I figure I should set some goals, seeing that is the distinct reason for me going on like this.
So here they are, my goals for the rest of these 365 days are as follows:
- Become a certified yoga instructor
- Run the Cleveland Marathon, which is only 277 days away
- (being carried over) publication. Outside of the blog-isphere I currently am published in
Those are the 3 goals I'm setting for myself. Yes, there are other things I do intend to accomplish over the next year, but outside of them - the above listed are my priority.
By this time next year I want to be established as a yoga instructor and be working, in a studio, with clients. I would like to be able to say that I ran the Cleveland Marathon, all 26 miles of it, and I would like to be able to have, on my coffee table, a copy of something I wrote, bounded with a barcode that I bought in a store.
Those goals aren't that lofty, so I feel they are obtainable. Obtainable is good. Being able to see something that I consider to be tantalizing also as something procurable is a good.
Walking around aimlessly looking for answers that I'll never find because they're not really there - is not. <- if they were handing out metals for this type of behavior I'd have one hell of a trophy rack.
Setting these goals helped ignite this latest level of metamorphosis, which is now an on going thing in my every day life. Accepting that what I really want, even if it's not conducive with my current life, has been a hard pill to swallow and it is only another layer of this stinky onion that is sometimes my life, but over all I still feel that it's worth it.
The risk of losing people or things is worth getting to the end of this and knowing that I've become a person that can see the forest from the trees. I've grown tired of walking around aimlessly, with no goals or direction, vexing over the past. I only makes me hate myself, doubt myself and become less of the person I deserve to be.
(think that applies to everyone - settling isn't a way to live. It's a way to be bored and dull. Who wants bored and dull?)
Some call this my "hippy talk"
I think that it's me being honest.
Sooner or later you have to stop looking at what you are socially supposed to do and take the time to do what you deserve. To be what you deserve. I deserve to be happy - we all do - and if that means removing certain people or things from my life to make that dream a reality, I'm willing to do that.
I'm done with games that lead to nowhere... I've done many things in this short life of mine. Lived many different lives, but I'm not done. Even when it gets scary out there, I'm not done.
Fear is a four letter word for a reason.
I grew up in a home where I wasn't the oldest or the youngest. I have an older brother and a younger sister, but while I wasn't the first child - I was the first girl - which meant that I kinda was the first child. Both my older brother and younger sister had much more lackadaisical rules in their lives.
I turned 18 two months into my senior year of high school and still had a curfew until I graduated. Even on the weekends. (Yeah, I snuck out every freaking weekend)
My little sister, her senior year, would come home at 1 am on school nights.
My brother... well, he's a "boy." He could do all sorts of fun things, he'd be safe!
That's just how it's played out in this world. Right or wrong is not the point, the point is that it's a fact. There are different rules.
My sister and I were raised to be cautious of our surroundings. ALL THE TIME. (ninja!)
It's one of the many curses of being a female in this fine world... My mother spoke to us about the "bad things" that could happen to us over and over and over until she was sure we completely understood that there was some shadowy figure of a dirty man just waiting in a alley, knife in tow, standing patiently for us to walk by so he could rape and dismember us.
(I didn't go downtown on my own, especially at night, until I was well into my 20. Say, 26 and up.)
We never talked about it. Why would you? It wasn't something that could just flow into an on going conversation, but one night I snuck my little sis out of the house and around 3 am we came home, as we were sneaking back inside a car turned onto the street. Without one look or one word to each other we ran to our house and dove behind one of the cars parked in the driveway, faces on the ground, bodies out of sight - until the car passed.
Then we looked at each other and started laughing.
Safety is one thing. Paranoia is another.
I could never be angry with my mother about her lessons in life. She loves us and wants us safe as she did back then and as she does now.
Every now and then my sis and I bring that story up and we laugh. We laugh for many reasons - because it's funny, because we felt so stupid when we realized it wasn't nothing at all, and because the shadowy figure never really hides in an alley, more than likely he's that guy sitting across from you at work or in school.
In all the years of my life I've only met a handful of women that haven't had something terrible happen to them at the hands of some "guy" who decided that they "deserved" it or they were "begging" for it.
That story, for me is one that I'll have to save for another one of these 365 days. Right now I'm not ready to post that one... (I've written it out and then deleted it about 12 times now.)
Plus, I'm staring to feel most will think my life has been nothing but bad moment after bad moment, and that isn't true.
Tonight this is the blog of lists!
First was my list of goal - and now - things that made me smile and still do:
- mid-night swims in my parents back yard when I was growing up! I've never been much of a sleeper, and when I'd get stuck at home in my teens, I'd sneak into the backyard at 1 am on those incredibly hot nights and swim in out above ground pool under the stars - I miss that a lot on night like tonight, when it's this late and still in the mid-70s'.
- Meteor showers. If you've never experienced one, the next one starts tomorrow. It is one of the most beautiful things you'll ever see.
- Vanilla ice cream with hot salsa - sounds gross, but it really isn't
- Speaking of food - EGGS IN SAUCE! Poached eggs cooked in my grandmother's homemade spaghetti sauce!
- The rest of my food moments - lasagna or homemade ravioli at Christmas, room temp butter, sugar and vanilla creamed together - YUM, the smell of coffee at 5 am - Presti's in Little Italy! The smell of haluski, sauerkraut, items fried in real butter (all of these items remind me of being a kid and cooking with my mom or grandmother or going to the church fair in late summer, which was always a blast!)
- The summer when I was 12. It was the last year I was "biologically" a child, had my first kiss, dove off the high dive, and honestly - just didn't know better.
- The first time I saw an SR-71 Blackbird - the greatest plane ever to grace our skies.
- The first time I was brave, I was about 6 years old and I decided I was done! I was done with this stupid family that for some odd reason God had decided I was going to have to live with! I had just found out about this "becoming a woman" crap and I was told that meant I was supposed to have babies or something! So, enraged, I packed up my strawberry shortcake back pack, walked out the back door and decided I was going to run away from it all! I made it behind the garage. I sat there for 20 minutes before my grandmother found me. (my grandmother lived with us) and she took me inside and gave me a piece of this concord grape pie she used to make.
- This is silly but somehow it has traversed time. One night my sister and I started to throw insults back and forth - just joking around - and some how, 20 years later, we randomly still throw the same list at each other - they are as follows: (I apologize for my profanity) Bitch. Whore. Slut. C**t. Jezebel. Streetwalker. PROSTITUTE! (the last one is yelled and who ever says it - wins! HA!)
- And finally, concord grape pie, pear and plum trees in my back yard when I was growing up, and the grapevines that I would read under.
When life sneaks up on you and shows you that shadowy fellow that is waiting in the alley just remember - Concord Grape Pie!
the small things make it all better - most days anyway - and the rest of the time, find someone that you love and tell them so.
I'm a bit off tonight - sometimes the thoughts in my head are too hard to silence - so then I get static... which means, time to stop.
Only 362 more days!