Thursday, October 29, 2009

Are you there god? It's me, a young, yet kinda middle aged woman just putting it out there... you know... Margaret!

So I went to check my PO Box today - still no love notes from a secret admirer... you'd think that since I pretty much begged for one that someone would take the initiative... but alas.. just junk mail.

And then I went to yoga where I got all emotional and did the right thing and tucked it all nice inside.
But it's not that bad because it actually brought me some insight - and isn't that all we really want in our life?

After my little rant about how much I hate the meat industry and walmart I found myself getting all worried that I may hurt someone's feelings, which isn't my intent, but how is that a way to live?
I say that I don't care what people think and then I go and get worried about me being honest...

The only thing I have is my honesty.

So here is it... there are 1,000 things out there that I do not like, but most times I have very valid reasons. I don't want to be the person who says, "'cause!" after someone asks me why I don't or do like something.

I don't like meat/animal products because one day I saw the face of my beloved animal (Lucky) in my minds eye when I was eating dinner. BUT if I was in a Donner situation - I'd do what I needed to do to survive.

I don't understand why it's "O.K." to eat cattle, but not your neighbor down the street - meat is meat, right?

I don't like the fact that I can't help people more - and I mean all people, not just people that I love.

I don't understand why people won't help out more, but I completely understand at the same time. There is only so many times you can get your heart broken into 1,000 pieces before you say "NO MORE!"

I massively dislike wishy washy people who won't make decision, and yes, part of this is because I hate making decisions for other people. I look at my life like this, "Its my life I make MY decision, why can't you do the same?"

I don't understand why people can't say the words "I love you" daily

I hate slow drivers

Big things (that are really little) that drive me bonkers - tapping/fidgeting, whistling, and when people say they "Tivo'd" something when they don't own a Tivo - it's a noun, not a verb.

And I hate when I complain about things because complaining doesn't solve anything...

Hmm... maybe this is why I only have junk mail in my PO Box... I'm non-too-pleasant... :(
haha! I'm just kidding, but joking aside... why do we do that? Why do we pretend all the time.

My advice to you (and to myself) if you don't like your life, take a moment to alter your perception and then change it. Don't be me. Don't be the person that tries so hard to fit in that you forget it's not about that...

I need to go read and then meditate and have a slight freak out session about class tomorrow and then sleep, so you have a good night and I'll talk to you soon...


It's my right!

I hear this all the time when it comes to food.

"It's my right! I'm at the top of the food chain!"

As previously stated I've been a vegetarian for a long time and I'm (slowly) working my way over to veganism. This is something I want to do for me. Honestly, I don't see it lasting my entire life, but maybe I'm wrong.

I'm wrong a lot - what's one more thing?

But normally I don't get in peoples face about this crap.
It's like the Walmart thing - I hate Walmart. I think it's preposterous how the Walton family has convinced the general population that they are doing us a favor by selling us crappy goods for "cheap" prices that keep them rich and us coming back because the crap broke 4 hours later - and then there's the lack of health care for their employees, etc.
Most days, there are only a few people I will throw this in their face and it's because they're my friends.

Yes, you read that right. "Friends."
We show our love in weird ways....

But with the food... after high school - or even during - there were limited choices for jobs. I went the retail route, but a lot of my friends went the restaurant route.

I know a lot of foodies.

To this day I know a lot of people in the restaurant biz - so I don't start tossing red paint on them and prancing around chanting "MEAT IS MURDER" because yes - we get it - they get it... blah, blah, blah.
(this is one of the many reason I don't throw money to PETa... extremism is lame in any direction)

BUT!!  Throw a girl a bone every once in a damn while.

Why is there dairy in EVERYTHING?!

My son's allergic. Everyone said he'd "grow out of it" but it's only manifested into something worse over the year of his small little life. He looks at dairy sideways and his face gets all splotchy and covered in hives - a one year old with hives is so much fun...

Besides that, trying to convince him that solid foods is not a gift from the devil, now we FINALLY get him to start trying things and BLAM-O - whey.

You know, no one likes when the little hippy girls run around and tell you meat is murder.
"Can't they keep their opinion to themselves?"
But hey, if you are part of the meat industry we can pretty much coat your car with beef fat so that they can hang out with the Walden's in the Hamptons why we each ramen over here in Ohio - oh wait... chicken fat.

This country does nothing short of making it overly expensive and extremely difficult to eat healthy.

Either they go at you with childish attitudes of "It's my right cuz I'm a big human!" or they sneak attack you so eat meat or a meat bi-product which then leads to you getting to spend your day with your son pumping him full of drugs so you don't have to take yet ANOTHER trip to the emergency room so he can get strapped to another machine.

We wonder why our country has the highest obesity rate in the world
We chose this when we decided to enter this circle of hell
4 years ago people were putting mint in everything now it's bacon...


At this moment, with my kids nebulizer posed for use - cuz maybe the hives will set off his little baby astham - I would like to tell all of you jackoffs in the meat industry to just go jump in a vat of that shit your peddling.

Fine. It's your choice to eat meat.
But its my choice not to and I really don't find it fair that you feel the need to put animal products in everything.

He's a little boy
And you're all a$$holes.


Tuesday, October 27, 2009


if you follow the path
you'll be just fine

but we don't
we stray

we look so far a head
we miss what we have
the treasures we dreamt of
15 minutes before

but if you follow the path
the one meant for you

the journey is wonderful
even when it really is not

because it's bad
except for when it isn't
then it's better
then you ever could have imagined

we look at the destination
but we never really see it

the destination is the same
for all of us kiddies

but if you follow the path
the one that doesn't tie you in knots
keep you up at night
cause you to have anxious thoughts


then maybe
just maybe
you'll take something with you

or maybe
just maybe
you'll leave something behind

that's is worth
more than all the questions
ever posed in this

yes, if
if you follow your path
and look at right now

you'll probably smile


All those moments I feel like sharing with perfect strangers.

There are always those morning when you wake up and the first thing you feel is the weight of the world pushing on your shoulders. It's something that happens to everyone, but when it does happen it only feels like it's happening to you.

For me I have a tendency to just pull away from the situation.

I fall back inside myself and attempt to figure out the problem, and that's normally what the problem is. The isolation of the entire situation.

Predicting what I think like should or would have been was never my speciality. But at this point I fear I'm not good at much. I really don't mean that as a deprecating moment in time, I just mean that I've scattered myself so thin that taking a moment to say, "Hey! I'm good at that." I'm find that it's all just a chaotic mess.

But that's what I've been trying to fix isn't it? That among many other things in my little life.

The slacker in me is in a panic at this moment because school back in session this weekend and I don't feel like I've accomplished what I wanted to in my time off. My lack of organization is staring to bite me in the ass, but it's this weird karmatic effect that keeps getting me.
I don't intend to be lazy but I get distracted by other moments in life and then time just flies by and here I am, with a lump in my throat and a pit in my stomach as I look at the calendar and my hear screams, "holy crap! Really?"

