"A life lived in fear is a life half-lived." ~Spanish Proverb
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Sneaky little life
I have to say I'm a tad bit lost today... It's not that today was bad, but it was busy, that is my life from here on out. There is too much to do and no time to do it in most days anymore I just feel overly flustered, slightly lazy, a bit bored (weird) and tired but I keep trucking
October 9th is closing in and I have the first portion of my tuition put together for my classes Four of my books are sitting downstairs to be read - that's where I'm at right now - studying, taking notes I've missed most of my weeknight classes in the last week - sickness and my baby put a stop to them - but I'm not complaining, I didn't skip to watch television.
No, life is bigger than television (don't tell my other blog that...)
The preparations for my son's first birthday are coming together. Plates, cups, table cloths and a vegan cake are all ready to go. The next day I have, here's hoping, my first writing group - maybe - this tends to go by the way side and I'm not sure if anyone is still interested these days.
The holidays are on the horizon October is jam packed with so much to do Birthdays, class, Halloween, Horseback Riding, Tailgating, Football and Fantasy Football, finishing my tattoo - I don't think there are many days I don't have something going on. Every weekend is filled Its going to go by so fast I won't even know it happened... Then it's November and Thanksgiving... Christmas... New Years... 2010 - remember the Y2K scare? Yeah, me too.
This year is almost over and I'm not sure I know my ass from my head, right now at least. I have these moments when I think of a conversation I've had with someone and then realize that conversation was over a year and a half ago.
Today I missed my old life That was weird I missed drinking and playing shows - I don't miss those things on a normal day. Not even a little. I think its this weather. When it gets cool outside like this I think of days long gone when my week was filled with band practices started up with and followed up by stops at a bar I told my husband I was going to drink tonight I ended up having a glass of sparkling water
When I was pregnant I used to get cranberry and soda with a twist of lime I wish I had that... actually, I think I do have that in the house - lol - totally by chance...
Most days I accept it all for what it is I remind myself of what I think things really are (they may not be that way, but it helps me to file things away properly so I can move forward) Then that scent on the breeze hits me Yes, it's just the smell of organic death... but fall has always been my favorite season so when I smell those leaves composting into something that will make spring nearly too green, my mind wanders back to this time of year over the last 30+ years of my life.
I'm sad because this year it will all be different regardless
I'm an advocate of change - I really am Growth is important to me, it always has been, it's just who I am But sometimes I miss that warm blanket I used to cherish, that past But the blanket is like the Velveteen rabbit and no matter how much I loved it, it has to go to a different place, a place that doesn't involve me.
All the signs point to me being on the right path My gut agrees Then I second guess myself I shouldn't do that - when I follow my gut I'm right nearly 95% of the time
I don't like being right
This is what I look like when I think too much
Tomorrow I will play, cook and sing Study, dance, cuddle and write I will practice and talk and get past here
but for now silent torture and definitely a nice mug of hot coco