Saturday, February 28, 2009

News Update! The world is still stupid...


A long time ago I used to have this daily ritual, after I ate breakfast I would take a steaming cup of joe over to my computer and start reading the news.

I've never been much of a fan of tv news - anchormen/women normally piss me off because they make faces at certain points in stories or I don't like their voices, especially local news.  Maybe it's because they all think they're going to be casted in the next Scorsese picture, or maybe it's because I feel "Family Guy" sums up what the local anchors are like - in my mind anyway. Regardless, I would rather read my news.  New York Time, Washington Post, Wall Street Journal and I'll check CNN too.  (and on Wednesdays I read the Onion.  Cuz it's funny.)

But I fell out of this sometime last year.  Near the end of my pregnancy, you know, when I was giving away all of my NON pregnancy clothing to Good Will (80 degrees and 8.5 months pregnant = not happy lady) I also quit the Y, and did other assorted things that I won't get into...  one of those would be I stop reading the news.

It started with the Journal.  It's an expensive paper, AND they charge to use their website.  SEE YA!  And then I just stopped all together...

(War?  What war?  We're at war?  Does anyone have a ding dong?)

But at one point I did know what was going on in this world.  I would start with world news and work my way back to the U.S., then local, move over to business, arts and movies, science and then sports.  (I have my comics emailed to me - I'm a big fan of Non Sequitur and Get Fuzzy.)
I mostly read the sports section to catch up on scores - for the rest of my sporting news I would watch ESPN when I ran at the Y.

Then I gave it all up.  SEE YA!  Yup.  Not smart at all.  (you know, kinda like after your pregnant and you do get back to your pre-pregnancy size and you have nothing to wear because YOU GAVE YOUR CLOTHING AWAY TO GOOD WILL...)

As time moves on and life settles around me I've started trying to get back into that routine.  No, I'm not up nearly as early as I used to be, so I'm normally a dollar short and a day late.  But if something major happens the husband will text me or someone will tell me (granted the husband normally only texts me if it's Brown's related - SEE YA KELLEN, I've heard they have a lot of "staph" in Miami.  Be careful!  And yes, the 4.5 hours drive IS worth it)
Anyway, I'm just trying to get caught up.  6 months is a long time to be out of the loop.

So I go to CNN.  Click on World - over to ASIA (the have the most people and the biggest guns - its nice when they like us... do they?  I don't know.)  No, I don't know.  I STILL don't know because this headline caught my eye, 

"Topless Coffee Shop a Hit in Small Maine Town"

Population 4,500.

"Hey Al.  How was yer latest catch?  Was it a good haul?"
"Oh hey Bob.  Not good, not good at all - but I see yer daughter got herself a new job slinging coffee over at the mall.  Gee... I remember when you and Sally had her... She's 18 now...?  Right...?  18?  And I'm thinking a full C."

No.  Not awkward at all.

"An 80 year old woman told me she'd like to see me in spandex." Yeah, old women can be pervy too little boy.  Please don't forget to wax that spot on your shoulders before you come in tomorrow - and they're called 'trimmers' - you're not Robin William's son.  We don't need people thinking that there's something nesting in your chest. 

The owner said they didn't hire "10's"... they hired everyone from skinny to "big boned."  
Cuz you had a choice, right?  
Not because a chick that's willing to walk around topless who is considered a "10" is going to want to sling coffee, in a mall, over say doing the SAMEthing at one of those places that men go too with lots money burning in their pockets... what are they called?  DAMN IT!  I can see it!  There are poles and drunk guys that tip you more than 50 cents for a small mochachino...?  

OH RIGHT!  A STRIP CLUB!

"Mom!  One day... when I grow up... I want to move to one of the coldest states in the WHOLE COUNTRY and take off my top in a mall so Grampa Joe down the street can stare at my boobies!"  

Oh Donald Crabtree - you DO know what people want!  Here's hoping you had all of your employees sign legal release forms saying that when some jackass kid in the mall thinks its funny to knock a freshly brewed cup of java onto Sally Lou's taa's, you are not liable.  3rd degree burns are S-E-X-Y!  MMM!  MMM!  MMM!  (drooling just thinking about it!)

~sigh~

I love the news!

Oh, and in case you were wondering - most of the employees they interviewed all said the same thing, "I'm just happy I have a job."  GO ECONOMY!  GO!

Yes.  It's moments like these that I realize this is truly a beautiful country.
War?  What war?  DID YOU HEAR THERE'S A TOPLESS COFFEE SHOP AT THE MALL?

God bless the U.S.A. and sleazy men willing to take advantage of young people in the time of an economic drought, even if those young people aren't tens.  I mean, how many 80 year old women can get the homes bus to drop them off at the only male revue in town?  Not as many as can get drop at the mall!

"Martha, yer grandson just makes me wish I could still get my knees up by the sides of my head again!  If I were 60 years younger I'd take him over my knee...  Maybe I should take him over my knee anyway and show'em what I can do without these dentures..."

And yes!  I WOULD like whipped cream on that!

Now, off to news from Europe.
(Please say bottomless Dentist office!  PLEASE SAY BOTTOMLESS DENTIST OFFICE!)

Sweet dreams!  And good night... ;)

No comments:

Post a Comment