sleep.  I should probably go lay down, which I think I'm gonna do...

All I know is that feeling vulnerable is such a hard thing for anyone and for some reason I can't seem to wrap my head around it.  I guess it all goes back to the wanting to be original, but at the same time to know that I'm not alone... 

I'm going to go lay down....
good night.

Friday, January 16, 2009

My eyes are starting to cross...


But I can't complain... it's a good night - and I'm sure I just jinxed myself.  

I just watched BSG and I still love that fraking show.  

Anyway, I don't know why I'm so tired.  I slept till ten and then took a nap around 3... guess it's just one of those nights.  I supposed it probably has to do with the fact that Xan isn't happy which means there was a lot of walking around and cooing.  Cooing burns calories by the dozen!  HA!

He's 15 lbs now and its getting harder and harder to hold him for long periods of time, but what'cha gonna do?   Right now I look at it like this, if that's the only way he'll sleep I'll hold him for as long as he wants.  I swear his eyes are just rimmed in red from the lack of sleep in his life.  But his skin is starting to clear up so, hopefully, by next week at this time he'll be doing a lot better. 
Now the weather just needs to break so that he can just be happy all the time!  You know, the thing that sucks the most is that he was on the fast track to sleeping at night and then this.

Like I said, I just feel bad for the little guy.  I have dry skin but what he has... it's just painful looking.


It's 2:30, that's not that bad.  Guess I can't watch my movie.  It's about 2 hours long.  Well, I COULD watch it, but I'm going to a spa day tomorrow and don't want to over sleep!  This, my friends, is what has been keeping me going for the last month!  The knowledge that tomorrow at one I get to do yoga, have a facial and get a massage.  Maybe later in the day I'll finally get that oatmeal stuff for my tub and take a soak too!  Ohh... it's funny how the little things that keep you going change in only a matter of a few months!

I miss my old massotherapist... Trish and her hands of gold...  I would actually need to get a ride home after going to her because I would be so relaxed I couldn't see straight... I should really go back.  I've been saying that for about a year now, time to shut up and just do it!

You know, I really don't have much of anything to say.  I can't even tell you what I did today.  I must have done something, right?  Outside of napping, going to the store, making dinner and rocking Xander... guess that was enough to fill my day!

Funny side note.  If I hear Xander crying and Chris grabs him I start rocking, regardless.  I didn't even notice I was doing it until Chris pointed it out.  But yes.  I rock from side to side and sometimes I even start to hum... Just like Pavlov's dog.  :)

I'm going to stop now, granted I could do this ALL NIGHT LONG!  But I think I'll go do some yoga instead.  My back is killing me, softly...

Here's hoping tomorrow it's in the + side of life!

BYE!

One day you'll look back on this...


One day I'll look back on this and I'll probably laugh.
Sadly, right now... I'd just like to cry.

pathetic

I don't care... it's the truth

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Makeup is evil


I fell asleep with some mascara on earlier and now my left eye is all screwed up!  So lame!

Anyway.  I have a movie for you all to see.  It's called Black Book - please do NOT confuse this with the movie called LITTLE Black Book - the movie I speak of is about a jewish woman in WWII Holland.  Very good.  It took me a while to watch it, but that has more to do with Xander than anything else...  Check it out!

I've been sequestered inside our home until Mr. Alexander's face heals up a bit.  That sentence should read to you like this - "By tomorrow night Aryn will be out of her mind from being home too long!!  WAIT TILL WE GET TO READ THAT BLOG?!!!"
The next time I have plans to leave my house are Saturday at 12:30pm.  It's a ways off but it's worth it in my opinion - because it involves a massage!  FINALLY!  And it only took 5 months...

But the little guys face seems to be doing a bit better!  He's shiny because he has so much lotion on his head - but that's better than being red and crusty.

All I'm saying is this summer.  When he's a little big bigger and its a hell of a lot warmer - I am NOT sitting inside this blasted house all the time!  I love it.  I'm glad we bought it.  But COME ON!  I want to see trees and cars and the sky unobstructed by a pane of glass!  God damn I get cabin fever bad.  Always have.  Never ate right, never slept well and can't sit still to long or I go a bit batty... 

Well, that's not so bad.  I look at it this way, when life gets too comfortable, you're doing something wrong.  

