Sunday, January 25, 2009

I'm antsy...


I hate antsy.  Antsy means that I'm going to spend the entire night staring things and just bouncing around from thing to thing.  I'll probably be on here about 20 times and then facebook, over to my emails and then back again.  

Turn on the TV.
Turn it off.
Start a book.
Toss it aside
Start to write... 
Turn off the computer...! BLURG!!

It's annoying.  Usually when I go out and socialize I'm dandy at night.  But not tonight.  And I freaking hate that.  I'd just go to bed, but I'm so freaking hopped up on coffee and confections that it'll be a simple miracle if I can go to bed before 5... I stayed up till 7 this morning... shit - what is wrong with me?  Someone, due tell.  You know, because there isn't anything much more pathetic than a person who doesn't know their own mind.  

I need to shut up.

When I was a kid I was obsessed with quotes.  I don't know why, just another one of my very many idiosyncrasies.  But I had this little notebook I stole from my mom and I would sit down for hours and just fill in different quotes that I liked.  Sometimes, because I read and reread the notebook so much, different quotes pop into my head.  (but seeing that I have one of the worse memories on the planet - they're usually fragmented)
There is this one - that is applicable to my life as of late - the gist of it is "when you're talking you're not learning"

that is the summation of my life.

I keep trying to talk this thing through.  I'm talking in circles.  So I try to stand back and look at it from a different angle.  I like to keep learning - evaluating - reevaluating... and then I stop and listen to myself drone on and on to the point that I can't even stand the sound of my own voice.  And I know the cause and I still can't stop it.  It's like a mountain of puke just spilling over my teeth onto the floor and I watch the people around me as their eyes grow wider and wider, as they try to divert the conversation elsewhere...

What is wrong with me?  Effin crap... 

Nothings wrong with me, I'm just going through the thing with the thing and it'll get better.  
Right
What else can it get?

But the worst thing - you want to know what that is?
It's always hot or cold

One day I can't shut my freaking pie hole and the next time someone asks me about my life I steer the conversation back to them, and by the time they realize that I never answered their question I'm home on here laying down the latest track of my "What should I do now! Aryn's Greatest Hits Vol. 8.7"

I'm usually good at this.  I can usually look at people and state facts.  I can talk to a person and tell you if I'm going to know them in 5 years, 9 out of 10 times I'm very right.  I've done it my entire life.  I have a vivid memory of talking to one of my high school boyfriends on the phone, smiling and laughing and thinking, "man, I'll be sad when this is over." We had only been dating for a week at the time.  We made it about 6 months.  He moved away, we broke up, he wrote letters to my friends telling them I was a bitch.  ~sigh~ Its a wonder any of us ever make it out of high school alive... 

I'm straying again...

The point is that I'm blocked and my "gut" is off and I'm not even sure how to tie my shoes any more.  I hide behind a computer screen to inadvertently not say anything but say everything in the hopes that I can do nothing but slowly slip further into the oblivion of my life.

"I read your blogs.  They didn't make sense to me."

They don't make sense to me either.  But know this.  This flittering - this bouncing from one topic to another in a split second until I'm so far away from the point I was trying to make - that's how my brain works daily.  Yes, this is how crazed I am all the time.  Someone told me it was a sign of genius - if that's true I must be the next freaking Einstein!

My brain farts used to be funny to me.
They're not funny any more.

My son is funny.  He is one of the few things that make me laugh on a regular basis.
Didn't I used to laugh all the time?
When did I lose my confidence so badly that I assume the worse of everything and wait for it to spill through my front door at 4am, knowing it will punch me square in the face?  My hate for myself has become a metaphorical ninja that I think I see behind every door, every corner, adding fuel to my ever growing paranoia... 

Antsy.
Too much time on my hands.
Cabin fever.
Too much snow.
Slipping into an abyss I don't know if I can handle...

"You can handle anything.  You're one of the strongest people I've ever met."

Isn't it funny how we perceive ourselves is usually the opposite of how others do?  
Or maybe that's just me too... 

I wish I knew what I was searching for, at least then I might see that there is an end.  

One that isn't this new pathetic version of me.

antsy
pathetic 
desperate
me

I used to be fun?  Didn't I?

Summer will be here soon.  So will classes.
Pick myself up
Dust myself off
...

vent over

for  now

1 comment:

  1. Keep writing...keep talking...it helps...it's good...

    ReplyDelete