Thursday, April 30, 2009

The Bird and the Paddle



Once upon a time, inside a boat house worked a bunch of men.  As they worked they suddenly notice a small bird had fallen into the body of water that was surrounding them.

Without a thought they tried to save the bird.  Boat paddles, skimmers, brooms and whatever they could grab - they attempted to scoop the bird out of the water before it was too late.

But it didn't happen.  There was no paddle, no skimmer or broom long enough or strong enough to pull the little bird from the water.

The bird died.

Every hero that has ever been written about has more in common than they know... To be a true hero you must understand loss.  Because when you lose something you suddenly understand gaining.  It's a wicked lesson and one most hope they can learn through theory alone.

But Batman lost Robin.  Superman lost Wonder Woman.  Spiderman lost Aunt May. 

The next time the paddle will be long enough and if it isn't - you'll jump in.  You will realize that the little things you leave behind are worth leaving to save the bird.

(yes, yes... the fortune cookie continues... you're lucky numbers are 7, 13, 12, 42)

~good night (wan shang hao)

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Warrior One


Sometimes I feel so knotted up.  My joints are stiff and unmoving.  I'll do yoga to try to fix this, but day after day, hour after hour of holding my son I feel I am slowly being twisted into an old worn tree branch.

At one point I could fold myself in half and now if I can touch the ground I am happy.  Randomly, when the moment presents itself, I'll run through a long memorized routine that has been etched in my head for years and years.

Cat, cat lift, downward facing dog, lung, forward fold and back up.
move back to child's pose and end in meditation.

Plank poses.  Upward facing dog.  Swan.  Tree.

Yet I'm still stiff.  So I move forward and then I always end in meditation.  Let the snow melt from my mind.  Each flake a problem that is not important enough to hold on to.

And then, just like my muscles and my joints my mind grows muddled and thousands of thoughts clamor into my head destroying what little peace I was able to obtain in my less than suitable impromptu yoga lesson. 

Warrior.  Warrior one.  Triangle.  Breathe.   Always breathe.

I don't like being angry.  That is part of the reason I started to meditate so many years ago now.  Yoga came later - after 6 months of physical therapy for a pinched nerve that seemed to grow worse as the days moved on.  The doctors told me that I would be in a wheelchair at 25.

I'll be 34 in October.  Always get a second opinion.

So did it help and does it now?

Yes.

Unless the variables are too many.
Control freak for a reason and not the negative ones the world likes to see.

Balance.  

Cat to cat lift... downward facing dog - hold and breathe.

My adventures are that of yoga.  It's been quite and I love it more and more.  I don't like big groups of people.  I don't like drama.  I don't like assumptions, presumptions or anything that ends in "umptions."  I want to watch the snow melt in my mind, to lead me to spring.

Yes.  It sounds lame.  Weird.  Girly.  But anger only limits things and I can be angry without even trying - a gift I don't want.

Conversation.  Good wine, good food and good friends.

Good fortune can be obtained by working for what feels right.

And I can sound like a fortune cookie when I'm trying to meditate.

Ah... forward fold, head to shins, arms raised behind my back.

Sit down, cross legs, wrists on knees.  Lotus pose.  

Sometimes, when I page through one of my many old Asian history books, when I pull out the chapters on religion and philosophy I wonder if we westerners have ever had a true moment of peace.  Sometimes I think our capitalist society draws us in the wrong directions.

And then I move from sounding like a fortune cookie to sounding like a zen proverb.  We can only be walked on if we're willing to lie down.

Mountain pose.  Screw lying down.  When you surround yourself with people who love you... life is beautiful, even if you feel like an old tree branch.

Ahh.... sounding slightly crazy never felt so good.
Breathe.  Meditate.  Good night.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Why?



Why?  Why is it so hard for people not to suck?  I mean, I don't ask for much in life, clothes on my back, food in my belly, time with the fam, maybe a candy bar here or there.  But thats not good enough.  

Nope.

I'm going to be a hermit by the time I'm 40 and to be honest - I'm kinda looking forward to it, because then... ahhh... sweet, sweet silence.

Excuse me.
Thank you!
I'm sorry, were you looking at that?
Can I hold the door for you?

When did it become acceptable to be rude?  When did everyone start thinking that they're more important or even just better than everyone else?  I don't mind a little confidence.  Actually, I think it's a great thing to have, but that moment when you hear yourself saying in your head, "Oh, they're just jealous of me!"  No.  No, they're not.  Just like you don't see the daily ins and outs of their life, they don't see it in yours.  So get off your high horse and realize that we are all born into this shit and we're all gonna die too.  And you know what that means?  We're all equals.

