Wednesday, September 30, 2009

to short. no time. sleep.



short is not a bad thing
right?
i'm so tired right now
i don't even feel like using the shift key

is that tired
or lazy?

lazy...

I went to yoga tonight for the first time in too long
It was an awesome class
It was a basic beginners course, sometimes I love those more than my other classes

as I always say, I can fall in yoga

I wrote another poem to post on here
but I quickly lost it
I lose more poems than I ever post
I was short today
in the bad form
and then it was over
because it's half past midnight
and tomorrow is Thursday
and it's October

My husband is snoring
no sleep for me tonight

suppose I should just go study
I miss sleep

I miss two weeks ago when I wasn't cold

I miss gravy
mac n cheese
dairy

and in the end
the only thing that keeps running through my head
is, if you don't like you
if you don't love you
how can you love anyone else
or like them at all
if you live in fear
lock out everyone
live your life as a lie
just go through the motions

like I said...
it was a good class

maybe tomorrow when I get on here
my eyes won't be crossing

there's always tomorrow...
there's always something more...
good night

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Sneaky little life






I have to say I'm a tad bit lost today... It's not that today was bad, but it was busy, that is my life from here on out. 
There is too much to do and no time to do it in
most days anymore I just feel overly flustered, slightly lazy, a bit bored (weird) and tired
but I keep trucking


October 9th is closing in and I have the first portion of my tuition put together for my classes
Four of my books are sitting downstairs to be read - that's where I'm at right now - studying, taking notes
I've missed most of my weeknight classes in the last week - sickness and my baby put a stop to them - but I'm not complaining, I didn't skip to watch television. 


No, life is bigger than television (don't tell my other blog that...)


The preparations for my son's first birthday are coming together. Plates, cups, table cloths and a vegan cake are all ready to go. The next day I have, here's hoping, my first writing group - maybe - this tends to go by the way side and I'm not sure if anyone is still interested these days.


The holidays are on the horizon
October is jam packed with so much to do
Birthdays, class, Halloween, Horseback Riding, Tailgating, Football and Fantasy Football, finishing my tattoo - I don't think there are many days I don't have something going on.
Every weekend is filled
Its going to go by so fast I won't even know it happened...
Then it's November and Thanksgiving... Christmas... New Years... 2010 - remember the Y2K scare? Yeah, me too.


This year is almost over and I'm not sure I know my ass from my head, right now at least. I have these moments when I think of a conversation I've had with someone and then realize that conversation was over a year and a half ago.


Today I missed my old life
That was weird
I missed drinking and playing shows - I don't miss those things on a normal day. Not even a little.
I think its this weather.
When it gets cool outside like this I think of days long gone when my week was filled with band practices started up with and followed up by stops at a bar
I told my husband I was going to drink tonight
I ended up having a glass of sparkling water


When I was pregnant I used to get cranberry and soda with a twist of lime
I wish I had that...
actually, I think I do have that in the house - lol - totally by chance...


Most days I accept it all for what it is
I remind myself of what I think things really are 
(they may not be that way, but it helps me to file things away properly so I can move forward)
Then that scent on the breeze hits me
Yes, it's just the smell of organic death... but fall has always been my favorite season so when I smell those leaves composting into something that will make spring nearly too green, my mind wanders back to this time of year over the last 30+ years of my life.


I'm sad because this year it will all be different
regardless


I'm an advocate of change - I really am
Growth is important to me, it always has been, it's just who I am
But sometimes I miss that warm blanket I used to cherish, that past
But the blanket is like the Velveteen rabbit and no matter how much I loved it, it has to go to a different place, a place that doesn't involve me. 


All the signs point to me being on the right path
My gut agrees
Then I second guess myself
I shouldn't do that - when I follow my gut I'm right nearly 95% of the time


I don't like being right 


This is what I look like when I think too much


Tomorrow I will play, cook and sing
Study, dance, cuddle and write
I will practice and talk and get past here


but for now
silent torture
and definitely a nice mug 
of hot coco









Monday, September 28, 2009

57 - What I would like to be remembered by...









Today is Day 57.
I have only 308 days to go.
My son is 351 days old.
Time moves tooooooo fast.

So what I would like to do is this: (please imagine me speaking in a 3rd grader voice and the inflection should be like "MY Summer Vacation by [insert name here]")

*ahem*

WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO BE REMEMBERED BY -
by -A

#1 - Books.

Books. I have a love affair with books. I don't understand how you can't and it makes me sad when people don't like to read.

I'm not a book snob.
A long time ago I worked with plenty of them - it teaches you very quickly NOT to be like that. I say if you're reading, good job, I don't care WHAT you're reading, as long as you are... why?
You are your own director, producer and actors - someone gave you a script and you are filling all the roles in your head, fleshing out the shot locations, and even selecting the exact wardrobe of everyone in the cast.

How can you not love that?

Fiction is a wonderful thing and it's an ancient thing and sadly, it's a dying art.
With the invention of OnDemand and all the other technological goodies I so love, it has slowed us down in this arena.

We let other people tell us what they see when they read those words.
That's why if I go see a movie based on a book I'm sure to read the book AFTER the movie, that way I can enjoy the movie, even if only for that night. Because in the end, I rarely ever agree with what the story has been transformed into - from "Jurassic Park" to "I am Legend" - it pisses me off to no end.

Books are just wonderfully glorious to me... you can be transported anywhere in the entire universe and back again with all of your best friends.
They're always there waiting for you.

I hate when people say, "Well I've already read that one, why keep it?"
I have books I've read, 10, 20 and even 30 times.
Passages memorized
Lines I drop into conversations just like others quote movies or song lyrics.
Whatever my mood - my friends are waiting for me sandwiched in the pages of so many books - from romance novels, to the classics, to comics, to short stories I found online... If I love a story, I love a story.

