Monday, August 24, 2009

Expectations of grandeur... (16)

Gandhi once said to "be the change you wish to see in the world."
I like to slap that next to the gold old fashion, Catholic, "Golden Rule." (Which is not to be confused with a golden shower - which Catholicism can feel like at times...)
"Do to others what you would like to be done to you" - that's from the parable of the Good Samartian. 

Like I said before, life is relatively simple. It may not feel that way at times, but over all, if you keep your nose clean it's not a hard thing to do.

I know what you're thinking, "But where's the fun at?" 

I was a party girl for a long time. And I don't mean in the "college" sorority v fraternity crap. I mean I was the one that yelled at 2:30 - "You guys should come back to our place!" As I was standing on a bar, with a beer in my hand. And they mostly did.

But, it was what I wanted.

I can sit down an look back and normally find the moment when I committed to something. Doesn't matter if that "thing" was a good thing or a bad thing - it was just something

A drunk
A musician
A yoga instructor

If I want things and I want them badly enough, I will commit to it and I will get what I want. 
That's just me.
That's why when people ask me if I always get what I want, I say yes. Because I'm willing to do the work to achieve those goals, even if those goals are being a drunk.

I never really had a lot of expectations in life. Yes, if someone asks me - "what did you want to be when you grew up" - it normally tell them "super spy." But in reality I don't know. 

I don't remember.

I remember wanting to be a grown up. 
I craved responsibility. 
I wanted the freedom that came with that, even though every adult would tell me I was freer as a child - I didn't believe them and I wanted it.

I'm all grown up now and I still don't agree with them.

Not having a mortgage doesn't mean you have freedom. Just like having one doesn't mean you are limited to a certain life.

Being able to make choices for yourself, regardless of them being good or bad, is freedom. When you're a kid you don't have freedom, because at the end of the day, "If you live under my roof..." <- you get the picture.

When I started reading about the "flow" of things, just letting things come at you, not attacking the future or clinging to the past - I started thinking of my childhood - because, like I said, I never thought like that back then. I knew I wanted freedom, but I never had a "life plan." 

The only thing I really did want to be was like Michelangelo the one and only "Renaissance Man." He fascinated the hell out of me. He knew about everything thing - which made me want to know about everything

(...and he could write backwards. Which I can do, I practiced and practiced. I can also write and read upside down - but that was more to the spy thing.)

But I do. I know a little about a lot of things and nothing great about one thing in particular.

I don't know what I expected to do with all of that. Little bits and pieces here and there, they add up, but to what?

Like I said, I never really had any great expectations of what I wanted in life.
I just wanted to be happy.

I never expected to be married at all - let alone twice.
I never expected to have kids - or how hard it would be to get to have the one. 
The only one, the love of my life.

Like everything in the world, life ebbs and flows. I can look back and find you the most overly positive reinforced moments in my life that I have carried with me over all the years and then I can tell you the most horrific tales... 

Everyone has a story.

Most days I think that mine is overly basic and bland until I talk to people and realize that my tendency to be slightly insane has left me with some good ones.

I was thinking about this the other day.
We went for a walk and I was thinking about my boy growing up, telling him stories about "when I was your age." Thinking about the stories my dad told us.

Then I had this little epiphany. 

Did you ever notice that everybody's stories just kind of stop after a certain point of their lives?
Think about it. Think about all those great stories you heard from your family/friends over the years - they're always about a specific point of their life.

Why does it feel like when we (universal we) get to certain point of our lives we cling so desperately to the past?

Like I said last night, we all have a nemesis - but it shouldn't be you.
When you cling to the past like that, you make it you. You get in your own way to make new stories to tell everyone about. You live on fear.

I live on fear.

I let things scare the shit out of me and then, BLAMO, I run away.

My newest moment of total and complete fear -  yoga teacher training.
It's 3 grand.
I don't have 3 grand.

So how am I going to do this?
I'm just going to do it.

I'm going to sign up for the classes, and pay what I can when I can, and pray they don't boot me from the class.

Easy, but scary life.
In January I'm out of a job.
The last few months of this year I'm using our extra funds to go to school.
Going to school will limit me getting a part time job.

See - it's easy to get scared.

This is how I look at it.

8 years ago my husband moved in with me.
Our rent was like $525 a month and we couldn't afford to go to $4 movie night. (At least this is what we told ourselves) We had two car payments which totaled nearly $600 a month on top of the rent and together we brought in, maybe, 2 grand a month... 

Yes, now we have a kid
Yes, its much easier to move up, then back in the world of money
But we did it then

Maybe it's the best thing ever, because I find (in my life) that money tends to muck things up. The more I have the more I want stupid things I don't really need. Little shiny objects that make me feel good until the next shiny object comes along and distracts me from what I should be really working on - myself.

I can't have any expectations of this upcoming future because if I do... well, let's just say planning this part out may not be in my best interest.

Yes, I feel that visualization is very important.

If you say you can't do something, you won't be able to, but if you tell yourself you can - if you imagine yourself reaching that final objective, it's much easier to get there. So instead of looking so far down the road, or looking at the bad things that could happen along the way - I'm just going to think about that moment when I get certified and I can be a teacher full time.

I'm just going to do it.

3 grand is a lot of money

And there are a lot of negative things that I could look at and think of that would hinder me from doing this - but then what?

Maybe a few years of "hard" times because of money will lead me to having lot of great years? There is only one way to find out, right?

I'm sure you'll hear about it... well, unless they turn of my internet! HA!

Like I said, everyone has a story...
What's yours?


  1. Well Said Ms. A.
    I love the approach and the reality and the lovely dream about to become your reality.
    Hugs and keep us posted

  2. I will!
    By the way, I loved that last poem you posted. I'm not sure if I commented or not.

  3. Not enough room for my story...Besides it's a work in-progress...I'm feeling very motivated after reading this...Thanks!