Sunday, June 28, 2009

Sometimes I know I'm not meant to understand any of it, which is good, because I don't.

Why is it the older you get, the shorter weekends get?

Well, at least I learned a few things this weekend. They are as follows:

#1 - Baby hangovers are still the worse kind of hangover known to man. What is a baby hangover?You drink till 3am and then wake up and THERE'S YOUR BABY!

#2 - Regardless of how much I love it - Cow Milk Cheese is my mortal enemy and wants me dead. Badly.

#3 - When my parents say "come over for dinner" they really mean to say "I need a reason to justify a Banana Split and YOU visiting IS that reason..."

#4 - Even people that yell at you over the TV about buying cool things like Oxi-Clean and Mighty Putty can die

I feel the need to comment on the other deaths that have happened in the last few weeks - David Carradine (a.k.a. Bill in Kill Bill <- that's most recent), Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, Billy Mays and stupid ass Michael Jackson.

I'll miss David Carradine, Ed McMahon and Billy Mays.
Sorry Farrah and I'm not sorry Mr. Jackson. What asshole gets to be $400 million in debt? I get pissed when I have $500 in debt - what was that to you? One of those stupid ass surgeon masks you insisted on wearing to cover up the fact you looked like Mr. Bill on acid?

And to all of you out there over glorifying him and comparing him to Elvis - maybe Elvis when he was hopped up on drugs and kicked it on his toilet - but COME ON! You know, if you don't want to acknowledge the whole "small children" issue at least look at it this way, now Paul can buy back all the Beatles music. (I hear he needs the money to pay off his ex-wife)

I'm feeling saucy. 
Blame the cows milk... bastards... the stand there in their fields and look at you with those long lashes and big brown eyes filled with lies!

ugh! I need Tums... or a time machine... 

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

A Letter to No One:

Dear No One - 

Honestly, I don't know why I let things get to me the way I do. It's all truly a waste of time, time that I could be spending on a number of other things like canning delicious homemade jam, working on my book, throwing pebbles at passing cars - as I stated, numerous things, but I don't. No, I play evil jedi mind tricks on myself until I'm so off the only thing I can do is... this.

I keep repeating the word "neurotic" over and over in my head, but let's be honest (again) I'm really not that neurotic. My mind just runs a lot faster and in all directions - I blame the writer in me. (The only other people I've ever met in my life that think about things how I do have all been writers, bet if you put us all on an island together there'd be polar bears, smoke monsters and time warps back to the 70s... wait a minute...)

But seeing that if you know me, like you should, then you understand that I am what I am. Plus, you understand that I don't much care for apologizing for myself or things I don't feel I've done wrong.

THAT SAID, No One! Why you gotta be all like that? Why do you have to be all, "You should apologize?" NO, I DON'T! I DON'T HAVE TO AND I WON'T.

I will not apologize for several things, including (but not limited to) the following:

#1 - My sexuality. 
I like me. Why is it if you're female and secure about your sexuality you are either a bitch or a slut? (...reverse psychology? baby need therapy? no one say what?)

#2 - The fact that I like to swear and cuss like a sailor. 
I am well aware of the fact my boy will probably be dropping the f-bomb by the time he's 3. You don't need to point out that amount of times I use the word.  In the end, it's not that he SAYS the word, it's that he UNDERSTANDS that there are a lot of tight wads out there that don't LIKE the word, thus meaning it can't be used in every day language - even though I keep trying to.

#3 - My keen fashion sense! (Buffy - stole it) Really, sarcasm. SHAZAM!

#4 - My tattoos

#5 - The decisions I've made, even the really bad ones. 
I don't believe in regretting things I've done, even when they're stupid. Learn and move on. 

#6 - My bad sense of humor. 
In the end, I still think it's funny. Even if you don't.

And that's where I'll leave you with that! 

I get it, I'm weird. Quirky. Hyper. And a whole lot of other things, but that's who I am. It seems to me that when people spend all their time pointing out the faults in others they are normally hiding from themselves. (hint, hint)

You should go take care of that.


Monday, June 22, 2009

How lists are there to remind you that you're still not done...

I need to go to bed, but since I've decided I'm having a mid-life crisis (yes, I'm staring early in life) I'm still awake.