So that is something I would like to be remembered by. (yes I love to write, but this is different...)

The first book I want to mention is called "Ender's Game"


Written by Orson Scott Card back in 1985, Card say's this is his least favorite book of the Andrew Wiggins series.

I don't care. I love this book. I love Ender. (aka Andrew Wiggins) I love it so much that I've read this book so many times it's not normal and I still like to read it at least once a year.

I've own about 10 copies - because they fall apart or I've lent it to someone and never seen it again.

A friend of mine told me about this book over a decade ago. I don't even speak to him any more, but he it the reason I love Sci/Fi as I do and he is also the reason I love (LOVE! LOVE) anime.

But, back to this book...

This sci/fi thriller is about a world of humans who are only allowed to have two kids - but the Wiggins are just popping out some gems. Peter and Valentine.
Peter is the oldest and a bit too smart for his own good, plus he's not a very nice boy. He knows that he's smart and he uses it to all of his ability.
Valentine is in the middle - she too is brilliant but over sensitive - so the government allows the family to have a "third" the "ender" of the family. (a nickname given to him by his sister)

Ender is drafted to space at 6 to go to battleschool in order to help beat the Buggers. A race of aliens that are trying to destroy the humans and life as we know it.

Ender is a joy, just like this book is a great time.

They've spoke about making this into a movie, but seeing the original novelette was released 32 years ago and I still don't know how they would do the battleroom sequences, I hope they don't.
On a sad note, since Card doesn't much care for this book - he feels that it's not perfect or complete (or something to that extent) he has revised it. First the novelette, then the novel in 1985, a revision in 1990 and last year when Marvel started putting it out in comic form, he revamped it again.
(the comic is brilliant too - and so are the off shoots about Bean, Valentine and the rest of the crew)
But in the end, Ender's Game is, and has been for years, in my Top 5 book list.

Even if you don't like Sci/Fi - it's worth a read.


#2. Music.

I grew up in a very musical house.
The oval hall the sat in the second floor we the meeting place for us kids growing up. (it's a big hall) This hall was our play room of sorts and was equipped with most things we needed to grow up as strong and smart kids - lol...

There was a record player that sat in that hall on one of my mother's beloved tables, and underneath were piles of my mother's records. (she had a big collection)
Some of the songs I listened to on that record player - 45, thank you very much - and these are the first ones I want to be remembered by:


Snoopy VS the Red Baron - Royal Guardsmen



Dizzy - Tommy Roe



Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini - Brian Hyland


Please Don't Talk to the Lifeguard - Diane Ray


oh and Macho Duck - on the Disco Disney Record - Macho, macho duck! I wanna be a macho duck!

I still know most of these song by heart, even though I never talk about them.
My last band I tried to convince (poorly) everyone that we should cover Snoopy VS the Red Baron, but we broke up... :(
Oh... how fun that would have been...

The older I got the less I talked about it because everyone would give me the "Beatles V Stones" talk and frankly I didn't feel like being part of it. (stones)
But those song reminds me of being 6 or 7 and twirling around that oval hall, my brother and sister with me (and probably the dog too) singing at the top of our lungs:
"TEN, TWENTY, THIRTY, FORTY, FIFITY OR MORE! THE BLOODY RED BARON WAS ROLLIN OUT THE SCORE! EIGHTY MEN DIED TRYIN TO END THAT SPREE! THE BLOODY RED BARON OF GERMANY!"

That record broke.

I don't think I know another song by the Royal Guardsmen - but that song will live with me forever.
Actually - I want it played at my funeral. (quickly to be followed up with theme to The Facts of Life and if there is a video portion, please play the opening credits. Thank You)


#3. Food.

Ah... food. When I meet people they expect this of me. "You're Italian American, you have to love food!"

No. My love of food came much later in life. A mixture of lack of money and dietary restrictions I learned that if I didn't want to live on Kraft Mac 'n Cheese for life I needed to step up the game.
When you don't eat meat you lose some fine meals - so I try my hardest to recreate these in a vegetarian format.

So I give you "The Sammich" (aka - veggie ruben)

Jewish Rye bread (go to a bakery please - the real thing is better than anything you can buy in the bread isle at your local super size grocery store)

1 jar of sauerkraut (I say "jar" because you may have left overs and the bag you find by the meats is just messy... kinda like the meats... ;) )

Swiss cheese (from deli - not processed)

Vegetarian Italian Sausages (I've used Boca and Gardenburger but Tofurkey's brats are awesome too)

Dressing (I never measure):
mayo
chili sauce
ketchup
sugar (don't go crazy here or you're gonna have the sweetest dressing ever)
pickle relish
garlic
s&p... if you want

or you can use Thousand Island dressing.

You'll need 1 1/2 Italian Sausage per sandwich <-

Start by sauteing up the sauerkraut in some butter (sometimes I add caramelized onions to this or hot peppers depending on my mood)
In a different pan make an open faced grilled cheese with 2 pieces of Jewish Rye and swiss cheese (more cheese the better I say!)
Microwave the sausages according to the directions - then cut, lengthwise, so they will lye flat on the bread.
And then make the sauce (to your taste - sometimes I add hot sauce to this... love me hot sauce)

The put the darn thing together:
Jewish Rye, grilled and covered with melted cheese
3 sides of the Sausages
Sauerkraut
Sauce
other piece of Jewish Rye

Enjoy!


I'll be revisiting Books, Music and Food a bunch - but plan on adding other little things too!

NOW! Go listen to the Royal Guardsmen while eating a Sammich and reading Ender's Game. (you may want to wait till you're done eating... the sammich is a messy, messy piece of work.)

