Friday, July 31, 2009

I was looking for a swaddling blanket for my 32 year old and found out at that age they're called a "straitjacket"

Have you ever done the right thing but you still feel shitty for doing it in the first place?

I have to admit, I'm a fan of "blurring" these overly pretentious, per-chosen lines the general population feels the need to remind me of every time I don't "act normal" (whatever the hell that is) but still, some times it's not about lines - its just something that needs to happen because you need to make your life better.

We're down to two cats today. The oldest one moved out this afternoon. Hopped up on diazepam, I placed him inside a cardboard carrier and sent him off to live with a new family. I had no choice.

He hates my son and if he ever did anything to harm him I would have ended up hurting him, which I don't want, but still.

I tried to explain to my hubby that life would be a wonderfully different place if we only fell in love with things that were nice. It would be a much easier world, that's for damn sure.

He pretended to agree with me, but you see - the cat ALSO hated my husband for the last 5 years. So he was overly joyed to see him go.

Add to that, like a smart woman, I watched The Children of Huang Shi directly before the cats departure - if you're into historic films this was a good one - but I was already teary and when he finally departed... I'm not proud world. I cried. A lot.

But then the night progressed and my son pooped all over the whole wide world and it was hot and a tiff between me and the hubby ensued and I thought about tying him up and putting him in the garage for a bit. But realized he can easily over power me due to the 11 inch difference in hight and the fact I also weigh about 80 lbs less then him - so I decided to just to drop it.

Over all, the straitjacket started sounding like a good option. 

If only I would have saved some of that diazepam and put it in his sundae... 

Thursday, July 30, 2009

funky chicken

I'm doing the "funk" thing again, which is relatively annoying on all levels. I realize the cause of it at the moment, it's late, I'm hungry (but refuse to eat, because it's late), I've been sick on and off for two days (mostly do to really bad eating habits), and I'm sore from working out.

Actually the sore thing doesn't bother me in the least. I'm just that sadistic that after working out for a few days if I'm NOT in pain I'm pissed off. The issue right now is that I'm sore from my work out earlier this evening, which means tomorrow I'm going to be wrecked.

And I'm finally going to see the new Harry Potter movie. 
What?
I'm allowed. I'm a girl. Girls can go see those kind of movies and get away with it. It's some sort of biological law... I'd read it back to you but I lost the "Girls v. Boys Charter" so many years ago, now I just go on memory and generally I paraphrase the things I feel should be in place solely to obtain things I personally want.

Greedy.
Don't care!

But the funk is there.
I forgot to add "overwhelmed" to the list. I'm Overwhelmed. 

I've always wondered what it's like to be underwhelmed and then I remember all my ex-boyfriends....

My life has become insanely busy as of late and I'm not sure how to deal with it. Do I like it? Do I hate it? Personally I feel if I had a personal assistant to keep me in check then I wouldn't feel stressed at all, but lucky for me, I don't have one and then add to that my attention span... it's not long. Seriously... I get bored so damn easy.

I tried to use that fact about me to compliment my husband one night... oddly he didn't take it as a compliment.

"You should be flattered honey!"
"Why?"
"Well, seeing that I get bored so damn easily and we've been together for nearly 8 whole years, you must be special. Like special special, not short bus special..."
"Thanks?"

He's such a lucky man! 

I should just go to bed and start on tomorrow, but my nails are drying and the kids stirring, so if I go in now and turn on the monitor it'll wake up the husband...

MY LIFE IS LIKE LIVING IN A MINE FIELD! 
No really it's not, but I'm over dramatic and I had pizza for dinner - and not good pizza, cheap pizza, so it didn't get the job done.

I'm attempting to find a point right now, but I don't have one. So I'm going to go to bed. At least tomorrow is Friday, that's something! ...sure it is... 

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

A blog about how cool it is to be just as cool as you're told to be!


Every now and again I like to post different blogs that I've read that I think you should read.

I'll tell you right now, I know that my blog really isn't much of anything than a voyeuristic look inside my life and at times that life really isn't much more than.. well... dull boring life.

I don't write about things on here that are "news worthy" just poems and thoughts and mental break downs and whatever the hell else I feel like popping off about in the middle of the night.

There are many blogs that are lists or updated and then there is this one. The one I'm suggesting to you right now. It's about my local music scene (cleveland's punk/rock scene) and I have to say it's by far one of the funniest blogs I've read in a while.


