Monday, August 31, 2009

Rhythm and Routine vs Comfort and Death - Sure sounds over dramatic! Probably because it is... Day 23


One of the first things that was suggested to us, my husband and I, as new parents was to get our son used to a routine.

It is key.

Once the routine is in place, it does wonders. Your kid will start sleeping through the night, etc.

I also read an article about how to cure insomnia, what a wonderful idea, and it said the same thing - once you have a routine, once you present a rhythm to your life, life is just easier. 

This is all true.
If there is one thing to be learned by all the books I'm reading and all the things I've learned in class, the best way to achieve your goals is slow and steady and with a nice calm rhythm.

But don't be fool.
Sometimes we mistake rhythm and routine for comfort and repetition.

How can you tell the difference? 
Rhythm and routine should help you grow
Repetition is the same thing over and over and over again... like, dating the same type of person that treats your poorly, or eating at BK every Friday even though you fully understand that those "angry" whoppers are the direct cause for that belly you hate.

Rhythm and routine doesn't mean easy.
It doesn't mean "comfortable" and it doesn't mean you're just wasting away - it means you found a beat to live to - you know and understand that if you watch television till 1 AM its going to take you another whole hour to unwind from all the fast images that were pumped into your brain so you can sleep well. Finding that will help you do other things on a better and more productive level because your life won't be so chaotic.

Television, distractions that are loud and vivid just pull you away from the other things you keep telling yourself in the back of your head that you're going to do. 
Be it paint the garage or write that book - you find yourself falling into the "let's eat dinner and sit on the couch" moment, night after night after night - and then the book isn't written and the garage isn't painted and you're not happy because you let yourself down and for what?

Trust me, I watch TV, there really isn't that much that is good on.
Get a DVR or Tivo and then record the shows you want to see - and set aside a day to watch them. Perhaps Sunday, or maybe even Monday night - doing nothing after getting back to work, sometimes, is a wonderful thing.

But it's not easy
It's not easy to break bad habits
Even though you hear that stupid voice in the back of your head going, "What are you doing? You know this isn't what you want to be doing... why are you doing this?"
I know that voice too well
I think we dated once... I'm sure it ended poorly...

The same thing goes for relationships - and I mean all types.
We get into these holding patterns where we decided to give our precious time to people who don't deserve us.

There are so many reason
There are so many excuses
From the bold to the uber lame

We, humankind, stay in negative relationships that do nothing but hurt us and for what? What is the reason?

Yes, quitters never win, but are you really a quitter when it's for the best? Being verbally beaten down is even worse than physical abuse (but physical abuse normally carries the two combined) 

I'd rater have someone knock my teeth out than screw with my head. 

After a while of hearing all of your faults listed to you over and over and over again and then having it all rolled up into, "but at least you have me..." will do nothing but make you question yourself, over and over and over and over - until you finally come to this:

You can't always save the other person.
Sometimes you have no choice but to save yourself.

People, females in particular, feel the need to "save" people, especially men. (at least in the realm of dating) and honestly, is it worth it?

Some people just suck
They suck the life out of you
Your will to move forward 
They damper the fight in your soul

And we take it
Because we don't want to "fail"

In general I think that life is practice.
Each level we are practicing for the next, and the next and the next
If you're lucky you will be strong enough and smart enough and brave enough to take the good things, leave the bad thing and break from the negative people and the mundane routines that do nothing other than make us fat and miserable.  

Life can be simple
But it's not always easy
If it was easy, everyone would be happy 
Thomas More would have been our king
And we would live in Utopia

When you get stuck in a holding pattern you have to realize that at some point you're going to crash, because at the end of the day we only have so much fuel - and if you run out... then what?


I was put in a situation the other night, a situation that 6 months ago would have ended in me (probably) crying myself to sleep. This time I looked at it, shrugged my shoulders and moved on. I even stopped for a moment and questioned why I wasn't broken up and then it hit me - it's all working.

23 days in and I can feel my resolve growing 
I like my choice
Others may not, but I do
I have to admit, I'm still slightly fearful of what the final out come will be, but at the same time I'm excited

I have this image of me in my head, it's an image I carried around for many, many years - the person I so desperately wanted to be and I can finally smell her perfume... it's sweet. I can't wait to meet her, read her books, talk to her - 

And I can't wait till I stop referring to her as if she is not me - because then it won't feel this silly  

;)

Please don't mistake comfort with love
Don't be afraid to fail
Understand that love, no matter how great will hurt really, really bad from time to time. Because being that honest leaves you naked
Know that there is more out there, you're not alone - 2.5 BILLION people, you're never alone - even when you can't see a soul for miles...

Sometimes the hard thing is the right thing
And the easy thing will kill you

Trust me, at the end of the day if it all was easy, everyone would be doing it
And why the hell would you want to be like everyone?


Sunday, August 30, 2009

The score: Today - 1, Me - 0


The day started off relatively fine.
At 6:30 I was woken by a sound that can only be compared to an old western. You know that scene, in the jail, the dirty cowboy starts running his empty tin cup against the bars to catch his jailers attention?
Same type of sound, the only major differences:
Dirty Cowboy - Dirty child
Tin Cup - empty bottle
Jail bars - crib

Mostly this makes me laugh, because it makes him laugh.

It really wasn't a bad start.
We ate some breakfast, watched some stuff, read a bit and then he went to take his morning nap around 10 - just as his daddy woke up. 

I don't know when it took a turn
I thought the sneezing was due to the cat hair
It never occurred to me that he could have a cold

snot everywhere

There were moments, but pushed through
That is until about 20 to 10 - when he woke up screaming, and then wouldn't go back to sleep...
Is it wrong for a kid to watch the HBO Sunday line-up?