And have a great night!
xxoo
-A

Sunday, September 27, 2009

My week...



This is a recap of last week.

Monday -  dead to the word. Had 2 hours of sleep due to my mind not shutting of no matter how hard I tried...

Tuesday - this day was awesome! Met some really awesome construction workers that were super nice to my boy and that night I met up with some friends to talk about books and life and such... Good time all around.

Wednesday - woke up not feeling, *right* this turned into a full blown - "It's moments like these I really hate being a girl and boys have it so easy but they don't appreciate it one bit..." moment, stupid boys.

Thursday - still not feeling well, I've now missed 2 yoga classes and saw 2 more that I was probably going to have to skip due to being a chick - plus my son's little cold seemed to be getting worse rather than better. We put him to bed and he woke himself up, twice, from coughing so loud I could hear it through the floor.

Friday - woken up at 6:30 am. This was a pisser seeing that it was my day to sleep in. I was going to use the day to get caught up on school work, plus bills, cleaning, etc - all before collecting my son around 10am... ok so I was going to probably just study - but still.

By 10 am, my husband had went and returned to work. Our son's cold wasn't getting better, not by a long shot. He didn't want to eat, he didn't want to nap and then we realized he was having problems breathing, which caused him to cry and that made it only worse.

By 11:30 am, we were in the emergency room, they were pumping him full of drugs to open his airways and we were informed we'd be spending the night.
4:30 we were finally moved to a room. IV in place and thing on his toe to check his O2 levels, I was forced to carrying him down a hall with one woman in front of me dragging an O2 tank and one behind me dragging this IV stand. (behind them was my husband)
We made it to the room and began a long night.

The bad news? He has asthma (but we kind of expected this... his dad and his aunt both have asthma and I had chronic bronchitis growing up... needless to say the kid drew the short straw)

The funny news? We now know, for a fact, that our boy is straight as the day is long. Why? Let's just say Nurse Cindy made his night, and so did all of the other nurses. But the one man that came in, he just ignored him.

Now, nurse Cindy on the other hand. She was cooed at, giggling, crawling, and even the attempt to be picked up was involved.

That's my boy.

Even funnier? At 3 am, when I wanted to just slam my head in the door just so I would pass out and sleep... there's my boy, with his red toe sensor (the O2 thingy) it made his toe glow red, which was the most FASCINATING THING EVER KNOWN TO MAN! It looked like a scene from Empire Strikes Back in his crib.

This made me laugh to no end.
That and he some how managed to tie himself up with the cord that was attached to the sensor on his toe. (and then it broke. that was nice because he then went to sleep)

He ended up sleeping with me most of the night.
I don't blame him... I'm pretty rad... ;) ...sorry

But he came home yesterday, machine and medicine in tow.
Now ever 6 hours he hates me
Tomorrow we're hoping he will be taken off of it. He's doing great, but still I feel bad.
Not even a year old and he's:

- allergic to eggs
- allergic to milk
- has asthma
- hates meat...

Well, at least he has an awesome personality.
Here's hoping this week is better...

good night.

Friday, September 25, 2009

I Never


I never expected much from life
Mostly, I just wanted to "be"
I wanted to be happy
To be sane
To be allowed to be me
I never expected to be president
I never wanted a burden so big
I never wanted to be celebrated as a doctor or a diplomat
But a lawyer
Ahh, yes. I once looked towards law
And then I moved on
I justed wanted to be happy again
I just wanted for people I loved to smile
"Be"
But when you only operate at low levels
Suddenly "to be" isn't all it's cracked up to be
Not due to a 1000 different thing
Just due to all the nothings that pile up
When you refuse to choose
A path
I never realized how complicated
I made my life
By trying to just be
I'd rather it be comicated for something more
Today, I never thought I'd label myself, I just want to he a writer
I just want to teach yoga
I just want to be something
Because i'll never want to look back at this life
And say "I sure wish..."
No. Not me.
I never expected that it would take
So much
To make me see
But I do
And I am
And I'll be
So good bye indifference
No more skating by
I'll never
Do that
Again
Now when I just want to be
It means so much more

Thursday, September 24, 2009

lost count of the days...

another long night
been sick most of the week
so I'm tired

this is my post for now
I'll work harder at this tomorrow

need sleep

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Karma Chameleon - red, gold and green, red, gold and green...




Karma
Simply put - what goes around comes around.
The cause and effect of life. For everything you do you get something in return.
Lots of people don't believe in Karma.
Lots of other people don't believe in honest politicians.
Just because you don't believe in something doesn't mean its not real...


(like my ex-boyfriend who argued with me for a whole week about what gravity really was. He didn't believe it pulled us down... not the brightest star that shined, but that's what happens when you date people for ALL the wrong reasons...)

So, there I am, reading my text book
Chapter 3 is on Karma - karma yoga to be more precise - there are many varieties of karma... (and many varieties of yoga) kinda like wings at a bar. Hot 'n Spicy, Mild, Sweet 'n Sour, etc.

I just compared karma to something dead - that would be irony

Anyway, the whole chapter concentrates on karma, in the buddhist form - which is my favorite form.


The book states that karma is simple. The degree of happiness in your life is determined by the degree of happiness you bring to other people.

Simply put:


If you are a good person and you do nice things for people without the expectations of recongnition or reward = you will happy in the long run.

If you are a bad person and you do things in a selfish manor with many expectations and the belief that "if only, if only, if only" or "It's not fair! Why does he get to be rich while we struggle by" will only end in you NOT being happy.

...probably because you're complaining so much
trust me - when you do that no one around you is happy at all... it's like this droning noise just tapping and tapping and tapping at the back of others head...

no one like a complainer...