I'm just trying to kill some time.  I think I'm going to go curl up on the couch with some tea and watch 3 days of the daily show.

I'm sure I'll be back later.  And I'm sure I'll have nothing to add.  But in the end I'll be back! And that sure is exciting now ain't it!


Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Late night pondering leads to minor brain malfunction...


I hate blame.
I think people (including myself) pass the blame in order to make themselves seem something more than they are.  Once again, including myself.
I have no idea why that popped into my head.  I'm sitting here looking at an art deco print of a bi-plane - forever decorating my house... once I'm done I'll have to start right back over.

crap

But anyway, I just started thinking about that.  I hate when I pass the buck because in the end it's just me coping out on the reality of the situation.  So I hate blame.
It's annoying.
So are any one that goes door to door to ask for money when it's below zero outside,
people who feel the need to read off the gas price every time they pass a gas station,
weak coffee, or people at coffee houses that only give you a half cup of coffee because that can't fathom that I might just want to drink coffee and not 2 gallons of milk...
Oh, and Lex.  My cat.  Whom I never had the chance to drug tonight... (never name a pet after an evil villain... why am I shocked that Lex Luthor the cat is on meds...)
AND the fact I forgot Ender's Game was being turned into a comic and now I'm 2 issues behind.

crap

I should go back to decorating my house... 
If it was warm I'd just go sit on my porch... I need a winter home in Australia.  I also need to get to the store, sleep and think of a soup for dinner tomorrow... I'm thinking beans, kale, mini-cheese ravioli and maybe veggie meatballs... oooooo!  With freshly grated parm and a little salt and pepper... I think I just figured out dinner!

So what did we learn tonight?  Blame sucks.  You can't blame people for the choice you made in  your life.  It's lame.  Especially when it's me.  Because I'm vain and think I'm extremely more special than the average person!  
Yes.  I'm hopped up on coffee again.

But what else is new?  Well, outside of the (I wanna say) Mayor of Pittsburgh changing his name to Sunday's Steelers - Ravens game.

I hate the Ravens, but I suddenly hope they win.
(I received my ticket to hell circa 1989)

~The End

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Tired...


My mind is racing again.  You know I think I've become so accustom to it that I don't even realize it's an issues until I notice the passage of time or the fact that I'm clenching my jaw.

That's a really bad habit.  One of many.  Lucky for me I'm a gal that likes her bad habits.  I like to think they make me who I am.

As fucked up as that is.

So lets see... it's closing in on 3.  One more hour to go.  Here's hoping I sleep tonight.  I woke at 8 yesterday, yes I'm closing in on being awake for 20 hours.  Just like the old days, granted in the old days I wasn't 33 and didn't have a child.  Actually, I don't mind it.
Most times when I can't get Xan down quickly, I just feel bad for him.  He has a rash on his face, his having problems pooping, he's sleeping with socks on his hands!  Poor little bugger...

In the mean time, because I'm sure he's gonna wake at any moment, I'm attempting to compile that list I spoke of in my last blog.  I think that's how my brain started racing.  I know I posted some things on myspace.  (oh, I found the chili recipe or made the chili recipe so that 1 thing down for '09!)  The flight school thing needs to wait a bit, not because I'm a coward (I mean, I am, but that's not the main reason) if you look outside you'll see my reason all over the place.  And from what the weather chick told me, that reason will be coming down like gang busters tomorrow too.  So with that on hold, horseback riding not happening until Summer... I don't know what the hell that leaves me... Well crap, the other two aren't high on my list of "important things".  In reality, I helped run assassins two summers ago - so I can clear that one off my list and the other one I can't do till late summer.  Gotta wait for my camera guy to move home!

So now what?  It's January.  It's cold.  My skin is so dry I could scratch the world "dry" in it.  I need some feedback... no, that's probably not a good idea... um... ok!  The attic!  I need to work on the attic and to dig out that box of pictures so I can hang them up on the many empty walls of my house. (That's more like decorating...)

Christ on a crutch!  What is something I've always said I wanted to do, but haven't?!  I wrote that Christmas book for Xander.  I could do a few more... I start my yoga classes soon... hmm... how about belly dancing.  I've thought about doing that for a few years, AND it's good for me.  You know, exercises!  (speaking of which, I weighed myself earlier. According to my scale I weigh 71 lbs... I think I need a new scale.)