...probably...

He's asleep now and I'm tired

Today was August 30th
And it started strong
Studying
Practicing
Some roller coaster issues with my emotion and the fact it's been pointed out to me that I talk about yoga too much [insert annoyance here - theirs. I'm fine.]
But over all, it was fine

Worked out a few short story ideas on top of all that and I worked on this, well, I did in my head - so this isn't what I intended on talking about.

I vaguely remember it being much more profound
sadly now I only feel profane

such is life...
such is life...


Saturday, August 29, 2009

21 - it's not 13 and it's not 7, but I still like it...


I decided to watch this movie tonight called "Lust, Caution"
I'm a fan of WWII films, especially ones from outside the states.

Perspective is a good thing

When you lock yourself into one side of the spectrum, you miss all the other pretty colors...

Ang Lee directed the film.
You may know him from Crouching Tiger or Brokeback Mountain

As for historical films revolving around a female character fighting for her "cause" I now have a top three - they are as follows:

"Lust, Caution"
"Black Book"
"Charlotte Gray"

Chinese
Dutch
British (american)

... (no comparing to my life) ...

I was reading about yoga
Personal stories that are there to help the transitional persons, as myself, make that transition onto the next level.
These stories boast lives that I know and help to gently show the path to the next level - the level of becoming a yogi.

And I love it

I look back at my life and I see certain things that I love
For a long time is was objects
I would do the, "it reminds me of so-n-so" crap
screw objects
they are just one more thing I have to clean

Everyone likes to say that life is like an onion
oh, I'm sorry
PEOPLE are like onions.  The creator of that saying meant "layered" but I still think that people are stinky... :)

Life is, in fact, layered
But still, there is that certain simplicity that is just... beautiful.

I can't say that "right and wrong" are "black and white"
all I can say is that sometimes when you make decisions you need to just follow your gut
that's why you have it
we over think too much
just like we over buy too much

objects can't make you happy

some say it's impetuous

I think it's solid resolve to just follow your gut and trust the fact that, yes, you may be wrong from time to time, but in the end - you're probably right.

Everyone screws up
Wouldn't you want forgiveness?

(now I'm sounding like I did something wrong...? no, but I made banana bread muffins!)

To sum of the movie it's about a young woman who decided to help the resistance take down a traitor Chinese man who is working with the Japanese in Japanese occupied China.

I watch these movies and think thing like, 
How can you sleep with a man for a year and then be expected to kill him?
-or-
I hope all those men out there understand what we, women, are willing to sacrifice in order to protect our beliefs, because when we enter the line of duty... no, we're not "fragile" but still - bad stuff, different stuff 

and then I think about just how damn lucky we are, in this country, to not know that kind of fate...

Today I learned that even when it's bad, there is that bit of good that we can take to move on, to move forward.

And now I'm going to go sit on my porch, before I've run out of days to do so... September is nearly here, summer is nearly over... and that makes me soooo sad... 


Friday, August 28, 2009

just in the nick of time - BOOBS!


I find myself standing in front of the mirror
I think I'm getting a sty
Who wants a sty?
I know I don't
I stare at my eye for a moment
It hurts when I blink
The edge is puffy
And I have a wedding to go to in a week
Outside of my weird dye job
Terrible tan lines
And bruised flesh
I can now add "sty" to the list
Sighing for a moment I remind myself
Who cares?
In ten years what people are going to remember about that wedding will not be me
And I don't mean that in an "I'm forgettable" sort of way
I mean it in a "it's not my wedding, I'm just a guest" sort of way
But the vain side of me seems to be crying for attention tonight
Probably because I decided laying low until next week is the way to go
And now my subconscious can't seem to handle it
I figure the emotion is like my chocolate/sweet craving
Wait 1o minutes
It'll pass
But, under all of that, I have to ask myself why I'm picking on myself
It started the other day
I started on myself about my body
My body that I liked just a week before
Now suddenly I'm not content
When it comes down to it all I can say is I'm lame.

No seriously, I'm waiting for Rancher Dan to notice my gimpy leg and take me out back with a 9 gauge because I'm THAT LAME.
I'm an advocate of women feeling sexy about themselves
I feel it's important all around
But...
O.K... stupid honesty
My birthday is coming up
34 is looking at me
And suddenly I'm not 24... physically
So!
PICK! PICK! PICK!

This is me telling myself to suck it.
Moving forward...

I made the decision not to overtly discuss new ideas in my life
Well...
That really doesn't count on here
This is my open forum for saying it all and then going to bed
Me likey... 
But then again, I'm banking that only 5% of you know me for real
And out of that 5% only .2% has seen me in years
So, in my illogical head
It makes sense

Yes
I should talk about things with my friends
But I don't feel like hearing the "did you find god?" comments
or the "Are you a tree hugger now?"
Yes
Lucky for me the place I do yoga at most weeks 
Is next to Daystar
I can buy my tie dye
Buy some "tobacco" smoking "devices"
And find a higher plane that I've been told I can never truly understand until I experience "tobacco" in my new "device"

how I jest... 

I find myself balancing out a bit
The uttermost sense of infernal euphoric bliss is calming into a usable state
That is a good thing

I've working out a group of people I can talk to about my "needs" in this area
Thus allowing me to separate the lives - for now

But still
I'm standing there
Thinking about the sty 
The wedding
The bruises, tan lines and hair
Wondering why women think dropping large quantities of weight, fast, is a good thing
Because it's not (and that added to gravity not being a friend...)
Considering ways to up the ante on my uber need to be so overly self absorbed
And then flittering and floating back to the fact that I know I'm acting like a 15 year old school girl for not reason other than to make myself feel better

Yes
Lame

This would be the moment I turned to my friend LaBatt... 

