Monday, April 20, 2009

Consider that life is handed to you in a form you can handle... never more




I don't know why I do it to myself.  Wander around in what was and ponder it like it matters and then realize how much it never really did in the first place.  

Yes, that is the problem with late nights...

Its like anything else - there is always an upside and a down side... The upside is the quiet, the seclusion I find in the dark.  It comforts me, it has my entire life...  The down side is that it sometimes gives me too much time to over think the little nothings in this world... 

But here I am, night after night - day after day...

I remember in high school (and after) I always had two sets of friends - friends I hung out with early in the evening and friends I hung out with at 3 am

this drove my parents mad

I would go out, come home at midnight, hang out for an hour and go out again...

My sleeping problems have been with me since I was born.  I am lucky with my boy, he sleeps, maybe not every night, but he sleeps pretty well for being only 6 months old.  Not me, I never slept - and as you can see, I still don't.

Falling back into this world wasn't by choice.  Before the small one I went to bed with the husband whenever he did.  

I don't miss that

I don't miss a lot of things 

Now I sit on here at night, writing, reading, doing research, preparing for when the robots invade.  

And I love it.

The house settles around me.  The cats run under my feet. The husband and the boy snore down the hall.  My face glows from the computer screen.  My hands rest on the keyboard and I formulate where to go next.

I love it.

And those moments I think I don't, and I walk away, every time I am reminded.  
Reminded why I still choose not to go to bed at ten or eleven or even at midnight.  Reminded why I turn my phone off at seven.  Reminded why... so many things are what they are.

I've always been social.  As my mom says I could talk to a wall and have a great conversation, she is right.  And give me a few beers!  I'll chat you up until the end of days!  

Yet, I like how the computer screen makes my face glow.  How the cats meow behind me.  The snoring down the hall.  Random car headlights filling the room, starting at one corner dancing to the next.

I used to manage about 20 people - I so rarely see anyone anymore

I like to rest my hands on the key board as I formulate where I'm going next... talk about me, talk about TV, talk about food... play on facebook, read some blogs, do some research.

For as social as I am, I long to be alone even more.  With my own thoughts I find balance - with music I find peace.  Without the clutter and clamor of everything else I find happiness. 


I haven't done the music thing in a while, so here you go - the band above is called "Girl in a Coma." (Don't be confused with the Smiths, "Girlfriend in a Coma," even though that is a great song too)

And this song is called, "Consider"

I'm going right back to my 
lost comfort ...would you close your eyes 
on our first kiss of the night?
carve my name on your bedroom wall
I am going nowhere
sulking in days I now laugh over
would you smile if I wrote you a song?
and would you cry for every night I am gone?
We long for those special people
Who pull away when you start to figure them out
I am going nowhere
sulking in days I now laugh over
but now we know just were they go
when there crawling alone searching
for a piece of what they long for

"...sulking in days I now laugh over..."

I laugh at a lot of things these days, but I find I get overly annoyed very easily too.  The longer I live in this bubble-esk domain I created, the more I just don't want to hear it, from anyone. I don't care.  It sounds mean, but I don't - especially gossip.

I don't care about it - I don't want it part of my life - I just don't.

"We long for those special people who pull away when you start to figure them out..."

In those moments I deem my late night blogs unacceptable, my solitude inexcusable and unhealthy, I will reach for things that aren't there, realize that, and then I hope that I'm the one who is pulling away.  

Because I really just don't

My one friend noted that I, sometimes, leave things/people behind.  I think that if I'm leaving something behind there is a good reason.  I have my family, and while friends are nice - family supersedes it all. 
And when I am sad, they suffer.  That is not fair to them.

So are you going to close your eyes on our first kiss or carve my name in your bedroom wall?  

That's really up to you.

Chances are I won't because, I'll be writing something like this.

You have sweet dream now, and know that in life seclusion is not a bad thing.  The quiet helps you find what you lost and realize what you need.  Balance.

When my life is not balanced... I'm useless.

"...sulking in days I now laugh over, but now we know just were they go, when there crawling alone searching, for a piece of what they long for..."

~Good Night

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