Thursday, February 26, 2009

I was going to quote Shakespeare here, but I won't


In reality I like to think I'm a pretty laid back kinda gal.
I mean, it really takes a lot to piss me off - but in the same fashion, if you are one of those that get under my skin, chances are I'll do my best to make your life miserable.  
I don't care how that sounds, it's true.

Not so much these days in my life, but 10 years ago - burn me and I'd burn you and then burn you again just for making waste the effort on burning you in the first place. 

But like I said, not so much these days.  I just don't care - which makes me even more laid back...
As you might be able to tell (seeing that you are reading this tell all of my day to day life) I don't hide much.  I don't have much to hide.  So chances are if you ask me a question I'll answer it - regardless of the subject.  (and then I'll sit around and obsess about the question and later I'll blog about it here.)

Anyway, one of the topics that keeps arising in my life as of late has to do with "friends"
Friends...

(You make a strategic move to get someone out of your life 3 years ago and then you never live it down.  I could tell you my reasons, but alas, that is one of the things I won't elaborate on.  Sometimes personal reasons don't translate into the world of explanation and they just seem petty and juvenile.  We are all petty and juvenile from time to time, regardless if we can see it or not.  

But I stand by that decision.)

This low lull I've been cradled in for the past months has changed me...

I can't say if this is a good thing or if it's a bad thing - right now its just a new thing.  
I'm still me.
There is no one else I can be, or would want to be for that matter.  I like me for the most part.  I know that I'm not the most conventional person out there.  I know I'm eccentric (to put it mildly) but I still like me.  I figure there are enough "conventional" people out there and while they thrive in areas I don't, I tend to die in areas that they thrive.

Most people get this about me.
Some just think I'm weird.
Some think the fact that I do this my "tell all" - daily - is sure madness.  A sign that I'm... I don't know... desperate for something.  

We're all desperate for something.  I say do what comes natural.

Things like that make this change even easier.
Between all the change in my life and this extremely long winter I've found that I like this... I like sitting in this dark room typing away about the millions of different things I think about daily on here.  I like it a lot more than sitting in a loud bar and being dragged into something I don't want to be apart of because "I'll listen"

I think I have a stronger connection with myself now than I've had in maybe 13 years.  One too many screwed up relationships, bad friendships, deaths, disasters and on and on... it's a slippery slope and before you know it you're 13 years down the road and you think you know you but you realize you don't know jack... 

There is a down side - but isn't there always?  I find, now a days, that when I hear "So and so was just talking about you" I cringe.  I just assume the worse.  I shouldn't but I do.
The hypersensitive side of me is still too hypersensitive.

Did you know that one out of four people hate you just because they meet you - someone did a study, that was the result.  So I know out of the 6.7 billion people on this planet 300+ million in the US alone - that someone probably doesn't like me, but it bothers me to think people think ill of me.  More than I care to admit.  It's even worse when I think that someone I care about thinks ill of me.

Yes, yes... overly paranoid.  I know I am.  "Assume the best!  Prepare for the worse!"
Yes, I walk around with a roll of duct tape, plastic bags, a gas mask and rations just to be on the safe side... no I don't.

So I just try to be laid back
And I try to keep myself busy so my obsessive paranoid side doesn't come out
And I try to think that the people I care about care about me too
And I try not to think at all, which never works

because the moment I think I'm in the clear
something churns it all up again

Yes, I'm at that point of "Ground Hogs Day" when Bill Murray tries to kill himself...

Huh... the half way marker

I think I'm going to just shut up now.  And tomorrow, I promise to talk about something fun like my other obsessions - sex or food or both...

I need a harem and a cook...

and I'm still not going to bother you with that Shakespeare quote
~good night


No comments:

Post a Comment