Yes really.

It really is the 27th of October.
It really is Tuesday.
And I really haven't memorized what I needed to or gone to enough yoga classes.

Over 34 years I've gathered some many excuses for this behavior I tend to wave it off and tell myself that I "deserve" this or that and that's when my new voice kicks in and yells, "Life is NOT an award system!!"

It's not.
But that's how I've always lived it and it's a rather hard habit to break.
Did something good = get a treat
Did something bad = cut yourself off

It's not normal.
It can NOT be normal to think that's how I should be living my life. But that's what I do.

"Oh I worked out today, that means I can have this brownie."
Which totally defeats the purpose of me working out.

I read this section so that means I can goof off on facebook...

I totally and completely cause all the problems in my own life. I set myself up for falls and then get mad at my surroundings for falling...

So the weight of the world is on my shoulders today. On Sunday I planned out my week and by 4 yesterday it was torn apart, so here I sit, on my computer - my sinus are throbbing today and I don't really understand why (must be the weather) but I'm trying to figure out how to salvage the rest of this week or to just clam down and realize that the consequences are not the end of the world.

There is no reason to get all freaked out about something that is out of my control.
I know this
I accept this
I understand this
But sitting here and writing this has helped. It brought me the clarity I needed for a moment, and I know what I need to do.

So I'm going to go do that.

And on a side note: Disney is refunding money to anyone who bought Baby Einstein Videos thinking their kids would become Einstein from watching them. This amuses me because I watch Baby Einstein every day.

My child loves classical music.
No, he may not be the next Einstein, but there is one thing we all need to remember.
Einstein's teachers told him he was stupid and he figured out the theory of relativity. Also, he was a very caring and fun loving man who had a deep devotion to God - even though all of his theories pretty much disputed his existence.

Everyone has an opinion
But it doesn't mean that it's the right one for you.

That you for reading this moment in my life where I just verbally regurgitate all over blogger.

Monday, October 26, 2009

bi-polar me

I'm feeling a bit bi-polar today. I really can't say what it is.
All I know is that I'm sitting here doing whatever I'm doing and I can just feel my mood change out of nowhere.

I'll admit I was tired this morning, but that's like saying the "sun rose" - I'm tired because I don't sleep. I nap because I'm tired and that leads to me not sleeping some more.

It's a vicious cycle - more vicious than F. Scott Fitzgerald and his friends back in the 1920's.

And every night I say I'm going to kick it in the ass. I'm not going to nap, I'll work my way through it, until I finally break, because I always do.

Tonight I took the plunge. I took a "sleep aid" - I took it about 20 minutes ago, so lets see where this leads... lol...

But anyway, I'm bi-polar.  No, I just feel that way.

I'm sitting here, honestly doing nothing. Like I said, long day. My boy had an attack last night and it nearly ended in me throwing my husband out of the house (long story) but I was up till midnight with my son. Not a big thing seeing I don't sleep - but I half expected him to sleep past six in the morning so I could get a few more minutes of sleep.

He did not. 5:50 AM.

At 3:30 he woke up and whined for a bottle.
A bad habit I fell back into after the hospital because I "felt bad."
NEVER a good reason to do things for anyone on this planet. All you do is pity F yourself into a small corner until you're screwed all over again.

But I worked through it. Half awake (thank god for timers one coffee pots - oh, I made it 2 days coffee free...)

And then I woke my husband up.

The unresolved tension between us was there, but I pretty much just pushed down and told myself that  I'd feel better after I went to yoga.

Which was true.

1 hour of hot "power" yoga and I felt a lot better. (That would be a fast past yoga routine in a room where the temp is set around 90) after I come home and shower and change and head to the grocery store - hungry beyond belief... so now $100 later I finally eat some lunch (a salad I bought from the salad bar, where I didn't put on dressing cuz it was all dairy based and I forgot to by dressing for home... lame-a-tron).

Little olive oil, some lemon juice and I'm fine -  then I start to study and then my husband comes home.

That was when the night began to fall apart.
Another treatment. Lots of random excuses that I don't want to hear about why he needs the treatment. I don't want to hear it because they're just excuses and won't solve the fact that we're now giving our son a treatment daily - add to that I have class all weekend about 1/2 hour from our house - on top of which we're almost out of meds and I still need to find a new doctor.

Get to the bank, post office, another store for a wedding gift, go to about 3 other yoga classes, find time to meditated, finish the last 3 chapters of my book, find time to finish my short story before friday (fat chance), go to my book club tomorrow (the one I didn't read the book for) and all of this before Friday at 6pm.

And my husband says - "Well, you can get the meds right?"

In my spare time.
You know... when the store is closed...

someone needs to throw me a bone before I lose it and start scheming to destroy the world...

This is the most non-cohesive blog ever.

What it comes down to is this.
I don't have time and somehow things fall on me. I want to help, but don't have time and in the end I'm honestly just tired of making the decisions.

Mostly I just want to be left to study and practice and meditate and play with my boy
I think I would be happy then
There is a part of me that believes that if I would have started this journey 8 years ago, I'd probably would be living alone right now - and it probably wouldn't be here in ohio. Because no matter how much you love someone, when you're trying to make a positive change in your life and that person does nothing but poke you in the arm, "what'cha doing? what'cha doing? what'cha doing?" sooner or later you're gonna snap.

I'm about THIS close to snapping.


On a side note. I saw Grey Gardens, the HBO movie staring Drew Barrymore and Jessica Lange and they were amazing. It took me 3 days to watch it, but it was oddly wonderful in a good way.

Now that I've vented, I'd like to report... that drug isn't doing anything...
regardless, I'm going to bed.
At 10pm...
I'll be up by 5 for sure.

good night.

Things to remember me by

This blog.

Friday, October 23, 2009

The Power of Words

I read this interesting blog today from one of my fellow bloggers - you can read it here. I'm not gonna tell you what's its about, outside of stating that it's about the power of words.

**basically I'm throwing you right into the belly of the beast - have fun!**

In 1839, Edward Buler-Lytton stated that "The pen was mightier than the sword" and all these years later he's still right. We grow up chanting our favorite nursery rhymes that say "name will never hurt me" but they do, we all know this is true - so then we let some jackass go and start the "PC movement" - god help us all.

If words didn't have power we would never feel moved by speeches, televisions shows, movies, songs or even reading a post from your favorite late night blogger :)

They're the reason people believe in spells and incantations.

I know, I know... but that's what words are in any religion.

In yoga we chant - it heightens the experience. Same goes with most spiritually based congregations. We sing, pray, chant our lives away because those words make us feel safe and whole for one moment - for THAT moment and in that moment we know it will all be better.