I really should learn to meditate...  maybe then I could slow things down and train my thoughts into one fluid sentence... or a list... something.
Or maybe it's just that my eyes are starting to cross and I'm thinking too hard.  That is making it worse... 

One more hour... just one more hour... 

one more month, one more month... shoot.  I'm going to go write a letter to a woman I haven't seen in 6 years.  Baby steps.  Tomorrow, I'll find her address.

Good night.  Sleep tight.  Don't let the bed bugs bite - and all that jazz.

managing life without hurting myself...


I tend to write recipes at night.  Nothing fancy, I just like food, a lot.
Last night/ this morning, while I was drifting off I thought, "You know what would be delicious?  S'mores brownies"  So today... you guessed it!  I made them.
I really wanted them to cool off before I cut into them, so I put them in the fridge.  That was my first mistake.  They became too hard, so I set them out and about a half hour later I cut into them.  It was a bit of a pain, but I managed to cut a small slice. (note to self, next time line the pan with foil so I can just lift the whole batch of brownies out of the pan prior to cutting)
Suddenly I notice something red on the marshmallow topping.
It makes no sense.
There is nothing red around me.
I keep looking and looking, when I look at my right hand.  It too is covered in this red stuff.  Wait, it's covered in blood. 

What the hell?  So I turn on a light.  The knife, too, is covered in blood.
WHAT THE HELL?!!
I have NO idea when I did it, but I sliced open my finger.
I never felt it.  Not until I started to wash my hands.  Now that's a sharp freaking knife.

So the sad part... I had to dispose of part of the brownies...
lame
very, very lame

That's the 3rd time in 7 years of cooking that I've wounded myself.  Not bad odds, but it still pisses me off.

Oh well... 

I have to go write up my "list of things I want in 09 now"... Oh, how I love to give myself homework assignments!  It keeps me going!
And since I learned from my chinese horoscope that 09 (aka the year of the ox) is supposed to be about 10 gagillion times better than 08 (aka the year of the rat) Might as well feed that idea and make it happen!

Now, I have to get back to that weather machine!  Soon!  75 and sunny EVERY DAY!

~The End

Monday, January 12, 2009

A new home for blogging


I usually do this on myspace, but I'm growing tried of myspace.  I've been on there for, what, I want to say five years now.  I guess I'm just getting over it.

Mind you, there are some people I only have contact through myspace, so I won't be deleting my account, but I think I'm just going to blog elsewhere - aka - here!

So this would be my first blog!

Now, if you've never read one of my blogs before, be for warned.  I do this in the middle of the night and mostly because I'm losing my mind in the middle of the night. It's the closest thing to human contact that I have when my child is pseudo sleeping.  And while I really find nothing wrong with not having human contact at 1 am on a Monday night/Tuesday morning... well, I'm over explaining, which I normally do.  Oh, one of the many joys of being me!

I'm tired.  Xan is not happy.  He keeps waking up screaming.  I feel bad for him.  In my down time between screaming sessions I keep feeling this wave of sadness wash over me.  
What I don't understand is why I can be good for so long and then bam!  It just hits me.  And as I lay on my couch, channel surfing for the 5th consecutive hour straight, my tooth throbbing, my stomach making weird noises, when it suddenly consumes me I want nothing more than to not think about it.

So I blog about it.

Yes, it makes sense in some alternate universe.
At least I hope it does.

I'm back to my fast forwarding kick.  I would like to jump ahead to June.  All nice and warm out.  Xander will be about eight months old.  Maybe this thing on my back will be gone.
Who knows?!

I just need something.
I wish I knew what that was.

I find myself keep saying things like, when I do this, or start that, or see this person, or go here and there - it'll be better.
And then I'm back here.
again and again and again...

and again...

I don't know.  I'm not that tired, but I'm exceptionally lazy tonight - I'm sure that's just exacerbating the issue.  I just want to feel normal again.  Whatever that was.

Why did I eat those m&m's?  

So I'm stopping.  But welcome to my non-myspace home.  I promise to keep things fun and stupid as always!!

Good night!

-A