~sigh~

Venting is fun.

I'm going to go eat some strawberries now.

And to everyone that sucks... you can suck a big one huge.
How long till I go on vacation?

Monday, April 20, 2009

Consider that life is handed to you in a form you can handle... never more




I don't know why I do it to myself.  Wander around in what was and ponder it like it matters and then realize how much it never really did in the first place.  

Yes, that is the problem with late nights...

Its like anything else - there is always an upside and a down side... The upside is the quiet, the seclusion I find in the dark.  It comforts me, it has my entire life...  The down side is that it sometimes gives me too much time to over think the little nothings in this world... 

But here I am, night after night - day after day...

I remember in high school (and after) I always had two sets of friends - friends I hung out with early in the evening and friends I hung out with at 3 am

this drove my parents mad

I would go out, come home at midnight, hang out for an hour and go out again...

My sleeping problems have been with me since I was born.  I am lucky with my boy, he sleeps, maybe not every night, but he sleeps pretty well for being only 6 months old.  Not me, I never slept - and as you can see, I still don't.

Falling back into this world wasn't by choice.  Before the small one I went to bed with the husband whenever he did.  

I don't miss that

I don't miss a lot of things 

Now I sit on here at night, writing, reading, doing research, preparing for when the robots invade.  

And I love it.

The house settles around me.  The cats run under my feet. The husband and the boy snore down the hall.  My face glows from the computer screen.  My hands rest on the keyboard and I formulate where to go next.

I love it.

And those moments I think I don't, and I walk away, every time I am reminded.  
Reminded why I still choose not to go to bed at ten or eleven or even at midnight.  Reminded why I turn my phone off at seven.  Reminded why... so many things are what they are.

I've always been social.  As my mom says I could talk to a wall and have a great conversation, she is right.  And give me a few beers!  I'll chat you up until the end of days!  

Yet, I like how the computer screen makes my face glow.  How the cats meow behind me.  The snoring down the hall.  Random car headlights filling the room, starting at one corner dancing to the next.

I used to manage about 20 people - I so rarely see anyone anymore

I like to rest my hands on the key board as I formulate where I'm going next... talk about me, talk about TV, talk about food... play on facebook, read some blogs, do some research.

For as social as I am, I long to be alone even more.  With my own thoughts I find balance - with music I find peace.  Without the clutter and clamor of everything else I find happiness. 


I haven't done the music thing in a while, so here you go - the band above is called "Girl in a Coma." (Don't be confused with the Smiths, "Girlfriend in a Coma," even though that is a great song too)

And this song is called, "Consider"

I'm going right back to my 
lost comfort ...would you close your eyes 
on our first kiss of the night?
carve my name on your bedroom wall
I am going nowhere
sulking in days I now laugh over
would you smile if I wrote you a song?
and would you cry for every night I am gone?
We long for those special people
Who pull away when you start to figure them out
I am going nowhere
sulking in days I now laugh over
but now we know just were they go
when there crawling alone searching
for a piece of what they long for

"...sulking in days I now laugh over..."

I laugh at a lot of things these days, but I find I get overly annoyed very easily too.  The longer I live in this bubble-esk domain I created, the more I just don't want to hear it, from anyone. I don't care.  It sounds mean, but I don't - especially gossip.

I don't care about it - I don't want it part of my life - I just don't.

"We long for those special people who pull away when you start to figure them out..."

In those moments I deem my late night blogs unacceptable, my solitude inexcusable and unhealthy, I will reach for things that aren't there, realize that, and then I hope that I'm the one who is pulling away.  

Because I really just don't

My one friend noted that I, sometimes, leave things/people behind.  I think that if I'm leaving something behind there is a good reason.  I have my family, and while friends are nice - family supersedes it all. 
And when I am sad, they suffer.  That is not fair to them.

So are you going to close your eyes on our first kiss or carve my name in your bedroom wall?  

That's really up to you.

Chances are I won't because, I'll be writing something like this.

You have sweet dream now, and know that in life seclusion is not a bad thing.  The quiet helps you find what you lost and realize what you need.  Balance.

When my life is not balanced... I'm useless.

"...sulking in days I now laugh over, but now we know just were they go, when there crawling alone searching, for a piece of what they long for..."