So what about negative words?
They make us feel things too. Angry, humiliated, dejected and depressed.
We use them to "take control" because that's what we're doing when we make people feel bad about themselves or their lives. We're saying, "I'm better than you."

Now, I love sarcasm, and some good dry humor can keep me warm all winter long - but there really needs to be a point when we say that this isn't good - there has to come a time when we respect each equally.

Part of me knows this can happen and the other half say, "not in my life time." It's hard to keep faith in humanity once they've shit on you one too many time. (please excuse the metaphor, but I wanted the stench from it).

Gandhi said, "You must be the change you want to see in the world."

This, in itself, is a tall order, but know this, Gandhi also said, "Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes."

We all do. It's in our DNA to fuck up and to do that well.
We can justify it or we can beat ourselves up - but I say we just need to come to terms with the fact that at times we're gonna all mess up. This is not a reason to seek out stupidity, but know we're all at fault.

It's kinda like prejudice - it's another thing that we all are but we all say we are not - why? - it's the biggest elephant in the room of all.

No one wants to be "that guy" so we concentrate on the extremes of the situation and point out the clan member, but in the end, we've all been there. Maybe it's commenting how someone of the opposite gender sucks more than you just because of that, or maybe you were one of the people who decided to take 9/11 as the excuses you needed to "set those people straight" - in the end it's all the same - it's hate.

We take those things we hate and let the fear grow and then we roll it over into words and attempt to decimate someone else because our view are not the same as theirs, or they're not the right "color" or on and on and on and on.

Hell, up until this year the UN classified people by color - "Yellow Race", "Red Race", "Black Race", "White Race" we use these words to separate ourselves from each other which only makes it harder and harder because we don't have a chance when it's already predetermined. You take those things and bind them with whatever else was handed to us and god only knows what happens next...

Words. Changing your life in utero.

We should all be a bit more careful the words we use in our every day. We should realize that when people say things that hurt us, we could be doing the same to them and not realize it. Life isn't really that cut an dry and when you accept that - then it kinda is.

Don't use excuses
Don't get mad a someone because they use a different term
Don't perpetuate or exacerbate the situation
Don't be the annoying d'bag that thinks humor is only wrapped in the humiliation of others

To be honest, the moment you learn to laugh at yourself - all of that just goes by the way side.

Because when you're that serious about something, that's the very moment you need to lighten up. And I'm referring to "bring on the hate" to the rest of the world.

I'm starting to lose focus so I'm just going to close here with this: Hate the sin, love the sinner

And remember words are very, very powerful

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Memories - no, not the song.

For  some reason I decided it would be fun to just ignore life these past few days... yes... oh emotional me and my need to over think and only find the bad side of life...

Tomorrow I'm going to a yoga class and it's game back on. This overly "the world hates me" life I've decided to embody is annoying and I'm done. What happens happens and I hope those things will be good things, BUT I will say this... in my "cleaning out the world" I've been doing I found this devastatingly dejected poem I wrote about losing someone and how my heart was broken - this just added to my crazy need to crawl under a rock this week - and I sat there and had a moment where I realized I relished those things.

No. I don't want my heart broken.
I like my heart, all happy and filled with blood and happy blood... (I had a few with dinner... sorry)
But at least I have lived long enough to be able to say I have loved that hard that it hurt that bad when I knew it was over.

I'm sure my heart will be broken again, and I say bring it on - because I want to have at least 10 more perfect loves before I die. (and I don't mean husbands - love isn't only restricted to that sort of relationship in my mind. Yes, I'm that woman that says "I love you" and I mean it and then you go and get all freaky cuz you think that it means I want to have your babies - I don't.)

[one of my favorite quotes ever: "Why is it that we don't always recognize the moment when love begins but we always know when it ends? " L.A. Story, Steve Martin]

So here is one of those poem... I don't even know when it's from, but it was written by hand, something I hardly ever do these days...
I hope you like it...

mostly I hope I'm wrong
even though I know for once I'm right
the illusions I built around me are strong
stronger than I could have ever imagined
stronger than the cables on a suspension bridge
they hold me up
for if they snap I would drown

but the water somehow looks comforting
as though its cool liquid could baptize me
wash away my sins

I'd ask for forgiveness
even process my own reconciliation
with infused oils and smokey scents
if I thought it would help

but it wouldn't

baptism would take too much away
and I fear then I would know nothing
feel nothing
remember nothing

mostly I know when I was right
but that was the moment I had to decided
and that decision brought me here
a place not many understand
because we all think the actor somehow gets
reprieve since they initiated the action

it's never that easy

part of me hopes the illusion will stay intact
and I will remain suspended
letting the water carry life on as I hang there
wondering if I'll ever get it right.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


say it slow
say it fast
just say it
say it and know it matters
you matter
somethings matter

even if we wish they didn't

say it so everyone around you jumps
freak them the hell out
or just whisper it to someone near by
but don't hold it in

its like an egg in the microwave... BOOM!
yoke everywhere...

let the world know
that you can't sit by and just
sit by

all I know is that if I could build a jetpack
I'd crawl on top of my roof
stand on the peak
flip the jets on
and I'd say it on the moon

(and then I'd fly around the world and see everything I've ever wanted too)

no one ever talks any more
they just mumble
its sad
'cause we all know we have something to say

even if it sounds like this.

(but mostly I just want my jetpack...)

Things to remember me by

Evidently -
Evidently I say evidently too often. Evidently this is annoying... evidently I don't care if it is - still gonna say it.

Tattoos -
One step closer to being the walking museum I want to be.
Yes, you can get silly tattoos that mean nothing, and yes, you can get very personal tattoo that mean everything - personally I just love art and when I'm dead I want to be displayed in the MET. Just my skin, you can burn the rest.
Thank you.

Carnivals -
Are the best thing about summer and I'd go to everyone I could find if I had the time.
I would also own a cotton candy machine, deep frier for elephant ears and have fresh squeezed lemonade every day.

Leather -
I don't wear it. The older I get the more I realize that these products I think I "deserve" to have aren't worth anything.
Life isn't a reward system.

Memory -
I don't have one. I forget a lot of things.
It's annoying.

Winter -
While I hate it, there is nothing like 2 in the afternoon when everyone is at school or work  and it's just snowed. The world is perfectly still and beautifully white.

Fear -
I'm afraid of electricity. When I was a kid I went to plug something into a socket and wasn't paying attention and I accidently touched the plug as it entered the socket.
The skin on my arm pealed off all the way up to my elbow.

Learning -
No matter how much I know, something always surprised me and it makes me happy to know there is still more to learn.

Purple -
My  new favorite color.
I change my favorite color at various points of my life. Old "favs" have been pink, grey, black, green, red, orange, teal and now purple.

