Friday, February 6, 2009

Sex, Drugs and cutting yourself off...

So I was thinking about blogging today.  I have to admit, this is one of those things I look forward to every day.  I'll just let my mind run and see what I come up with - what I want to talk about, or need to talk about.  Need to because of my semi-nervous breakdown that started about 6 months ago.  Can't say I'm proud that its still an issue, but I AM proud that it's nearly over.  

How do I know?  I should go and import some of my earlier blogs onto here.  Lets just say, I'm a LOT more stable now.

Anyway, when things started falling out of place I did what I normally do.  I started to rearrange things in order to make it all fit again.  And then I began to shut down.  This never works but it never fails.  I do it each time.  And then I start giving up things.
I gave up drinking.
I gave up talking to people. <-still having some issues with this, but I'm getting there. 
And then, I gave up sex - yeah... really?  I know what you're thinking and yes, I am an effin moron.  I'll come back to this - actually - that is what this entire blog will be about.


So seriously.  What the hell was I thinking?  There are things you quit to make your life a better one.  Drugs are a good example.  Smoking.  Even drinking, but sex shouldn't be one of them.

Now, don't get me wrong.  If the mister gave me that look I have been all about it.  But I stopped talking about it.  No, I didn't strap on a chastity belt and throw away the key, I'm not certifiable, but I did other things.  I just step away from porn.  Stop doing other "things" like a good girl.  Basically, I banished it from my mind and I just didn't seek it out.  I even attempted to dress differently.  See, I'm a fan of the low cut shirt and the snugly fitting jeans.  Or the short skirt.  That is me.  I like my body and I have never found it wrong to display it, if you will. (in a tasteful manor of course.)  I am fine with finding people staring at my boobs.  They're boobs.  And I'll strip a hot guy naked in my head so I don't think getting all prim is a right that I have.  I think its just human nature.  

But I gave that up too...
And I changed my clothing... 
Buttons to my chin.
Baggy pants.
No skirts at all.
Seeing that I rarely ever go out, this wasn't much of an issue.
Yoga pants, a baggy shirt and a bulky robe.  
And seeing that I was depressed I would just not try at anything
No makeup
shaving... showering... 
Yes, the husband is a very understanding man...
Oh la la!  SEXY!

Me doing the old take back started with the drinking.  
I get together with a friend of mine, we try to meet once a week, to talk about life in general and writing.  We call it "therapy".  
We used to write together all the time.  He's the reason I love noir and pulp stories.  
So, we were messaging each other about hanging out and beer came up.  (he had decided to give up drinking with me) I asked him why we had made that decision?  Neither of us could remember what had prompted the dry spell, so I picked up a six of budwiser and made my way to his house.  A few beers later he brought up my idea that cloistering myself would make me a better person.

He was right.  The husband deserves better than that.  

Once again.  Its the old, "don't cut off your nose to spit your face" rule.  Which I was doing a lot.  Depression is like a really big maze.  Its like the end of the Shinning.  You're just trying to get away from the bad guy so you'll do what seems like at good idea at the time in order to survive.

Game on.

Why?  How is this making me a better person?  It isn't.  I mean, I still believe if the entire world got laid on the same day we would have world peace.  It is by far one of the most fun things two people can do together.  And if its not, figure it out!
I know it can't always be great.  I mean virgin on virgin is like two deaf mutes playing marco polo - it tends to end poorly, especially for the girl involved.  But still!

So, as previously stated, game on!

See, these thoughts let me know that I'm becoming stable again.
Maybe it's because it's warming up outside.
Maybe it's because of the stilettos I just bought.
Or maybe it's because cutting off your nose to spite your face is stupid.  And I can see that now.
I don't know or care.  All I know is that when I think of some of my favorite memories - sex is involved.  Maybe it's comments or the actual act.  Yes, it has gotten me in trouble.  Being female and overtly sexual gets you into trouble.  
I remember after playing a show, the singer from the other band came over to compliment me and I was excited for the compliment.  But then he ended his statement with, "But sex sells."
So yeah, there is a down side.
Or the jackasses that think that lookie means touchie.  No.  It doesn't f*cktard.  But seeing that those things are rare, will be even more rare seeing that I no longer bar it up nightly - I'm only hurting myself.  Right?  Yes.  I am.

So I'm done with it all.  I love beer.  I'm and EXTREMELY social person and I think that sex is awesome.

People shouldn't be so damn uptight.
I shouldn't be so damn uptight!
Really, it just makes me boring.
And there are enough things in this world that we can't control that are boring.  So why add to it?

I'm done for the night.  Maybe I'll go wake the husband... hmmm... maybe I just will...

Feeling normal again is a wonderful thing.  Well, normal for me ;)

~The End

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