~Good Night

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Anyone ever see Mask with Eric Stoltz?


I over slept this morning.  Well, I woke up after 10 - yes, I know that's just plain crazy, but I don't normally make it to be until around 4 so, in the scheme of things its only 6 hours and not that bad.

Its a fun way to live - this STAY UP ALL NIGHT crazy lifestyle I've managed for myself postpartum.  At times I complain, but honestly... I like it.  I like the quite in the middle of the night.  I like to be able to read and write and do this or even just peruse the inter-web.  (and I think it's funny to call it the "inter-web")

On Tuesdays and Thursday my parents take my boy and watch him for me while I snag my 6 hours of sleep, I then wake up - drink coffee - check my email - read the news and whatever else I need to do and then I go and get him - the boy!  

Last night, laying on the couch around 3 am I found myself thinking about all the fun things we would do today.  Watch a movie, go to the park, attempt to get him to say "mama." And I drifted off to sleep.  All happy and excited!

Plus, he's teething and the possibility of a tooth being present this morning was great!  

Today, since I woke up after 10, I skipped the email computer portion of my morning and drank some coffee and ran over to get him.  He was napping - a whole 6 minutes.  No joke.  He saw me, giggled, I picked him up, giggled - packed up his things and brought him on home!  We hunkered down for a nice lunch and a small nap...

[insert evil horror movie music RIGHT HERE]

As you know, last Sunday was Easter and in one of the boys Easter Baskets was a little container of... custard.  And after our thing of delicious squash I decided - lets take this for a drive - DESSERT!  

Lets skip forward...

The emergency room nurse looked down at me, I would say she even peered over her clip board with a grim look on her face.

"Have you ever fed him eggs before?"  Her pen poised above the chart she was filling out that held my son's name at the top.

"No.  Never."

"Never.  You've never given him a cookie or some cake?"  I wonder if it's a trick question.  I wonder why she would ask such a thing.

"No.  Never.  He's only 6 months old."

"But you gave him custard."  She scribbles something.  I look at my son.  He looks like Eric Stoltz in Mask.  His right eye is nearly swollen shut, his lips would make Lisa Rinna jealous, his skin is all patchy and despite all this he is contently staring at the male nurse who is listening to his heart and every now and then glancing at the TV (my son, not the nurse) that was blaring Ni Hao in the back ground.  Visibly, I am more upset than he is, that's for sure. 

"Yes.  I gave him custard."  

She asks me a thousand and one questions, including, "Have you ever tried to harm yourself or your child?"

"Outside of the custard... no."  She gives me another look.  

I apologize.

They take his temp, weight, listen to his lungs, tell him he's cute and then gather us both up and take us to a room containing a fire engine bed and choo-choo train wall paper trim.  I'm holding my son, who is now crying, the male nurse puts on Ni Hao in the room for us and this settles him until the doctor comes in and rakes me over the coals telling me, in very subtle ways, that I'm a moron - nay - I'm the QUEEN of morons.  What was I thinking?  Eggs?  Eggs before my son turned one?  

"I don't know.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I wasn't thinking!  Trust me, I sure as hell was NOT thinking..."

My son takes one look at the doctor and freaks out again - he wants nothing to do with him - only the male nurse.  He doesn't much care for the peering female nurse either - nor do I.  

(or the "I'm here about billing" lady.)  

By this point the show has changed to Wow!  Wow!  Wubbzy, we've seen one episode and that was the one that was on, so after the doctor explained the shot and the other medicine that was to be administered to Baby Stoltz, he leave and there I am cooing to my child about Wubbzy when my mom walks in. 

(she was parking the car - and yes, they worked that quickly to get us in a room)

My mom called my dad and my husband who was on his way to meet us - but sadly he was meeting us at the wrong hospital.  So there he is, standing outside the ER of a hospital we weren't at, my mom is handing me tissues for my tears and my son's spit up and my father is calling my phone, repeatedly, because my mom isn't answering hers.

She leaves to phone him and square the men folk away - and we continue.

Now, my son's hooked up to a machine, crying because he REALLY hates the new nurse, and the shot and the other medicine...

A half hour later my husband arrives, by this point my boy looks a lot better - to me - 

"His eye!"

"He looks good now.  His lips were bigger than Julia Roberts before, right now he looks great.  I'm so sorry."

He scolds me for apologizing and finishing looking our son over, making sure he's fine, but not touching him because the baby finally fell asleep in my arms and was snoring and drooling in my left ear.  