Age -
I've accepted that I have to act a certain way in public, but I refuse to ever really "grow up." Grown ups don't have fun, they settle for what they think they should be instead of living life for who they are.

Horses -
9 out of 10 times when I tell someone I want to go horse back riding they think I mean something sexual - I really mean I want to go horse back riding. It's one of the most exhilarating things I've ever done and I should go more often.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

This is for all the women out there, young and old, that don't think they're perfect...

I found this online, it was posted on twitter and I saw it earlier. What was funny about the moment was right then I was thinking about how I need to tone up more - I'm human and my body image has always been an issue for me.
I've never went to extremes, but still, my self-esteem has been in and out of the toilet over the years. Which is, sadly, a common thing in this world.

Lots of foundations like to scream about super models and how they make young girls hate themselves. If you don't look like Heidi Klum there must be something wrong with you. But I'll tell you this, Heidi Klum works out and takes care of herself. 

There is a bigger problem, one that we aren't seeing because the models aren't reality show celebrities that we can see on Lifetime a few times a week. The bigger problem are print adds.

Yes, back in the pre-computer days of magazine making people figure out how to give babies fish feet by over lapping negatives or over developing things - but then adobe created photoshop and rich people who decided what is or is not beautiful got their hands on it and did this:

This is not cool world. This is not right. That woman was fine just how she was, even before the 10,000 lbs of makeup they cover her up with.

Beauty comes in all shapes and forms and anyway, no one should be judged on their looks alone - that is the ugliest things of all. So pass this on and tell a woman you know how they're perfect just as they are - because we all are perfect in our own way, and you don't need to have a longer neck, plumper lips, bigger eye or rounded shoulder to be that way.

It's not right.
Not even a little bit. 

Phase 2 is complete! More tattoos, pinups and rambling from a sore, sore woman...

That is my tattoo (as of today) with shading. If you don't remember what the first one looked like - go here - I posted that last month. My next appointment is sometime in November, and then she will be pretty and pink and brown and orange and I can't wait!

I wish you could see the ribbons better, but if I turned more you would have missed her - and we can't have that now can we?

Today wasn't nearly as smoothly as last time. Yes, last time hurt, but this time my hips hurt. How ever I was laying wasn't clicking and I had to get up twice. At one point I thought she was going to suggest we push through for color and I was all ready to say - NO! But we never came to that.

The incessant twitching must have tipped her off that I couldn't do it.

(side note: I updated my blogger... what happened to spell check? anyone?? mom???)

So there is my beautiful girl and now I should read, or write - or get a job. Anyone want to hire me? Part-time?

Singing out loud with your mouth shut.

When I was a kid I used to lip sync to songs in the car. Somewhere in the back of my head I decided it was better than actually singing the words out loud, I was told by my choir master that I couldn't sing, and being the impressionable lass that I've always been, I took it to heart.

My grade school is what "after school specials" and "life time movies of the week" are derive from... who thinks it's okay to tell a kid they can't do something? I know I'm no Ronnie Spector, but be nice. (Oh and Ronnie Spectors Choir Master beat her because she thought Ronnie's voice was so good the devil must have given it to her - oh catholicism)

It happened to me again in high school. I told a girl I was thinking about taking singing lessons - I just always liked singing and thought - hey! That's what teachers are for, she told me that it was pretty much pointless (I found out later that she had a huge crush on one of my best friends and thought we were together - oh girls - get jealous = be a bitch).

The first time I sang out loud was in high school. I did one of those recording things at Cedar Point... (is that option even there anymore? Probably went the way of the Pirate Ride... I miss the pirate ride...) On the way home a friend told me "good job!"
"You have a nice voice."

I became obsessive over it in my twenties and my confidence grew. Yes, still no Ronnie but I can hold my own and mostly I'm not shy, so I'll belt it out if I can.

The thing with singing is like when you hear your speaking voice recorded. It doesn't sound like the voice in your head, so most people cringe. The best thing I ever did was have to stand between two vocal towers at our old practice spot - I couldn't run from my voice and over time, practice after practice, I started to like it...
Sadly, the songs I sang that I really liked my voice on were never recorded. Both of my bands fell apart just around the time I found out that I'd be a mother. With every intention of getting the "band back together" the term has become more of a cliche, an Edward Burn's comedic movie moment, than it has ever been the truth.

I still write songs.
I'm really good at sappy break up songs. My theory was and has always been the same - the one thing we ALL have in common... heartbreak. I've had people tell me after shows how they "totally" understood what I meant - most times I made me silently giggle because I'm a writer - I write. Yes, I have things, moments in my life, to draw from - but I'm married and have been with the same guy for a long time so it's not like I'm a forlorn broken hearted fool waiting for Mr. Right to show up while I'm hanging with Mr. Right Now.

I also sing every day.
I make up songs for my boy. Yes, he has his own theme song that I wrote over the first 6 months of his life. I sing it to him here and there and while he has no idea it's about him, he always smiles.

I just love it.
Writing songs.
Singing those songs.
Singing ANY songs...

I still don't understand why people say such negative things, especially to a small child... is it really fair to take the burdens of your life and pass them down to a kid that didn't do anything to deserve your strife.

If there is anything you've ever wanted to do, I say you should do it. (with in reason here, I'm not suggesting anything malice or evil. Hate is worthless, so keep it to yourself.)

I work so much these days I forget that the things I'm doing are those choices, those dreams that I want to work on and let my tired mind warp them into burdens that they are not. It's so easy to dismiss the good things and just hang on to the bad for dear life.

With my love of music I try to branch out into any genre I can find inspiration it. Maybe one day that's Jay-z or maybe that turns out to be Krishna Das or even Gerald Finzi to Minor Threat, but they all have their place.

We all have our place. Even when it's hard. Even when we pray for miracles. Even when it looks bleak. Even when you're on cloud nine. It's all there for a reason.

When I was a teenager, some of my friends smoked pot A LOT. One of the guys used to tell me about "god" and "dude last night I knew the meaning of life - it just came to me!" My response was always the same, "Did it? Did it really?"
It took me a bit longer to figure out the meaning of life... and I wish instead of criticizing him I would have said, "that's awesome!"Because even if I didn't agree with how he got there - for one moment he was happy and for one moment I was my Choir Master.

We can all sing
If we all sounded like Ronnie Spector or Mike Ness this would be a boring world, that's why we sound like us and that's what makes it perfect.

Uniquely our own.

To this day I still find myself lip syncing on long car rides. It has become a warm blanket that brings comfort - but most days, if it just me, I'll find a song I love on my ipod and crank it up and sing at the top of my lungs. You've probably seen me from time to time... I'm that chick in the red car with dark hair singing like its her last chance to live, and loving ever single minute of it.