I was "warned" not to post about this blog, seeing that the blogger states that he doesn't care if people read his blog. He knows he's funny and doesn't need other people to tell him he is. (if he didn't care if other people read his words he'd write a diary and tuck it under his mattress so no other living soul would  read them - put something on the internet its a cry for others to read your words. I include myself in that lot.)

With the vernacular of other great bloggers such as The Beezewax or What a Jerk, I think what I enjoyed most about Def Aliens was reading someone else's words about things that have annoyed me for years.

If you're from Cleveland - read it!
If you like making fun of people - read it!
If you're board - read it!

Promise to post some mid-life crisis moment later - but for now I have to pay the bills

enjoy your day!
-A

Friday, July 24, 2009

Furniture


Someone once told me that there were two types of people in this world - your friends and furniture. 

I never gave much thought to that comment until recently. After a long hard winter where I spent most of my time shoveling driveways and becoming a new mother I, like many,  had grown overly excited for long warm nights surrounded by friends and family and my new son.

As the days grew warmer and warmer and longer and longer and suddenly it was the end of July I found myself revisiting that comment - some people are like furniture. They're in your life but you just move them around, because technically they're not yours to give away.

I suppose part of me didn't like that comment for two reasons. Number one, it just comes off crass and slightly mean and number two, what if I was the furniture in some one's life? That's just a terrible thought...

But then I stopped.

All those months of waiting and waiting and waiting was about as climatic as losing your virginity. It really wasn't.

I have no idea when the change occurred. I have no idea when my wants and desires twisted so drastically that most people I see around me are there for the maybe one or two people I actually do care about. And most of all, I don't know when it became so unimportant to me if I was someone else furniture.

Statics have shown that 1 out of 4 people don't like you just "because" and I wasn't put here to please the general public, so why was I trying to?

I know it's been coming for a long while - but when I come here, when I write on here I tend to extract only the most pungent of emotions. In reality those emotions are so watered down the rest of the time that the pugnacity of their meaning is mostly lost in every day life. Life really is good at that, muddling and masking most everything until one day you stop and go, "Huh? OK... guess I'm here now."

Gandhi once said that to change the world you must change yourself. If you project, through yourself, what you want and expect the world to be it's much easier to have it happen. A.K.A. Actions speak louder than words.

Yes, I'm sad I don't see tons of people more often. In reality I really, truly and have always been a very social butterfly (if you will). But at the end of the day, the final gist of it all, is that who I'm representing at this part of my life is who I want to be in the long run. It's who I want to spend my precious and little spare time with.

Having a child and being encompassed in winter was life changing in so many ways. Concentrating on becoming a writer, a mother and a better wife... for the first time in my life, when I don't go out I never think - "God! Sure hope I won't miss anything!" because even if I do, it's unimportant.

Living a drama free life is wonderful
Learning that when you are the person that takes care of everything, no one is there to take care of you was hard lesson, but it was worth it for what I ended up with.

I still don't like to compare people to inanimate objects, but sadly at the end of the day - some people are just furniture, lucky for me I prefer a rather zen room, mostly bare save the few things that I truly and really love. Sometimes removing the things you no longer need is worth the two days of upheaval. 

Even if it is comparing a person to a chair. 

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

F.O.I.L. - First, Outter, Inner, Last... and I'm still lost


What happens when you decided to go on your blog and announce to the world that you're doing just fine? Well! You wake up at 4am and your mind begins to race, evil thoughts infiltrate as anxiety fills your chest forcing you to realize that you are now on the verge of a panic attack.

This is followed by images and scenarios you don't want filling your head as you feel the last breath in your throat escape through clenched teeth. The damp sheets suddenly seem to be pulling tighter and tighter around you until you are strapped to the bed, thwarting what little chance of escape you may have thought you had... 

Then the room grows hotter and hotter - the fans aren't working - and all you can think, all you can scream in your head is "SHUT UP YOU! SHUT UP!!" this is promptly followed by praying and begging that someone, anyone will stop it all for happening. Asking them to show you a sign, just take it all away, or at least give you the peace you need to finally fall back to sleep since you didn't fall asleep till nearly 2am in the first place.

Yes, that is what happens... In the end, I don't recommend commenting on your boundless amounts of happiness because it is just a window that you are opening, a seemingly harmless window that will lead you to the nether regions of hell where you will be spat in the face and laugh at as you wipe your eyes!

Yes. 
Yes.
Yes.

On an up note, I've been working on my creative writing a lot more lately - OH! And after having to have the 4 tires on my car replaced this evening (which wasn't planned at all...), I saw a beautiful rainbow and a deer!

Message received people and gods I was praying to in my bit of a tissy in the middle of the night! 

