I'm falling asleep and I'm trying to do something so that doesn't happen just yet. I've turned off two movies and looked over the guide about a dozen times. I've cleaned my house, done laundry, surfed the internet, attempted to read a book or four and here I am... I can't seem to concentrate again... I was doing so well for a while there and I totally rebounded... is that the right word? No, I mean relapsing... Either way, I'm back to where I was and I'm losing my mind. I don't know how to fix this. Fix me. All I know is that staring at the clock isn't going to make it go faster and I really want it to be an hour from now so I can delayer and crawl into bed and sleep.
You know, I realized things were getting bad again when I started waking up from my naps or just general sleeping sessions and that moment when you realize you're no longer dreaming - that moment I would get really pissed off.
Like I said, I don't know what to do. I talk about it, journal about it, blog about it. I feel like it's the only thing I talk about, even though I know it's not - because the one thing I talk about more is my kid... before, when it started, if I set up a date to go out I knew that would break it, even for a moment. And I no longer even want that. It just all seems more of a hassle than anything. Its too cold and I don't feel like socializing with people.
which is bad
I just want my eyes not to itch. My son to be well. My husband to be happy. My brain to be sober and stable. My cats to be calm. My house to be clean. My yard to be sans snow...
Once again - January+lofty goals = stress...
I don't really know what I want outside of those things.
I want to feel something besides panic. Distress. Tiredness.
I want to smile with my eyes.
I want the first thought when I wake up to be, "OMG! IT'S ANOTHER AWESOME DAY!" Okay, maybe not that exuberant, but something par to the course.
Do you know the amount of things I never say out loud? I never tell people anything and I'm starting to think the only thing I've ever told anyone my entire life is what that want to hear...
"Hows your day?"
"Aryn, that was rhetorical..."
"How was your day?"
"Oh. Fine. How was yours?"
Nod. Smile. Shut up. Smile some more...
45 minutes left.
Freedom is a funny thing. It's one of those things you don't realize you even have until someone or something takes it away from you. (I'm referring to the weather, just so you know)
I hate winter - so much. I think that when I realized that it's winter in this city for about 8 months of the year, I wanted to cry.
Its like slamming your hand in the car door and then doing over and over and over again for 33 years. I need to move some place warm. Someplace that you don't have to buy a window scraper or gallons of windshield wiper fluid just to drive 4 blocks.
I need to move someplace that it's sunny more than a hour a week.
I need to move someplace that has salt water.
I need to move to Hawaii...
It's not worth it.
And I'm never going to get away from it.
Negative wind chills
I wonder what its like in Australia right now... Oh... it's 87... IT'S FREAKING 87...
Alright... what can I do for another 40 minutes that doesn't involve complaining about depression or snow? I could go play with my son... HA! Kidding...
Movie trailers? I think I've seen them all ...
I've got nothing
I think I'll just drool on the key board...
Thanks for being you! Keep smiling! And just remember, when all else failed - god created chocolate...
Have you ever seen Chocolate? ~sigh~ I've watched it 6 times since Xander was born...
gonna go nip myself in the head now...