Using this blog to help myself become the person I want to be.
Yes, I know how that sounds, another crazy person ranting her mere existence - but I never once claimed sanity, well, at least not in recent years. Sanity is for those other people, people who are part of what I've been running from my entire life.
I admit, they pop up from time to time, eternally there to remind me of how uber sensitive I am, or the "extreme" nerd I can morph into when I put on my comic book/D&D rain boots, (d20 anyone?) but regardless, most of the people I have grown close to over the years is just as off kilter as I am.
I think, for the most part, I'm just scared of this notion. Scared to be so forthcoming, but I'm only human... fallibility is a nice thing to have.
But still, they judge and I fear that judgement.
I've always believed that the mystery of tomorrow is a wonderful thing, but at the end of the day I freak out and I don't want any surprises - bad or good - because I've already had enough crappy surprises to keep me on guard for the rest of my life.
Regardless, I'm going to ignore all the paranoid bells and whistles that are going off inside of me, and the trepidation that seems to be paralyzing me from attempting new things. I find it oddly funny how in a flash, I can get in some one's face that I don't know and tell them how it really is (insert head sway and finger snaps) but when faced with genuine candor... I freeze up.
I refuse to use the word coward... just cautious.
Now, I will officially start the 365 days with how all this began...
14 years ago I woke up one morning getting ready for the day. I swung my legs off the bed and planted my feet on the ground, went to put my weight into my legs and immediately collapsed onto the floor. The pain that tore up my leg into my back was the most sever pain I could remember feeling in my life. At first I dealt with it.
I was 19 for the love of God! What the hell could really be wrong with me?
After a week I made a doctors appointment, the pain had led to very embarrassing things like the fact I needed assistance in the bathroom. I remember crying on my mother's shoulder as she supported me so I could pee.
The doctor examined me. I had about 100 x-rays and when she came back she told me that I had degenerative disk disease and announced I had, roughly, 6 more years until I would be bound to a wheel chair for the rest of my life.
This is what every 19 year old woman wants to hear! It wasn't supposed to happen to me, it was supposed to happen to "that guy" or "that girl," but never, ever me!
So I did what I could. I cried for a long time and then I finally went for a second opinion.
This new doctor was wonderful, patient, kind and she put me through loads and loads and loads of new and interesting tests. After all was said and done she led me into her office, closed the door and opened with, "I know a good attorney if you want to sue the other doctor," and then she kindly ended with, "It's sciatica, you have a pinched nerve."
I may have kissed her, I know I hugged her and that was when I was introduced to prescription "anti-inflammatory" medications and physical therapy, both things sounded 1000x better than making a special appointment with 1-800-wheelchair.
It was an up hill battle for a while. The pain pills managed to keep me from needing help in the more private areas of my life, but they also started to hurt my stomach and my insurance only covered so much physical therapy so I had to make a decision and I did - I became fast friends with Rodney Yee's Back Care Yoga for beginners - on VHS.
The one time cost of $19.95+tx! Much cheaper than pills and therapists!
Yoga. Who knew?
If you would have told me that Rodney Yee and his insanely snug spandex yoga pants would drive me to want more from myself, I would have laugh square in your face!
Yoga was for treehuggers named Moonshine.
I may be loud, obnoxious, and even absented minded, but never a treehugger...
Ever notice how when you say your not something or will not do something, you end up doing it?
Yeah... me too...