MESSAGE RECEIVED!

¿What was that message?

Take Advil PM before bed tomorrow.
...and I did...

(all joking aside - when you're as superstitious as I am... message received. In my next life I'm coming back as an atheists that always "thinks there's a logical reason for everything" but in the mean time... you guys need to loosen up... a little mystery is not a bad thing at all.)

good night!

Monday, July 20, 2009

Summer nights and a solar eclipse


This is my favorite time of day and my favorite time of year.

I love nothing more than sitting up around 1 am, in a t-shirt, with the window open or even outside. 71 degrees in the middle of the night, and most people are missing it to sleep. Lame.

I'm teasing, I'm a big fan of sleep - but last winter was just soo long I like to take in these minutes as much as I can.

During the day I have to work and tend to the family... and clean and clean and clean... 

I've been cleaning a lot lately. I think that cleaning is good for the soul. Until I met my husband I was very much a pack rat - I still won't throw away everything - waste not, want not! But I'm much better at realizing the things I can give away to people who need it more than me. 

It's just easier to function as a human being when you aren't being suffocated by piles of material items... does that make sense? Cluttered mind, cluttered heart... I don't want that, not with having this extra time. My son is now officially sleeping through the night, which is wonderful! It has opened the possibilities to us doing so many other things. Now I just need to finish cleaning and organizing and then I can DO those things! LOL!

I don't have any poems to post or even a short story... I'm also not feeling overly wise or so angry I need to vent. Something in me clicked on Saturday and it was nice and I feel normal, well, normal for me! LOL!

I have to get some work done and then go to sleep, but in case you don't know - on Wednesday there is a TOTAL ECIPSE OF THE SUN! July 22nd, 3 months before my 34th birthday... gulp...

but lets not think about that now... instead have have a good night and sweet dreams!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Avast matey! Grrr argg!


Sometime I wonder where this life of mine is taking me.
I wonder if this journey will lead me to the dreams I've always wanted
or will it end poorly...??

Then I think how much I just don't want to know.
Where's the fun in that?!
Knowing too much takes away all the fun... 

I tell my son whenever I take him out that we're going on an "adventure"
Hardware store
Grocery
Target
Every moment is an adventure

I also tell him to be brave

And then I feel foolish because I forget to do those things myself
Live my life likes its an adventure
and be brave when the moments are low...

Life is as simple as you let it be or as difficult as you allow it - but when there's is an adventure! Ahh! Then, my dear little friends, then it's always worth it!

Never forget to count the stars
Never forget to be brave
And never forget to forget all the bad stuff

all these ideas, just dancing in my head!
time to write
time to dream...

till the next adventure - sweet dreams

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Oh Tootsie! If only I could dress in drag to get a job...


Trying to find a job in this day and age is just impossible. I apply, and apply and apply - I suddenly know what Tammy Faye Baker's foundation must have felt like, tired and spread thin... (well, I'm assuming she layered)

I keep telling myself if I work at it, work on the writing, work on the blogs, the reviews, the stories, the never ending madness that has become my life I will at some point get to where I need to be.

Have you ever said the word purple over and over until you find yourself questioning what the hell a purple is... is it even a word?  

That's where I'm at.

Add to that my 9 month old is currently being "weaned" off his midnight feeding... a rather nice was to say at 1 am I get to listen to him cry and cry and cry until I feel so small it's unbelievable, and the cat that needs a home. The cat that no one wants...

So my stress levels are super duper high.

I come in and out of it all the time.
Happy Captain Bipolar's the name and slipping into crisis mode is my game!

I try to do odd jobs online but can't seem to find anything, getting out at night is just as hard - that's why the midnight feedings need to go... if he slept through the night... I could get a second job a night and not worry about my husband not getting any sleep.

Did you ever wonder how it all cumulated to this because I sure do...

So I'm off. I'm not going to find a job by sitting on here bubbling on about how frustrating it is to find a job in the first place now am I?

Didn't think so... 


Monday, July 13, 2009

crotch rockets, books and pushing on

my eyes are burning, my television is on
I should be doing one thousand other things
but instead I'm listening to the interstate

when summer hits, when the first nice days turn into nice nights they show up - the crotch rockets

everything on this planet has it's own voice, a sound that is distinct to its nature. even things that are made of metal - especially things that are made of metal

the crotch rocket is no different. the motor revs then it hums its high pitch sound...