So there it is - karma - for every action is an equal reaction - basically, Newton's Law... NEWTON IS BUDDHA!

anyway, I'm sitting there on my bed reading my book, nodding a lot and I've even stopped outlining the chapter because I'm honestly just interested in what I'm reading. 

Karma Yoga is pretty cool.
Seeing that I only had 2 hours a of sleep I dozed off for about an hour - but the topic was so fresh in my head I started having weird dreams about people I haven't seen in a long while.


When I wake up it's all right there in the front of my head, Karma yoga,  people from my past, a mixture I don't much feel like dealing with, so I push it aside and decided I need to go to the store and buy some fruit and yogurt.

(There is a serious lacking of fruit and delicious greek yogurt - these are things I eat in abundance and never feel guilty about eating, so I'm always refilling so I can, well, eat them)


Groggy from my hour nap, after I push it aside, I immediately forget the whole karma thing until I get to the store when the person who was in my mid-morning nap dream is there. I was too tired to do more than stand in front of them and sway, then blame my kid for my lack of sleep even though its because I couldn't get my head in order last night and ended up having a panic attack at 1AM that led me to very unrestful sleep.



shocking how those coincide

This whole situation lead me to one simple question.
Is it karma, irony or coincidence? (or a manifestation of biblical proportion that only proves I'm some sort of sorcerer that can conjure up people when I least want them around me.)

Oh coincidental ironic karma... how you hate me being at peace, because now you know I'm going to sit an over think too much about big piles of poo...

I always wish I was more suave
That when I'm thrown into situations I don't want to be in I wish I could be so overly charming no one would ever notice how flustered I am - but sadly I'm the type of person that walks into the door frames or a walls when I'm in a bit of a tissy, or tired, or just in general because I'm texting...

grace is not my thing
so suave is out of the question

continuing my reading, and this isn't surprising to me because I've believed in reincarnation for as long as I can remember... (seriously, I think I was about 6 or 7 when I learned of it and it just made more sense to me than this "damnation" crap the church was peddling at my doorstep) the book clarifies that things we do not resolve in this life will be carried over to the next.

I understand this - but at the same time - CRAP ON A STICK! I don't want to deal with this again in this life time let alone another life time... 

Yes, it makes total sense, but COME ON.

That just adds to the coincidental ironic karmatic moment.



I wanted to resolve it, but was given a prompt - "there's the door" when I suggested it, and now I don't want to do anything with it - I just want it not around me so I can live in my oblivious state of whatever that I made up in the last year or so.

I mean, its one thing to realize that I've probably been a struggling writer for the last 15 lives I've had but that's just dressing in a life... but the idea of being intertwined with people that make me sad and hurt me, over and over, again and again - suddenly the churches "it's over when the old white saint sings" looks so damn appealing that I'm ready to chuck my book out the window and just get a job at the local mall... (ok, so I'm not willing to do that, but give a girl a break already...)

I'm going to say that the whole thing is just ironic because I don't really believe in coincidence and it doesn't fit the description of karma well enough... so it must just be irony...



how is it ironic - in it's simplest form - it was the totally opposite of what I wanted to happen...

I just wanted fruit and yogurt...

but no, I get wounds ripped open and failures thrown in my face.


oh well. 
life give you lemons, squeeze them in someone else's eyes!
That karma I'm willing to pay for...

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

twitter...







In general, I'm giving up having my twitter on this blog... turns out that some moron with no life feels it's more important to hack into blogger and twitter to post their random crap online than to, say, read a book.

Read a book.
It's worth your time.
Here's a few to check out:

Dharma Punx
Ender's Game
I am Legend (it's not like the movie. no, it's better)
Dark Knight Returns
Memoirs of a Geisha (kinda like the movie, but still better)
Count of Monte Cristo

That should get you started... (I think I covered a lot, spiritual, sci/fi, horror, comic trade, romance, general awesomeness)

I've had about 7 different ideas for tonight's entry, but I'm too tired to blog right now.
Hence my snarky comments about hackers.

When I'm not sleep I respect them
But go attack someone else please...

and then go get some sleep.
I want some sleep... mmmm... sleep.

good night.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Look how far you've come kiddo! Yes, I'm talking to myself again... it's the drugs :)

So, TV is back in session.
Yes, that's right - all those shows that keep us warm all winter long are now back on the air - mostly. That and the fact that my fantasy football team lost just makes me sad, mostly because it officially means that summer is over.

All of that and todays date.

Every year I do the same thing
Every year I try to embrace this
Every year I make it until it snows and then I start weeping like a virgin Mary statue
it really sucks
I hate winter more than words can say...

I was looking through this thing earlier, this here blog... it's just one of those things I like to do every now and again. Reread everything I've posted just to see if I sound as crazy as I feel most days, I'm happy to announce I don't seem that bad.
Over exaggeration
My brain is famously good at that...

But I just wanted to touch on some things. I figure I've been doing this death thing for about a month and a half now and I'm feeling good about it and heres why:

#1. My smoking and drinking are in check. I haven't quit, but I have it in control so I drink and smoke when I feel the need, not when I feel overwhelmed by life and think its the only thing that's going to make me "feel good" even though it never does. Plus the longer I do it the less and less I want to take part in it at all... (says the girl without the beer in her hand... sure I'll touch on this again on sunday when I'm hung over.)