The further I press on into this venture I'm calling my "year of transition" into my new life
The better I like myself (mostly)
I've had some good moments of clarity (it's not that I hated the old me, it's that I like the new me better)
I've had some bad moments where wounds I had forgotten about were re-opened - but I like to think that this time the healing process will work out right

So, outside of my insistent need to point out that something aren't stacking up how I'd like them too, I can stop - as I laugh at myself - and realize that I have new things in my heart that I've learned
New sayings I chant to myself when I get mad 
And a slightly new disposition that is helping me become more excited about my future

And I have beer

Yummy, delicious beer
 
So I'll leave you with this - 
For all you women out there - know this, you are, in fact, beautiful. Embrace that.

For everyone out there - realize that what people say when you're not around isn't anything to concern yourself with, because it's got nothing to do with you.

For all you men - you're beautiful too. And while you won't admit you need to hear that from time to time, us women see you like that.

And for everyone - sometimes when you're talking, it's okay to actually say something -
Life can't always be silly rhetoric 

now... I have to go finish my beer and relax...

good night

Thursday, August 27, 2009

lists
























realizing that there's so much more to come

reading the inside of the wrappers from Dove chocolate

accepting who you are for yourself

understanding that you can let someone in your heart, but leave them out of your life

knowing that you'll be there for the ones you love, even if they're not

waiting for the right moment

that first day when it smells of fall

rustling leaves and crickets

small grumping noises from down the hall

dark chocolate brownies covered in pumpkin spice white chocolate

feel good moments you share with no one

find the mama (a.k.a. hide and go seek)

snoring

the ability to see past your ego

the willingness to be okay with it

that second when it clicks

and the freedom that follows

doing the hard things even when you don't want to

pearl's vegetable pad-thai, extra peanuts and lime

attempting to read your tea leaves - even when you don't know how

good humor

good beer

good poetry

no, great poetry

knowing that not being there doesn't mean you're missing something

hearing all the stories of how much fun they had

breathing

homemade tomato sauce from homegrown tomatoes

food

FOOD

the perfect dress

getting over yourself

crying in your wheaties

chocolate (the movie)

pressing your nose to your knee

Goonies

perfectly roasted marshmallows

twilight in the wilderness - by Fredrick Church

Glenn Miller Band - Moonlight Serenade

1970 Chevelle SS

potpie

letting them talk

knowing what is said when you're not there isn't your business

1940's

Gilda

bath time

napping in the doorway 

wind chimes

being silly

spontaneous

excitable

living life

and saying thank you.



thank you!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

once more to the lake








dancing around in nothing but a smile

the wind whipped against me

the climb is too high

at times it’s too low

but I move on

letting the world

see the nothing

that seems to best me

each and

every time

what will it be like

at the end

a smile

a rainbow

a scented breeze

pulling me back to something less

complex

or maybe pulling me

back

to something more

sinister

in the end

its just checkered flags

and racing stripes

but the smile

is all

I intend to 

need

Day 18...



for all that I never know
I am thankful
because knowing too much
can ruin everything

I had weird dreams this afternoon when I napped.
It's weird.
Last night I slept very soundly
Last night I meditated before I went to bed 
Death Meditation
It was the best sleep I've had in ages
No
You're not supposed to meditate yourself to sleep
But sometimes I have to
I have for years

The first time I heard about meditation was, maybe, in high school
I know I didn't have my drivers license
I was in the backseat of my parents car
(loved that car)
It was something on the radio
Some man talking about meditation
sitting in a chair 
breathing
imagining a weight starting on the head
moving down the body with each breath
each breath in was "good"
each breath out was "bad"

The death meditation you lay down
Let the gravity of the earth pull you into the ground
heavy
listening to your breath
feeling it move throughout you
through your body
concentrating on it
while you lie there 
and imagine yourself dead

I know how it sounds
but it's not a negative thing

Everyone knows they are going to die
Its the one thing you can't ever avoid
So you may accept it
I thought I had until I did the meditation

The first time I began to cry

vain till the end :)

You lie there
the weight of gravity pulling you backwards
pressing into you
and you imaging yourself dead
lying in the ground
surrounded by dirt

Then you move forward
body bloated and falling apart

And forward still until you are just bones

One day we will all be a pile of bones
Or a pocket of dust

You can't cheat death
And why would you want to?

The only way to ever really achieve true immortality
is in the memory of the people who loved us
in the stories we leave behind

And when you know that one day
tomorrow will never come
it helps you to appreciate today a bit more

To remind you to tell those people you love that you love them
To remember that it's never to late to save a friendship
To help you revitalize the ones you have

Suddenly when there is no tomorrow
Today looks much different

But as I started out
I still say thank you for all the things I don't know
Sometimes 
It's the greatest gift of all

Sometimes
Knowledge is a curse

But in the end it doesn't matter how much you figure out
We all still have good days and bad days

Then then we have days where we slept so well we ended up napping...
It will never make any sense to me how the more sleep I get 
the more tired I am...


Tuesday, August 25, 2009

17 - Asanas


I heard this great quote tonight,
"Death steals everything but our stories."  - Jim Harrison

That has nothing to do with anything, but when I heard it the words struck me so I thought I should share. I never even wondered who wrote "Legends of the Fall" but now I'm overly curious to read his works.

But who has the time? (or the money for that matter)

The list of books I have that I want to read runs longer than the Mississippi. Each time I take one off 5 or 6 jump in that one single books place and there I am, again, lost in a sea or an abyss of goals that I'd like to obtain but feel like I can't due to the size of it all.