I decided to jump online because I'm obsessed with this game on facebook called "Yoville" and I needed to make my avatar go to the factory to get some coin (at least one of us will get paid) and I started to surf the good old internet.

I needed a smoothie recipe.
I'm addicted to yoville and smoothies.
Delicious and fun.

That ended quickly because the recipe is 3 ingredients and I can't send my avatar to work for another 20 minutes so I started to look at these damn survey things on facebook and that lead to looking at other lists, which lead to "bucket lists" and that, my friends, only added to the insane, too early to have one but I'm going to anyway, mid-life crisis that I decided I was having earlier today.

What is a bucket list? (Besides a movie with Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson)

It's a list of things you haven't done that you've always wanted to that make you realize just how mortal you are and forces you to deal with the fact that you... ok... you get it... 33... mid-life... BLAH!  

(and I'm hanging out with a 23 year old on Friday. That should help.)


Here I sit, thinking about what I should put on this list. I've learned how to play several instruments, ridden a horse, taken a train ride, swam in the ocean - Atlantic and Pacific, left this rock that we live on and flown over to a different country, had sex in some fun places, taught myself how to cook, kissed a stranger, had a kid...

All of these lists have "go sky diving" on them - they can all bite me. Same goes with "Hot Air Balloon Ride" - NOPE! NEVER!

So let's see...

Write a script - CHECK!
Write a novel - CHECK!
Write a children's book - CHECK!
Go Camping - CHECK!
Do stand up - I'm married, does that count?
Visit a Renaissance Fair - ...and I dressed up... DORK!
See the Mona Lisa - CHECK!
Ride in a gondola in Venice - <- haven't done that yet! ONE!
Learn how to salsa - <- I REALLY want to learn to do this but am a coward... ok... TWO!
Witness a solar eclipse - CHECK!
Run a marathon - THREE!!!

now there's this whole "sporting" section like, swim the English Channel - no thanks - become a triathlete - I'd rather not - play golf... how about putt-putt?!

Hmm... let's see what else is there...

Canoeing, horseback riding, fishing - done, done, and done....
Learn how to spell... still working on that!
I know what you're thinking. Why is she looking at other peoples list? 
Shouldn't I have my own list of things I want to accomplish before I die?
I do - but when it's late and I'm tired - my brain ceases to work so I need a little encouragement from the outside world...
But here are a few things I would like to do before I die:

- I would like to get my son to stop being a spaz when he should be napping
- find/create the ultimate salsa recipe and the ultimate hot sauce recipe
- Rome, Athens, Tuscany, St. Petersburg, Reykjevik, Prague, Stockholm, Dublin (to name a few)
- Learn a second language
- Own an in-ground pool
- Get my pilots license (planes, please stop falling out of the sky now. Thanks)
- Buy a bar
- 1970's Chevelle
- Run a marathon
- Accept the fact that I'll never have an ice cream sundae again - at least not with real ice cream
- Have my batman comic published by DC
- Write an album
- Waterfall shower
- Live on a tropical island for 6 months and only wear a bikini the entire time
- Walk a red carpet at a movie premier or award ceremony  
- Tell my 6th grade teacher to stick it 
- Tell my 12th grade science teacher Thank You
- Be an extra on Doctor Who

So that's a good place to start.

Right now, I'm going to find a little snack and then shuffle off to bed.

Tomorrow. I write!

Have a good night!

Desperation for a job...

Two years ago I didn't own a house or have a kid and the economy wasn't great, but it sure as hell wasn't this bad. Now, I have a kid and a house and the economy is knee high in the sewage that was covering my basement floor last week and what am I looking for...? Oh, that's right, a job.

In the writing field I can't get work, but none that pays. I did apply for one that pays, but never heard from them... I've sent out my resume to everyone I can think of and their mother - hell, I've even sent one to your mother... still... nothing...

I wish I could get paid to tell people they were idiots.
Like people who "diet" - you're an idiot. Dieting never works, just stop eating so much and lay off the fast food - that'll be $10.50.
Or people who insist on driving in the "fast lane" but going the speed limit. MOVE OVER! That'll be $13.75.
And that chick who was sitting next to me at Star Trek. Sweetie, it isn't funny when the people blow up... $101.15...

What am I going to do?

Mother of all things holy, especially Christ on Friday and Jesus on a pogo stick!!!


