Saturday, February 7, 2009

10:22


Once a day I look at the clock and I see 10:22
my birthday
I remember this happening since I was about 16
10:22

How does the brain work that every day I see those numbers?
Is it a biological reminder that I am no longer a child?
Do I really care?

No.  Not really.

Today was a roller coaster.
I was on the brink of tears for most of it, but I ignored it - pushed it aside.  Stupid useless emotions...
I made it till about 4 something.  I took the boy to the grocery store and on my way back, trapped at a street light that never seem to want to turn green, when my little boy was pulling on his socks in the back seat and I was cooing to him about what naught and sucking the tears back at the same time.
Tears.
Useless emotions.

West Coast - by Coconut Records

Its like I climb up a mountain - or I think its a mountain, but find the top is just a cliff and I go off - every damn time.

So I came home and made dinner - double baked potato, korn breaded chick patties baked and then topped with fresh tomato and fresh mozzarella, and brussel sprouts on the side.  One of my peanut buttercup brownies for dessert and then I took a nap.

After the nap - I went to a book club.
The tears were gone.  I felt good.  I FELT GOOD.
Then I come home.

He was bad, the entire time.
Like its my fault.
my fault... 
10:22

If I were an inanimate object right now I'd be a punching bag.

I'll be 34 this year...
I talk to people and they freak out about age.  Like there is some time line of when things should be done.  
I'm not dead.  That means there is time.
Live for today.

my fault
10:22
West Coast
tears...

I sit in the dark with the computer on.  iTunes playing in the background on the lowest setting.  I sit here and I write.  
Some days I write things in my head in advance
Some days I don't
Some days I just vent
tears
Here it is world
Here I am
Covered in shit
Covered in tears
Feeling lame and stupid

my fault

10:22

I don't have it in me to fight any more
the fight is gone
I can't take care of people
I don't have it in me any more
I can barely take care of myself...

...Slowly, dancing, underneath the pale moon light... -Slowly - Coconut Records

For a long time I thought the 10:22 thing meant something.  
What?  
Don't know.
Maybe I concentrate on my mortality too much.  Maybe I'm secretly OCD.  
I no longer think it means anything.
My flirtatious dance with life seems to be dwindling...

I'm so broken.

Hope springs eternal
as I softly let myself fall apart.

When I'm here I'll say things I would never say out loud.
I think its because I don' t have to look you in the face when you read these words.
If I have to see your eyes
I don't know what I'll find and I'd rather live in ignorant bliss

deep breath
deep breath

my fault

10:22

...

broken.
little.
me.
reading into nothing.
and getting
nothing
in return...

This is all the thanks that I get... The Thanks I Get - Coconut Records... 

10:53

good night.




  

2 comments:

  1. Some days you make me feel insane...Some days you make me feel sane...I don't know where I'm at today...But Your not the only one writing/talking in your head...

    I don't know if it will help, but here...I'm giving you a long distance hug...Is that gay?

    ReplyDelete
  2. No, not at all. And thanks.
    I hope the sane days out weight the insane ones :)

    ReplyDelete