#2. Same goes for sex. I'd elaborate, but don't feel like it. I've put myself in a bubble on this topic, meaning that I can only get to what's INSIDE the bubble... it's keeping me sane.
Surprisingly, this was a lot harder than the smoking and cigarette things

#3. Even when I have bad moments they are no longer over dramatic and if I ever raise my voice or get into an argument with anyone I make sure to fix it before the day is over. If I haven't, I feel terrible. There is no reason to leave arguments between you and someone you care about unresolved for more than an hour or so... Basically FTD will stay in business because I no longer want to be an asshole.
You're welcome FTD

#4. My need to be a vegetarian on the path to veganism is a positive thing in my life. I no longer wear leather or buy anything animal related.
Yes - this seems like an extreme, but it's the whole "put your money where your mouth is" kinda thing. No, I can't say this will be how I'll live my life for every last day of it, but for now it's what I need to do. And if you understand my obsession with shoes and fashion, you'll understand that this is a very big thing for me.

#5. When I say I don't care what other people are saying, for the first time in my life I mean it. I don't. I also don't participate in gossip that much these days.
I don't have an opinion, and over all most of what I hear is not that interesting, its just someone else being raked over the coals and since I've been there I won't be part of that. People who don't like you because they are any number of unreasonable emotions are a waste of time. There is too much life to live, too many people who need my help and too many people who love me for who I am to be concentrating on people who don't understand me and refuse to try simply because I'm not like them.

#6. Back to the vegetarian/vegan thing - I think that if more people understood what they were doing they would join this crusade with me. It's kind of like the Walmart thing.
Yes - it's cheaper for you, but at what cost? In the end you're just making Sam Walden and his family richer and putting your friends and family out on the street without insurance or decent wages. And why? Because you saved a buck.
I'd still rather pay too much and know I didn't make a single mom in Souther Ohio Homeless.

#7. I'm done being preaching ;)

Yes, there are still days when I retrograde back a step or two but I no longer feel like my world will collapse around my ears if this happens. It's a nice feeling.

So I'm going to keep going.

Outside of my mid-life change of events the only other things that are new that are wonderful, I had the opportunity to reconnect with a wonderful woman I was friends with years ago. She moved out of state and we just kind of lost touch, I'm happy to be back in touch with her.

Thank you Facebook!

I also realize that if my iPhone was a man I'd marry it and live happily ever after.
Seriously. All you people who don't have iPhones, I'm sorry, it's the greatest thing EVER. So much fun I can't even stand it.

And as I started off saying, my Fantasy Football team lost this week, but I look at it this way. I've won at least one game - which means I'm doing better than the Browns...
Sorry Browns, does anyone else think that Mangini may be 3 steps shy of becoming that "crazy" guy you avoid at parties? It's like the lights are on, but no ones home and even if they were, you wouldn't want to go to THAT house and get candy at halloween... oh no you wouldn't...

This is the end of my excessive blogging...
for now...
here's hoping I can sleep!

good night

good by summer, and sanity...


Normally Monday is the day that I come on here and write, long winded for many, many pages. I start early so that I'm alone, and I don't mean "by myself" I mean that the house is empty save me and two cats and I can take my very own thoughts and run with them, never wondering - in the back of my head - when I will be interpreted by bathroom breaks or needs for food.

It's one of those things that I love about my life.

Today was not my normal Monday. Today involved cleaning and socializing. Two things that need to be done from time to time, and it's a good thing - too much time alone and I start getting way to "deep" as I'm sure you've noticed.

Even thought I like being "deep."
I really do.
I just think about things waay too much - it's my curse.
It's one of many curses - but probably the most prevalent one that causes strife in my life.

I need a boost.
I realized that yesterday. I need something to re-energize me. I'm hoping that it's tonight. My class tonight is a tough and good one that kicks me in the butt and makes me want to work harder at this. I'm very excited for my new life to come.
And it's not that the bridge is too long
It's that it's more of a faux art structure and the stability of it is an issue.

Uncertainty is a part of life, but that doesn't mean I have to like it so much...

Damn I hate money and I hate having money issues.
I hate that I won't have a job soon and that I have to dish out all this cash before hand - I'm getting ready to sell a kidney just to insure my kid won't ever be hungry...

I tell myself it will pass
I KNOW it will pass
I KNOW that one day it will all be stable and good - and then I start to worry again...

So then I come on here - and I write. Or I go into my hall and I do yoga and then I stop and try to meditate but my brain is a warehouse for negative garbage, sitting in piles mocking me...

I don't feel very clever because I feel if I was I wouldn't be in this situation
And then I remember everything else, those outside forced that I have no control over that have also helped us get here, but I still like to punish myself, the sadist that I am. (which is troubling two fold, mostly because I do feel slightly gratified by causing pain on myself... I'm sure MTV has a show about people like that. "True Life - I'm an Idiot")

In my moments of clarity
I stop and sigh
Airy hope surrounding me, keeping me moving

Fleeting at best
Just like summer.

 tomorrow is the first day of Fall.

My classes start soon.

And then what?
only time will tell...

Sunday, September 20, 2009

patience



please stop me from talking
nervously
with nothing to say
it's a front
a shell
of words
barricade built
very well mind you
very well indeed

is it the weather
or the month
or the number
I don't know
It could be the food
or lack there of
I just don't know

I "need" keeps popping in my head
but what follows
are lies
wrong column
they should be in "want"

Just like praying
I pray
I wish
same thing
shouldn't be
but it is

patience
patience
patience

something I remind myself
of right now
this very second

patience
patience
patience

Its funny how I have so much to say
when I should stay silent
but when I should speak fast
my lips are sealed

this is me
in jest
slow torture

and still I don't stop

it all moves too fast sometimes
way too fast
so I'll sleep
and I pray for a dream
and tomorrow I'll get back on track

eat
study
clean
write
communicate
collaborate
cook
practice
kiss
hug
write

and then I'll sleep...

but for this moment
I'm going to sit here
silently
listening to the rain
smelling the air

not thinking
not anything
never again

well
not until
the next time

42


Douglas Adams

"Six by Nine. Forty Two."
"That's it. That's all there is."
"I always thought there was something fundamentally wrong with the universe."

