Friday, May 8, 2009

A list of things I'll never say!

You know that moment when you feel it.  
You're sitting there and suddenly it pops in your head - 

Crap, I think I'm getting sick!

I'm at that moment.
Here's hoping it was the 3 beers, 
two cigarettes and a pile of m&ms I just ate...

Who knows....

What I think is funny is that for many moments I am fine
And then... I AM NOT! I sure wish I was a robot. Please reboot me.  
(I should probably wish I wasn't a dork)
Naw... teasing... 
Baggage is fun!
It keeps you evolving...
and slightly off kilter late at night.

SO! I have this list. I have many lists. (you may imagine...)
Everyone has lists.
There are the lists of "people I'd like to sleep with" (that's the polite version of that list)
Then there is the "list" list - you know... people you'd like to smack in the face...(also, polite version)

I have those lists too, and I have another list.

This very special list resides solely in my head. (with the voices)
It's the "List of Things I'll Never Say!"

This list is amazing, because it always starts off slow, mostly out of nowhere and then BAM!  
I'M SCREAMING LIKE A TEENAGED PREGNANT GUEST ON JERRY SPRINGER! 
(Maybe if I roll my head enough I'll make it on the Soup! If only I had a catch phrase...)

Each time it's the same...

I'll start off with the normal, "You know what..." and the next thing I know I'm feverishly cleaning the house
ranting in my head about things/people that annoy and/or disgust me.

As I've stated, these things are on the "Things I'll Never Say" list, not the "Things I'll Hold in Until I Blog"
list... yes, that means I will still NOT say most of them - partially do the the abundant amount of profanity
I like to use in these rants (this blogs is not set to 18+) and partially due to the fact that some things
should just be a rant in my head as I scrub the tub. (my tub is very shiny)

But alas...

You see, I'm on the tail end of a buzz. Earlier - when the buzz was much more prominent the rant in my
head was ... drunk lucid... and now I'm sober - BLURG - and so the walls are up and the "screw that"
attitude is back in its place and the "really? shut your pie hole" mentality is in for the night.

I'm a very "take it or leave it" kinda gal. I'm not a fan of "games" and I don't
"mince words." (but I sure love me some "quotes")
I just say it - sometimes that works out, sometimes it doesn't but its who I am - and if you
don't like who I am.  

[shall I insert that rant here?!!!]

IF YOU DON'T LIKE WHO I AM then you can go screw yourself. Seriously, get a freaking life - I have one!
I wasn't put on this earth so that you could sit around and belittle me - but you know what? Go ahead.
That way I know you have something to talk about over dinner since it seem you have nothing to talk 
about at all.
Yes. That's the purpose of my life. I was put here so that, when you're blowing on your pasta - 
that you cut up... into tiny little pieces...
You can talk about me. How much weight I lost - you know, cuz I did it on purpose to piss you off.
You can talk about whatever you like! The books I like or don't, the fact that I don't like stupid cheesy ass 
tearjerker movies that really are poorly written and target an audience - just like you!
Hell, and when the pool runs low - make shit up!

I used to apologize for me.

But no more. I like me.
I have shitty ass self esteem - so you know what I do when I'm feeling super low?
I tell me how awesome I am!

How's that make you feel?
Makes me feel like a million freakin' dollars!
Shiny dollars! You know - ONE MILLION SHINY COIN DOLLARS!
(that just adds to it right? Coins - not paper dollars... in your pocket... weighing you down... the nerve!)

Oh rants.
Joy!

~sigh~

How do I know?
People think they're cleaver - I've met maybe 2 cleaver people in my life.
I'm 33.
Not good odds for you.

So I build my list
And it grows
But I never write it down. Not here. Not in my journal - electronic or hand written
(And yes - I hum the Doogie Howser theme when I journal on my computer.)

Why? Why don't I write I down?
Somethings are meant to be forgotten...
And in ten years - when I'm getting all "buzzed" - and before the
"really? shut your pie hole" mentality is in for the night

I'll remember
And I'll laugh
Because when you're not in the "shit" (oh Rushmore)
Its so much easier to find the humor

Things I'll never say...
And you thought I couldn't keep my mouth shut... oh, if you only knew...

I need a lozenge
Stupid beer, cigarettes and M&Ms...

Will I ever learn?!
...do I really want to?

[insert rant here]

sweet dream, may sunbeams find you. sweet dream and leave your worries behind you...
Shut up already and go to bed!
GOOD NIGHT!

4 comments:

  1. Kind of true and a tad funny.Alas I can relate! You are straight forward in an interesting way A
    Linda

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  2. Well thank you! I probably shouldn't blog after I've had a few... and whats going on with the text wrapping? hmmm...

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  3. I love a good blog mixed with a couple drinks!

    As always great stuff! We need to have a couple drinks together soon...Then we could both go home and blog about it!

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  4. LOL! Yes we totally should!

    ReplyDelete