Tuesday, March 17, 2009

the long, lonely night


I sit alone in the dark, night after night.
I lay on my couch and watch the television - Asian cinema seems to be where my heart is these days.
And the heroic music plays gently in the background as I lose myself in the story
or just lose myself all together
The cats jump on my feet as I dance alone in the dark
they ruin things 
it's their job
and my job is to get mad and boot them off the couch

and the dance continues just like the night before

I listen so desperately to the baby monitor hoping not to hear a sound
but with each moment praying that a sound will be made
because until I hear that noise, I can't sleep - not even a wink
but when it comes, I grunt and drag my ass up a flight and a half of stairs
bottle in hand

and the music keeps playing
serenading me in my nightly quest to find the rhythm I seek out so much.

My mind roams too much
and I swear some more
praying and hoping that tonight will be the end 
but knowing the transition, while almost complete, isn't - not just yet

And the dance continues

And the movie plays on

And the words keep coming 

And the nights are so long

And I know I can take it even though I'm sure I'm done

And the dance continues, and I am still alone

People tell me it will calm down.  I know, I'm not that naive.  But when you're surround by the fallout you can feel nothing more than weak and breakable
And when I look back, I'm sure it will all be fine
but until then
I'll watch my movies, pretend the walls lead to nothings and know that at some point I will sleep.

Because when I don't...

the dance continues... the movie plays on... the words keep on coming... I have to be strong... and I want this change more than I can verbalize... but I want more, so much more than anyone can even understand... and when I feel whole again, not this tiny small thing that has no hope, I will smile

the music will stop

my brain will be mute

and the words... the words... they will turn into something new

I have to go dance alone in the dark to the cinematic score that is now this moment of my life... and you have to go to sleep
sleep

good night.

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