(Which I totally appreciated because it saved me from staring at his chest to ensure he was breathing properly.)

We were there for about 2 hours.  And he was fine.  It was noted that he shouldn't have eggs.  And I concurred and told them he'd be raised vegan - I was given another look.  

If looks could kill, I would have been the one getting shots and hooked up to machines.

The ride home was silent.  
Just the sound of the wet pavement under the car tires and the swishing of windshield wiper blades.

And when we got home, I took my son and kissed him for about 20 minutes and he pulled my hair and then played in his exersaucer for about an hour - happy to the world.

And I sat there, on the couch watching him smack the different buttons filling the room with a mixture of Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star, When Johnny Comes Marking Home Again and some random Calypso music - I cried. 

And when he saw his stuffed Ming-Ming doll and threw his hands up and started shaking for a second because he was surprised by her and then grabbed her and held on as he hit more buttons I laughed.

Oh, and yes - he now has a tooth!  They grow up so fast...

Weekly Adventure COMPLETE!

Next weeks outlook?  Here's hoping for BORING and DULL!  But I'm going to a wedding on Saturday, so who knows... 

Monday, April 13, 2009

this is what happens when I get bored... nothing


(I don't know what the picture means either - but there's a puppy and the can is red - SHINY!)

I’m overly unenthused, bored and tired

And even if I weren’t, I would still just be here

I would still just be blah

My mind is racing tonight and I don’t know why

I hate when my mind races

And I hate, even more, when I can’t pinpoint what’s causing it

These obtuse moments of OCD make me want to break things

So I sit here on the computer

Killing time

As it murders me back

Eating, fidgeting, feeling frustrated

And wanting nothing more than to spite the world

The dirty cuss that it is

Objectified

Obliterated

And just plain wanting to scream

I think if I have a break

There is no break

And then I get even angrier

Because

Because

Because

Excuse

Excuse

Excuse

I just want to sleep

Or to read a book

To write something – anything – creative

But the block is back in place

And my ideas seem juvenile at best

And the waste products that are my words

Dribble down this page

Emphasizing what little there is to say

Reminding me that it is late

Causing me to wish

Dream

Scheme

Plan

Plot

A new diverse something or another

Sometimes

Words are my curse

Because I lost the ones I needed.

 

This drivel was brought to you by me

I know

I'm sorry too

 

~The end

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Adventures!




Phase one of blog change is complete!

More to come...


Wednesday, April 8, 2009

sometimes I get so tired I feel my eyes crossing before I know what's really going on...


HAPPY WEDNESDAY!

I need to go to bed... I don't know what's even compelling me to be on here - sheer will I suppose...  

So here is a recap of my week - as you can see, I saw Twilight on Sunday... still wish I hadn't.  Monday was normal - except for the fact that we are no longer in any debt at all!!  Isn't that just awesome?  I like to think so... Tuesday I spent the day with my son, which means I was napping at 5 once the husband came home because my eyes were crossing - badly (but thats more due to the fact that I had a whole 2 hours of sleep the night before!!)

And then today, or just now, I spent a very long time working on my other blog - Yes, it's almost like I'm cheating on myself... but not like that at all...

And I still have a cold... plus it's nearly one in the morning... 
I need sleep... I will come here soon and write something pretty and put up pictures!  It will be grand!

You have a great night!  BYE!

~good night!

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Say it! VAMPIRE! Twilight baby, yeah!



Guess what movie I watched tonight? (*cough* look up *cough*)

yes... a little part of me slipped away tonight and I'll never get that part of me back... but on the upside - now the husband and I will walk around for the next month or so saying the following, 

"Say it, out loud, say it."
"Vampire"
"Are you afraid?"
"No."

Well you should be sweet heart, because beside being dashingly handsome as a pseudo "James Dean" rebel vampire - I WANT TO EAT YOU!  You smell DIVINE!  It's all that dry heat, isn't it?

I'm going to go watch 1984
or to bed

it's a toss up - but I'm leaning more towards sleep... 

Now be a good little boy and go brush your fangs.

~good night


Friday, April 3, 2009

people suck


I think one of the suckiest moments in life is that moment when you realize that some people look at your child as a burden and what makes it worse is who those people are.  

You expect from the single - non-children people in your life... but you never expect it from your family.

Guess it goes to show you that at the end of the day, the only person you can truly count on is yourself because sooner or later everyone else is just going to screw you over.

fuck the world

fuck it all

your fucking loss