In lies patience.

Something I've been accused, many a time, of not having.

Most days I feel, when the spiteful accusing words pop up, to point out the mammoth number of "virtues" that are out there and rationalize that if I am only messing one up, I must be doing pretty okay - but then I realized - the only person I'm attempting to convince is myself. 

Honestly, I'm not nearly as impatient as most people perceive. 

I tend to feel that people toss out the blame of impatient just like the accusation of "selfish" - its something people say when they are the ones not getting their own way.

Someone is impatient because they don't want to work on my schedule
~a.k.a.~
Someone is selfish, when the reality is the person yelling is  the one that isn't getting their way. 

The two seem to go hand in hand, at least for me.

But at the end of the day, I'm not that overly impatient, and when I am - I look at it and realize that I've been attempting to find a way to slow down that will help me and not hinder me.

Being able to shut all of that off is a wonderful thing. Patience is a wonderful thing.

I'm not that good at it yet. I slept very little due to that last night. I tried to calm my brain and to let things go - but somethings just kept creeping up on me and making me not be able to concentrate.

What I think is even worse is that right now I can't even remember what those things where. Something so overly important that I couldn't fall asleep until well after 3 AM, but not important enough to remember 24 hours later are things that don't deserve to be in my brain at all.

Each day I try more.
Each day I move forward, even if its only a 1/2 of millimeter.
But that is better than nothing.

I think that patience is one of those things that comes with experience, with age and with wisdom. The older you get the more you realize that the sayings are all true.
"If you love something set it free..." Those types of sayings. 

"Patience is bitter, but it's fruit is sweet" - Jean Jacques Rousseau
"Adopt the pace of nature. Her secret is patience" - Ralph Waldo Emerson 
"Genius is eternal patience" - Michelangelo

And I'm sure there are 1,000+ more on the topic. It's one of those, many, things you have to learn on your own time and in your own way.

Yes, it really is a virtue.
But I think there are many virtues that we over look.
And then again, the list is so long I think that it's impossible to be the impervious to fault and failure. Having a sense of them all is one thing but assuming you will be able to conquer all of them in a short amount of time is most unlikely. 

That isn't a challenge. Just the fact that we are all human and allowed to fail.
How else will we grown?

In the end it always comes down to one thing: balance.

Balance is the key.

Out of everything in this world and everything in my life, when I have balance I am happiest. Being angry, holding onto the past, not forgiving people for something they did too many years ago to count... 

I have hopes and dreams for my futures, but the futures isn't certain - not all of it. So I will. I'll be patient and hope for the best. Try to see myself reaching my goals and then realize...

...realize I'm so tired that the screen is blurry because my eyes no longer want to focus ;)

I'm going to leave you with more from Jim Harrison. It's called Barking:

The moon comes up.
The moon goes down.
This is to inform you
that I didn’t die young.
Age swept past me
but I caught up.
Spring has begun here and each day
brings new birds up from Mexico.
Yesterday I got a call from the outside
world but I said no in thunder.
I was a dog on a short chain
and now there’s no chain.

*********************************************************************
Day 17:

tonight I found a new poet to fall in love with
my son fell asleep in my arms
I learned that asanas means "yoga"
and the scriptures written about asanas were written over 1700 years ago
I found that I have patience for all of my friends
even the ones I rarely see
even the ones that may not see me as their friends
I have patience for a lot of things 
even if it is hidden by a well constructed wall I use to obstruct your view of me
Tonight I learned that the husband loves smalls towns
as much as I do
even thought we both thrive on the chaos of the city
I learned that Fage greek yogurt can be even more delicious than sour cream
when prepared correctly
That I have more insecurities about my body than I care to admit
that my new schedule of working out 
may be taking away something I concentrate too much on
Forcing me to redefine myself
by something other than my body
Tonight I learned that Montana can be even more intriguing than
Malaysia
More exhilarating than
Tokyo
and just as enriching as 
Rome
I was reminded that my need to judge is wasteful
And I suddenly missed my love of reading poetry
by Charles Bukowski

I hope all is well
good night

Monday, August 24, 2009

Expectations of grandeur... (16)


Gandhi once said to "be the change you wish to see in the world."
I like to slap that next to the gold old fashion, Catholic, "Golden Rule." (Which is not to be confused with a golden shower - which Catholicism can feel like at times...)
"Do to others what you would like to be done to you" - that's from the parable of the Good Samartian. 

Like I said before, life is relatively simple. It may not feel that way at times, but over all, if you keep your nose clean it's not a hard thing to do.

I know what you're thinking, "But where's the fun at?" 

I was a party girl for a long time. And I don't mean in the "college" sorority v fraternity crap. I mean I was the one that yelled at 2:30 - "You guys should come back to our place!" As I was standing on a bar, with a beer in my hand. And they mostly did.

But, it was what I wanted.

I can sit down an look back and normally find the moment when I committed to something. Doesn't matter if that "thing" was a good thing or a bad thing - it was just something

A drunk
A musician
A yoga instructor

If I want things and I want them badly enough, I will commit to it and I will get what I want. 
That's just me.
That's why when people ask me if I always get what I want, I say yes. Because I'm willing to do the work to achieve those goals, even if those goals are being a drunk.

I never really had a lot of expectations in life. Yes, if someone asks me - "what did you want to be when you grew up" - it normally tell them "super spy." But in reality I don't know. 

I don't remember.

I remember wanting to be a grown up. 
I craved responsibility. 
I wanted the freedom that came with that, even though every adult would tell me I was freer as a child - I didn't believe them and I wanted it.