I sat here so many nights with the windows closed tight and the interstate muffled by the snow
winter brings silence - isolation

I find I long for the sound of the interstate and I know I'll never be truly comfortable with only silence - the silence the country brings with it.

the city is inside of me, in my veins. the sounds. smells. the dirt.

I appreciate the country, the trees, fresh water - starry night skies

but still 
at one A.M.
I'd much rather hear the crotch rockets

I had a good weekend. It re energized me about writing and pushing forward to do what I need to do in order to reach the goals I have recently set for myself. I now sit here working on this little piece for this moment, because in just one more I need to write for an hour so I can go to bed. Tomorrow, who knows...
I should make a list of things I need to accomplish to keep moving:
  • water the garden
  • water the house plants
  • clean/re-organize the office
  • clean/re-organize the attic
  • finish work project
  • finish typing for the husbands mom
  • finish chapter 3
  • outline comic idea
  • outline script idea
  • watch Warehouse 13 and do review
And that's just for tomorrow... OH! I also have two websites to start... 
I always tell my husband we should hire a maid and a nanny - personally I'd just like to be independently wealthy so I can hire Lloyd from Entourage. In my opinion he's the best personal assistant ever.

And he's cute. I want to smush him. Yes, I want to smush the gay asian man from Entourage.

But sadly here is the reality of tomorrow.
  • wake up 
  • workout
  • check email
  • retrieve child from parents
  • feed child chicken (oh, my kids is not a vegetarian. suddenly I wonder how much longer I'll be a vegetarian. not being a copout - its hard when you're the one cooking the food.)
  • work - for the job that pays the bills
  • clean
  • play with the child
  • attempt to clean some more
  • play with husband
  • watch assigned shows for blog
  • write blog
For now I'm going to go to sleep.
No I'm not.
For now I'm going to work on something I want to work on THEN I'll go to sleep.
After the snoring stops.

And before I go - here are my 15 books:

Women - Charles Bukowski
Love is a Dog From Hell - Charles Bukowski
The Count of Monte Cristo - Alexander Dumas
Ender's Game - Orson Scott Card
Siddhartha - Herman Hess
The Secret Life of Bees - Sue Monk Kidd
The Divine Comedy - Dante Alighieri
Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
the plays of Anton Checkhov
Wide Sargasso Sea - Jean Rhys
The Shadow Wife - Dorothy Eden

This is me adding a few more - 

Madam Bovary by Gustav Flaubert
I am Legend by Richard Matheson (this book should have never been made into a movie)

There are so many books I love that have had an impact on me I could do this all night...

Good night!


Thursday, July 9, 2009

Mind Set



I came undone
I didn't even know it
too busy looking
the other way
trying to find
something
anything
that never meant anything
it never could

the days have turned to weeks
the years are building
everything moving forward
even when I want it to stop
If I fight it 
for a moment
it's just better than nothing

see
most things I don't fight
for or against
most things I just don't care
enough about

but now

it feels so nice
my heart all warm
my mind at ease
I was drowning 
then gasping 
and now I smile
softly

just know
If you ever stop looking
when it doesn't feel right
that feeling in your gut
keeping you awake 

let it go
it's not worth it

I came undone
I didn't even know it
but I was bless
even just for a moment
I'll take that moment
I'll take me

black and white and in color
and luckily out of my mind

the best things in the world
are the little ones
that make you
change your view

breathe
turn
mindset

Monday, July 6, 2009

My blogging life!


The down side of having a blog is also the upside of having one... it's the whole "half full, half empty" thing - I can come onto here and look at the list of blogs I've posted and see my life - ALL OF IT - for the last 6 months, just laid out in front of me.

This is what I like to call, "My Blogging Life!!" and yes, at times I switch out the world BLOG for another much more colorful swear word that would fit famously in the same spot.

Almost a month back I decided to do a print preview on here. Curious, I wanted to know just how much I had compiled since January 13th.  I came up with 179 pages.

A novel. 
Siddhartha is only 160 pages long.
Shopgirl is only 144...

At 179 pages I have pretty much ran the gambit of life. Every emotion, well the ones I care about, laid out here before you. I hope I haven't fallen too low or grown too annoying, but then again I suppose if I have, you probably are not reading this right now are you? HA!

Anyhow...

I'm part of a writing group that meets once a month and this month will mark the second consecutive month I can not make it. 

It's rather hard to get the support you need when you're not there...

So my cousin and I are planning on starting another group that would meet bi-monthly. I want to integrate it online too - that way you can still seek the support you need, even if you need that support at 2am. Or if you can't go because you're on a plane or going to your niece's 4th birthday party!
If this is some thing you would be interested in participating shoot me an email. (if that link doesn't work just head over to my profile and you can email me from there. I get a lot of spam so please put "RE: Writer's Group" in the subject line, thanks!)

