Thursday, May 21, 2009

The long sleepless life...


I'm alone so much any more
Time has become a whirlwind
I used to think you had to be out running to make it move so quickly

I was wrong

I listen to the birds sing and whistle to each other
The cars speed past my house
Tiny snoring in the next room

My back hurts 
It always hurts

It all could be spinning and I'd never know
I like it that way

The sun rises
It sets
The cars speed by
My jaw is clenched

I look forward to lying in bed
Even when I can't sleep
Which is most of the time
I look forward to the lake
Sometimes I think I was supposed to be a sailor
The vastness makes me see how small I am

I prefer it

I used to be afraid of being alone
Now I crave it like a drunk craves taco bell at 3am
I like the quiet
The peace
My thoughts not being muddled by those of others
The words that dance in my head are my own
I see the world as it slams into me 
I'm too preoccupied to notice it coming
And the feel of everything

Sometimes I think I was dead for a long while
Or at least asleep
I remember hands and legs and arms and eyes
Lights blurring by
Loud noises
Headaches
Words jumbled together until they meant something
Anything
Nothing...

Is it heroic when the person you're saving is yourself?
Or is it less heroic because it is you...?
Can you be your own hero for realizing you are the one that needed to be saved?
I'm tired of trying to save others

Yes, saving yourself is heroic

I'm alone so often now that when I'm not I hate it
I don't understand anything
I don't want to

I see lips moving and my head is somewhere else
I shut down
Don't comprehend

It's all a blur
A colorful array of movements
Splayed out around me

And I think
maybe now I'll sleep

And thats when he wakes up
Tiny little giggles 
Reminding me that its nice to be awake
Even if I'm so tired I could cry

3 comments:

  1. Wow! That's all I can say...That was beautiful, and sad, and inspiring, and...wow!

    "Now I crave it like a drunk craves taco bell at 3am"

    I love that line!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wonderful Poem and a matching picture :)

    ReplyDelete