Thursday, March 12, 2009

you may be right


Sorry about that world...

Find a moment of sobriety and next thing I know a middle age man is handing me a pile of papers that shouldn't have my name on the.

and it begins again... 

...you may be right.  I may be crazy.   But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for.  Turn out the light, don't try to save.  You may be wrong, but for all I know you may be right...

I'm going out tomorrow night.  Time to blow off some steam and to get the craziness back to a respectable level.  I should be honest with myself about things, I should be honest in general.  What is it that's driving me to all of this and if I am honest it is simple.  I'm scared.  I'm just really scared right now.

the dreams make sense again... 

So much has changed in the past year that in this whirlwind that is my life I keep finding myself lost.  Yes, I have moments of clarity and yes, I know it will turn out fine - but standing in the eye of the storm I'm just damn scared I'll be blown over or blow away. 
 
When things took the turn they did 8 years ago and I found myself on a new plane of life I looked at that change square in the face and I took it because I had no choice.  I tried to let that side of me that keeps things so tightly wound go, but its just so ingrained in my existence.  That is my security.

That is exactly where my mundane routines come from.  
My security blanket.  
And here I am, a new mom with the knowledge that even after all of this change that has already occurred soon there will be more.

I had my ducks in a row and now I can't afford the ducks I wrangled so I just don't know.  I don't know and I don't know how to deal with that so I suppress those feeling and then lash out.  And then I feel so silly and so crazy and while I'm still digesting one thing then another is presented to me and I don't know how to be me or who I am... 

...I've been stranded in a combat zone, I've walked through Bedford Stuy alone, even rode my motorcycle in the rain.  And you told me not to drive, but I made it home alive, so you said that only proves that I'm insane...

I'm at that sad little moment that I want nothing more than to have someone just tell me what to think and who to be.  Because it is simple and it may not truly be me, but its... simple.  I just feel so schizophrenic and the voices in my head keep yelling at me and they are fighting and I just smile and smile and smile some more because I don't want the world to know that it's happening at all.  I don't want that look or the pat on the back or even the hug or a half comment over beer.  I just want to see into the future at what is next, just to know where I'll be and that through the process I'm going to be okay and not fail myself and become something I can't swallow.

...turn out the light, don't try to save me.  You may be wrong, but for all I know you may be right...

I've never done this before.  Not like this...

The whole song doesn't even apply to me - I just like the refrain

{pigeonhole}

The smart side of me knows that nothing will happen that could be that devastating if I just let it go, but how can I do that with the uncertainty... 

scared... 

I fear failure so much I seem to cause it

you may be wrong but for all I know you may be right...

I need to go breath
I need to go sleep
I need to stop living on coffee and cigarettes

I need some more sobriety, and a teddy bear, and to kiss my son
something to hold me and let me know it will be fine
and to tell me all the things I tell myself every day - I'll be fine
It'll all be just fine

{lies}

because I really think you may be right (thank you billy joel)

~good night




3 comments:

  1. Beautiful lady . You are so honest and real and I wish that time would march on, ships would sail smoothly and that waves would be gentle.
    My mother used to say...This too will pass. We both know that is true and when the storm is raging is it hard to know when that will happen.
    Hugs
    Linda

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm just glad Billy is still out there doing shows

    ReplyDelete