Thursday, March 19, 2009

And when you get stuck...

When is it the right time to stop saying and start doing?

I don't know if any time is the right time for anything.  Most days of my life I do what I will and just move forward.  In that light is just very easy to get lost - lost in the shuffle, lost in a moment - before you know what's happening it's months down the road, even when those memories feel like they were just yesterday.  You can see yourself just reaching out and touching them - but they're gone, long gone.  And like a piece of paper on a gust of wind you watch it all move away from you.  Another defining moment lost in a shuffle of time.

I've spent more time out of my house the last week or so.  
That sounds weird.  Like I'm agoraphobia or something... 
What I mean is I actually went out and saw some friends - and it was nice.
Catching up... doing the "I haven't seen you in ages" dance...
My favorite is the "so what's new?" question that is always answered with a firm "nothing.  how about you?"

I love my son.  He's all I talk about.  I feel bad.  I can see their eyes glaze over as I talk about, well, baby stuff... 

There have been moments in my life that after they happen I look myself in the mirror and say out loud, "Remember this.  Remember this moment."  Because I can be flighty and like I said - I tend to live life by the moment, not thinking that far ahead.  I've never been the ten year plan kinda gal.  That's just too far away.
Too much can change in this world to say - In ten years I'll... 
Yeah, I'll be ten years older.

Right now is one of those moments.  Remember when you have a new child all you do is talk about that child even when that voice in your head is screaming for you to shut up... you really just can't.

But still, I want to go out more
To see people
I think it's healthy - I think it's smart

but then when I come back to my bubble its just this over processing of nothing moments... 
Yes, yes - worry wart.  The end.

Oh what a tangled web we weave... Sir Walter Scott, how he knew what I'm thinking... 

I really do think that life is just a simple thing - the only problem we have is that we just need to remember to breathe.  We need to remember that its not a race and we need to remember that it is also not a contest.  We need to remember to stop thinking about it and just live it.

I had a teacher once, a sociology professor to be more specific, and she was amazing.  The first day of class she had us do the around the room thing that I hate so much.  At the end of the room she stood in front of us and listed who she was, the fact that she had 2 PhDs, was a medical doctor, had like 4 masters and I think 1 or 2 BAs in something.  And we all just sat there with our chins on our laps and she said, "But you know what?  I was born just like you and I'm gonna die - just like you.   So does it matter?"

Does it?

We do things that define ourselves every day without realizing it, and then there are those moments that we do things IN ORDER to define ourselves.  Career, family, how we dress, what we eat... and it just makes me think... 

What do you want to be remembered as?

I would like to be remembered as a writer.  A nice person that was there when someone needed me.  A good mom... 

But then, with the writer part, I think about the 6.7 BILLION people on this planet and I think about how I like to go to this little antique store that has a wonderful old book collection in their basement and buy random books from people I've never heard of... I love to read those books.  Forgotten in time.  Lost.

I remember seeing one that was written by a woman, but it was from the late 1800's and instead of her name it said "Written by the wife of..."

So that got me into buying these books - they wanted to be writers too.  That's what they wanted to be remember as and here we are, not knowing their names.

I have this one little red book that I bought like that.  It's all water laden and warped that I love to read from time to time... its all old pulp stories from the 1930's.  I love the vernacular of that time... the old slang is just quaint in the present day but I just wonder if people really did say things like "Chicago Overcoat" (which is a coffin)... 

I want to write something that makes people think.  Really think.  But then I can't... I don't know where to start.

And that's what happens when you define yourself sometimes - you don't know when it's the right time to start things because you've pigeonholed yourself by creating a definition of what you feel you should or should not be or accomplish.'ve got to get yourself together, you've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it.  You say that later will be better, now you're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it..."

I've taken a week off from writing my story.  I'm going to go work on that for a little bit, even though I should probably get some sleep.  No more stuck... 

And yes - I'll sleep when I'm dead.

...and if the night runs over, and the day won't last, and if your way should falter along this stony pass, it's just a moment.  This time will pass...

~Good Night

1 comment:

  1. Stretching out to make something that people can appreciate is one of the struggles that writers face, stare directly at and stare down. When you can do it, you'll be awesome. Great blog.