Monday, October 26, 2009

bi-polar me

I'm feeling a bit bi-polar today. I really can't say what it is.
All I know is that I'm sitting here doing whatever I'm doing and I can just feel my mood change out of nowhere.

I'll admit I was tired this morning, but that's like saying the "sun rose" - I'm tired because I don't sleep. I nap because I'm tired and that leads to me not sleeping some more.

It's a vicious cycle - more vicious than F. Scott Fitzgerald and his friends back in the 1920's.

And every night I say I'm going to kick it in the ass. I'm not going to nap, I'll work my way through it, until I finally break, because I always do.

Tonight I took the plunge. I took a "sleep aid" - I took it about 20 minutes ago, so lets see where this leads... lol...

But anyway, I'm bi-polar.  No, I just feel that way.

I'm sitting here, honestly doing nothing. Like I said, long day. My boy had an attack last night and it nearly ended in me throwing my husband out of the house (long story) but I was up till midnight with my son. Not a big thing seeing I don't sleep - but I half expected him to sleep past six in the morning so I could get a few more minutes of sleep.

He did not. 5:50 AM.

At 3:30 he woke up and whined for a bottle.
A bad habit I fell back into after the hospital because I "felt bad."
NEVER a good reason to do things for anyone on this planet. All you do is pity F yourself into a small corner until you're screwed all over again.

But I worked through it. Half awake (thank god for timers one coffee pots - oh, I made it 2 days coffee free...)

And then I woke my husband up.

The unresolved tension between us was there, but I pretty much just pushed down and told myself that  I'd feel better after I went to yoga.

Which was true.

1 hour of hot "power" yoga and I felt a lot better. (That would be a fast past yoga routine in a room where the temp is set around 90) after I come home and shower and change and head to the grocery store - hungry beyond belief... so now $100 later I finally eat some lunch (a salad I bought from the salad bar, where I didn't put on dressing cuz it was all dairy based and I forgot to by dressing for home... lame-a-tron).

Little olive oil, some lemon juice and I'm fine -  then I start to study and then my husband comes home.

That was when the night began to fall apart.
Another treatment. Lots of random excuses that I don't want to hear about why he needs the treatment. I don't want to hear it because they're just excuses and won't solve the fact that we're now giving our son a treatment daily - add to that I have class all weekend about 1/2 hour from our house - on top of which we're almost out of meds and I still need to find a new doctor.

Get to the bank, post office, another store for a wedding gift, go to about 3 other yoga classes, find time to meditated, finish the last 3 chapters of my book, find time to finish my short story before friday (fat chance), go to my book club tomorrow (the one I didn't read the book for) and all of this before Friday at 6pm.

And my husband says - "Well, you can get the meds right?"

In my spare time.
You know... when the store is closed...

someone needs to throw me a bone before I lose it and start scheming to destroy the world...

This is the most non-cohesive blog ever.

What it comes down to is this.
I don't have time and somehow things fall on me. I want to help, but don't have time and in the end I'm honestly just tired of making the decisions.

Mostly I just want to be left to study and practice and meditate and play with my boy
I think I would be happy then
There is a part of me that believes that if I would have started this journey 8 years ago, I'd probably would be living alone right now - and it probably wouldn't be here in ohio. Because no matter how much you love someone, when you're trying to make a positive change in your life and that person does nothing but poke you in the arm, "what'cha doing? what'cha doing? what'cha doing?" sooner or later you're gonna snap.

I'm about THIS close to snapping.


On a side note. I saw Grey Gardens, the HBO movie staring Drew Barrymore and Jessica Lange and they were amazing. It took me 3 days to watch it, but it was oddly wonderful in a good way.

Now that I've vented, I'd like to report... that drug isn't doing anything...
regardless, I'm going to bed.
At 10pm...
I'll be up by 5 for sure.

good night.

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