Thursday, August 13, 2009

Day Five - For the love of all things holy...really?

You may not be too overly surprised to find out that when you spend a great deal of your time thinking about your own death that you may get depressed.

I know. Shocking.

I decided if today was one of the last days I would be alive, I should spent it with my son.

It was nice. He's 10 months now and acts silly a lot. Like when he tries to bite my nose, or when he giggles a lot because he's super slap happy and tired - yet still won't take that nap...

I sat there on my couch looking at him as he tried to eat the remote and then grew sad by the idea of him not knowing me when he grew up. 

I reminded myself this just an exercises meant to help me see the "now" instead of obsessing about the past or becoming to overly concerned with the future.

Two things you can't control.
Why try?

It helped. And no, I'm not going to stop, not yet. 
I just need to rearrange somethings. I need to look at it like "We Could Die At ANY MOMENT" rather than thinking impending doom is unavoidable. 

Then it's just realistic and not overly depressing.
Because life is life and while I want to do this exercise, realistically I have a kid and I can't just STOP!

Like today...

I had to buy a new phone today. I accidentally dropped my phone into the toilet yesterday afternoon, I have a bad habit of tucking it into my back pocket... went in and there is was, at the bottom of the bowl.

This morning it died in my hands... poor little bugger... 

My little joy of buying a new phone kept me on the up and up, but I've been working hard at the yoga/working out thing. I've been to 3 classes this week, done routines at home pretty much every night since last Thursday. (if I don't go to class I try to do something at home) and then I also went for a run on Tuesday and have been for countless number of walks every other day. Two alone today that added up to about 4 or 5 miles combined.

Then there is the rest of life.

My son. Husband. Job. Working on this. My other writing...

I'm freaking tired. 
So freaking tired I almost took a head dive into my mat tonight.
Downward facing - whooooaaaa! BALANCE! BALANCE!
So graceful.

When you take a yoga class, when you start for the night you ease your way into positions. Standing on one leg with your other leg in the air above your head and your hands on the floor can end in perilous disaster if you aren't warmed up.

Everything in life should have a warm up period.




Changing yourself into someone you like, someone more productive than your old self, you should warm up.

That is what I have always intended to do. Hence the "365 Days of Me" and not the "By next Thursday I'm going to conquer Europe like the Vandals! HELLS YEAH!"

Saying and doing have never been my strong suit.

As I was head diving into my mat before I caught myself and attempted to make it look like I was okay, I started getting super depressed.

As stated - saying and doing - not my strong suit. 

So I started to think of all the bad things. 
Those thoughts led to me thinking the same thing I always do, "What does it matter? You're never going to finish anyway!"
Then I got super mad at myself.

I really hope my instructor couldn't see my face - I have a tendency to project what I'm thinking onto my face. Going from fear, to nearly crying to being pissed off... ahh... meditation of yoga...

So now I'm drinking a beer.
Which will be followed by another beer.
I'm going to read my Budda books, and break my no smoking vow, because you can only work into something new slowly. When you push too hard too fast someone's gonna get hurt.

(and I don't mean that sexually)

Tonight I'm going to be honest and say I need a little break from my past.
There is a reason we forget things.
My mother always said that my memory, "is like a sieve! Everything just falls out!"
Can you imagine if it didn't?  What a terrible life that would be... 

For all the crappy things that have happened to me in my past I try to hang on to the good stuff. That's part of the reason why I needed to unload the bad - I don't want it any more.
I only want the good stuff.

-My Friend's at 3am
-UFO in the metroparks at midnight (we used to drive really fast with the lights off and just the dome light on so it looked like we were in a UFO. Not safe - but fun at 17)
-Porch beers
-Porch parties till sunrise

And tonight, my son is asleep. My husband is out. I now own an iPhone and I'm going to go sit on my porch, drink a few beers, smoke a few cigarettes and download stupid aps from iTunes like Oregon Trail - which I downloaded at Yoga because they are a WiFi hotspot.

Here's hoping that in the next few hours I don't die from dysentery!

Have a good night!


  1. I loved UFO...A good night of turfing was always good too!

    I want a beer now...And an iphone...

  2. An mail box baseball. Did that one a lot too.

    The beer was delicious and the iphone is sooo damn addicting!! I now believe in love at first sight. Damn thing... now I can get online everywhere!!

    ~sniff~'s beautiful...