Sunday, September 6, 2009

To drink or not to drink - that is the wicked circle I continually put myself into... Day 29

In general you can only expect so much. 
There are 1000 different sayings about dealing with the crazy parts of life and how to get by and pass those bad times. I think if you try to get by you're probably trying too hard.
Trying too hard is just as frustrating as expecting too much. It so easy, for me, to let myself get distracted by other things. Avoidance and everything that goes with it. 
Kinda like this blog. I was sitting in my living room gazing ever so fondly at my little boy, hung over, tired and sore. My mind was just drifting from place to place. Going over my weekend (which was a nice one) thinking about what my boys gonna be like in a year and then it hit me.

A year.

Wasn't that the point of this here blog?
One year to discover, to change, to move forward inside and out.
One year, less now, until my death - August 9th, 2010

I forgot.

There are downsides to everything in life, in the careers we built for ourselves, at some point it becomes so second nature for you to do that job, you forget to look around.

Writers.
We like to write, some times about everything and nothing all at the same time.



So I forgot AND here I am.



It's about a month since I made the decision to do this. 
Deconstructing 33 years in only one. 
Honestly, a year isn't much time at all...



Tonight’s topic will be regret. Mostly because I don't have any. OK. That's not completely true, but over all, I don't have many.

Things I don't regret are as follows, oh, and I may wish they didn't happen but in general, I don't hate myself because they did:


-Not losing my virginity to my high school love. (I love the child like purity of those memories, even if it ended poorly)

-My first marriage (oil and vinegar, yes. We may not have meshed but that doesn't make him an ass. I'm sorry that I called him that)

-Following my heart instead of my head. I've been criticized for this for many, many years. But over all I look at it like this. If it doesn't feel right, then it probably isn't - even if it looks fine from the outside. Yes. This opens you up to a whole world of pain and suffering every now and again - but in general, it's worth it.

-Not taking that job in Michigan - because if I'm going to live somewhere that has snow, it might as well be Ohio. Yes, I probably wouldn't have any money worries, but I also probably wouldn't have my son.

I could list many things here - because my philosophy has always been the same - only regret the things you don't do, everything else learn from and move on.
As I sat there thinking about all of this with my hellacious hangover that seemed to be attacking at every angle. Ninjas in the shadows waiting for an attack...

And I thought about all of that - those things that I think I have "let go" until something happens and the memories creep up on me like black mold in an old basement.
Right now, would this be how I want to be remembered? 
Would I want to live my last few months of life thinking about those "things" that creep up on me, or would I rather keep pushing to be the person - that image in my head?
Over all, I don't think this is how I want to be remembered.
Parts of it, yes, but the rest of it... not really.
I don't like me when I drink - and yet - two nights in a row. And it's not that I'm against having a beer or a glass of wine every now and again, it's the general attachment to getting drunk that I hate. And then the next day - and I'm not talking about the hangover (even though I could do without those) it's the moderate depression that sinks in around me.
Every time.
Then there's that battle, because its just one more thing to give up - ANOTHER damn thing. Booze. I've giving up shopping, over eating, most of my loves of dairy (but that's shouldn't count seeing I can't really eat dairy anymore), I gave up some other late night activities too because I guess I'm just an all or nothing kind of person, and when I put myself into a situation that can lead to extremes - it will take it to that extreme.
I feel like it shouldn't bother me
What's not drinking? Hell, I did it for 10 months when I was pregnant.
It's just another crutch.
But here I am, feeling like death, so depressed I want to cry and contemplating reasons to how I can justify it. I think I have my answer.
My classes begin on October 9th - 3 day weekends of 6-10, 10-6 and 10-6.
That is what I need to concentrate on - because by next August I want to be working as a yoga instructor. I want to be proud of everything in my life and I don't want to sit around contemplating why or why I shouldn't give up something that's not good for me.
I've given up people that I care about deeply because they weren't good for me. So this is just another pointless distraction.


Tomorrow is Labor Day - Day 30 - 4 weeks and 2 days.

I want to start it like this - by fixing the few things I do regret:

-Not being grateful for what I have
-"The grass is greener"
-Edinburgh
-Not saying thank you, I love you or I'm sorry
-and one or two other things that I plan on keeping close for now - you know, so I can torture myself with them. 

Like the crack head I am... 

I want to be remember as someone that was dependable, strong, pigheaded, a great friend/wife/mother - not as a drunk.

Have a great holiday!
Meet you back here for #30


4 comments:

  1. Well Said....WELL DONE TO DO WHAT YOU KNOW IS NEEDED. I love that we all know what we need...even if we forget briefly
    Linda

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  2. I agree. I think you always know what and where you need to be.
    Just sometimes it's easier to let feel good distractions pull your attention away,
    especially when what you should be doing is difficult.

    But knowing if you just deal with it, over time you'll feel better than any distraction could make you feel at all.

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  3. This is very good...Ain't writing with a hangovr a b!tch?

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  4. yes. it's terrible. and it was the second day of being hung over.
    I'm done for a while.
    I can hear my liver saying thank you already.

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