Dear World,


Thank you,

Thursday, June 18, 2009


stop it now
stop it
the noise
the sounds
the mess in my head

stop the light
and the dark 
thing things that distract

pull it together
before you fall apart
and stop it 

listen to the world
the wind in the trees
know that the simplicty
is still worth it
that the phones 
and the noise
the radio
the tv


stop it
stop it all
before it depletes you
before you are empty inside
know there is more
that you may not see
because of the cluster
the clutter

Take that second
it's worth it
there will be more 
others peoples moments
take this one 

and stop it
you can't remember
why you started


Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Cleaning house! ...and the basement... and my nose...

I decided to go through my archives and delete the immense amount of drafted blogs I had written and hadn't posted and inadvertently deleted a post.

Say la vee!

So, I decided today that I was going to start a quest to reach stardom by forty. This is a massive turn of events in my life seeing that I normally like to be in the background - and I don't mean like a fixture, I just like to orchestrate things.

Namely other peoples lives.

I've always had a bit of a Geppetto complex. Pulling strings and such.


Well, now that I've gotten that out of my system.  I'm WICKED tired and my neck is sore. I was supposed to go to yoga tonight but the gods decided that I would stay home. Damn them all to hell.

Have I mentioned this has been the longest week in all of humanity?

So last Friday we had a few friends over, which ended like it always does. My husband is smart and I think I can drink like I'm 23 - which I can't. That led to Saturday, where I was hung over for the second weekend in a row. ('CAUSE I CAN'T DRINK LIKE I'M 23 ANYMORE!!) That put us behind a day in yard work so Sunday we planted, weeded, hauled and all other things you do in a yard that are required to make your yard look decent to the outside world.

I'm sun burned.  It itches.

Monday the husband had to do a bit more in the yard which left me running in and out trying to help him but tend to the boy at the same time. Then I made a delicious dinner, promptly got sick, and they stayed up till 2am watching TV.
Yesterday was more of the same - we extended our patio, which means the husband did it because... baby... (who slept 13.5 hours yesterday... no, I'm not complaining.)

So today, I'm supposed to go to yoga and the husband was going to relax and watch a movie called Shogun Assassin. And then the smell starts...

You see, we've been having some minor plumbing issues. Nothing to worry about. Until the raw sewage is filling your basement! JOY! So the husband and our really nice neighbor who is a plumber fixed the basement while I worked on here.

This is me finally being done with work.
It's late.
I'm tired.
And tomorrow... tomorrow is only Thursday....

My husband said to me as I was kissing him good night, "Well, at least tomorrows Friday..."

I felt so bad for him.
My poor little bugger do...

I need to get some sleep before the little one awakens, and I need to get the smell of poo out of my nose. When I'm famous I'll hire someone who can do all of that for me - watch the little one and get the smell of poo out of my nose... 

I will call her Carla.

Good night!

My crazy dream about being locked in a glass coffin...

I've been looking for a job lately - in the field of writing. I figure this is what I really want to do, so what am I waiting for? A letter from Random House telling me to just go for it?
So I've been sending letters, emails, carrier pigeons to anyone that even smells of needing to work with a writer.
Yesterday I got a bite!
My first reaction was to think it was a scam. I mean, must be - right? Once that passed I realize it was an honest opportunity so I started checking the job out - pays decent, pretty much a one shot deal, but hey! Getting writing credits is a good thing!
OK - I'm going to do this!! I'M GOING TO DO THIS!
As the night progressed it all started to dwindle down into, "No, I can't do this." My lack of self-esteem gravitated toward the basement and then, as I was drifting off to sleep, I began to fight with myself - because I'm good that.
"Give me a sign!" I muttered in my head.
Really -A? They wrote you and offered you a chance at a job, what do you want now? Them to show up at your house with paper and a pen?
As the fight ensued (and I moved to the couch because the snoring was interrupting the argument in my head) I finally began to drift off to sleep... and then I had this dream.
I was lying flat on my back wearing a long white gown, my hair laying around me, my arms folded across my chest. I was looking down at myself as my husband lifted me up and placed me in a clear glass box. He was speaking to someone else - and right now I don't remember exactly what was said, but it came down to this.
Save me for later. Like I was limiting myself by being put in a glass coffin so people could see me, but that was it.
When I woke up, and the dream played out in full in my no so conscience head, I heard, "Look mom! I'm a metaphor" in my voice. So I stood up, laughed at myself and went back to bed.
My lord... I'm going to attempt to take this job!
Wish me luck!!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

How mysterious must one be to make you smile?

