Monday, September 7, 2009

Humility - and the final death of ego... well, hopefully!


I messed up my ankle over the weekend.
To sum it up, drunken head stands = bad idea... but for some reason at the time I thought it was brilliant.
Now, I don't think it was that brilliant after all - hindsight

I'm sure I'll walk it off, I have to - time stops for no one, let alone me - so let the walking begin!

Today was a nice positive one, filled with long walks and friendly BBQs, Labor Day really is my favorite American holiday. Memorial Day is too cold and the 4th of July is filled with too many parties.
While I love a good party
The idea of running around on a day known for drinking and fireworks - I prefer to remain close to my house.

There is a sort of simplicity in a good BBQ.
Good food, good friends = a good time. My son decided to show off his crawling techniques, which impressed everyone, but mostly me seeing he likes to (normally) take 2 whole crawling steps and then revert back to his ever so cleaver head inch worm approach to life. But today as we sat on the floor in my friends new living room, he spotted my purse across the way and went for it. And then dragged it back to me without turning around, he just pulled it towards him and then scooted an inch or two back and then repeated the motion - it was really cute.

And I didn't drink or smoke - woohoo!

So, cute baby moment and no booze or cigarettes!

Next thing you know I'll be slaying all my Goliath's!

With Labor Day over, I find myself starting to mentally prepare for the fall/winter season. The holidays are approaching and I'm attempting to use all of this stuff I'm doing in order to have a nice holiday season... but in general I'm not a fan of the holidays... too much pressure. Over all I'd much rather go on vacation for both Thanksgiving and Christmas and then come back to the world some time around January 3rd.

It's not as bah humbug as you may think - there is a lot of pressure, which only increased with the child. I just like things simple, I don't understand why there needs to be all of this fanfare. That's not what the holidays signify to me - but then again I feel you should say "I love you" every day to all those who you care about, even if they don't say it back.

Mostly simple holidays are a myth in my life - sounds cruel, but its true. People use the holidays to "show" how much they care and frankly, I'm very sick of objects.
People tell me I'm impossible to buy for, so I say then don't get me anything. Just say Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays and move one. (and I feel the same about my birthday, it's just a day)

I'm hoping this holiday season won't be filled with as much dread as previous ones. They're always filled with dread. I hate it so much. I tend to make myself physically sick during the holiday season - I never do anything right, so I just stopped trying.

I like to think between studying, school, trying to find a part-time job and spending time with my son and my husband I won't have time to dwell on it - but it's never that easy.

It's all about letting go:
Letting go of the past - but embracing who it made me into
Letting go of the people that harm me - even though I may still care
Letting go of the mundane things that weigh me down, like objects that make me happy for 2.3 seconds and then are just objects that are taking up space in my ever so cluttered home.
Letting go of it all

I can't sit here and tell you that I'm never going to have a cigarette or a beer again - because that is a lie - but I need to get to a point where it doesn't, well, where I don't start doing headstands in my backyard at midnight.

I can't say I'm not going to have conversations with people who have harmed me - because not being a jerk is equally important - and if I just be blatantly rude what makes me better than them? (not that I'm striving to be better than anyone other than myself, just that sometimes fighting fire with fire proves nothing outside of everyone getting burned)

I can't sit here and say I'll never just buy something because I want it - but I can say I'll try to streamline the things that I get - because who really needs 3 pairs of boots that I never wear?

All I can do is try to remove these things - change the juxtaposition to my life - so that their importance isn't so prevalent - no longer major players, just moments in time.

Social smoker/drinker, social conversationalist, a treat every now and then - but not get so mad at myself for it. Which I do every time.

On days like today, which are so wonderful, it all seems possible.
When people help by encouraging me to keep at this, even though at times I feel very silly - I still can't just talk about it. I tried on Saturday night and failed poorly - I think I just said, "I'm sorry" after every other word that was coming out of my mouth...

I don't know what I was sorry about - but I drove the point right on home...

Digression - it comes with such ease that most times I feel like I am the jester in my own perverse courtly play - but at least I tried. The next time will be easier and then easier until I can just speak clearly without apologizing for existing, when I'm not sorry for that at all.

Simplicity in humility.

But still - cheers to a wonderful holiday. I hope the past doesn't reflect the future and all the holidays approaching will be as wonderful.

For all of us!

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