Sunday, October 4, 2009

Just pull the damn bandage off for the love of god!!



I would probably be easier to just write up a generic letter, copy it and then mail it out around the world. The text would be simple:

I'm sorry.
Not excuses.
Forgive me.

-A

I could just randomly hand them to people who I feel should have them. Maybe even print the on fun colors of paper. Some pastels. Something more bright.

Just another way to alleviate the difficulty of this process.

Yes, yes. Just tear that bandage off.

People look at you weird when they haven't seen you in years, and the last time they did you were a royal bitch. They look at you longer, pensive, waiting to see the "but" of the situation as you talk to them in a civil manor. They don't know wether to believe you're sincere or you're just out of your mind.

I don't blame them. I've been a skeptic for most my life.
Still, even though I'm getting better, I feel that most people only contact me because they want something from me.

Its a sad way to live, but it keeps me safe. No it doesn't but that's how I justify not letting people close to me. It's a "defense" mechanism...

It's foolish.

When you only want the good stuff you miss out on too much. I've missed out and I know it.

So there I am doing the walk of shame in my life, but I'd much rather pull the bandage off and move forward. Yes, in general you can't please everyone - and I'm not trying to - I'm just trying to get to a place where I don't have to dive down a isle at the store (or fake text/call someone) when I run into someone I don't want to see.

I mean, my town is big, but it's not and it's just how life is. The last person you want to see is the first person you run into the moment you step out of your house.

Why live like that?

As I walk down Sorry Lane doing my walk of shame, I'm really not that ashamed at all. People suck, I am people, hence from time to time I suck. No, that doesn't make it okay. No that doesn't mean I'm just going through the motions, it's just is.

All those things out there that have happened to us have happened to other people to - you're never alone. Broken hearts, hurt feelings, poor decision making, bad hair days, and on and on and on. We're just another piece of the puzzle this is this, well, whatever this is.
These are things I try to remember when I get depressed or angry with myself.

I'm just human. Flawed.

As I make my way down this road accepting the fact that all those things that I've always been I still am and there is nothing wrong with it. I accept the fact that I'm not perfect and that I don't think I'm settling into myself to create a false sense of happiness, because I'm not settling. I'm growing.

I'm so much stronger now than I've ever been. I speak my mind more, I don't take people's shit more, I sound like a gay pride parade in my head, I'm here! Get used to it! (I'm not queer in that sense so I'll leave it out.)

My "I'm sorry" list is small and there are a few I've moved to last place.

Why?

I need more time, I need more strength, I need to be centered and I need to know that it may hurt but I'll get past it. (Yes, I'll save that for next July. One month shy of the end of this project.)

For now though I'm going to concentrate on the fact that I'm slowly freaking out about class starting on Monday, because I'm scared out of my ever loving mind - 6 hours of yoga is a long, long, long, long time.

I can do this right? RIGHT?!! RIGHT!!!!!!

just keep swimming

***Note to self: One less burden to carry on my shoulders when you just say you're sorry, especially when you know that you should. If you do the "teaching them a lesson" thing, chances are you're only hurting yourself. Chances are they've forgotten or it doesn't have the same meaning to them. So then what? Then you're only hurting yourself.

And trust me... you're just too pretty for that.***

Go tell someone you're sorry for hurting them - it's never too late to say that you're sorry

can you believe I've been doing this for almost 3 months?
neither can I...



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