I speak of sleeping often

probably because of how little I get

when the day breaks I think that night I will go to bed early

I will sleep

and then the day kicks into full gear and by this time of the night, I'm just not tired

I'm only tired when the rest of the human race is zipping around having coherent conversation with other coherent humans

When I was younger this wasn't so much an issue, not having a husband or a child allows you a certain amount of freedom that you otherwise don't have. Can't sleep? Go out. The fact that I live in a town that boast well over 100 bars, that was never an issue.

Still, I can't say I hate it. I can't say I dislike it so much that I'm willing to remedy the situation as I have tried to so many other times in the past - this is who I am - insomniac extraordinaire! The layers of the onion are peeled back even further. Not really, as I said, I talk about sleep all the time, but alas...

On this ridiculous journey that I call my life, it is a constant. Sometimes it is worse, sometimes I don't sleep at all and sometimes it is "better" which is to say I sleep a lot - but that usually means there are bigger problems in my life. I sleep a lot and eat very little when my life is not balanced. In the end the instability that is my lack of sleep is the stability that I need to carry forward to whatever the next adventure I will be jaunting out on.

I read this article over the weekend in a yoga magazine. It was about this woman who realized her purpose in life right around the age that I'm at. (If you can't tell, this is something that I've been searching for - purpose. That and why I'm getting a yoga magazine in the mail that I didn't order...) I was telling my husband about the article, he smiled at me, he doesn't read those type of magazines and I understand. Sometimes they over express the "essence" of life... okay, they're talking incense and love-ins and we've always been more of the "I'll beat the crap out of you because you knocked into me and then gave me a look like it was my fault" kind of people. (Anger. Keeps you strong - and some times slightly psychotic) So I've learned that when I read things like that, he won't so I just break it all down for him. He thinks he can pull one over on me, but I can tell when he's interested or when he's just nodding and looking at the television out of the corner of his eye - and this time he was interested.

The article was in part about the author and in part about her friend, who at a late age in life asked for a divorce because it was just the right thing to do. Yes, that sounds awful - but it was just one of those things. Sometimes what needs to be done isn't the most pleasant sounding thing in life and sometimes it isn't about you or about me, for that matter. 

I despise when people ask me where I'll be in 10 years. Will I be married to my husband? Will I be published? Will I be standing naked on top of the Empire State Building quoting line from An Affair to Remember and King Kong?

I don't know.

I have always been the type of person who does know, who knows what the next 15 steps will be, but I don't want to any more. I think it takes so much away from everything in this world and I find when you spend all of your time life your life defensively you just end up missing out on life because you were so worried that things weren't going to go you're way you never had a chance to live the life that you had around you when it was there. 

Life is what happens when you're making other plans...

And like most, I have a tendency to forget the people around me and just see the world about me for me, me, me, me. Selfish, yes but human non the less. We all do it, just like we all pick our nose and we all - to some degree - still thinks the "he who smelt it, dealt it" rule doesn't apply to them.

Oh. It does. It really, really does.

In my massive search - my quest for my next step so that at some point I may (without total resentment) answer the "10 year" plan question (even though I still feel that I never will be able to) I read and look and search for things that carry a message that makes me feel not so unbalanced. And I found in the "when it's time, its just time" article in that yoga magazine.

Life isn't black and white so why do why try to make it be?

Yes, my past lives are all very different. If I wore them all out on my sleeves I fear I would like like a patchwork quilt, no, I know that I would. The woman who wrote the article said she had two lives in her life time - I feel like I'm on my 4th or 5th and I know there are more to come. The newer facets are scary but they glow brighter than the old ones, but most things new glow brighter - so that's just a fact and facts aren't scary, myths and shadows are... even to someone that surrounds herself in them.

Even to someone that never sleeps.

So this is one of my night pep talks to me and to you.

You are never too old or too young. Confidence is key and if you can see it you can accomplish it no mater how long it takes you to. 

In the 1,000 kids television shows and movies I watch now because of my boy I got this, "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift, thats why it's call the present."

and they say TV rots your brain! HA!

I'm going to go read a book, you have a good night.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Never gonna give, never gonna give... give you up... yes I am!