Monday, October 19, 2009


That moment that you realize it's just too good to be true...
It probably is.

with that

With that
I told you
To stop
But the renagade dreams
That haunt me
Seem to be
Set, with
Too much determination
It allows the spirit
To move
So slow
But that only seems
To make
It worse
Argumentive at
It'll never be
What it should
And with that
I will fight
No more

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Why don't I write things down? You know - important things...

There is a reason people write lists.

It's so when you go to the store you don't come home with 20 things you never needed and nothing that you did...

I am feeling behind and overwhelmed again tonight.
Plus this heartburn is killing me... lame-a-tron.

I don't even know what I'm here to talk about today. Hmm... let's see...

WELL! I decided to move forward with a lot of things. I'm going to start working harder on all of my blogs (even the ones I tend to ignore like that dorky boy in high school that just wants to be your friend because he thinks you're cute and you may get drunk one night and let him do things to you, even though it would never happen because there isn't enough beer in the world to get me that drunk... never happened to you did it? ~sigh~) I'm totally kidding.

I think I'm going to start working on one website that brings all of THIS together. Like a home port that would lead out to all of my blogs and interests. Also, I'm planning on starting a 4th blog soon.

You know. With all my down time! HA!

The new blog will deal with living as a vegetarian - and I mean vegan - not ovo-lacto-vegetarian...
There will also be posts about yoga and meditation and general wellness (recipes, detox, etc) Why? Well, I think that a lot of "healthy" things in this world are generally dismissed because people hear tofu and think "cardboard." And that's not true.
Or they hear "meditation" and think "hippy."
Actually, I'm rather guilty of that... BUT now I'm obsessed with meditating (even if I don't mark it down in my yoga teacher training manual... I really don't know why I don't... I forget things to easily.)


This is my week...
Tonight: finish this, try to work on the other 2 blogs, read some yoga stuff, meditate and go to bed
Monday: clean house, try to plant some flowers and bulbs for el spring-o, get to the store, yoga, study and I really need to start writing.
Tuesday: small wonder is home, so there will be lots of playing with him - then probably write for a bit and I'm having my tattoo filled in - can I just tell you how excited I am about that... BECAUSE I'M SO FREAKING EXCITED I MAY PASS OUT!
Wednesday: small wonder, set up blogs for Wednesday night shows, hopefully go to a yoga class (because I need to observe and transcribe 2 and I'd like to have one done before next class), then watch TV, come on here and then sleep.
Thursday: get older, get tags
Friday: clean, finish short story, study more, yoga, (actually yoga and meditate every day), get ready for the next day - so sleep!
Saturday - HORSE BACK RIDING!! Cook food for tailgating...
Sunday - Go watch the Browns, tailgate and then read The Beezewax about how much he hates them :)

Oh how I'll sleep when I'm dead... :)

For the short story I'm thinking something noir... what do you think? Hmm....

I'm going to go make some delicious decaf tea (yep, bye-bye caffeine) curl up on my couch and read. You have a wonderful night!


Saturday, October 17, 2009

It's all fun and games until you get a little tipsy and go on facebook....

seriously, that's worse than drunk dialing.
stupid social networking encouraging the stalker in me to get all Richard Ramirez on the internet... ok, that's a bit extreme, but sometimes I wish - ever so fondly - that I lived in the middle of nowhere that didn't allow cable or internet access.
Yes - the first few weeks would be hard - decontaminating myself for the onslaught of streaming data I tend to fell my eye balls with - but at the same time, I'd probably sleep better.

New goal to add to my list - one day I'll own a cabin in the woods where I can hide away from this technological age and get more in touch with the Daniel Boone inside of me... (that sounded a bit dirty... oh well)

I'm a fan of all things technologically based, but still.
No tolerance, plus 4 beers, added to an iphone = stupidity.

With that said - my list of "things" is growing faster than it should (I couldn't think of one clean thing to compare it to - so moving on!)

My mind has made its way back to the gutter. It seems if I give up one thing, something old rears it's ugly head. Yes - in order to be the one true and glorious me I've decided to give up or at least cut back on coffee and all caffeinated beverages... why? Because this no sleep nonsense it really getting to me (and recently I've had to learn some about anatomy and that just makes you say, "crap! that's what's happening to me when I don't sleep!)

As every day draws closer to the end, it seems like I'm gather more baggage than releasing it. Maybe it's one of those things - you have to draw it all in close to let it all go...

Or maybe it's just the fact that I'm a pack rat and letting go has never been easy for me.
No, that's a lie, I can let go - a little too well...

Well - now when I move to my cabin in the woods where I won't have any access to communication devices for months at a time, I will have to fall back on all my girl scout training I received as a child.

I guess that means I want to know if you'd like to buy a box of thin mints... hmm... yep... probably gonna die out there! But at least I won't be drunk facebook'ing now will I?!!

Friday, October 16, 2009

So much to do! NO TIME!

Have you ever noticed how people just like to do the whole "judge the book by it's cover" thing? I mean, I know I've done it. By no means to I feel that I am impervious to being judgmental, but at the end of the day - you know you hate doing it when you do.

I do at least.

What are you going to do? I also can't control people around me, or would ever want to - so... whatever... right?

I had a fun hangout with a friend last night and I paid for it today. I'm just tired and even though I know it's ok to relax, I feel like such a slacker when I have a day to myself that doesn't involve me going to at least one yoga class, reading a bunch and doing 1,000 other things.

One of my many crosses.

Things are progressing and I feel the need to complete this goal. The goal of writing on here once a day for a year - yes, I know they're not all gems... :)
But still - that's not the point now is it.

This is going to be a short entry because I do need to get some thing accomplished before I go to bed. October seems to be the month of over planning and I'm running low on spare time - well, that's a lie - I just like to be over prepared.

SO! I'm off, but I hope this reaches all of you lovelies feeling well and happy.
Tomorrow look at someone you would normally avoid and give them a compliment.

good night!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

its too cold too soon...

It's so cold today. I know it's only 45, which is better than the 2 it will be soon, but still... I wish it was still 70.

I tried to make it to bed at a decent hour last night and ended up staring at the ceiling for an hour. I had full intention of downloading a audio book onto my phone to listen to, but luck me, it's not on itunes...  Most days I would never go the audio book route, but it would make my life a bit easier right now - and I need something easier.

I have a lot of homework, which doesn't bother me - it's the lack of time that bothers me.

I know if I can just get organized than I can do it all - but this week went by so fast I haven't had a moment to even do that.

Last evening I went to a yoga class, I should go tonight but I'm visiting a friend whom I haven't seen in over a month and part of me is screaming to skip so I can work on things, but I need the break and I need to sleep in tomorrow.
But as I was laying there in savasana, I will admit that my mind does wander. I started to think about how people treat life like a contest and every time I have that thought, I think about how no one ever wins.