I'm all grown up now and I still don't agree with them.

Not having a mortgage doesn't mean you have freedom. Just like having one doesn't mean you are limited to a certain life.

Being able to make choices for yourself, regardless of them being good or bad, is freedom. When you're a kid you don't have freedom, because at the end of the day, "If you live under my roof..." <- you get the picture.

When I started reading about the "flow" of things, just letting things come at you, not attacking the future or clinging to the past - I started thinking of my childhood - because, like I said, I never thought like that back then. I knew I wanted freedom, but I never had a "life plan." 

The only thing I really did want to be was like Michelangelo the one and only "Renaissance Man." He fascinated the hell out of me. He knew about everything thing - which made me want to know about everything

(...and he could write backwards. Which I can do, I practiced and practiced. I can also write and read upside down - but that was more to the spy thing.)

But I do. I know a little about a lot of things and nothing great about one thing in particular.

I don't know what I expected to do with all of that. Little bits and pieces here and there, they add up, but to what?

Like I said, I never really had any great expectations of what I wanted in life.
I just wanted to be happy.

I never expected to be married at all - let alone twice.
I never expected to have kids - or how hard it would be to get to have the one. 
The only one, the love of my life.

Like everything in the world, life ebbs and flows. I can look back and find you the most overly positive reinforced moments in my life that I have carried with me over all the years and then I can tell you the most horrific tales... 

Everyone has a story.

Most days I think that mine is overly basic and bland until I talk to people and realize that my tendency to be slightly insane has left me with some good ones.

I was thinking about this the other day.
We went for a walk and I was thinking about my boy growing up, telling him stories about "when I was your age." Thinking about the stories my dad told us.

Then I had this little epiphany. 

Did you ever notice that everybody's stories just kind of stop after a certain point of their lives?
Think about it. Think about all those great stories you heard from your family/friends over the years - they're always about a specific point of their life.

Why does it feel like when we (universal we) get to certain point of our lives we cling so desperately to the past?

Like I said last night, we all have a nemesis - but it shouldn't be you.
When you cling to the past like that, you make it you. You get in your own way to make new stories to tell everyone about. You live on fear.

I live on fear.

I let things scare the shit out of me and then, BLAMO, I run away.

My newest moment of total and complete fear -  yoga teacher training.
Why?
It's 3 grand.
I don't have 3 grand.

So how am I going to do this?
I'm just going to do it.

I'm going to sign up for the classes, and pay what I can when I can, and pray they don't boot me from the class.

Easy, but scary life.
In January I'm out of a job.
The last few months of this year I'm using our extra funds to go to school.
Going to school will limit me getting a part time job.

See - it's easy to get scared.

This is how I look at it.

8 years ago my husband moved in with me.
Our rent was like $525 a month and we couldn't afford to go to $4 movie night. (At least this is what we told ourselves) We had two car payments which totaled nearly $600 a month on top of the rent and together we brought in, maybe, 2 grand a month... 

Yes, now we have a kid
Yes, its much easier to move up, then back in the world of money
But we did it then

Maybe it's the best thing ever, because I find (in my life) that money tends to muck things up. The more I have the more I want stupid things I don't really need. Little shiny objects that make me feel good until the next shiny object comes along and distracts me from what I should be really working on - myself.

I can't have any expectations of this upcoming future because if I do... well, let's just say planning this part out may not be in my best interest.

Yes, I feel that visualization is very important.

If you say you can't do something, you won't be able to, but if you tell yourself you can - if you imagine yourself reaching that final objective, it's much easier to get there. So instead of looking so far down the road, or looking at the bad things that could happen along the way - I'm just going to think about that moment when I get certified and I can be a teacher full time.

I'm just going to do it.

3 grand is a lot of money

And there are a lot of negative things that I could look at and think of that would hinder me from doing this - but then what?

Maybe a few years of "hard" times because of money will lead me to having lot of great years? There is only one way to find out, right?

I'm sure you'll hear about it... well, unless they turn of my internet! HA!

Like I said, everyone has a story...
What's yours?

Fantasy Football - part duce

For all of you out there that help me out - we did our draft yesterday and this is who I ended up with:

Jay Cutler (Q.B.)
Ben Roethlisberger (Q.B.)
Brandon Jacobs (R.B.)
Ronnie Brown (R.B.)
Ryan Grant (R.B.)
Jamal Lewis (R.B.)
LeSean McCoy (R.B.)
Justin Fargas (R.B.)
Larry Fitzgerald (W.R.)
Dwayne Bowe (W.R.)
Antonio Bryant (W.R.)
Domenik Hixon (W.R.)
Anthony Fasano (T.E.)
Kevin Boss (T.E.)
Nate Keading (K)
N.E. Patriots (D.F.)

Thanks to everyone who helped me! 
And yes Beeze - I bought a magazine :)

I'll keep you updated on this debauchery!

Sunday, August 23, 2009

pretty, pretty words - day fifteen







Stop lights

Moon light

The air too think to breath

Sultry sounds

Fill my ears

Nothing left to see

The world brought up

On good intentions

Died before it could walk

And I went back

Retracing my steps

And still I found

Myself

Lost

Airplanes flying overhead

Cicada on the trees

Cars rip up and down my street

Another day

To stop

 

So I did

 

Stopped myself

Brought it in

Smiled without a word

Until the next time

And then the next

Boarding up

I’m done

 

Tortured myself

One too many times

I’m like a sick

Fuck

 

We may all have a nemesis

But it shouldn’t be yourself

Saturday, August 22, 2009

14 - Juxtaposition


I've always been in love with words.
There is something about the texture of them.
I like to compare them to a good glass of wine or a warm brandy, how they roll around inside your mouth as you speak them.
I've made lists of them
Lists of words I like
  • solace
  • ungulate
  • juxtaposition
I remember having a conversation about music many years ago, the person asked me what I liked about the song, and I told her I like the texture of it. She stopped for a minute, thinking about the absurdity of what I had said - it was a song, not pork tenderloin - and then smiled and agreed with me. 

