Thursday, October 8, 2009

Another sleepless night.



I was up till 5 am last night. It was terrible, it was so bad that I am now sitting here scared I'm going to recap it... I can't do that. I have too much stuff going on tomorrow.

It was like the old days.
I started on here, writing and what naught and then decided to crash on the couch, but the time kept moving and I couldn't sleep. I tried to move into the bedroom but that just made it worse.

Next thing I knew I was sitting on my couch playing with my phone and the last thing I saw was the time as I drifted off - and then I was awoken by the playful noise of my son.

Maybe its the weather or maybe its my nerves - or a combination of both. All I know is that I sat there, laid there, got frustrated, cried for a second, wanted to scream, tried to meditate and then finally fell asleep...

It was terrible.

My mind kept racing about so many stupid things. Things I haven't thought about in forever. People I haven't wanted to think about in even longer.

The images ranged from text books to everything else you can imaging and I attempted to control it as I whispered "just let it pass, just let it pass" over and over again until I knew I would explode.

Last night was supposed to be my night of peace.
There was nothing peaceful about it at all.
I don't like when I can't stop the distractions. I feel like a little girl wishing for the unattainable. Then looking for vindication from all of those thoughts.

I wished on a shooting star about a month ago and I was too drunk to remember the wish. I now wonder if it came true.

Chaos. My mind is chaos when it isn't tame. A rambling of ridiculous... well, everything.

It's like a mind rave filled with smoke and speed and half naked people as they scream and dance and get high and drunk and I'm stuck in the middle - to me it's a maze - I just want out. But the music is too loud and the air is too thin and I let it all get the better of me before I finally make it out the door.

Its scares me.
I'm terrified of it.

Tomorrow I take that first step, I guess, but I've taken a lot of first steps lately.
At this time tomorrow I will just be getting home and the day after that... 8 hours... just like the dreams, I'm terrified.

For now I'm going to go try to relax.
Tomorrow will be over before I know it.
And March will be here not to long afterwards.

Time moves faster than a shooting star, but it's just as amazing to watch.

How bad do you want a ride on that shooting star?
If only I could fly...

I decided to drug myself to ensure that I would nod off before 5am tonight, so I'm going to go now...
I wish you all a good night! Sweet dreams and I hope they really are sweet.
Until later,

-A

p.s. -

Gotta call from a friend, we used to be real close.
Said he couldn't go on the American way.
Closed the shop, sold the house, bought a ticket to the West Coast.
Now he give them a stand-up routine in L.A.

I don't need you to worry for me cause I'm alright
I don't want you to tell me its time to come home
I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life leave me alone.

I never said you had to offer me a second chance
I never said I was a victim of circumstance
I still belong, don't get me wrong
You can speak your mind, but not on my time

They will tell you, you can't sleep along in a strange place
Then they tell you, you can't sleep with somebody else
But sooner or later you sleep in your own space
Either way it's okay, you wake up with yourself.

I don't need you to worry for me cause I'm alright

I don't want you to tell me its time to come home
I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life leave me alone.

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