Sunday, June 14, 2009

How mysterious must one be to make you smile?

I speak of sleeping often

probably because of how little I get

when the day breaks I think that night I will go to bed early

I will sleep

and then the day kicks into full gear and by this time of the night, I'm just not tired

I'm only tired when the rest of the human race is zipping around having coherent conversation with other coherent humans

When I was younger this wasn't so much an issue, not having a husband or a child allows you a certain amount of freedom that you otherwise don't have. Can't sleep? Go out. The fact that I live in a town that boast well over 100 bars, that was never an issue.

Still, I can't say I hate it. I can't say I dislike it so much that I'm willing to remedy the situation as I have tried to so many other times in the past - this is who I am - insomniac extraordinaire! The layers of the onion are peeled back even further. Not really, as I said, I talk about sleep all the time, but alas...

On this ridiculous journey that I call my life, it is a constant. Sometimes it is worse, sometimes I don't sleep at all and sometimes it is "better" which is to say I sleep a lot - but that usually means there are bigger problems in my life. I sleep a lot and eat very little when my life is not balanced. In the end the instability that is my lack of sleep is the stability that I need to carry forward to whatever the next adventure I will be jaunting out on.

I read this article over the weekend in a yoga magazine. It was about this woman who realized her purpose in life right around the age that I'm at. (If you can't tell, this is something that I've been searching for - purpose. That and why I'm getting a yoga magazine in the mail that I didn't order...) I was telling my husband about the article, he smiled at me, he doesn't read those type of magazines and I understand. Sometimes they over express the "essence" of life... okay, they're talking incense and love-ins and we've always been more of the "I'll beat the crap out of you because you knocked into me and then gave me a look like it was my fault" kind of people. (Anger. Keeps you strong - and some times slightly psychotic) So I've learned that when I read things like that, he won't so I just break it all down for him. He thinks he can pull one over on me, but I can tell when he's interested or when he's just nodding and looking at the television out of the corner of his eye - and this time he was interested.

The article was in part about the author and in part about her friend, who at a late age in life asked for a divorce because it was just the right thing to do. Yes, that sounds awful - but it was just one of those things. Sometimes what needs to be done isn't the most pleasant sounding thing in life and sometimes it isn't about you or about me, for that matter. 

I despise when people ask me where I'll be in 10 years. Will I be married to my husband? Will I be published? Will I be standing naked on top of the Empire State Building quoting line from An Affair to Remember and King Kong?

I don't know.

I have always been the type of person who does know, who knows what the next 15 steps will be, but I don't want to any more. I think it takes so much away from everything in this world and I find when you spend all of your time life your life defensively you just end up missing out on life because you were so worried that things weren't going to go you're way you never had a chance to live the life that you had around you when it was there. 

Life is what happens when you're making other plans...

And like most, I have a tendency to forget the people around me and just see the world about me for me, me, me, me. Selfish, yes but human non the less. We all do it, just like we all pick our nose and we all - to some degree - still thinks the "he who smelt it, dealt it" rule doesn't apply to them.

Oh. It does. It really, really does.

In my massive search - my quest for my next step so that at some point I may (without total resentment) answer the "10 year" plan question (even though I still feel that I never will be able to) I read and look and search for things that carry a message that makes me feel not so unbalanced. And I found in the "when it's time, its just time" article in that yoga magazine.

Life isn't black and white so why do why try to make it be?

Yes, my past lives are all very different. If I wore them all out on my sleeves I fear I would like like a patchwork quilt, no, I know that I would. The woman who wrote the article said she had two lives in her life time - I feel like I'm on my 4th or 5th and I know there are more to come. The newer facets are scary but they glow brighter than the old ones, but most things new glow brighter - so that's just a fact and facts aren't scary, myths and shadows are... even to someone that surrounds herself in them.

Even to someone that never sleeps.

So this is one of my night pep talks to me and to you.

You are never too old or too young. Confidence is key and if you can see it you can accomplish it no mater how long it takes you to. 

In the 1,000 kids television shows and movies I watch now because of my boy I got this, "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift, thats why it's call the present."

and they say TV rots your brain! HA!

I'm going to go read a book, you have a good night.

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