I just like them.

That last one, juxtaposition, has been stuck in my head all day. 
I keep over enunciating it in my head.

juxtaposition
juxtaposition
juxtaposition

It's a good word. I don't think we use good words these days. We use common words. "Next too" is much easier than juxtaposition.

easy

nothings really easy

after two containers of food this evening, my son - overly excited - grabbed his juice and threw his head back. The bottle slipped from his hand for a moment and the nipple slipped into his throat.

Gagging himself.

I heard him cough, I was up stairs trying to do this and that then I hear my husband yelp. I ran down stairs in time to see all of the food squirt out the little guys noes. 10 months old, you can't explain it to him - all I saw were two little eye, wide and in terror.

I pulled him from his high chair, attempting to throw a towel over my shoulder. I failed.

He clung to me as he puked up the rest of his dinner, as I carried him to the bathroom. I felt so bad because there wasn't much I could do. Once the smell was in his nose he kept forcing himself to vomit until all that was left was bile.

I slid to the floor and he wrapped himself around me as I rocked and sang to him. The same song I've been singing to him for the last 10 months when he's upset. Edelweiss.

"...edelweiss. edelweiss. every morning you greet me. small and white. clean and bright. you look so happy to meet me..."

My husband came into the room, a look of terror on his face, a wet washcloth in tow.

I had stripped the boy down to his diaper by this point, so we placed the cool cloth on his warm skin as my husband ran him a bath.

When I sing Edelweiss to him I tend to change the word "Edelweiss" to his name, plus the word "butt." I'm sure he doesn't understand but it makes him laugh. And 20 minutes into the bath he had sneezed the rest of the puke from his nose and then realized he could play with all of his bath toys. 

(There are a great abundance. His grandparents love to spoil him. I love that about them.)

I put on a little music and then went to the bedroom too peeled off my clothing that was now covered in "garden vegetables" and "blackberries and applesauce" as my husband played with him.

I don't really remember most of today.
I was booted from bed at 3:30 in the morning, evidently I was taking up too much room and when the bed fight ensued, I lost, so I moved down to the couch.
This normally doesn't bother me.
I have no issues about sleeping on the couch, when I can sleep, but something snapped inside my head and the rambling started - so from 3:30-5 I attempted to coax myself to sleep, and just as I felt the weight of sleep return I heard the little guy.
I was on the verge of ignoring him when I heard a loud noise. He threw something out of the crib, so I went in to make sure it wasn't him - it was an empty bottle. He likes to sleep with water near by, and it was empty.
By the time I changed him and got him back down it was after 5 so when he woke for good just after 6 all I could think about was napping when my husband woke up.

Did I forget to mention that I didn't fall asleep till 1?

I napped for about an hour and had this crazy super hero dream. 
I'm a big fangirl if you will, I've had a few super hero dreams, one I even wrote out.
This one I was on a plane with some children of super heroes. Kind of outside of myself, I watched as we, me and Wonder Woman, realized that the person we were running from was controlling the plane - we found this out when his lackey pilot told me so, because he thought I was cute. 

I wonder what female super hero I was supposed to be? Huntress? I remember purple, that's the only reason I'm picking her. 

The lackey told me that he was going to use the plane as a bomb and run it into stark tower. (Which makes no sense because that would be crossing universes... but anyway!) it ended with Wonder Woman down for the count and me trying to protect 3 small kids as we crash landed into a field.

I started to wake up, but then I drifted off again for a moment.
This time I was in bed, depressed, and that friend I spoke of was there.
They apologized and gave me a hug.

Juxtaposition

just because things are next to each other doesn't mean you should ever compare them.

plus,

Not every day
can be the one
that makes you say
TAADAA
but every day
can lead you to the one
that will

one foot in front of the other
-Or- 
in the words of the Great Finding Nemo - just keep swimming... just keep swimming... 

And if that doesn't do it for you, I'm still on my ELO kick - "Hold on Tight"

Hold on tight to your dreams
Hold on tight to your dreams
When you see your ship go sailing
When you feel your heart is breaking
Hold on tight to your dreams

(not the one's you have while you sleep - the other variety)

the act or instance of placing two or more things side by side... 
juxtaposition

~good night

Friday, August 21, 2009

Lucky 13


Yesterday afternoon, it was still early, maybe 3pm, I was sitting on my couch and eating a little snack I made up for myself. 

Nothing fancy. Mostly veggies from my garden.

Well, I'm on my "lady's days," and I leaned forward to eat some of my snack when this sharp pain ripped through me.

Outside of labor contractions, I have never felt pain like this.

I didn't do well with contractions. There were moments I remember seeing my husband through a haze, looking down at me with concern. I remember the voices that surrounded me sounded as if they were down a hallway - distinct and unreachable. 

Until I had my epidural I was useless every 3 minutes.

This went on from 4am till 9:30am. Just to give you an idea of the pain.

When I sat on my couch I flipped out. I couldn't stand and I was alone with my boy. Luckily he was napping and my hubby was en route. But still. There was about 5 minutes when I wasn't sure what the hell I was going to do. 

The husband showed up just as I was hobbling into our bedroom - heating pad in tow.

