Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Day Ten - Being human

This day was not what I had planned. That's probably the problem, I attempted to plan it.

To be honest, it's the routine of my life. On Tuesdays I get up, do some work, workout and then pick up my son around 10.

Today, my husband was off.

It's not that he expects me to entertain him, but it's hard to openly ignore him when he's tooling through the house, the television set blaring in the background as I'm typing away on the computer working on one thing or another.

I never had the chance to workout, not unless you could the two short walks we took our son on - which I don't.

Attempting to hide mid-day in our bedroom was met with, "is this what you do when I'm at work?"

No. Actually it's not, but then again I don't turn on the TV when you're at work or even music for that matter. I listen to the cars and I do my job and then I try to do more while the boy is napping - the rest of the time is me amusing a 10 month old by feeding him, bathing him and quoting every line from Finding Nemo, and if that doesn't get him giggling I do a little dance number to Beyond the Sea, which gets him every time.

These actions are usually met with satisfaction that ends in me being able to take the boy for a 3 or 4 mile hike across the city, ending in us returning home just in time to clean up and start dinner for the dad.  THEN, after the day is coming off it's apex, the husband and I hang out and after that, when he's safely tucked away in bed, I get to come back on here and finish up what I started at 8 in the morning.

But being the total creature of habit I am, I did nothing short of falling apart
Being locked into the routine that is my life, I finished part of my work - didn't return any phone calls, do my yoga, read more than 3 pages of my book, have a chance to write... etc.

Yes. I love my husband - so there were points I rationalized with myself.
"Remember -A you're trying to learn to relax, live in the now." so then I'd calm down, but the calm isn't enough when I hear the, "So this is what you do?"

Yes dear. This is what I do. 
I do nothing.
That's why the bills are paid.
That's why there's food on your table.
That's why your son was bathed twice today 
(bath one... 20 minutes later poopy every where... bath two... bedtime)

So I hid
I let it go

Later we went for a walk and I started talking to him about writing and yoga and spirituality and writing about spirituality, etc. That didn't resonate right with him and he wasn't too happy with me about it.

Not that he doesn't support me doing yoga - that he does - its everything else that goes with it. Partially I can't blame him,
We have a very odd relationship - the things we share aren't the same as most and the things we don't share... well... it's us. That's how we've always been.

In every relationship there are two sides - and after my divorce I approached this relationship very different than most people do theirs. I know this. I see it. I've been told how weird I am about it. Or how weird we both are, but if it ain't broke...

He knows I'm reading all these books. I read them on the couch as he watches shows I don't like, but I don't think it sunk in - and when I said, down the road, I wanted to look at spiritual teaching... "just don't become an effin hippy" slipped past his lips.

All I ask from him is respect.

If you stay out late - call me. 
Things like that. I don't pry. I don't read emails. I leave the room when he's on the phone.
There are things about me he doesn't know.
There are things about him I don't know.

It's a weirdly separated bond that we share. 

Trust and respect.

I laughed when he said it, but I wish I would have commented more.
"Have you met me?" I could have said that or something more than, "I'm not that big of a hypocrite!"

That's all I had.

I'm not cleaver with comebacks - only on paper.
25 minutes for a comeback that you'll read in 1 and think it was off the cuff.

Today was not the best day of my 365 - as humanity poured out of me, I just felt myself growing angry as before. And then that slipped into me taking things personally, which made my head spin around comments that have passed and it made me mad on two levels.

The comments made me angry because they were rude.
And the comments made me angry because I was thinking about them.
(other comments besides the hippy / lazy comments of today, and not just comments born of my husband, comments from other who were trying to be witty.)

Of all the ideas I had for today's entry... being a frustrated human being wasn't the topic I had planned on divulging.

But I supposed this is the one I needed to have.

V.I. Lenin (the first communist leader of Russia) he once commented that sometimes you needed to take 2 steps back to take the right one forward.

It's funny how in your head you can know some comments are just structured incorrectly and not intended to hurt - but sometimes those are the ones that hit you the hardest.
I'm going to have to make the choice of either pointing out these comments or just letting them go - I'm opting for the letting go, because we're all at fault from time to time, plus I find it bitchy when people point things out I've said wrong.

For now I need to read, do yoga and find some place of balance or I won't be sleeping, which isn't a good thing seeing that my son will be up, roughly, in 6.5 hours....

so half empty tonight... ugh... 
never a good way to end the day.

"Without a revolutionary theory, there cannot be a revolutionary movement."
-Vladimir Ilyich Lenin

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. 
What we think, we become."

Sometimes just because something looks (or sounds) bad, doesn't mean it was intended to be.
Yeah, yeah, yeah... lesson learn.

good night.


  1. "When life gives you lemons...Squeeze them in some dolts eyes!" -The Beeze