I read a lot these days.  This is actually not something new in my life. I've always been a reader. Yes, the types of things I read these days are a bit different, I tend to read more young adult books than anything, not the comic books I used to devour a few years back, but I've read some wonderful stories, and that I wouldn't change.

The whimsy of these stories offer forgetting adulthood and that, to me, is a blessing in whatever guise it presents itself. 

Plus, the massive amounts of books I own tend to be where I get all of my extended education from.

I have never been big on formal education. It's not that I don't respect it, I do, most earnestly, but it was always hard for me. I had no gray area, either I totally and completely understood a subject or I didn't and it was like slamming my head against the wall to make it compute. Oddly, English was one of those subjects, I suppose that means I'm not at a total loss...

That is where reading came in.

In my own "Good Will Hunting" kind of way I learned things by reading about them - and let's not forget about the internet. Not sure about a topic - Google it. (Or if you've been online as long as I have, "Ask Jeeves" or "Infoseek" - Ask is still around.)

I've become the queen of useless knowledge over the years due to this. That was merely a side effect of feeling so insecure that I felt the need to attempt to know everything. As if that is even possible... but it's fun at parties when I can ramble off random facts about things no one ever considered knowing about.

The massive down side?

I know a little about a lot of things but not a lot about anything certain. This, as you may imagine, sometimes messes with me. Oh, the love of messing with my own head!

My husband always calls an abundance of useless knowledge about one certain topic a "gift." Like his gift is you can ask him about any television show that was aired between the years of 1983-1991 and chances are he can tell you what network and time slot it was aired on.

I like to tell him how I used to go "outside" and how I "had a life." He likes to laugh at this and tell me how he did too - still, I don't believe him! In the end, it may not be equivalent to reciting off 36 numbers of pi, but its something more than I can do, that's for sure! Kudos to him for that.

Still I keep reading.

Outside of books I come on here and read - all the time. I may not leave a comment, you may not know I've ever even stopped by, but I do read the people that follow me, that leave me comments or that I follow and then a few others (that I can't figure out how to follow.) I love the different personalities I come across and they way people I don't know articulate their thoughts about life and what naught. Intriguing to say the lease. 

(*side note: thank you to all the people that read my little rants)

When people tell me that life was simpler year ago before all of this free information I can understand what they are saying, but I wouldn't change it for all the world. Yes, the masses being able to self-publish their every thought may be watering down the market and muddling things up for the more sophisticated and traditional authors, but great change is a great thing. So I don't think that the "masses" are that much of a bad thing, not in all of it's entirety. (I do have to face the fact that blogging, in a way, is the reality tv of the writing world... but still.)

But I'm going to keep reading my books and my blogs - the most non-traditional form of education know to man to date!

I did have a point to all of this, but since I've begun this rant two cars have been driving up and down my street blaring music.  The first car is leaning towards something like 50 cent, but the second car... Rick Astley... who the hell blares Rick Astley?! (I'm gonna give you up... son of a...)
So I officially lost my train of thought.

Rick Astley... really?
Kids these days and their retro bad music! Whatever happy to zydeco? Not there are some great beats! ...I'm just kidding... I'm sorry ...good night...

Soundtrack of my life!

This is me bored at work... Thanks Beeze!


1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)

2. Put it on shuffle

3. Press play

4. For every question, type the song that's playing

5. When you go to a new question, press the next button

6. Don't lie and try to pretend your cool...

7.Then tag 11 friends including the one that tagged you

For this I used the Playlist that is at the bottom of the page.....

Opening Credits: Love You More (Buzzcocks)

Waking Up: Change of Heart (Cyndi Lauper)

First Day At School: Smile Like You Mean It (Killers)

Falling In love: Somebody Told Me (Killers)

Fight Song: Puppet on a String (The Hives)

Breaking up: Say (Girl in a Coma)

Prom: Be With You (Bangles)

Life's OK: Midnight Show (Killers)

Mental Breakdown: Johnny Are You Queer? (Josie Cotton)

Driving: Allison (The Pixies)

Flashback: True Colors (Cyndi Lauper)

Getting Back Together: Let's Spend the Night Together (The Rolling Stones)

Wedding: In Your Room (The Bangles)

Birth of Child: She Bop (Cyndi Lauper)

Final Battle: Dead Bum (Tilt)

Death Scene: Manic Monday (Bangles)

Funeral Song: Catus (The Pixies)

End Credits: T.H.E.H.I.V.I.E.S. (The Hives)

I don't have many songs on my work computer...

