Thursday, September 3, 2009

to all things that are broken...

I am tired again
not that I wasn't earlier, but suddenly I'm stuffy too - which only makes the tired worse...

Back to impatience -

Wanting the outcome to arrive faster (now) has always been the name of my game - today should not be excluded from that. Not at all.

I went to my Thursday night yoga class, like I try to every week, and when the teacher asked if there was anything we wanted to work on, I remain silent... but when the class began all I could do was name all the things I wanted to work on - frog pose, pigeon pose, hip opening poses, basics on how to get into a handstand and hold it for more than 2.3 seconds... in my head.

Then there's crow, side plank, the fact that I can't do the splits to save my ever loving life...

but I'm lucky - the two women who teach my Thursday night class are my friends. We even take other classes together, so they know my plans and they just finished yoga teacher training themselves...

But still - if someone blatantly offers you their help, shouldn't you accept it? Especially when you know it will make your life that much easier?

Some of the poses we did - they know my ever loving hate of pigeon pose and that I'm struggling with inversions so there they were - right in the line up. AND I'm proud to say I did 2 handstands (with the support of the wall)

Now you're asking yourself what is she being impatient about?
Simple - after I did the handstand I was so surprised I just went for it again and I held it longer. When I was done I was so excited! It was a very positive step - I CAN DO THIS!

Then my good friend Mr. Doubt started creeping his way back into my brain. My concentration was destroyed, and I knew it, so I tried to over compensate - which made it worse. I just want to be able to look at something like that, something that I was too afraid to do this afternoon - straight up scared I'd break my neck - but tonight I stood up and looked at my teacher and said, "I have to learn this sooner or later! Todays the day!" And then I did it...

Actually, I'm not sure what I'm being impatient for... I already know that me doing or quitting is all on me so, what is it?

I guess it's more like, I wish I had more faith in myself...

You see...
I'm really not broken
but to all of you out there that feel you are
know this too will pass
and though it may feel like forever
it's just a moment in time
one you will look back on
and state, I did it
because you can

And if someone offers their hand
take it, most people don't offer at all
and when you do a handstand
even with the support of the wall
know that 8 years ago, I couldn't touch my toes
and now I and lean forward and press my forehead to my shins

that's not a metaphor

and if I can do that
the most non-flexible person alive -
you can do whatever your "it" is that you want too

I can have all the faith in the world for anyone else
but for me... never for me

how beyond stupid is that?

To all things are broken - I'm sorry.

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