Thursday, August 20, 2009

twelve up and three hundred and fifty-three down...


It would be much easier if I could just move into the middle of nowhere. 

Unrealistic, but much easier.

I would be able to consume myself with everything I need and avoid everything I don't.

The list of things I want to change is probably too long.

Not that I want to wake up tomorrow and have lost the total essence of myself. 
No, that's not what I want at all.
I suppose I just want it to be easy, but who doesn't want life to be simple and easy?

I've always said life is as easy or as hard as you make it, what I don't understand is why I have to make my own life so hard.

Day twelve.

353 days left.

I have to say that I do hate winter in Cleveland, but I think having the core of this journey envolped in snow is a very positive thing. It's not the deserted island I would prefer, but if isolation is what I want, isolation is what I'll get.

And wind burn.

Breaking bad habits is hard, but when I am pushed into being alone due to forces outside of my control... Overall I think it will help me get to where I need to be.

At least I hope it will.

I just know that my heart is not happy right now. 
When I'm with my son my heart is over joyed or even the husband (at times he pisses me off but still, I love the guy) but other wise I know that my heart hurts. 

People who made promises to me, told me I was their friends and now they are mean to me all the time.

Just don't talk to them. I'm sure that's what you're thinking or even said out loud by accident. But life isn't that simple. Sometimes, because you love someone else, you are forced to be around people who you don't like all that much.

I want to let it a go.
I think that I have on days, but I know I haven't, not completely - and I can't figure out why.
And then after I'm forced into contact, it's what comes next that makes me the most angry. 
I feel sorry for myself. A year has past from the last offense and still here I am.

When I started writing this entry I half intended to delete it, but how is that going to help me? I don't think holding it in has worked all that well and if I just delete it I defeat the purpose of me letting these things go.

It's just plain scary being this honest.

I don't like to show my wounded side.
I feel it makes me weak, but then I think, what's wrong with admitting you're not made of stone? I'm not made of stone.

I keep telling myself it's early in this process and then I look, but I can't seem to grasp it. I don't feel like anything is ever going to change. The same doubt and fears have been filling me all day long and all I know and all I can see is me failing, again, and I'm filled with excuses and I don't know how to break this cycle. 

I believe that people ask for advice when they are forced to make a drastic decision, and they already know what they have to do, they just want someone else to tell them it's okay.

The point of this is for me to do what I want with my life, to realize that my dreams are important and while understanding that I have responsibilities in this world. I bothers me how something so, okay, it's not small - getting dicked over by someone you perceived as being one of your closest friends just outright sucks - but why am I sitting here lamenting on things that can't be changed?

I sit here
And I look back at all these things
These people 
My past
I've lived through worse
I've been so abandoned I had no one
But honestly, that's just easier, because then you can  do whatever you want, whenever you want.

No strings
No one to answer to

It's harder to look at life when you can't just make it fit so nice
And life isn't like that - it's not water, poured into the outline that is you, filling each wall so perfect that you don't have to worry about imperfections - because there is no room.

I'd rather just leave it all behind
but I have a family now

I'm very interested to see how this is going to end. 

Please, on Sunday, think of me and give me the strength to get through.

4 comments:

  1. "I keep telling myself it's early in this process and then I look, but I can't seem to grasp it. I don't feel like anything is ever going to change. The same doubt and fears have been filling me all day long and all I know and all I can see is me failing, again, and I'm filled with excuses and I don't know how to break this cycle"

    You are stronger than you know, and you are smarter than you admit to yourself. Don't give in to it; to the fear, or to your doubts. Just because you aren't seeing exactly what you thought you would "get" from what you're trying to do, well, don't take that as a sign of faliure.

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  2. thank you.
    you made me cry. I didn't expect your comment.
    thank you for your strength.

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  3. I agree with anonymous...

    By doing this, you're showing your strength...Sometimes there is nothing harder then being honest..."If it was easy...Everyone would do it."

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