Brilliant.
Yes. That is what I think EVERY time I hear the number 42. That and how I wish I owned the Heart of Gold.


Saturday, September 19, 2009

Art, museums and all that smushy love stuff us girls love to talk about...



I've always wished that I was an artist.
A painter, designer, a person who could take nothing and create something so beautiful it could transport me into another world. I always envied people who could pick up nothing but a brush and create landscapes or images that stirred my heart.



What a gift.

When I went through my divorce I spent nearly all of my free time at the Cleveland art museum. It became my refuge, my church. The only place I found solace in a time in my life there was nothing but strife.

I went to that museum so often and sat in front of the same paintings for so long I could navigate through the coridors blindfolded and land on the bench in front of every painted image that caused my heart to sigh.



Fredrick Church's "Twilight in the Wilderness" is my favorite painting of all time. I'm sure it seems common, just another landscape, but when you see it in person... twilight is one of the most mystical moments of the day and he captured it perfectly.


My favorite painting as a child was called Romaine Lacaux and was created by Pierre Auguste Renior. I have a copy of the painting that is, sadly, collecting dust in my attic. She was so pretty and I just wanted to be pretty like her. But I always wore pants and was covered in dirt... 


Lot's Wife by Anselm Kiefer is another great piece and all the Egyptian, Islamic, and Asian collections.




Awe. That is probably the only word that seems appropriate to describe what I feel when I looked at these things.
I yearned to be that talented. That brave. That everything that those paintings stood for to me, in me, by me.

But I never had it in me.
Every few years I try. Futile as it is, I do again and again. 

And each time I see these images in my head and I can't ever make them out on canvas.
What comes out is nothing more than childish scribbles and in the end a mishap I throw away because it's mostly just embarrassing.

Photography was the closest I made it in a visual medium and maybe clay - sculpting. I was decent at that.

But the only paintbrush I was ever meant to use was actually a pen and my paint is ink.



Yet still, I still long for the ability to look into myself and see something filled with color and texture or the perfect portrait but that was never my destiny I suppose, but that doesn't mean that I can't dream. 


When I was little I used to draw all the time.
I even won a few contests for random weird images I had created.
I figure that's where the delusion was born that one day I'd become some world renowned painter. 
Ahh... look out Monet, Piccaso, and Van Gogh... I even changed the spelling of my name so it would add a bit of flair to my pieces.


It has added flair to my life. My parents get comments on how creative they were to pick the spelling they did.
I let them have the gratitude - I figure they had to deal with me as a teenager - the least I can do is give them credit for my name. (even though I was an angel so they don't need more than that ;) )


I took my son to the art museum for the first time last week. Mostly he was great. Yes, he did realize that the place echoed and if he squeaked it went on for a while and then there was how he was eyeing the floor, as if saying to me "Mom, do you see these floors. I mean, DO YOU SEE these floors? I could crawl for miles and MILES!"  I just laughed, hummed to him a bit and then took him outside to look at the sky.


Baby steps.


Now, I don't want you to get me wrong. I'm not ungrateful for the gifts I have.
I love them
I want to do more with them
But it's just one of those things.
To me painting was and still is something perfectly emotional and even romantic.
To capture a moment in time and have that moment take you months to complete. To see where you start and how it looks when you're done. To be able to stand in front of a finished canvas as see an entire store in one little spot...
There is something just so naked about it
In words I can still hide - idioms and soliloquy -  taking that beating of my heart and using three pages of words to tell you all I'm trying to say is that my heart feels love - loved - in love - mad - angry - hatred... peace.


How much they are the same
How still they remain completely divided and different


All art really is in the end is another way to convey to the world that we all have many layers of emotions.
Maybe I can't paint, and I may find that a travesty, but in the end I am still an artist - and for that I am grateful.


time to dream







Friday, September 18, 2009

random stuff


I think in life, everything you need is presented to you when you need it.
The tough thing is knowing what you need rather than what you want.
There are a lot of things that I want
but then
such is life

I'm very tired today. I slept on my couch last night hoping my son would sleep too, but just in case I left the room to my hubby so he could at least have one night of rest.
My son didn't oblige
And then my cats decided that start Feline WWIII in my living room (partly on me)
Tired - fun
I even napped and then went to yoga
which was AWESOME
Totally popped some vertebrae that have been bothering me all week
Yes - twisted eagle pose on your back is rad
And also sounds like an 80's hair metal band - TONIGHT! TWISTED EAGLE POSE!!
Then did some other stuff - made some homemade sauce with the rest of the garden tomatoes - bought some  organic stuff - hung out with the family.

Tomorrow I have a writing contest. It starts at noon and goes till noon the next day. I'm excited and perplexed - why?
GOOD QUESTION!
Because any other Saturday and I have nothing - this Saturday I have this contest, one of my friends is having a yoga class, right at noon, at her own spot (first time ever) and then I was invited to a meeting about a possible television writing gig...

sigh

you ask for one gift - then you get three
ALL AT THE SAME TIME!

I can do this... I can do this...

I'm going to go look for other contests and writing gigs to chase after and study a little.

And in closing - this is totally random...
Years ago I saw this weird movie called "Curdled"
Every now and then it pops into my head... if you ever have a chance to see it, let me know what you think. It's weird and all about this woman's obsession with death.
I was once told that the woman who place the cab driver in Pulp Fiction (Esmarelda Villalobos) - that Curdled was supposed to be "her story" - personally I think that whom ever told me that realized the same actress played both parts...

Either way - it's a cool movie in a weird way!

I hope everyone has a great night!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

A Technicolor Life





The one topic I like to come back to all the time is fear.