I had to cancel yoga, which really irked me because I was looking so forward to it.
It was my first class this week.
After my low point yesterday, doubt filling me like... like only doubt can - I wanted nothing more than to be surrounded by my fellow yogis, bending and twisting and talking about our journey.

I'm not alone on this.

Not totally.

I'm lucky enough to have a select few that are, and have been, walking this path for a while. We are all dealing with this differently, but we come together and talk about it.

There is one woman in particular that I talk with. She is helping me reach my goals as an instructor, and I appreciate that more than any words can articulate. So I couldn't wait to be in that safe cocoon. To see those faced that make me know I can do this...

When the pain hit me I figured I could walk it off, but I couldn't. I ended up in bed till well after 6pm, by then my belly was still sore and I wasn't willing to try it.

Today I started off in a blur. I thought it was tomorrow so I was confused as to why I was alone in the house. When it hit me, I made my coffee and attempted to work, but I had over slept (thinking it was the weekend I went back to sleep after my initial waking) and had to rush to accomplish a few things before it was time to retrieve my son.

Life moves fast.
Some times it moves too fast.

I picked up my book a few time, wrote some things I needed to, worked on meditation and then it was baby time. And then it was night.

11pm before I had a chance to stop
11pm before I had a chance to breath

But before that I had a gift.

Throwing dinner together I was mulling around the kitchen chopping this and baking that when my phone went off telling me I had a new email. It was a comment for yesterdays post.

Reading it quickly, I started to cry 

People think that the number 13 is a cursed number
I've always thought it was a great number
And today it was my favorite

Thank you for your faith in me

Tonight I'm going to read more of my book and meditate. The next few months are going to be tedious and I need to prepare.

Thank you again, and good night.
sweet dream

Thursday, August 20, 2009

twelve up and three hundred and fifty-three down...


It would be much easier if I could just move into the middle of nowhere. 

Unrealistic, but much easier.

I would be able to consume myself with everything I need and avoid everything I don't.

The list of things I want to change is probably too long.

Not that I want to wake up tomorrow and have lost the total essence of myself. 
No, that's not what I want at all.
I suppose I just want it to be easy, but who doesn't want life to be simple and easy?

I've always said life is as easy or as hard as you make it, what I don't understand is why I have to make my own life so hard.

Day twelve.

353 days left.

I have to say that I do hate winter in Cleveland, but I think having the core of this journey envolped in snow is a very positive thing. It's not the deserted island I would prefer, but if isolation is what I want, isolation is what I'll get.

And wind burn.

Breaking bad habits is hard, but when I am pushed into being alone due to forces outside of my control... Overall I think it will help me get to where I need to be.

At least I hope it will.

I just know that my heart is not happy right now. 
When I'm with my son my heart is over joyed or even the husband (at times he pisses me off but still, I love the guy) but other wise I know that my heart hurts. 

People who made promises to me, told me I was their friends and now they are mean to me all the time.

Just don't talk to them. I'm sure that's what you're thinking or even said out loud by accident. But life isn't that simple. Sometimes, because you love someone else, you are forced to be around people who you don't like all that much.

I want to let it a go.
I think that I have on days, but I know I haven't, not completely - and I can't figure out why.
And then after I'm forced into contact, it's what comes next that makes me the most angry. 
I feel sorry for myself. A year has past from the last offense and still here I am.

When I started writing this entry I half intended to delete it, but how is that going to help me? I don't think holding it in has worked all that well and if I just delete it I defeat the purpose of me letting these things go.

It's just plain scary being this honest.

I don't like to show my wounded side.
I feel it makes me weak, but then I think, what's wrong with admitting you're not made of stone? I'm not made of stone.

I keep telling myself it's early in this process and then I look, but I can't seem to grasp it. I don't feel like anything is ever going to change. The same doubt and fears have been filling me all day long and all I know and all I can see is me failing, again, and I'm filled with excuses and I don't know how to break this cycle. 

I believe that people ask for advice when they are forced to make a drastic decision, and they already know what they have to do, they just want someone else to tell them it's okay.

The point of this is for me to do what I want with my life, to realize that my dreams are important and while understanding that I have responsibilities in this world. I bothers me how something so, okay, it's not small - getting dicked over by someone you perceived as being one of your closest friends just outright sucks - but why am I sitting here lamenting on things that can't be changed?

I sit here
And I look back at all these things
These people 
My past
I've lived through worse
I've been so abandoned I had no one
But honestly, that's just easier, because then you can  do whatever you want, whenever you want.

No strings
No one to answer to

It's harder to look at life when you can't just make it fit so nice
And life isn't like that - it's not water, poured into the outline that is you, filling each wall so perfect that you don't have to worry about imperfections - because there is no room.

I'd rather just leave it all behind
but I have a family now

I'm very interested to see how this is going to end. 

Please, on Sunday, think of me and give me the strength to get through.

Day Eleven...


will be brought up in tonight's post.

In the words of the late great John Hughes, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around every once in a while, you could miss it."

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Day Ten - Being human



This day was not what I had planned. That's probably the problem, I attempted to plan it.

To be honest, it's the routine of my life. On Tuesdays I get up, do some work, workout and then pick up my son around 10.

Today, my husband was off.

It's not that he expects me to entertain him, but it's hard to openly ignore him when he's tooling through the house, the television set blaring in the background as I'm typing away on the computer working on one thing or another.

I never had the chance to workout, not unless you could the two short walks we took our son on - which I don't.

Attempting to hide mid-day in our bedroom was met with, "is this what you do when I'm at work?"

