Sunday, August 16, 2009

8 - Who are you?

I think that life is difficult enough on it's own, but when you add to it low self-esteem and many levels of uncertainty, it's hard to know who you really are.

I went back and forth today, trying to see where my mind was at.
What I needed to talk about.
Unload onto you lovely people...

Last night was good. Got a little buzzed, enough to smile and giggle a lot, but not bad enough that I woke up this morning in some stupor of a hangover haze. Actually I woke up positively giddy. I also fell asleep in a wonderful mood too.

The husband and I have come up with this little courtesy, if you will, for the one that went out and got their drink on.

The sober one gets the couch.

I know. Sounds backwards, but when the baby wakes up in the morning, we prefer not to contain him in his bedroom - so the sober one gets to take charge while the party fool gets the bed.

And it was glorious! 

I love good days! And I have to say, that since I made the realization that I may have to leave some behind (no in a "rapture" kind of way - that's just creepy and cruel - in a "life keeps moving" kind of way) But once I accepted the notion, it was just easier.

I've been talking more about the transition I want to happen in my life. The new path that I'm on and I'm happy to be so well received.

Even in a world that doesn't involve conversation via the "comment" section of a blog!

That made it easier for me to keep moving.

Isn't it funny how much one little compliment can keep you going for weeks? Oh, the power of words.

So... jumping back into it!

I don't know if I was ever certain of my identity.
I've always "been" someone's something. Like a sister, daughter, girl friend, wife, mother, friend - and I always like to say that I'm 33 and I've had many "lives." 

It's true, I've been:
  • marching band geek
  • stage crew member
  • nearly a drop out
  • a drunk
  • a poet
  • a writer
  • a boss
  • a wife (twice)
  • a punker
  • a singer
  • guitarist
  • musician 
With each thing I became something new, but I was never really good at combining those areas of my life. 

I'm a good chameleon. 

Seeing that I get bored easily I have a lot of interests. From sports to fine arts and most in between. I've been to the opera (and loved it) I've stood on the Brown's 50 yard line - I've watched American Skin Heads beat the crap out of each other at a show and I've spoken with young children about why and how drugs can ruin your life.

Most days I can have an intelligent conversation about anything that other people are into - maybe not as in depth as they can, seeing that their interests are usually deeper than mine - but I can wing it.

I should go into PR - I can sling s**t like its my job. 

Seeing that the last portion of my life is over, I sit and stare at all the different things I've done - and I try to do so in a positive light. (I don't mean to be, but it's much easier to see half empty than half full)

I no longer want to have the separation, I am all those things, so why would I hide them??

But it's easy.

For as loud as I can get, I'm super non-confrontational, especially at home. Don't get me wrong, I'll fight with my husband, everyone argues - but I don't start stupid fights about nothings. We have little time alone together, so I don't think fighting about who put the empty orange juice container back in the refrigerator will make that time fun and enjoyable. 

Even when I know, for a fact, it wasn't me.
Life's too short.

In the end it's still a hard thing to do.
It's difficult to take 33 years of programing and just change it into something else all because it'll be easier.

So who am I?
I'm an ever changing enigma that is searching for balance.

I'm the same person I was 20 years ago.
Just with more experience and the confidence it coming up pretty fast.

Right now all I'm thinking is that I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings!
Today is telling me it's over and that I should go to sleep.

Good night! And sweet dreams


  1. Love the tag of..."a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigm."

    I don't think I've changed much, but I sometimes feel I should change more...But I'm not sure what I should change into...Maybe we're fine just how we are, and everyone else sucks! haha!

  2. Winston Churchill said that about Russia before they joined the war. It's my favorite Churchill quote and think its fun to apply it to every day life! I think that most people are a mystery - but only some of them are worth figuring out.

    That sound mean... hmm... I think that we meet a lot of people in our life, and every once in a while we meet one and go - "MORE! NOW!" (not all people get along. such is life)

    I think you've changed more than you give yourself credit for. Change doesn't always need to come in the form of the a-bomb. Sometimes it just subtle things that you don't even realized happened until years later.

    But then again - who knows! You could be right about the whole sucking thing! HA!

    I feel as long as you're fine with yourself your fine in general. And every one else can just suck it!