I think that it runs our lives and we don't even know it. Or we do know it and we simply accept it.
It's easy to be afraid of things. Afraid of failure. Afraid of change.

For me it's fear of failure.
That is one force that seems to drive every member of my family. Well, most of my family. But seeing that I can't speak for others, for me it's a big thing.

On my little list of regrets that I posted a while back, I wrote one word "Edinburgh" that is one of the few things I do regret. I met this nice boy outside of a theater I was at, his name was Noah. We had a cigarette together (may give you cancer but it's a great way to meet new people) and after a bit of time he invited me to go to Edinburgh with him.

I didn't. I did the safe responsible thing and I came back here.
I've always wished I wouldn't have.
I was 19 years old - I could have seen the world and I came back here.

Safe is just safe - if nothing happens to you than NOTHING happens to you. I hate that I made that decision all those years ago.

Fine, maybe he was a killer or something bad could have happened to me. Those are just things to justify that I was to afraid to do it - and what did I get? Another several years of high school - at least thats how it felt.

Well, I can't change that. You can't change the past no matter how much you wish you could. You can stew on it, which I don't want to do either - I've done that long enough - but now I like to look at that situation as motivation to NOT do that again. Not let fear grab ahold of me and cause me to do things out of fear.

That's how I'm addressing this yoga portion of my life.

There is a big side of yoga that is very spiritual. It involves chanting and praying and meditating. These are the things I leave out on here when I blog or out there when I talk to people about it. I don't feel like dealing with the looks I'm know I'm surly going to get when I tell people I get to chant different things in sanskrit. The general population of this judeo-christian culture we have all been raised in looks at this as weird and hippy-ish. They dismiss it as something people do in cults and make fun of the people who partake because they are "weird" and "different."

Falling back, once again, into the middle-school/high-school mentality, to make fun of something you don't understand simply because it makes you uncomfortable to be around something that isn't just like you.

(We all do that. I'm just as guilty as the next person. You have to be very conscience of yourself NOT to do things like that, and that is a hard lesson to learn too.)

But the chanting and the meditation - I like it.
Yes, it feels weird to sit with your legs folded, butt on a blanket, hands in prayer at your heart, head slightly bowed down chanting in a monotone voice words that you aren't even sure you are saying correctly - but I still love it. Same with meditation.

For years - YEARS - I've been put on drug after drug after drug to help me sleep because my brain never (and I mean NEVER) shuts off. The stress and anxiety from sleeping alone has always been terrible and I've always hated it. Then it was 10x worse when I had my son, because we were never on the same schedule and I started to average 4 or 5 hours of sleep a week.

Ever since I've started my meditation practice, I don't have these issues any more.
Meditation teaches you how to let thoughts come in and then leave your brain in a non obtrusive manor. So they don't assault you into different emotions that do nothing but disrupt your life.

But still, I don't feel comfortable telling people that to their face. (computer = safe)
I live in fear that they're (you're) going to judge me - because I know they (you) will. I know the world I've surrounded myself with doesn't tolerate much of this type of thing.
These are the people I've made fun of for many years, so in a way I deserve this paranoia because I've created it.

How true is that about so many things in our lives?
We suffer because we created uncomplimentary conditions that do nothing but disrupt our lives, causing us more strife and stress...
We lie about things we believe, like or love because we think we're protecting ourselves from other people mocking our tastes when all we're doing is hiding from ourselves. We grow up in a world, in a Western Society that dictates to us what we should be doing and when we should be doing it - then when we don't reach those lofty goals we punish ourselves exorbitantly.

Proof of this? High School reunions.
High School reunions are more fictitious than Halloween.
What is wrong with what we have? Even if what we have is meditation, chanting and inverted poses? - (Because like I tell my son, "Every things better when it's upside down.")

When you allow yourself to stop playing the game and attempting to cram yourself into the stereotype that the world feels most comfortable seeing you in, suddenly you start to see all the wonderful and overly positive things that are around you. And you get to see yourself - in technicolor!

When you stop living in the fear that you're going to fail, get hurt, let someone you love down, you start to be able to live your life - what ever that life is - in a happy manner.

And we all know this.
It's littered all over the place. Books, movies, television.
To Kill a Mocking Bird - the entire town lived in fear and killed an innocent man because one woman couldn't say - "It wasn't him. It was my husband."
The entire theme of Strictly Ballroom is fear. "A life lived in fear is a life half lived."
And television - I watched two different shows that fear was the underlining commentary.

So why do we do it?

Safe.
Easy.
10,000 other reasons/excuses that we could all manifest to justify living in fear.

"It was a different time." <- that's a good one I hear way too often.

You're mother would say to you, "If so-and-so jumped off a bridge, would you?"
I hope to think your answer would be no.

But that's why I come back here, back to this topic, over and over in my head.
Because sometimes, when I'm low and tired and I just don't know if the fight in me can take much more - I think I would jump off that bridge.

It may not be right or what I want at all, but it's easy and when people spoke my name it would be tied to another and I wouldn't be alone. Because doing your own thing sometimes means you're alone.

I never want to live in fear
And I want to do all the scary things in this world
I want to find my everest and I want to climb it blindly, and then one day when I get to the top - earnest and comfortable I want to be able to look people in the face and say - I chant in sanskrit and I meditate and you should try it too - why? When you take 20 minutes to see what's in side of you and then you take care of all of that - you're not the only thing in technicolor - the whole world is.

Fear is only good for the adrealine it pumps through you
Otherwise, it's a time waster...

