Thursday, September 17, 2009
A Technicolor Life
The one topic I like to come back to all the time is fear.
I think that it runs our lives and we don't even know it. Or we do know it and we simply accept it.
It's easy to be afraid of things. Afraid of failure. Afraid of change.
For me it's fear of failure.
That is one force that seems to drive every member of my family. Well, most of my family. But seeing that I can't speak for others, for me it's a big thing.
On my little list of regrets that I posted a while back, I wrote one word "Edinburgh" that is one of the few things I do regret. I met this nice boy outside of a theater I was at, his name was Noah. We had a cigarette together (may give you cancer but it's a great way to meet new people) and after a bit of time he invited me to go to Edinburgh with him.
I didn't. I did the safe responsible thing and I came back here.
I've always wished I wouldn't have.
I was 19 years old - I could have seen the world and I came back here.
Safe is just safe - if nothing happens to you than NOTHING happens to you. I hate that I made that decision all those years ago.
Fine, maybe he was a killer or something bad could have happened to me. Those are just things to justify that I was to afraid to do it - and what did I get? Another several years of high school - at least thats how it felt.
Well, I can't change that. You can't change the past no matter how much you wish you could. You can stew on it, which I don't want to do either - I've done that long enough - but now I like to look at that situation as motivation to NOT do that again. Not let fear grab ahold of me and cause me to do things out of fear.
That's how I'm addressing this yoga portion of my life.
There is a big side of yoga that is very spiritual. It involves chanting and praying and meditating. These are the things I leave out on here when I blog or out there when I talk to people about it. I don't feel like dealing with the looks I'm know I'm surly going to get when I tell people I get to chant different things in sanskrit. The general population of this judeo-christian culture we have all been raised in looks at this as weird and hippy-ish. They dismiss it as something people do in cults and make fun of the people who partake because they are "weird" and "different."
Falling back, once again, into the middle-school/high-school mentality, to make fun of something you don't understand simply because it makes you uncomfortable to be around something that isn't just like you.
(We all do that. I'm just as guilty as the next person. You have to be very conscience of yourself NOT to do things like that, and that is a hard lesson to learn too.)
But the chanting and the meditation - I like it.
Yes, it feels weird to sit with your legs folded, butt on a blanket, hands in prayer at your heart, head slightly bowed down chanting in a monotone voice words that you aren't even sure you are saying correctly - but I still love it. Same with meditation.
For years - YEARS - I've been put on drug after drug after drug to help me sleep because my brain never (and I mean NEVER) shuts off. The stress and anxiety from sleeping alone has always been terrible and I've always hated it. Then it was 10x worse when I had my son, because we were never on the same schedule and I started to average 4 or 5 hours of sleep a week.
Ever since I've started my meditation practice, I don't have these issues any more.
Meditation teaches you how to let thoughts come in and then leave your brain in a non obtrusive manor. So they don't assault you into different emotions that do nothing but disrupt your life.
But still, I don't feel comfortable telling people that to their face. (computer = safe)
I live in fear that they're (you're) going to judge me - because I know they (you) will. I know the world I've surrounded myself with doesn't tolerate much of this type of thing.
These are the people I've made fun of for many years, so in a way I deserve this paranoia because I've created it.
How true is that about so many things in our lives?
We suffer because we created uncomplimentary conditions that do nothing but disrupt our lives, causing us more strife and stress...
We lie about things we believe, like or love because we think we're protecting ourselves from other people mocking our tastes when all we're doing is hiding from ourselves. We grow up in a world, in a Western Society that dictates to us what we should be doing and when we should be doing it - then when we don't reach those lofty goals we punish ourselves exorbitantly.
Proof of this? High School reunions.
High School reunions are more fictitious than Halloween.
What is wrong with what we have? Even if what we have is meditation, chanting and inverted poses? - (Because like I tell my son, "Every things better when it's upside down.")
When you allow yourself to stop playing the game and attempting to cram yourself into the stereotype that the world feels most comfortable seeing you in, suddenly you start to see all the wonderful and overly positive things that are around you. And you get to see yourself - in technicolor!
When you stop living in the fear that you're going to fail, get hurt, let someone you love down, you start to be able to live your life - what ever that life is - in a happy manner.
And we all know this.
It's littered all over the place. Books, movies, television.
To Kill a Mocking Bird - the entire town lived in fear and killed an innocent man because one woman couldn't say - "It wasn't him. It was my husband."
The entire theme of Strictly Ballroom is fear. "A life lived in fear is a life half lived."
And television - I watched two different shows that fear was the underlining commentary.
So why do we do it?
10,000 other reasons/excuses that we could all manifest to justify living in fear.
"It was a different time." <- that's a good one I hear way too often.
You're mother would say to you, "If so-and-so jumped off a bridge, would you?"
I hope to think your answer would be no.
But that's why I come back here, back to this topic, over and over in my head.
Because sometimes, when I'm low and tired and I just don't know if the fight in me can take much more - I think I would jump off that bridge.
It may not be right or what I want at all, but it's easy and when people spoke my name it would be tied to another and I wouldn't be alone. Because doing your own thing sometimes means you're alone.
I never want to live in fear
And I want to do all the scary things in this world
I want to find my everest and I want to climb it blindly, and then one day when I get to the top - earnest and comfortable I want to be able to look people in the face and say - I chant in sanskrit and I meditate and you should try it too - why? When you take 20 minutes to see what's in side of you and then you take care of all of that - you're not the only thing in technicolor - the whole world is.
Fear is only good for the adrealine it pumps through you
Otherwise, it's a time waster...