Monday, June 8, 2009

The lemmings dance around the court jesters feet - did you ever think it could be this grand?

The mythology of life is usually much more interesting that what life really is.  Stories.  Gossip.  Tell a friend = Telephone...

There are so many preconceived ideas of what really should be it almost a wonder anyone ever succeeds at what they strive for in life.  So many hurdles are thrown in your path because you "heard" a story as a child and then you decided it must be law and that law is suddenly your life.

Folk tales, books, the bible are all sources for some of these beliefs.  The notion that someone or something will "smite" you if you don't act a certain way or live your life in a certain order.

The dawn of cinema and television only made it worse - because with just the black and white of printed words you still had the option to conjure up images of your own, then they added one or two illustrations, suddenly the pains began to grown - but we survived and moved forward - then... TV... just throw in the towel and watch how other people think you should live your life... and the craziest part? People do it... THAT is just amazing to me. 

In this modern era, there is no reason to think, feel or do things on your own - television shows and feature length "block busters" spell it out for you.  Tell you exactly how someone else's belief system works and then suggest that you replace theirs with your own.  That is what its there for.  The entertainment value is always underlined with some subliminal message that if you're doing certain things - you are wrong.  Dead wrong.  So wrong that it's amazing you can stand on your own two feet and hold a fork in your hand... 

Don't get an umbrella for that storm - YOU'LL BE STRUCK BY LIGHTENING!!

In the 1600's people were set here, packed like sardines in creaky old wooden shipping vessels to work as indentured servants, working the land for their freedom, to slowly but surly work off loans they had made with wealthy British aristocrats.  Then, as our country grew, year by year, day by day - historical events like the Spanish Inquisition forced others to come here - to make the "new world" their home.  Being persecuted for their religious beliefs, beliefs that were different from the Catholic or Anglican church - it was something our fore fathers were against.

You know.

Until they could persecute others for not holding their beliefs. 
(Salem Witch Trials to the L.A. Riots)

It's amazing that this country is still standing after so many years.

Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.  The wretched refuse of your teeming shore, I lift my lamp beside the golden door...  you know - unless we don't agree with you... then you should just go away.  BECAUSE YOU ARE BAD!

Human nature has always been the same.  It beyond irks me when someone says the old, "it was so much simpler when..." crap speech. It has never been simple, it will never be simple. It's just different. End of story.

Here is the gist of it.  The strong kid bullies the weaker one, and when and if the weaker one grows strong enough - they bully someone weaker then them.

You can be "just" and "honorable" but in the end it's all a joke - because as long as we allow ourselves to be told what to do or how to think - as long as someone else is "singing the tune" we want to hear - regardless of the truth of the situation, the masses are going to buy it.


A thousand years ago I worked at a book store.  When I went out, people asked me what I "did" (what does that even mean?) I sold merchandise, predominately books.  All kinds.  Kids, adults, erotica, photo, comic, sci/fi, fiction, romance - books.

"I only read New York Time best sellers."  some girl bragged to me.


Just because one THOUSAND people have bought it doesn't mean its a good book. It only means that Oprah endorsed it.

"I think they explained it perfectly in the movie."  another customer told me.


It's a movie - it's fiction.  You didn't go see In the Time of Butterflies. You saw some piece of crap "summer" movie that was created solely to get your sorry ass into a seat and give them $10 a pop. Fiction means fake - if you want fact, turn on the history channel or open a book.


It's mind numbing when I hear it. It's like watching the court jester dance in circles because the king or queen said he'd lose his head otherwise. Foolish. Idiotic. Imbecilic. Moronic. Silly. Senseless...

I could do this all night.

I stand here, silenced, for there are no words to truly describe all that I have in my head right now.  My lips remain muted, except for a moment of laughter, stupefied by all of it.

Your mother asked you when you where a child, "Would you jump off a bridge if so-and-so did?"

Bet you didn't mean to say yes, but some how I'm watching you squeeze your eye shut and step off the ledge.

