Monday, August 17, 2009

Day Nine - with a capital "K"

I find the older I get the less I fear change and the more I crave it. 

Some may find this to be a character flaw, if something is good - why would you want to jeopardize it with change? But, in the attempt to be fearless - which scares the ever living hell out of me - I find change to be invigorating. 

And in the end, not that scary. 

If you take life as it comes to you and realize that there isn't anything really to control, then suddenly it's much more simple.

The "scene" that I was part of for years musically, and every other way, is very "showy." What I mean by that is, its a fashion show. Don't get me wrong, I see nothing wrong with looking nice - the outside is a reflection of the inside (sometimes), but in a way that scene was (and still is) just some twisted perverse version of High School. 

Who is the smartest, prettiest, bitchiest.

Who is popular.

Popularity. Everyone wants it, but at what cost?

I let it destroy a few relationships, cause stain on my marriage, make me into a terrible person that was ever so quick to judge everyone and anyone around me. The whole time, in the back of my head I'd hear this little voice that said, "What are you doing?"

The guilt of being raised Catholic combined with basic common decency was and still is a heavy burden to carry in my life. It has created an on going battle inside of me - the Devil verses the Angel - (and that would explain the tattoos on my shoulders).

In the land of common sense, you are not a mean prick just because it's funny on a Friday night. You don't sit there and judge people because they do things different than you, or what ever reason you feel like throwing hate on them.
If you listen to that inner voice and follow the path of common sense, you take that time to catch up with old friends, but when you have nothing to talk about - and still haven't realized that... you do things to fill that void.

I used to hang out with this girl a while back, we were in separable, for three whole years. The equivalent of "white on rice" if you will, and she brought that bitchy, selfish quality out of me - ten fold. (I'm not blaming her. It was still my choice to be like that, and I accept the fact I made the wrong choice, but she was an enabler in that way. If you're weak in a certain area of your life, it's a good thing not to wave temptation directly in front of your face - chances are you'll fail.)

But boy did I think it was funny to be that bitch!

Every Friday we'd meet up, get really wicked trashed and make some really rude ass comments.

Karma's a bitch. I have since paid for these actions - and I no longer speak with her. I could lie and tell you I realized she was so terrible and that she brought the worse out of me, but I don't see the point. When I was pregnant we drifted apart, and then one day I got an email from another friend of mine. He was asking me why my that girl had written me off in a blog.

I didn't know that she had, but there it was right there on myspace.

Granted she had blocked me from her page so I couldn't see it. He copied it and sent it to me. She blamed me for a whole bunch of shit that was wrong in her life, things that clearly weren't my fault.

I wanted to tell her that I couldn't be held responsible for every crappy thing that happened, even if she wished it so, but she wouldn't have taken my call anyway. Being pregnant and sober had forced me to look at parts of my life and realize that they needed to be changed - even though I wasn't ready for it.

I wasn't surprised by her ditching me. Comments about people we hadn't seen in a while started popping up, "Why don't we talk to her again? Oh that's right, you don't like her!" She started making nice with people who had wronged me, so when it all went down I wasn't overly shocked. I even understood the whole blog on myspace thing, she knew one of our mutual friends would tell me about it - just like they did. So she had the chance to play her martyr card and I had the chance to look like the bad friend since I wasn't there for her 24/7 as I had been prior to getting knocked up. 

We were cleaver like that. At least we thought we were. In the end it finally destroyed what little faith I had in any humans on this planet.

It's easy to play an -ism card. Hate someone for gender. That's why I'll just say that all people suck to a certain degree. Men aren't the problem any more than women are. We aren't that different, we're all just that selfish from time to time. (and having everyone tell us that we're different doesn't much help, just ask Pavlov's dog)

Last I heard about her, she was rail thin, which leads me to believe that she's still popping pills like candy. Never a healthy way to live your life. A few weeks back I was supposed to go see my buddy's band play, and at the last minute I didn't go. I think I wasn't feeling well or something, but it worked out because she was there.

A whole year later and she's still playing the same games.

The judger becomes the judged... but she won't see it. She accosted another friend of mine at the show because she wants her old life back. It's sad to see, and I have to admit, part of me still wants to get a hold of her and try to help her - but I don't think I'm strong enough to take care of her, because that's what it would be, me taking care of her.

The past is just that - it has passed. If only life was like a Spielberg movie, then 20 years later we could go back in and digitally removed all the stuff we didn't like, but it's not - and there for I don't understand why anyone would want to try.

I really don't like to judge people. I don't see the point and I hate myself when I do it. I don't see how I'm better than anyone, honestly I never have - I'm just me - which may be different, but that's who I am. I never claimed sanity, I find it to be boring - the whole "fitting into a mold" thing. It's for the birds or other people that I no longer speak too.

And that's not judging, it's a fact. A lot of people I have known over the years have found that plateau they wanted to be on and stopped, I'm still going. I don't think there is a plateau out there for me - too much of a vagabond at heart. 
It's easy to fall into routine and sit, stagnate, as the world revolves around you - but what good is that? Then you stop learning and growing and what else is there to do? Pigeon holing your life into one expectation will only lead you to a level of uncertainty.

But then again, there is no way to know for sure, not is there? The only thing you can do is what you feel is right for you.

Today I think I'm going to do yoga for a while, meditate and keep moving. If I was going to die in less than a year, there is a lot I need to do! And I'm going to start with you and an apology.

If I have ever done anything to you that was mean and angry, I hope you can accept this apology. I never meant any harm. I know that hurting people to make myself feel better is pointless and I wish I would have never allowed myself to think, even for a second, that it was justified.

The cicada are buzzing this morning and I have a lot to accomplish today, so I'm off! I hope your day is wonderful and thanks for reading!

"Delusion arises from anger. The mind is bewildered by delusion. Reasoning is destroyed when the mind is bewildered. One falls down when reasoning is destroyed."



  1. I don't know if it's my feed or yours, but Yesterday's post just showed up...WTF...

    I'm loving all this insight into you.

  2. thanks.... it all just kinda hit me the other day... It's so weird, but ever since I've started this I feel so at ease all the time.

    it's nice.