Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Life and its ever changing prowess

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You know what irks me?
I think its the fact that it irks me.
OK, so that just sounds confusing, what I mean is life.  It just is so - I don't know!  And I find that frustrating!

I've grown tired of people telling me to relax.  To do this or that or the other thing, because just because I'm curious about things doesn't mean I'm up tight.  Just because I like to have answers doesn't mean that I can't relax.  Me knowing myself is an important thing and an ever changing things.  Knowing who you are, knowing your own mind is a very hard thing - not matter how easy some people make it look.

I try to keep that in mind.  I try to keep in mind the things that people don't say every day.  They don't say they just had a fight with their husband/wife, they don't say they hate their job, they were skipped over for a raise, their feelings were hurt, they don't feel sexy, and on and on and on...

I try to know me and I try to evolve with me.  Try new things, meet new people, go to new places - experience, learn and grown.  And I think I'm pretty good at being like that.  Metamorphizing into a new and better me, growing up but not growing old.  Or whatever.
And while I'm an emotional person, I really don't think that's a terrible thing, it can be annoying yes, but its not a bad thing, but at the same time I can be logical.  I can stand back and say, 'OK, you're right.  That won't work.' 

And then I get hung up on a thing.  And then to rationalize it I search the heavens.

Having a baby changes you.  That is undeniable.
But I don't think that is it.  Yes, my son has changed my life.  He has changed me.  But I just can feel it in the air.  The death of my old life.
For a while I wanted to revisit it.  But I don't.  I don't see the point.  I now need more.  I guess it's like learning algebra and then someone trying to tell you that really, only simple arithmetic exists.  No, there is more.

I don't regret my pass.  I look upon it fondly.  Even the bad parts.  I'm one of those that believe that the journey creates who you are and while sometimes the journey outright blows - in the end you're a better person for it.

I'm a better person for it.

And I no longer know what the future holds for me.  And I'm happy about that, because for the first time I see a very long future and before I just saw a few seconds forward.

While I'm irked by it all, I have to say I'm liking who I am.  And those moments, some of them from the old me, I still hold close because I don't want to forget them or forget the me that I was when I had them.

And who knows.  Maybe its not done.  But if it is.
I'm finally fine with that.

And that, my friends, is beautiful.

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