Tuesday, October 27, 2009

All those moments I feel like sharing with perfect strangers.


There are always those morning when you wake up and the first thing you feel is the weight of the world pushing on your shoulders. It's something that happens to everyone, but when it does happen it only feels like it's happening to you.

For me I have a tendency to just pull away from the situation.

I fall back inside myself and attempt to figure out the problem, and that's normally what the problem is. The isolation of the entire situation.

Predicting what I think like should or would have been was never my speciality. But at this point I fear I'm not good at much. I really don't mean that as a deprecating moment in time, I just mean that I've scattered myself so thin that taking a moment to say, "Hey! I'm good at that." I'm find that it's all just a chaotic mess.

But that's what I've been trying to fix isn't it? That among many other things in my little life.

The slacker in me is in a panic at this moment because school back in session this weekend and I don't feel like I've accomplished what I wanted to in my time off. My lack of organization is staring to bite me in the ass, but it's this weird karmatic effect that keeps getting me.
I don't intend to be lazy but I get distracted by other moments in life and then time just flies by and here I am, with a lump in my throat and a pit in my stomach as I look at the calendar and my hear screams, "holy crap! Really?"

Yes really.

It really is the 27th of October.
It really is Tuesday.
And I really haven't memorized what I needed to or gone to enough yoga classes.

Over 34 years I've gathered some many excuses for this behavior I tend to wave it off and tell myself that I "deserve" this or that and that's when my new voice kicks in and yells, "Life is NOT an award system!!"

It's not.
But that's how I've always lived it and it's a rather hard habit to break.
Did something good = get a treat
Did something bad = cut yourself off

It's not normal.
It can NOT be normal to think that's how I should be living my life. But that's what I do.

"Oh I worked out today, that means I can have this brownie."
Which totally defeats the purpose of me working out.

I read this section so that means I can goof off on facebook...

I totally and completely cause all the problems in my own life. I set myself up for falls and then get mad at my surroundings for falling...

So the weight of the world is on my shoulders today. On Sunday I planned out my week and by 4 yesterday it was torn apart, so here I sit, on my computer - my sinus are throbbing today and I don't really understand why (must be the weather) but I'm trying to figure out how to salvage the rest of this week or to just clam down and realize that the consequences are not the end of the world.

There is no reason to get all freaked out about something that is out of my control.
I know this
I accept this
I understand this
But sitting here and writing this has helped. It brought me the clarity I needed for a moment, and I know what I need to do.

So I'm going to go do that.

And on a side note: Disney is refunding money to anyone who bought Baby Einstein Videos thinking their kids would become Einstein from watching them. This amuses me because I watch Baby Einstein every day.

My child loves classical music.
No, he may not be the next Einstein, but there is one thing we all need to remember.
Einstein's teachers told him he was stupid and he figured out the theory of relativity. Also, he was a very caring and fun loving man who had a deep devotion to God - even though all of his theories pretty much disputed his existence.

Everyone has an opinion
But it doesn't mean that it's the right one for you.

That you for reading this moment in my life where I just verbally regurgitate all over blogger.

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