Monday, September 21, 2009
good by summer, and sanity...
Normally Monday is the day that I come on here and write, long winded for many, many pages. I start early so that I'm alone, and I don't mean "by myself" I mean that the house is empty save me and two cats and I can take my very own thoughts and run with them, never wondering - in the back of my head - when I will be interpreted by bathroom breaks or needs for food.
It's one of those things that I love about my life.
Today was not my normal Monday. Today involved cleaning and socializing. Two things that need to be done from time to time, and it's a good thing - too much time alone and I start getting way to "deep" as I'm sure you've noticed.
Even thought I like being "deep."
I really do.
I just think about things waay too much - it's my curse.
It's one of many curses - but probably the most prevalent one that causes strife in my life.
I need a boost.
I realized that yesterday. I need something to re-energize me. I'm hoping that it's tonight. My class tonight is a tough and good one that kicks me in the butt and makes me want to work harder at this. I'm very excited for my new life to come.
And it's not that the bridge is too long
It's that it's more of a faux art structure and the stability of it is an issue.
Uncertainty is a part of life, but that doesn't mean I have to like it so much...
Damn I hate money and I hate having money issues.
I hate that I won't have a job soon and that I have to dish out all this cash before hand - I'm getting ready to sell a kidney just to insure my kid won't ever be hungry...
I tell myself it will pass
I KNOW it will pass
I KNOW that one day it will all be stable and good - and then I start to worry again...
So then I come on here - and I write. Or I go into my hall and I do yoga and then I stop and try to meditate but my brain is a warehouse for negative garbage, sitting in piles mocking me...
I don't feel very clever because I feel if I was I wouldn't be in this situation
And then I remember everything else, those outside forced that I have no control over that have also helped us get here, but I still like to punish myself, the sadist that I am. (which is troubling two fold, mostly because I do feel slightly gratified by causing pain on myself... I'm sure MTV has a show about people like that. "True Life - I'm an Idiot")
In my moments of clarity
I stop and sigh
Airy hope surrounding me, keeping me moving
Fleeting at best
Just like summer.
tomorrow is the first day of Fall.
My classes start soon.
And then what?
only time will tell...