I sat around today and used the morning to unwind and think about this past week.
Right now I pretty much have the chance to make a decision about if I'm going to keep moving with this or if I'm going to jump ship with the first week being nearly completed.
I was teetering back and forth, the revelation I had late last night made me do a lot of thinking. The life I've led these past years, well, it's not that they're "anti" spirituality - but the idea of sitting down with some of the people I know and saying something to the extent of "so I was reading the Bhagavad Gita today and it just reminded me that krishna's teaching have been around so much longer than christianity..."
(and in case I haven't mentioned it, I'm agnostic. At least I have been for nearly half my life. Not atheist - agnostic, they're different)
I have always believed in something.
I need that. I've always needed to find strength when I no longer have any, in the idea that something's got my back.
The people I am around are similar in these beliefs.
This just adds another level to this procedure. I may lose most of what I know.
Then I started that "mom" thinking and if my friends love me, they should love me for whatever I am. I would do the same for them.
At least I like to think that I would do the same for them...
But then I did actually read a bit of the Bhagavad Gita today. It's a requirement for my up coming training, any way I want to read it. It's on a list of books I just feel I should read in this life time (the Qur'an is on the list too, but then again, so is War and Peace and Cat's Cradle) and I'm sitting there, sweating, on my couch. In front of me is Dharma Punx, which I need to return to my friend, Against the Stream - also by Noah Levine and 2 anatomy books, the most recent issue of Vegetarian Times and Yoga Journal.
And I smiled.
I made my choice and I have the sore ribs, bruised elbow, and table filled with books to prove it. (and let me just mention in passing the Yoga app on the iPhone)
All of these things speak about "letting go" and living in the now. So then I start to think about all the good things I could do with this. I mean, my sister is a councilor. Take that and blend it with spirituality, yoga and meditation - maybe its not the dream we had as children about going to work on "the hill" (and I mean D.C.), but maybe we can work another way?
And I thought about this blog and my quest to live each day like my life will be over soon - forcing myself to embrace the things I want and need that I would normally ignore because I was afraid of or because there is "always tomorrow."
You can't know that.
And why would you want to?
The only thing I can be certain of, for now, is that I made my choice. And while I hope that the people who have been in my life for the last however many years, will understand I am still the same old me - but that I'm happier. (not hippy-er)
One week. It's only been one week, and I really am happier.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still having moments of depression, but I realized today that it's the change. It's a big change. And with change somethings in my life will "die" and not go with me.
The bouts of depression are normal - like grieving in a way.
Once I can let go of all that baggage I've been carrying, I will be able to move forward and concentrate on the now. When I spend all my time thinking about the bad things that I did, all I do is concentrate on that and then it is reflected in your everyday life.
Even when I'm think it's not.
When you concentrate on the negative, you will feel negative.
It really is that simple.
I still have a long way to go. I by no means feel that this journey will even end in one small year - but feeling a positive release from just a few days makes the transition that much easier.
So... moving on:
After high school, through the leg thing, I traveled a bit. Not nearly as much as I would have like to, but I had a chance to see a small part of Europe.
I also went to school, which I - again - failed at terribly.
I hated school. I don't test well and it landed me in classes like my first college english classes that was at the level of a 7th grade class.
I ended up becoming my teachers assistant seeing that I was one of the only people in the class that could read.
At 20 I decided that it was time to be a "grown up" something I'm still trying to figure out. But I knew I had to do the responsible thing, so I got a job and then I started moving up the ranks.
By 24 I was the manager of a big old retail operation, slowly moving towards managing a whole district of stores.
The money was enticing.
At 25 I would have been making close to 60,000+ a year. With good benefits. Vacation, holiday and sick time - but the catch was I would have to relocate to Michigan.
I had just been through a divorce. And the relationship before that one wasn't that pretty either. (Let's just say the wears I was selling when I was with that guy weren't of the legal variety. I also made fake I.D.s - plus there was a whole v.d. scare...)
On the one hand it looked like a great idea. (the job)
A fresh start.
But that was the year I met the man I'm now married to and the father of my son.
If I would have went it meant not giving the relationship a shot - and there was always something about him.
He made me blush.
I don't blush. End of story. I just don't.
The fact that he could make me blush always intrigued me. So I had to know more. He held the same beliefs I did too, which was a nice breath of fresh air, and he had just been through a break up so I figured that we could do the dating thing for ever and ever and ever.
When I was with my ex the only things I did was worked and I drink.
I drank so much I have memories of showing up to work still drunk.
I have this one memory of drinking till 5 am, whiskey, I had to be at work at 9. The hang over hit after I was there for about 3 hours and I ended up having to have a friend of mine come in and cover for me.
She was PISSSSSED! (so was I, just not in the same way)
I think I was drunk the entire time I was married.
It started like all of those things do. He was "different" before we were married and then things changed. Like, I could go to school, but if I did my homework he'd get pissed because I wasn't paying attention to him.
Work was the same way.
And I had a curfew.
So when I met my NOW husband and then they asked me to move... it wasn't gonna happen.
I had passed up on things for the wrong reason before. I wasn't going to do it again.
It was just money.
Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan, but it's not that important.
Regret only the things you don't do.
Not the mistakes you make. Learn from your mistakes and move on.
Life is too short to hang onto shit you can't change.
Just accept the fact that you're human - an animal that makes mistakes all the time - and move on. Because I'm sure there are better things to do - like spending time with people you love, eating delicious food and listening to amazing music.
Mr. Blue Skys - ELO
Tortilla Roll-ups (yum)
1 8oz package cream cheese (room temp)
1 bag shredded 4 cheese Mexican blend (2 cups)
1 sm call diced black olives
1 sm jar diced pimento peppers (or roasted red bell peppers)
1 package taco seasoning
salt and pepper if needed
Mix it all up and spread it out on tortilla, roll them up and eat them.
They get better if they sit over night.
See - and up side to drinking. I made that up one night when I was trying to make mexican black bean rollups... 4 years ago.
People ask me to bring them whenever they invite us over.