The mythology of life is just that - a myth - formed from stories that are derived from crazy people who talk to themselves all the time... I know.  I'm one of them.
Yes, it's true. The mundane dance we preform every day for the kings and queens in our lives keep our heads attached - but surly you must realized that there is nothing left inside when you do this dance too long. 

Everyone talks about freedom of speech - what about freedom of thought? The freedom to individuality? The freedom to realize when you're being fed a pile of crap... 

Are the shackles too tight yet? Be careful, they'll begin to chafe soon, and then what? Here's hoping there is anti-bacterial ointment in your delusion... 

Is that what you want? Is that what you laid in bed and dreamt of so late at night when you were a mere child just realizing this world existed at all?

When I grow up I wanna be just like everyone else...? Safety in conformity. Oh modern thought, how modern are you? Maybe if I watch the View tomorrow they'll let me know.


I'll say it now... pull the plug on me please.
Slip the noose around my neck.
Because I'd much rather jerk to a quick stop than land on a lemming. 

Friday, June 5, 2009

Dreamin' the good life...

Dreams... we all have them.  Maybe they are our hidden desires of something we want to happen.  Maybe they are something our subconscious reveals to us at night.  Or maybe they are just fluttering thoughts that haunt us throughout the day.

Every culture has theories about dreams and if you're a girl, chances are you own at least one dream book.  Perhaps you don't now, but at some point you most certainly did.  You may even own a set of tarot cards, maybe a dream journal.

The mystical occult of dreams and fortunetelling... 

My family has their own definitions to dreams.  The difference between one bird and two could mean life or death.  A cat meant someone was ripping you apart behind your back - a dog, a good friend for life.  All of ours were animal based beliefs, this is a bit strange since I was raised Catholic.

Then there are the basics that traverse every culture - birth and death - they always mean change.  

Personally, I think dreams are too private a thing to expect to find a meaning in a generic dream dictionary.  Take a black horse for example.  To you it may be a reminder of a something sinister, apocalyptic or negative, but to me horses are majestic and probably my favorite animal so chances are they just represent freedom in my subconsciousness.  And black, well black is like a warms soft blanket on a cold winter day... 

To me - freedom and safety.  To you - death and destruction.

In my life, when I start analyzing my dreams, pulling out the tarot cards, staring at the tea leaves at the bottom of my mug, I know that I'm "transitional." 

That is a nice way to say I'm looking for something that I can't seem to find the answer too - or I'm looking to be reaffirmed about something, some decision I've made in my life... 

I need, just for the tiniest of moments, to have someone or something tell me I'm right about the thoughts, feelings and decisions that I have made.  To let me know that I'm not a complete screw up.

But I don't talk about it...

That's when I have nightmares - which I do frequently, you know... 'cause of holding stuff in - that's when I know that my stress level is too high.  (As I've stated before, I've died in every manor and minor you can think of - and sadly, I'm not joking.  I've woken up crying, gasping for air, falling out of bed, flailing about tied up in my bed sheets...) 

That's what happens when you like to take care of things by yourself, even when there are people willing to help you out.

Regardless - for the most part dreams are wonderful things.  Even if you don't understand them or don't want to try.  Some of my favorite dreams that I've ever had had nothing to do with my life - they were just vivid stories that my mind made up to entertain me - like the time I stole the Winnebago and rescued a brothel of prostitutes in Florida.  We were caught, you see, one of the girls was trying to grab her boyfriend to take him with us, but he was a bit daft and didn't know what was going on.  We had all been kidnapped and thrown into the life - and when the madam told me I had to do my "job" or be killed, I left... when I say my dreams are vivid I'm not joking. Sound, color and some times music.

That was over five years ago and still I laugh when I think about it. Stupid daft boyfriend.

Most of my dreams, recently, have been bizarre tantrums with vivid colors and trippy movements. I really didn't think much about them until tonight - you see, I actually wrote this post about 2 weeks ago and originally there was a section that I cut out.  After the portion about death, birth and change I had added, "...what the hell else can change in my life?!" in reference to some transitional type dreams I had around that time.

I removed the section because I always fall towards the negative side of life... and I'm a bit (a lot) superstitious. Figured I had just jinxed myself by typing those words out for you to read...
But tonight it popped in my head and I saw the other side of the coin.  Positive change.
Fine, maybe dreams are just dreams.  
Or maybe they are signs to what's to come.  
Then again, maybe they are just a chemical being released in my brain that is causing me to trip in my sleep.  

