Wednesday, January 28, 2009

winter


I sit here
staring out the window
at this white mess that is engulfing my house
and I wonder how I've done this over and over
and I wonder how I'll keep going
I can feel the cold in my bones
it makes me ache
I want to embrace it
to try to enjoy it
but I hate it
and that hate grows more and more daily
I want to leave
but I know that'll never happen
So I'm trapped
and I get cagier every day
and I can feel myself slipping away
it's most noticeable when I find myself hating things
people 
I never hate
So I don't do things
and I don't talk to those people 
and I hope when I get pass this
whatever THIS is 
they'll be there
but I doubt that they will be
and I know I can't blame them for that
for me
for my neuroses
for my anger
for the black spot on my soul that just grows as the minutes pass
I find myself punching things
I haven't done that in years
I do it daily
I can't even formulate the words any more
I just try to sleep
because when I'm asleep
I dream 
and my dreams are grand
they're beautiful
and they're warm
and I'm happy there
I don't feel like a bad person
I don't feel lost
and I don't miss things
I feel whole

I'm sure any more
you're all judging me
and that there is an assassin at every door
and I just wish
someone would pull the trigger
because those moment of euphoria
aren't doing it
even though I think they are
when they happen
and it's not funny
and It's not fun
and I miss having adventures
I miss...

I miss me

And the snow keeps falling
and I keep shivering
and I think of things to do
and never do them

because it won't fix it anyway

I'm giving up

I'm starting to think
that this time
maybe I won't be fixed

damaged goods
frozen by winter

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