Friday, August 28, 2009

just in the nick of time - BOOBS!

I find myself standing in front of the mirror
I think I'm getting a sty
Who wants a sty?
I know I don't
I stare at my eye for a moment
It hurts when I blink
The edge is puffy
And I have a wedding to go to in a week
Outside of my weird dye job
Terrible tan lines
And bruised flesh
I can now add "sty" to the list
Sighing for a moment I remind myself
Who cares?
In ten years what people are going to remember about that wedding will not be me
And I don't mean that in an "I'm forgettable" sort of way
I mean it in a "it's not my wedding, I'm just a guest" sort of way
But the vain side of me seems to be crying for attention tonight
Probably because I decided laying low until next week is the way to go
And now my subconscious can't seem to handle it
I figure the emotion is like my chocolate/sweet craving
Wait 1o minutes
It'll pass
But, under all of that, I have to ask myself why I'm picking on myself
It started the other day
I started on myself about my body
My body that I liked just a week before
Now suddenly I'm not content
When it comes down to it all I can say is I'm lame.

No seriously, I'm waiting for Rancher Dan to notice my gimpy leg and take me out back with a 9 gauge because I'm THAT LAME.
I'm an advocate of women feeling sexy about themselves
I feel it's important all around
O.K... stupid honesty
My birthday is coming up
34 is looking at me
And suddenly I'm not 24... physically

This is me telling myself to suck it.
Moving forward...

I made the decision not to overtly discuss new ideas in my life
That really doesn't count on here
This is my open forum for saying it all and then going to bed
Me likey... 
But then again, I'm banking that only 5% of you know me for real
And out of that 5% only .2% has seen me in years
So, in my illogical head
It makes sense

I should talk about things with my friends
But I don't feel like hearing the "did you find god?" comments
or the "Are you a tree hugger now?"
Lucky for me the place I do yoga at most weeks 
Is next to Daystar
I can buy my tie dye
Buy some "tobacco" smoking "devices"
And find a higher plane that I've been told I can never truly understand until I experience "tobacco" in my new "device"

how I jest... 

I find myself balancing out a bit
The uttermost sense of infernal euphoric bliss is calming into a usable state
That is a good thing

I've working out a group of people I can talk to about my "needs" in this area
Thus allowing me to separate the lives - for now

But still
I'm standing there
Thinking about the sty 
The wedding
The bruises, tan lines and hair
Wondering why women think dropping large quantities of weight, fast, is a good thing
Because it's not (and that added to gravity not being a friend...)
Considering ways to up the ante on my uber need to be so overly self absorbed
And then flittering and floating back to the fact that I know I'm acting like a 15 year old school girl for not reason other than to make myself feel better


This would be the moment I turned to my friend LaBatt... 

The further I press on into this venture I'm calling my "year of transition" into my new life
The better I like myself (mostly)
I've had some good moments of clarity (it's not that I hated the old me, it's that I like the new me better)
I've had some bad moments where wounds I had forgotten about were re-opened - but I like to think that this time the healing process will work out right

So, outside of my insistent need to point out that something aren't stacking up how I'd like them too, I can stop - as I laugh at myself - and realize that I have new things in my heart that I've learned
New sayings I chant to myself when I get mad 
And a slightly new disposition that is helping me become more excited about my future

And I have beer

Yummy, delicious beer
So I'll leave you with this - 
For all you women out there - know this, you are, in fact, beautiful. Embrace that.

For everyone out there - realize that what people say when you're not around isn't anything to concern yourself with, because it's got nothing to do with you.

For all you men - you're beautiful too. And while you won't admit you need to hear that from time to time, us women see you like that.

And for everyone - sometimes when you're talking, it's okay to actually say something -
Life can't always be silly rhetoric 

now... I have to go finish my beer and relax...

good night


  1. That was great!

    We are getting together soon BTW.

  2. thanks! And just let me know whens good for you, most of my schedule is moveable...