I don't know.  

I like to think that when I die, I'll find out all the answers to this and many other great questions I carry with me day in and out - but for now I just have the joy of speculating, and because I like this happy feeling in my heart, brain and belly, I'm going to speculate the hell out of the potential positive change and than I'm going to state that I think we're all a little psychic - if only we'd allow ourselves to be. Everyone else calls it your "gut."

And I don't care what you think about that. (Put that in your pipe and smoke it!)


If we didn't have them we'd be dull, dull little contrive things that only exist to do mundane routines - lather, rinse, repeat - and who wants to be that person? Immersed in my far fetched ideals and schemes... that's where I will be.  Dreamin' away.

Dreamin' the good life...

~good night~

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Bring out your dead and don't let them go to hell...

Bring out your dead
please say it's not me
be trash or treasure
just not little old me

Those words have been stuck in my head for over a week

(and they kinda rhyme...)

Bring out your dead
please say its not me
a cart full of corpses
the end of everything

And I stop and I pretend I know what it means

But I don't

Death normally means change...

What the hell else in my life can change at this point?
Forget that I asked that...

Life is redundant
moving in circles 
crossing over and over and over

Mostly I feel like Moses lost in the desert

But sometimes I think I just know the change is coming
I can feel it - way in advance
Like a storm against your skin
Or an ache in your bones

I can feel it - even if I'm not sure what it is

"I wish you were happy" a quote from earlier
Speculation is annoying

Assumptions even more
To quote Sam Jackson, "...everyone knows when you make an assumption, you make an ass outta you, and umption..."

Poor umption...

The funny thing?
I am... happy
Happier than I've been in a long time

Please don't let my commentary lead you to believe otherwise
Pondering is just me!
I used to medicate myself to stop it
stop my brain...

(OTC drugs are sleepy nice)

Now... I don't

So bring out your dead
Oh, I know it's not me
And I'll be sure not to stand down wind of your cart

And in the end
if I turn out to be wrong
if it IS me...

I'll deal with that if it happens...

now go to sleep... 

[**the picture was found on - if you're a fan of random stuff, you should check it out**]

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Tell me about you! (but first, read about me! HA!)

I took this from another blog... a blog that wasn't the Beeze!  WEIRD!  I KNOW!  But I couldn't help myself... give me a good bunch 'o questions and I just have to answer them!

(and were did I find these fabulous question?  HERE - Magic Lantern Show!  A new blog for you to check out!  And yes... you're welcome!)

AND NOW (drum roll) THE QUIZ!!!!!!!!!!!!

What are your current obsessions?
- Blogging, writing, reading, my family, cooking, food and blogging
Which item from your wardrobe do you wear most often?
- My beautiful
tan heels, navy blue sailor shorts and hot pink, black, teal and white t-shirts
What's for Dinner?
- I had pizza because I got back into town around 7 and didn't have time to get to the store.
What's the last thing you bought?
- Pizza
What are you listening to?
- Nothing
If you were a God/Goddess who would you be?
- Athena or Isis
Favorite holiday spots?
- New York, London and now L.A. has made the cut - and any place beachy - I'm a fan of beaches
Reading right now?
- The Secret Garden, I forgot how much I loved that story
Who or what makes you split your sides laughing?
- This past weekend I've laughed more than I have in months, and my son

Who's your Hero/Heroine?
- People who are willing to take the leap even though its scary as hell
First Spring Thing?
- Not sure what that means... so I'm going to say the cherry blossoms
Favourite Film?
- I'm going to say Die Hard.  Why?  I've see it about 2,000 times and I just had the pleasure of seeing Nakatomi Tower!  Well, I should say Fox Studios - but same diff!
Care to share some wisdom?
- Don't take yourself so seriously, no one else does
If you were a tree, which one would you be, and why?
- I suppose a Cherry Tree or maybe Birch - they are both very pretty
Name fictitious characters who made a lasting impression on you?
-Andrew Wiggins, Edmond Dantes, Hank Chinaski
4 words to describe yourself?
- Driven
- Witty (heehee)
- Curious
- Dedicated
6 things you love? (other than the obvious ones)
- Writing
- Reading
- Exploring new cities
- Good Food
- Unexpected BBQs with new and old friends 
- Good Conversation