Monday, February 23, 2009

perversions on a retrospect of life - in B flat

I'm a pretty resilient person. I like to think I can bounce back from things pretty easily... I mean, after 33 years of life there is baggage, how could there not be? But most days I'm okay, and most times when I look back things that I feel were "bad" at the time really were no more than a blip on the radar of my life.

Every now and then I do get caught on something. Like a sweater on a nail or an over exaggerated OCD moment - or even better - like a bad studder. You can see past it, but you can't speak past it. The same word is repeated over and over and over again.

I hate that.
I become a person I don't like.
I hate that even more.

So I turn away. Look for the "silver lining" or the "open window." I pull out every cliched line on the planet and introduce it into my life -
"You catch more flies with honey than vinegar."
"If it's meant to be, it'll happen."
"Never take life too seriously. No one gets out alive."

Then there's always the proverbial
"If you love something set it free..." or "Thank god for unanswered prayer..." or whatever another one is...

I turn into a self help book and just wait for my phone to ring so I can be presented on the next Dr. Phil show. (another one of my many pet peeves... I dislike Dr. Phil just as I dislike Oprah... anyway) So I turn myself into some self help crap, and then I find myself annoying myself...

I think I began warring with myself many years before I began doing anything else in my life. Misconstruing the need to better myself, straying into a perverse section of my psyche as I slowly became neurotic and hyper sensitive. And when I get "stuck on a nail" I become so self aware of the thoughts that when people DON'T see me like that I find it confusing - but at the same time I find it wonderful - because it's nice to have proof that the screwed up thoughts I have are just mine. 
I really don't like the idea of other being able to read too closely into what I'm thinking (and here I am tell the world about it! HA!) but I don't. I like the choice to be able to let people see what I want them to. My very own Mr. Dark, entertaining the ideas in my head and giving me the illusions I need to suffice and move forward until, again, I can look back and say... "huh... what was I getting so worked up about? Just another blip on the radar..."

Just another moment in life.

I'm overly tired today, which is causing me to stray into this psycho babbling dorkfest which is overly esoteric and about nothing in general.  I know, I know... I keep coming back here... and I don't know why either.  I'm starting to think that it's just a bad habit I formed when this late night schedule became my general life.  That coupled with the fact that there is nothing on TV.

But then I think, for a moment - just a moment - that I'm not alone in this psycho babble.  That I'm just splaying the words across this luminous screen and making someone say - "Yeah, me too."

How can I be resilient all of the time?  I suppose no one is.
I just wish this metamorphosis was complete so that I could get on my merry way instead of dealing with the ebb and flow of nothings and uncertainty.   
The words play like a player piano over and over in my head - each note specific and perfect and repetitive - retrospection on things that should have been loss in the time passed but still play like an eerie tune in the back halls of my mind.  They've become a frightening tune that allows me to know that Freddy or Jason are lurking just around the bend and even though I know I should use the front door, I find myself opening the basement door to check the boiler room - one... last... time...

So now it's Monday night and nearly 11pm.  I'm sure Bourdain is on waiting to taunt me into another overly explicit blog about the foodie I love and hate on the Travel Channel.  Just as I'm sure that my blog from yesterday is haunting me seeing that Oh Darling has been stuck in my head for most of today.  But that's 1969 Beatles - not 1964...

And that would be your song for tonight...
Oh Darling - written by Paul McCartney and released on Abby Road... was Paul dead?  Is that why he's barefoot?  (and yes, I'm sure Lennon was listed as a co-contributor to the writing of said song - it was 1969 - and it was their show.)

...Oh Darling, please believe me, I'll never do you no harm
Believe me when I tell you, I'll never do you no harm...

A blues-esk song from someone who was known for his pop tributes... I have to admit, I've liked Oh Darling since I was about 18 years old.  My sister was obsessed with the Beatles and she would pop in cassette after cassette whenever we drove anywhere.  She is also the reason I've been to Penny Lane and Abby Road.

I think I'm going to go get lost in the lyrics for a bit... but I'm sure I'll slip back over to the words of Killing me Softly again... that's where I'm at tonight.  
Slow movements and sultry tunes...

Swaying alone in my living room at 3am when the rest of the world is fast asleep, musics surrounding me as I let the perversions do what they must.

But for now... 

When you told me
You didn't need me any more... you know I nearly broken down and cried
When you told me
You didn't need me any more... you know I nearly broken down and cried...
Oh Darling, please believe me
I'll never let you down
Believe me when I tell you
I'll never do you no harm...

~good night


  1. yeah, we all have our lil' baggage

    it is a blessing, in my mind

  2. I think you're right. Otherwise we'd all be rather boring now wouldn't we? And extremely naive...

  3. "Swaying alone in my living room at 3am when the rest of the world is fast asleep, musics surrounding me as I let the perversions do what they must."

    Thank God, I'm not alone!