Working from that view point I began to map out a blog entry about how life is to important to make into a silly child's game and that there is no race. The finish line could be just around the corner, but we waste our time out weird shortcuts instead of the trip.

I'm talking about me.

This is me taking a break right now.
I've been slacking in many areas of my life. I have 2 restaurant reviews to post, I didn't get my TV reviews up last week. I have a lot of reading to do and a few things I need to memorize.

I need to nap. But it's too late now. If I even close my eyes for a moment, my son will wake up - so why trick myself into thinking rest is in sight?

sometimes I can see the light
that is sitting across that long tunnel
I look at it and say
I can keep doing this
tiny auspicious moments
move me faster
until the light moves further on
with numbered days
and timed moments
losing sight is the easiest thing to do
that and avoidance
but if you look you'll see
the dance part over the avoid
and you'll realize
if it's meant to be
it will be
maybe it'll take 20 years
but it will be
and if you only have
less than 300 left
you need to see
that maybe is just maybe
and now can be perfect
if you let it

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Stuff to remember me by

Books - always books:

I've found over the years that people either like Jane Eyre or Wuthering Heights.

Two of the Bronte sisters battling it out over what you should read.

I've never read Anne... I really should.

Emily Bronte wrote Wuthering Heights
Charlotte Bronte wrote Jane Eyre

I read Jane Eyre first. (Actually I read The Wide Sargasso Sea first, which was written by Jean Rhys and is about Bertha and Rochester's marriage. Bertha would be the one that set the house on fire and nearly killed Edward).

I later read Wuthering Heights, and I was never a fan. It's a good book, don't get me wrong, but the melodrama was too much for my blood. Jane... well, she's a woman I could relate to. Smart, quick and courageous - I could see myself in her shoes.

Yes, if you wondered, this is the book where the term "Plain Jane" came from.
Maybe that had something to do with it too.  As a growing girl I wasn't the "bell of the ball" if you will, I was more of the Bell's Sidekick - so reading about someone like Jane Eyre just made my day. It said to me, you can have happiness, friends and love and not look like Heidi Klum and that I thank Miss Bronte for. (Its not a very common message in this day an age.)

I've read this book 2 or 3 dozen times and I love it and I wish more people loved it too. Let me rephrase. I wish more people - both men and women - would look at a book like Jane Eyre and see WHY its such a classic. The underlining theme of the story is as true now as it was back in 1847.

Moving on...

Here he is. The man who has been stuck in my head for so many years now I wonder why I'm not a drunk in the gutter...

or maybe he's why I almost was...

Charles Bukowski.

I'd pick one of his books to talk about, but what's the point? I'd be back on here tomorrow talking about another and another and another.

He sat in a dilapidated apartment, drank cheap beer and wine, worked for the federal government, had more women than any man I've ever met.

He wrote every day. EVERY DAY! Come hell or high water.

In a time he should have been lumped in with the Beat Generation he flipped them the bird, puked in their piano and went about his business.

I love Charles Bukowski.

I once had a dream about him and his last wife Linda and a puppy.
I woke up the next day to realize that the last thing I had read of his was "Love is a Dog from Hell."

His books are still being made into movies - like Factotum
His books still affect people deeply - like the band Hot Water Music

He was a genius and he's been dead for nearly 20 years - which I can't believe for a minute.

One of my favorites of his was The Most Beautiful Women in Town.

If I had to live the rest of my life on a desert island and only take one author I would take him because he's one of the only people on this planet that someone never knew me but saw inside of me and said what I was thinking.

Charles Bukowski - the Poet Laureate of Skid Row

I've wanted to be a writer longer than I've wanted to be anything else. I read these books and I think about the worlds they create and I want to give that gift to people.

But if I never could.
If I died tomorrow, I would want you all to go get a library card or go to the book store and buy a book you never normally would.

Read Dune or The Time Machine
Pick up a copy of Nora Roberts latest romantic adventures
Borrow a copy of some of the classics from your kids who are being forced to read them at school

Check out their summer reading list and read it.

Everyone should read. Where else can you see a space cannon and 1,000 different species of alien where the cgi isn't crap?


Remember me for my passion of the spoke word.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

What day is it?

Friday started my classes which consist of 4 hours on Friday night, and 8 hours on Saturday and Sunday - respectively. By the time I arrived home on Saturday I was out of it, so much so I think I cried the entire time I showered.

You know. Wash the hair. Wash the body. Wash the eyeballs.

About 2 hours after that I was sore.

Then yesterday (2 days later and still sore) was my boys 1 year birthday. WOOHOOO!
And now here I am trying to do homework but decided to organize a bit so I'm tired because I've been sitting in front of the computer for a long while - about 3.5 hours now - and I still have a bunch to do.

And I have no point
Not one

I'm just a little out of my mind and I have words like halasana and bhujangasana glued to my eyeballs. And I think I'm hungry, but I can't be because I had a big dinner and then I don't want to be because I had an anatomy lesson on Sunday and I know understand digestion and it grosses me out.

Just trust me when I say - DON'T EAT 4 HOURS BEFORE BED.
You'll thank me in your after life.

My original intent tonight was to blog about my theory on how Ni Hao Kai Lan is a propaganda tool being used by the Chinese to condition our youth so that when they finally invade our kids will understand them (this is something I like to tell my husband because I think I'm funny) But no.

Urdhva Mukha Svanasana

Yes - God Bless you too!

Oh mid-life crisis how you drove me to learn sanskrit!

OK! BREAK OVER! Time for some light reading about how to be a good teacher and um... yeah.
Like I said

I've got nothing...


Sunday, October 11, 2009

Just remember to breath.

Wake up
get dressed
wash up
eat breakfast
catch up
pack bag
pack lunch
play with son
kiss, kiss
drive to school
drag self inside
unload bag
take off coat
move to other room


silently cuss inside head
audibly moan
repeat with friend




stand on head




ohh anatomy!

catch up
pack up
load up car
drive home

kiss, kiss!!

hang out
g'nite again...

and then
when you think you can just sit and do


you end up on the floor
with his baby little head
laying on your belly
as you both watch the light show
on his ceiling

he turn 1 tomorrow
and for some reason
that makes my arms hurt a little less
but my thighs...

christ on a crutch

and g'nite to you too

oh and just so you remember

Friday, October 9, 2009

The Irony Engine

I started my teachers training tonight and it was great.
Tiring, but great.
We ended our day with meditation - something that is a big portion of yoga - and let me tell you, sitting still for 15 minutes will force you to look at things. Force you to look at the world. Force you to look at yourself.

I know I talk a lot about judging on here. I'm not a fan.
I think that people who take the time to belittle others are really just pointing out the insecurities they have about their own life.
I've done it.
We've all done it.
You can make up excuses. Like, I was raised Catholic. And that the religion showed me how to categorize people and then judge them. Be it their choices in life, their job or that they're not exactly like me, (and why the hell would you ever want to be) there are always good "reasons" for doing this.

Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't have standards in your life, but when you don't know, when you don't understand...

You only hurt yourself when you walk that path.

Like I said, I'm not saying having an opinion about something is a bad thing - I'm just saying if you meet someone that doesn't exactly fit your picture perfection of what life should be, maybe you should learn more about life.

There are so many people out there to learn from.

The moment you think that you're perfect, or that you can't learn anything else, you might as well be dead. I hate the saying, "you can't teach an old dog new tricks." Well, if you can't its because you're being a bitch.

Life is too short
WAY too short

I know this one person that has an issues with race and color - I said to them one night, "I could never be prejudice because I love sex too much. And why the hell would I limit myself to the same type of person over and over when I could potentially meet a really hot guy that doesn't look like the poster child for the aryan front."

They weren't too happy with me, but you know what? We've been friends a long time.
No, I don't agree with some things they feels/says - but there is more to a person than just ONE stupid thing and if you stop talking to someone cuz of one thing - like THAT one thing - then you're doing the same thing as them...

Yes - I preach "you are who you hang around with"
So this just goes to show you that I am a hypocrite
But aren't we all?

Yes we are.

And what brought that on?
I have no idea.

Too much meditation
Cleans your soul
Clears your head
And if you're not careful... drives you crazy

When you're the type of person that can't sit still for more than a moment at a time...
When you finally get inside your own head you have to be careful...

You never know

After all this time, you may ACTUALLY not like yourself

And who wants to not like yourself? Let's be honest, most people can be pretty rad from time to time, if only you'd just let yourself be...

These are the things that keep the engine running... yes... the irony engine subconsciously trying to readjust your life into irony. One. Cog. At. A. Time.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Another sleepless night.

I was up till 5 am last night. It was terrible, it was so bad that I am now sitting here scared I'm going to recap it... I can't do that. I have too much stuff going on tomorrow.

It was like the old days.
I started on here, writing and what naught and then decided to crash on the couch, but the time kept moving and I couldn't sleep. I tried to move into the bedroom but that just made it worse.

Next thing I knew I was sitting on my couch playing with my phone and the last thing I saw was the time as I drifted off - and then I was awoken by the playful noise of my son.

Maybe its the weather or maybe its my nerves - or a combination of both. All I know is that I sat there, laid there, got frustrated, cried for a second, wanted to scream, tried to meditate and then finally fell asleep...

It was terrible.

My mind kept racing about so many stupid things. Things I haven't thought about in forever. People I haven't wanted to think about in even longer.

The images ranged from text books to everything else you can imaging and I attempted to control it as I whispered "just let it pass, just let it pass" over and over again until I knew I would explode.

Last night was supposed to be my night of peace.
There was nothing peaceful about it at all.
I don't like when I can't stop the distractions. I feel like a little girl wishing for the unattainable. Then looking for vindication from all of those thoughts.

I wished on a shooting star about a month ago and I was too drunk to remember the wish. I now wonder if it came true.

Chaos. My mind is chaos when it isn't tame. A rambling of ridiculous... well, everything.

It's like a mind rave filled with smoke and speed and half naked people as they scream and dance and get high and drunk and I'm stuck in the middle - to me it's a maze - I just want out. But the music is too loud and the air is too thin and I let it all get the better of me before I finally make it out the door.

Its scares me.
I'm terrified of it.

Tomorrow I take that first step, I guess, but I've taken a lot of first steps lately.
At this time tomorrow I will just be getting home and the day after that... 8 hours... just like the dreams, I'm terrified.

For now I'm going to go try to relax.
Tomorrow will be over before I know it.
And March will be here not to long afterwards.

Time moves faster than a shooting star, but it's just as amazing to watch.

How bad do you want a ride on that shooting star?
If only I could fly...

I decided to drug myself to ensure that I would nod off before 5am tonight, so I'm going to go now...
I wish you all a good night! Sweet dreams and I hope they really are sweet.
Until later,


p.s. -

Gotta call from a friend, we used to be real close.
Said he couldn't go on the American way.
Closed the shop, sold the house, bought a ticket to the West Coast.
Now he give them a stand-up routine in L.A.

I don't need you to worry for me cause I'm alright
I don't want you to tell me its time to come home
I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life leave me alone.

I never said you had to offer me a second chance
I never said I was a victim of circumstance
I still belong, don't get me wrong
You can speak your mind, but not on my time

They will tell you, you can't sleep along in a strange place
Then they tell you, you can't sleep with somebody else
But sooner or later you sleep in your own space
Either way it's okay, you wake up with yourself.

I don't need you to worry for me cause I'm alright

I don't want you to tell me its time to come home
I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life leave me alone.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

And on the 7th day...

You could go out six days a week and do the right thing. You could feed orphans, find shelter for the homeless, give what little extra money you have to a hospital, read books to the blind, but if you decided to spend that seventh day drinking and swearing that means there is a group of people who only see you as a belligerent drunk who does nothing but drink and cuss.

Does it matter?

I don't know. That's purely up to you.

When you only see someone 4 hours over a stretch of 30 days there is no way for them to know you. But then again, it takes your entire life for you to get to know yourself.

There are too many labels we place on ourselves, on others - concise.

We just need a little punch press so we can put everyone neatly away.

I've never found exactly me, but I've always know the essence of who I am. Its like a light that glows in my chest, the fire that keeps me going, moving, smiling, breathing - living.
I've seen that light in so many others - people I've only brushed against in my life for a moment.
And I've also seen what it looks like when that light is gone. The empty shell of a person who roams this world like a ghost that so many people fear and hide from.

When you're young its like going up that first big hill of a roller coaster. You're laughing and scared and doing whatever it is you do - I tend to clench my jaw, fists and toes (afraid of falling...) and then one day you get to the top and you see this view. Miles and miles and miles of everything splayed out before you...

Then, one single moment later, you're moving so fast all you can do is scream and hope that hidden camera takes a nice photo.


You can spend six days of your life drinking, cussing and being all around belligerent, and on the seventh day you can help someone carry their groceries to their car. Take their shopping cart and put it in the cart return for them. Hold a door. Give someone your coat.

And in that moment you are someone's hero because you thought of them first.
And on that seventh day they will see you for a person who smiles and says/does nice things for no reason other than for the act itself.

One moment changes it all.
Defines who you are - for one moment.
Finding you a way to live in the presence of yourself.

one moment of clarity will let you know that the only person who needs to be happy with you all of the time is you, because no matter how close you are to someone they can never be with you all 7 days straight.

