Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Sneaky little life






I have to say I'm a tad bit lost today... It's not that today was bad, but it was busy, that is my life from here on out. 
There is too much to do and no time to do it in
most days anymore I just feel overly flustered, slightly lazy, a bit bored (weird) and tired
but I keep trucking


October 9th is closing in and I have the first portion of my tuition put together for my classes
Four of my books are sitting downstairs to be read - that's where I'm at right now - studying, taking notes
I've missed most of my weeknight classes in the last week - sickness and my baby put a stop to them - but I'm not complaining, I didn't skip to watch television. 


No, life is bigger than television (don't tell my other blog that...)


The preparations for my son's first birthday are coming together. Plates, cups, table cloths and a vegan cake are all ready to go. The next day I have, here's hoping, my first writing group - maybe - this tends to go by the way side and I'm not sure if anyone is still interested these days.


The holidays are on the horizon
October is jam packed with so much to do
Birthdays, class, Halloween, Horseback Riding, Tailgating, Football and Fantasy Football, finishing my tattoo - I don't think there are many days I don't have something going on.
Every weekend is filled
Its going to go by so fast I won't even know it happened...
Then it's November and Thanksgiving... Christmas... New Years... 2010 - remember the Y2K scare? Yeah, me too.


This year is almost over and I'm not sure I know my ass from my head, right now at least. I have these moments when I think of a conversation I've had with someone and then realize that conversation was over a year and a half ago.


Today I missed my old life
That was weird
I missed drinking and playing shows - I don't miss those things on a normal day. Not even a little.
I think its this weather.
When it gets cool outside like this I think of days long gone when my week was filled with band practices started up with and followed up by stops at a bar
I told my husband I was going to drink tonight
I ended up having a glass of sparkling water


When I was pregnant I used to get cranberry and soda with a twist of lime
I wish I had that...
actually, I think I do have that in the house - lol - totally by chance...


Most days I accept it all for what it is
I remind myself of what I think things really are 
(they may not be that way, but it helps me to file things away properly so I can move forward)
Then that scent on the breeze hits me
Yes, it's just the smell of organic death... but fall has always been my favorite season so when I smell those leaves composting into something that will make spring nearly too green, my mind wanders back to this time of year over the last 30+ years of my life.


I'm sad because this year it will all be different
regardless


I'm an advocate of change - I really am
Growth is important to me, it always has been, it's just who I am
But sometimes I miss that warm blanket I used to cherish, that past
But the blanket is like the Velveteen rabbit and no matter how much I loved it, it has to go to a different place, a place that doesn't involve me. 


All the signs point to me being on the right path
My gut agrees
Then I second guess myself
I shouldn't do that - when I follow my gut I'm right nearly 95% of the time


I don't like being right 


This is what I look like when I think too much


Tomorrow I will play, cook and sing
Study, dance, cuddle and write
I will practice and talk and get past here


but for now
silent torture
and definitely a nice mug 
of hot coco









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