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

hindsight


The signs are everywhere.
At least in hindsight.
It makes me want to kick myself when I notice all of them
Lined up in a row
Like targets
At a shooting range

You can say the words
But they won't work unless you believe them
Belief
More curious and strong than an altoid

There are thousands of illnesses
that are simply derived by people
who take up all their time and believe in them

If you believe in it enough
It's true
No matter what anyone else
tells you

When I look around
at the filtered memories of my life
and notice the flashes in the pan
things that were there that I ignored
brushed off
turned away from
or just simply missed because I was just "too busy" doing nothing at all
I can now laugh at myself

It's like when I'm doing yoga
It's the one place where I can fall
literally
on my face and it doesn't bother me at all
It doesn't
I just get back up
and start over again

and when I'm scared
and the fear is holding tight
I feel like I could choke
and I can't breath
the sweat starts to pour down my face
and I keep thinking about everything that could go wrong
then I get really pissed off
and I do the hand stand

the signs are everywhere
that I'm supposed to be here
that I was always meant to be here
and maybe I took the long road
or maybe the road is just perfect

that's one of those things
that I'll learn
in hindsight
five years from now...

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Wanna hear a dirty joke? Two pigs fall into the mud - three come out! ZING!



Back in the late 70s, early 80s my father worked for the government.

They said to fight the man, but no, my dad worked for him!

It really wasn't all that bad. In that time period, just after the Jimmy Carter push for equal housing rights for all, my dad worked to implement those rights.

It was a different time back then. The Carter administraton sought to help the little man, kinda like Obama, and the general public made fun if him... kinda like Obama...

But everything was different then. The environment at the work place was saturated with a dense cloud of cigarette smoke, sexual harassment seminars weren't around yet and the 'battle of the sexes' was in full play.

Even in a government setting.

My dad worked with this guy who always told the best jokes (keep in mind I was 8) and I grew up in a family where no subject was taboo - so I got to hear ALL the jokes.

Even the dirty ones.

There was one that always stuck with me. Well... kinda stuck with me... I remember the general principle of the joke - actually it was a political joke not a "dirty" one, but summed up it was about how men will tell anyone who will listen about banging their wives, but ask them their political views and their lips are sealed.



"I don't think I should say anything. That's personal."

But it's true.
Most days.



Like I said, in my house we never had any sort of taboo about sex. I've had conversations about sex with nearly every single person I've ever met. I don't shy away from any topic - why would I start here.


I've always hated how people make it seem like a bad thing, or it's "this" or "that". Kinda like talking in the art museum - people treat the place like a church. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't - but you should be able to talk at a normal level without being shushed. Just like you should be able to talk about sex and not get - "Oh -A... [insert any number of bullshit comments here.]"


Over the last few months I've begun to not talk about this topic. Making it even more taboo than it ever deserves to be. Why? Criticism I suppose. 


Let me be frank. It's is natural and normal and I like it. I don't feel bad for liking it or think there is something wrong with me because I like it. Yes, I'm not the most typical "girl" out there - but it's not like I'm the only female out there like me. One of my guy friends called me a nympho - I simply said we all have our crosses to bear - that's mine. 


My husband asked me once what I would do if he stopped putting out. I gave him options:
#1 - I would stay with him, but he would have to accept the fact that I would take a lover
#2 - I'd leave. 


He was mad.
I told him that he needed to stop and look at what he had just asked me for. 
Why would you ever ask that of me? I would never ask that of you.
No. Sex does not, in any way, equal love, but that doesn't mean I should love sex any less. 


Due to me being me - and seeing that I've always had more male friends than female friends just added to this. I'm not timid when it comes to the conversation portion of the night that includes commentary about anything sexual - I don't hold punches - sometimes too much. This has gotten me into many bad situations because some people out there think that since I can speak freely it's an open invitation.


Nope. Wrong again.


People have called me a lot of name, made a lot of comments and frankly I don't care. They've told me that I'm naive about this topic because I speak like this. I also don't agree with that comment. I think the reason the topic feels naive, taboo, or scary is because we treat it like the damn bubble boy. 
It's sad that even in the 21st Century that it's still the same. If a guy tells you he's had sex with 25 different women, he's a god and if a woman says the same - she's still a slut.


If a woman is the pursuer she's "controlling" but if it's the guy... then he's the head of the household. 


I am me. 
Yes, I've made some adjustments over the past few months to deal with things better and to not be so "on" all the time. But still. I'll never understand how anyone can go more than a few days without sex.


What the hell.
That's like living your entire life without eating cotton candy
going to Coney Island
Seeing the Eiffel Tower
And you know what? Oh, it's free! FREE! (for some of us...)


That's like only eating corn flakes every day for the rest of your life. And not even Kelloggs - like that generic crap that gets super soggy in milk. 


I have all these books to read for my yoga class and on top of that I've read a few Buddhist related topics. The Buddha told his followers that sex is complicated and it can bring pain. That the only way to stay away from that pain is to just avoid sex - to give it all up. 
If you give it up it's not there to muddle up things like, your judgement, your mind, or you in general.
Yes. Sex is complicated.
You bring it into any relationship, even ones that you know are just for that small amount of time - and it changes things - but no way.


I'll give up honey
I'll give up wealth
I'll give up shopping, gossip, television, you name it
I won't ever give up sex
And right now, I don't know why I decided to not talk about it any more.


Oh that's right! Because I'm an idiot.


Humanity - sucking the life out of us from the moment we're born.


Everyone always says men and women are so different.
No we're not.
It's just like the sex thing - we've been telling each other that for so long now that we just believe it. The biggest issue with anyone in any sort of relationship is communication.


(With how much I talk I shouldn't have any problems! Ha! kidding... but honestly.)
Who doesn't like sex? Chances are you're just communicating wrong.


sigh... 


All those people who think its bad someone can't grasp it's the very reason they're here...