I'm just rambling... I've read a lot of books on karma in the past few days. Lots of scriptures about life and human nature. I do love it most earnestly, but sometimes the over saturation of karmatic logic make me stand on my head because I'm not sure where I'm coming from or where it's leading me to.

It's not fear.

I'm a little scared about Friday because it's new. And new is new... But it's excited scared, not fear for my life scared.

But I read these stories and these texts and part of my life says - YOU'VE GOT IT!
And the other part of my life just looks at me when I ramble those things out loud.

There are so many labels in this world that when you enter into a new place that listens to chanting... incense, krishna... scriptures, gods...


you are you. You're not a job. A place mat. Someone else.
Believe in you and you will succeed.
Have faith
Accept love
Love unconditionally - no just eternally
Accept that people are human and they can mess up
And just be yourself...

I'm supposed to be working, but I'm so burnt out...
sigh again
I'm so burnt out that I'm going to bed
And tomorrow, when I come on here, I'm going to tell a funny story! Hahaha!

I'll think of one... promise!

Good night.

The writing group... FINALLY!

If you're still interested... GO HERE -
and sign up!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Things to remember me by

I'm adding more to this list:


The Count of Monte Cristo - I don't even know what prompted me to read this book all those years ago. Chances are I saw a copy of it sitting on my parents bookshelf and grab it in passing, or maybe it was that I caught the movie on cable. (Actually, I think that was the reason) So I read it.

I was very different from the movie - no, it was EXTREMELY different from the movie. They tried to give the world a cliffs not version of something that couldn't be shaved down that much.

But in turn I fell in love with this novel.

Alexandre Dumas (who also wrote The Three Musketeers) is an amazing writer and I highly recommend all of his books.

This book made me want to write better and, in general, read more of the classics. I still think I've missed out on a lot because I let myself get intimidated by great novelists and then only allow myself to read main stream books.

[One of my many mottos - Just because it's on the New York Times Best Seller list, doesn't mean it's a good book. It just means that a lot of people bought it. Those two things are not the SAME thing.]


This band is one of my greatest loves. Yes, I love Grieg. Yes, I love Nina Simone. Yes, I love Glenn Miller. (moonlight serenade is one of my all time favorite songs)

But at the end of the day - this band is probably one of my oldest and greatest loves ever.


They have talked me off ledges and danced me through good times.

I picked this cover because it's their most famous, and honestly, their newer stuff... yeah, not so much... but Rancid (1993), Let's Go, ...And Out Come The Wolves, Life Won't Wait, Rancid 2000 - are all filled with little bits of my heart.

I've never seen them live.
I've never wanted to. I know that sound assbackwards, but I've built them up so high in my head it's better to never know.
I've known people who've met them, hung out with them, gone to picnics with them... never.

They will always be the band I still (to this day) have pictures of randomly around so I can look at them and smile. The band I listen to when I need a friend or I'm so mad that I want to hurt things. They're one of my closest friends, and I honestly love them.


I watch more movies than I watch TV shows. I always have, probably always will. (even with the tv blog).

My favorite genres are as follows:
- Action
- Sci/fi - Fantasy
- War
- Romance

But at the end of the day I'll watch all of them from really bad movies like Frankenfish to movies I think are wonderful and should be seen by all because they truly are a classic film, like Gojira (aka 1954 Godzilla). I will watch any movie.

Pick one.

The only movies I tend to avoid are the "lets make fun of things" movies (i.e. Super Hero Movie, Dance Movie, I became a hollywood script writer to sell my soul to the man and just write a script copying what someone else already wrote movie).

I don't have one "All Time" favorite movie. There are too many out there for me to pick and tell you about and tell you why I loved them.

BUT if you're a fan of Samurai movies, you should check out Zatoichi - the Blind Swordsman. (Actually, if you're a fan of Samurai movies you should also check out - Seven Samurai, Rashomon and pretty much any other movie directed by Akira Kurosawa. Seriously. Brilliant)

Russian History:

When you read philosophy and spirituality books they'll tell you, we're ALL the same.

We're all the same.

I love history. To learn from the past, to learn from others mistakes, is a hard thing but an essential thing if you ever want to truly change yourself, or the world.

Enter Russia.

This empire is one of the greatest that ever stood and in a way we had the chance to watch it rise up and fall down. But she'll rise back up again.

Our relationship with her is like a bad breakup. We only tend to relay the crappy stuff.
Rumors at best, most people (especially the cold war babies) we tend to look down our American noses at this Goddess and slap the label of Crazy on her forehead.

She has 11 times zones and climates that range from wintery landscapes to tropical paradise.

But people hear Stalin and communist manifest and see red.

I love history. From Mesopotamia to our current conflict in the Middle East, but I fell in love with Russia a long time ago.

Other Random Things:
- I drink at least 2 cups of tea a night
- I change my favorite color at least 3 times a year - currently it's blue
- I can't sleep in pants, and if I do I have to tuck the cuffs into my socks or I'll wake up
- Halloween is better than Christmas and my birthday combined
- I prefer dark chocolate
- I'm addicted to American comfort food
- I wanted to be a painter at one point of my life. I was 13.
- 13 is one of my favorite numbers because it was my due date
- 22 is also a favorite number cuz it was the day I was born
- I'm superstitious
- I'd go to the air show every year if I could
- I wanted to become a navy pilot, not because of Top Gun, because in 1982 I discovered the F-18 and then I wanted to join the air force because I discovered the SR-71 Blackbird.

I need a vacation
But won't probably have one for a few years, which is a travesty.

I hope you have a great day!

Monday, October 5, 2009


When we begin another chapter of life
Do we have to leave the past behind
or can we take it with us

I really don't think there's a choice in that

in a way we're all just baggage
or maybe a cup
as we move through life bits and pieces fill that cup
some good
some great
some bad
some so terrible we wonder why we have to carry it at all

these memories can be burdens
or we can stop and look at them
turn them around in our heads
and our hands
until we find what we loved about it

even the bad moments

there is always a little something that is good
a lesson
a moment

as we move to the next chapter
when we find
and accept
we can move freely
even when we carry those bad things

happier than before

each step forward
reveals the cornucopia
that we are
not the dump trucks we may feel like

I have these moments in my life
lost friends
bad situation
lost loves
argumentative bits

I used to fear them
think that in some way they'd bite me in the ass
assume the next bad thing was in direct relation

when I finally stopped guessing
I began to stop fearing

when I stop fearing
I'll be able to love

when I can truly love
I'll probably get hurt again

but I'll learn
and I'll grow

I'll breath
and I'll cry my ever loving heart out

I'll scream
and beg for mercy

and then I'll let it go

And then I'll move to the next chapter of my life
knowing that I did what I could in that moment
even if it came off shitty
even if it came off callous

even if it was
for that second

but in the end
I'll look at it all

everyone that has touched me
and I'll say I love you
and I'll mean it.