Sunday, May 17, 2009

Idol was dancing with himself - but me...no...I just like to screw with my own head...


So I talk to myself.

I'm sure everyone does.  I mean, I know most people don't hold full conversations in their heads with people they are not around... but that's just another level of how... fun? I am...?

(but you may have guess that after reading "A List of Things I'll Never Say.")

Those lists either stem from or lead to word throw-down in my head.  This may also explain the almost obsessive amounts of writing I do on a daily basis.  (once again, I'm sure lots of people journal, but do they journal by hand - and have 2+ blogs that that maintain nearly daily? Guess...no.)

So I like to mess with myself... I could dance with myself.  Or even "bop" (oh the 80's...)  

Sorry.

Anyway - I feel this is just part of being a writer.  I think about things and stories, situations in lands I make up and in life - or from life in lands that I make up so then I'm sitting there, on my couch watching something like "Gossip" and they say something which I then apply to my life and the next thing I know my mind is sooooo out of control it's worst than this here run on sentence.  Almost.

I just don't understand why I do it to myself.  Why can't I let go of negative things that make me angry enough to over analyze my life though words written by another writer - words that have nothing to do with my life.  

Trust me - there may be gossip in my life... not the same thing.

I may be impatient, but I don't hold on to things so when crap keep popping up I have to ask myself why and when that turns into a cluster of swear words and a whole lot of unwanted anxiety... See, this is why I used to work out.  You get your heart pumping and sweating and the only person there is you and you're boarder line hurting yourself because you need to rid your mind of all the crutches you've built - those crutches becoming pseudo storage containers for obscure commentary that has nothing to do with anything.

Yes.  I do come on here to see it in front of me.  Thus forcing me to analyze it on a bright shiny screen.  Some how its hard to deny your own stupidity when it's bright in LCD... (or is this screen plasma...? I have no clue)

It's even harder to deny things when they've been recorded.

I'm not a stupid person, and it's more probably due to the fact that I am so freaking impatient. Oh, patience is a virtue. Well, there are 52 virtues all together - so what if that one keeps screwing with me?

You know what I think it honestly is?  My continued quest to be not human and to be impervious to negative situations... one small criticism makes me bonkers and then I try to remind myself - yes, bouncy or weird or crazy - or whatever you want to call me, at least I'm not boring.  No one wants to be around a boring person - unless it makes them feel less boring.

Personally, I just want to stop having full on arguments in my head with people I haven't seen in more than a month.  
But I keep doing it because I'm angry and I may keep a lot inside, but I'm not used to keeping my anger in.  I'm used to putting it out there - I feel that's only fair.

but I don't... can't... won't... don't deserve my anger... 

See.  I do this to myself. The dirty cuss that I am.

The dirty, tired, hungry, sore, ignorant cuss that I am...
Swearing like it's 1862 is fun.

Good night

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