Sunday, March 8, 2009

Sometimes dreams aren't worth it...


I started having the dreams again.  The bad dreams... Dreams that Wes Craven makes millions off of.

They make me hate dreams.  I really hate knowing that some things in my life are so deeply rooted in my brain, I can't even avoid them when I rest.  Especially when I haven't thought of them while I was awake.

But it's not just that.  It's not just, "Oh crap I forgot to pay the mortgage."
They're bad dreams... 
To say that they're disturbing is putting it mildly.  But sadly, I'm kinda used to it - well, at least I was. 

I used to have reoccurring nightmares for years.  And to clarify, by years I mean pretty much my entire life.  That is until a few years back.

I've had two years off and now, here I am again.

It started with the cleaver man.  In my head I suppose I like to add flair to everything, only intensifying the situation.  He was scruffy, even dirty - I know there was dirt under his nails.  He was in my house, by my knives and I was alone.

I'm always alone in the dreams.

And he killed me with the cleaver.
I think I took it in the chest, I woke up as I was fading away.
It really did only hurt for a second, then woozy and warm and it fades... 

I read some where once that if you die in your dreams you will die in real life.  

This isn't true.  

I've died so many times I lost count in my early twenties.
I've been gunned down on a flight of stairs running with a man - he died first - I woke hysterically crying
I've been trapped in the hull of a sinking ship.  The water slipped over my head and my chest burned and then it was quite - so quite...
I've been pushed off a building
Stabbed
Set on fire
You name it - it's probably happened to me in a dream - and I really mean you name it.  I've had a lot of really bad dreams in my life.

When I tell people this they always want to analyze them.
"You're worried about something."
"You're anxious."
"There is something unresolved in your life."

Yes, yes and I'm sure yes.  But why the two years?  Why the break?  Why did I get 2007 and 2008 off?  And to be honest, maybe it was longer... for some reason I want to say it's actually been since 2005...

Another puzzle.

My life as the Sunday "Family Fun" section of the newspaper...


I've been an insomniac for as long as I can remember.  I don't remember a time that I slept more than I do now.  I was always the first awake growing up and the last asleep.
Same thing goes with the dreams.
When I was little I used to have this dream of a man on a horse - the man and the horse were a silhouette.  And they would grab me, ride on top of a grill like place and he would drop me to the fiery depths below. 

I'm sure its all irrelevant
No, I'm not
The only thing I do know is that I would rather just not dream at all
I don't want to get used to this again

I was always taught that death in a dream meant transformation, change in life...

What kind of change is so drastic that I needed to have a dirty man put a cleaver in my chest?

I'll let you know when I figure that out.
Even though I'm pretty sure that I never will, at least thats my conclusion from the last batch of dreams I had.

Now wish me a good night sleep
and pray I don't dream
and if I do, here's hoping for rainbows and unicorns

No, that sounds even scarier than the man with the cleaver...
I'd rather just not dream at all

~Good Night

2 comments:

  1. A
    I think it would be worth looking at what the last two years have been like for you. One theory is that we dream to assist in resolving what we literally run out of time to resolve in the day time.

    Taken from that frame of reference, it is like taking on a part time job to increase the resources or get additional experience. If you can keep a pad and pencil by the bed and begin or keep a consistent dream journal...I have found those really helpful. It is also interesting to note the content of any recurring dreams.

    Have the last two years been calmer? more productive? More oriented towards personal achievement of personal development.

    Here is what I am relatively sure of....Creative dreaming can be the birthplace of resolution. It may not be a simplistic proces but multi leveled.

    I love studying about dreaming. It sounds as if you are already doing some study about what dreams might mean. I do wish you more inspiring dreaming whatever that may mean to you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You should study me! Haha... I'll have to keep looking, right now I'm not sure what changed to bring them back.

    But whatever it is, I'd like it gone.

    ReplyDelete