No. Actually it's not, but then again I don't turn on the TV when you're at work or even music for that matter. I listen to the cars and I do my job and then I try to do more while the boy is napping - the rest of the time is me amusing a 10 month old by feeding him, bathing him and quoting every line from Finding Nemo, and if that doesn't get him giggling I do a little dance number to Beyond the Sea, which gets him every time.

These actions are usually met with satisfaction that ends in me being able to take the boy for a 3 or 4 mile hike across the city, ending in us returning home just in time to clean up and start dinner for the dad.  THEN, after the day is coming off it's apex, the husband and I hang out and after that, when he's safely tucked away in bed, I get to come back on here and finish up what I started at 8 in the morning.

But being the total creature of habit I am, I did nothing short of falling apart
Being locked into the routine that is my life, I finished part of my work - didn't return any phone calls, do my yoga, read more than 3 pages of my book, have a chance to write... etc.

Yes. I love my husband - so there were points I rationalized with myself.
"Remember -A you're trying to learn to relax, live in the now." so then I'd calm down, but the calm isn't enough when I hear the, "So this is what you do?"

Yes dear. This is what I do. 
I do nothing.
That's why the bills are paid.
That's why there's food on your table.
That's why your son was bathed twice today 
(bath one... 20 minutes later poopy every where... bath two... bedtime)

So I hid
I let it go

Later we went for a walk and I started talking to him about writing and yoga and spirituality and writing about spirituality, etc. That didn't resonate right with him and he wasn't too happy with me about it.

Not that he doesn't support me doing yoga - that he does - its everything else that goes with it. Partially I can't blame him,
We have a very odd relationship - the things we share aren't the same as most and the things we don't share... well... it's us. That's how we've always been.

In every relationship there are two sides - and after my divorce I approached this relationship very different than most people do theirs. I know this. I see it. I've been told how weird I am about it. Or how weird we both are, but if it ain't broke...

He knows I'm reading all these books. I read them on the couch as he watches shows I don't like, but I don't think it sunk in - and when I said, down the road, I wanted to look at spiritual teaching... "just don't become an effin hippy" slipped past his lips.

All I ask from him is respect.

If you stay out late - call me. 
Things like that. I don't pry. I don't read emails. I leave the room when he's on the phone.
There are things about me he doesn't know.
There are things about him I don't know.

It's a weirdly separated bond that we share. 

Trust and respect.

I laughed when he said it, but I wish I would have commented more.
"Have you met me?" I could have said that or something more than, "I'm not that big of a hypocrite!"

Yes.
That's all I had.

I'm not cleaver with comebacks - only on paper.
25 minutes for a comeback that you'll read in 1 and think it was off the cuff.

Today was not the best day of my 365 - as humanity poured out of me, I just felt myself growing angry as before. And then that slipped into me taking things personally, which made my head spin around comments that have passed and it made me mad on two levels.

The comments made me angry because they were rude.
And the comments made me angry because I was thinking about them.
(other comments besides the hippy / lazy comments of today, and not just comments born of my husband, comments from other who were trying to be witty.)

Of all the ideas I had for today's entry... being a frustrated human being wasn't the topic I had planned on divulging.

But I supposed this is the one I needed to have.

V.I. Lenin (the first communist leader of Russia) he once commented that sometimes you needed to take 2 steps back to take the right one forward.

It's funny how in your head you can know some comments are just structured incorrectly and not intended to hurt - but sometimes those are the ones that hit you the hardest.
I'm going to have to make the choice of either pointing out these comments or just letting them go - I'm opting for the letting go, because we're all at fault from time to time, plus I find it bitchy when people point things out I've said wrong.

For now I need to read, do yoga and find some place of balance or I won't be sleeping, which isn't a good thing seeing that my son will be up, roughly, in 6.5 hours....

so half empty tonight... ugh... 
never a good way to end the day.

"Without a revolutionary theory, there cannot be a revolutionary movement."
-Vladimir Ilyich Lenin

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. 
What we think, we become."
-Buddha

Sometimes just because something looks (or sounds) bad, doesn't mean it was intended to be.
Yeah, yeah, yeah... lesson learn.

good night.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Creative Writing Group - UPDATE!


Sorry this has taken so long, but! HERE IT IS!

The creative writing group should be up and running by the end of next month.

If you are in the Cleveland area and would like to participate, meetings will be twice a month and we plan on trying to find a place that will allow us (local writers) the chance to read our tales in public!

Scary AND exciting!

For all of you NOT in the Cleveland area, I will be doing a companion site online.

The group will be an open forum and we intend to list excercises to help the creative juices flow. I also intend to have a "blog" section that will allow the writers a chance to post a piece of their work if they should so desire, and then you can also just email other members for feed back.

In advance - this group is meant to be constructive and positive - not overly analytical. What I mean by that, is we are not trying to be your editor. 

Think AA for writers.

A safe place that offers support and a shoulder to help you achieve the goals you have set for yourself as a writer.

If you don't want to post, you don't have to.
If you want to post all the time - go for it!

I do plan on attempting to get speakers every few months, other writers and members of the writing industry to help answer questions you may have that we can't answer for you, like:
  • do you need an agent
  • how much is too much for an editor
  • how can you find someone to illustrate your children's/comic book
  • and so on and so forth
If there is anything you would like this group to help you with specifically, just comment or email me. Any and all comments or suggestions are more than welcome. Multiple sets of eyes will help all of us get what we are looking for - the finished product.

At this moment we do not have a name for the group - and names like "Write Club," or "Writers Anonymous" have been taken - so name ideas would be great too!

All genres of writers are welcome! 
The more the merrier!

If you know of anyone looking for a writing group, please tell them about us.

WRITERS UNITE!

Hope everyone is well!
-A