The super scary world of being a writer can wear on anyone - even when it's only a blog that you're maintaining. I find I flitter and float all over the map as I give myself pep talks about how I have to keep going. I find 100 new ideas to have daily and then I puss out, because I'm good at that.

I do have a supportive husband and friends - but being a firm believer of the saying, "actions speak louder than words" the fact that most of the people who read this blog on a regular basis I have never met, or haven't seen in a better party of a decade, makes it hard at times.

And the neurotic side of me kicks the hell in and the speculations of why this and why that over flow... 

I speak of this blog from time to time to my husband. He had no idea I wrote it. He tells me that each and every time I bring it up. "What about your TV blog?"
"I write that one too, but I maintain my personal blog a bit more..."
"You have a personal blog?"

EVERY TIME! To the point it's just become a joke to me.

But like everything else in My BLOGGING Life - the up side is the freedom I feel, the freedom I elude myself into believing I have by assuming everything I stated above.

179 pages, now it's more like 200 I'm sure.
The epic novel of my impromput life - et tu Brute? Yes, yes... et tu...
Maybe with a little more support and my copy of Writer's Market I can get past all that, and help you get past it too!

I need to sleep.
Have a good night...
-A

Saturday, July 4, 2009

A Letter to No One:

Dear No One,

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!! I know! How times flies by so quickly... one moment we're bitching about being snowed in and then next some jackass is blowing off fire crackers in front of my house because they're being "festive" and enjoying the holiday!

Yes, world, 233 years ago a bunch of white men dressed in extremely warm wool outfits sat down in a courthouse in Philadelphia PA and signed the Declaration of Independence! ENGLAND BE DAMNED! We would no longer be King George II's bitch! U.S.A.!

Our fore fathers wrote a decree that told the world we would no longer listen to fat George and/or deal with his faulty eye sight! WE WOULD BE FREE!

~sigh~ 

Oh, No One... doesn't it just make your heart skip a beat? Doesn't it make you want to stop for a second and think about all the people who died to get us to where we are? Oh... that's right! You're too busy firing off bottle rockets in front of my house!

No One, do you even UNDERSTAND the meaning of the fire cracker  in relationship to our Independence Day? I'm going think your coors light toting ass doesn't. I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume you're too drunk and too busy listening to the newest rendition of "Proud to be an American" to understand that the dime store gun powder stick you bought off your cousin Carl, because he lives in Kentucky and got you a "deal" that you think its just something "fun" to do and that you don't realize that they were meant to represent and reminds us, always, of the cannons the English were firing at us on this very day 233 years ago. 

I know, No One, I expect a lot of you, but that's just me. I have lofty ideas and goals! For I am a fool who believes that when you live on a street FILLED with small children, making loud noises at 11pm at night MAY piss someone off - and not just me, that guy who's yelling at you right now too!

So have a happy 4th No One and know, one day you'll be on the flip side of this coin. Yes, it's called karma. What goes around comes around, trust me, I know! But until then... try not to lean over the rocket so much. You may annoy me but the hospital is probably filled with the rest of your kind.

Now, go pass out like a good boy!

Sincerely yours, 
-A

Friday, July 3, 2009

compliance


standing softly
quietly
alone in a world of nothing
listening to explosions
that aren't even there
the street lights taunt me
and the cars whiz by
and I wait
for time to pass
faster than it can
but slow enough that I don't miss it

I want parts to be like 
video games
I can pick and choose
instead of being compliant

capricious till the end

I learn 
I grown
subsequent
orderly
vividly wishing for a do over

compliance

like a shape in my peripheral
that's never truly there
just an image 
when look at directly
never existed at all
little tiny floaters in my eyes
fragmenting imagery 
staccato 
pixilated nothings
making me wish my eyes worked
happily accepting 
they don't
faded on
into a void
until there is nothing left
to conceive

fanciful envisage

cavalier 
arrogant
willing to bemuse 
glamor yourself
until
askew view

ahh...

standing softly
quietly
alone in a world of nothing
listening
and listening
and listening

until I've gone deaf
from the silence

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Fantasy Football


Some how I've ended up playing fantasy football.
What does that mean? Well, seeing that what I know about football is tied solely to the Browns ("AW! He dropped the effin ball AGAIN!") it means I need help...

HELP ME!

So this is me begging you... you know who you are.

HELP ME!

I'll bake you brownies!

:)