Thursday, October 22, 2009

Memories - no, not the song.

For  some reason I decided it would be fun to just ignore life these past few days... yes... oh emotional me and my need to over think and only find the bad side of life...

Tomorrow I'm going to a yoga class and it's game back on. This overly "the world hates me" life I've decided to embody is annoying and I'm done. What happens happens and I hope those things will be good things, BUT I will say this... in my "cleaning out the world" I've been doing I found this devastatingly dejected poem I wrote about losing someone and how my heart was broken - this just added to my crazy need to crawl under a rock this week - and I sat there and had a moment where I realized I relished those things.

No. I don't want my heart broken.
I like my heart, all happy and filled with blood and happy blood... (I had a few with dinner... sorry)
But at least I have lived long enough to be able to say I have loved that hard that it hurt that bad when I knew it was over.

I'm sure my heart will be broken again, and I say bring it on - because I want to have at least 10 more perfect loves before I die. (and I don't mean husbands - love isn't only restricted to that sort of relationship in my mind. Yes, I'm that woman that says "I love you" and I mean it and then you go and get all freaky cuz you think that it means I want to have your babies - I don't.)

[one of my favorite quotes ever: "Why is it that we don't always recognize the moment when love begins but we always know when it ends? " L.A. Story, Steve Martin]

So here is one of those poem... I don't even know when it's from, but it was written by hand, something I hardly ever do these days...
I hope you like it...

mostly I hope I'm wrong
even though I know for once I'm right
the illusions I built around me are strong
stronger than I could have ever imagined
stronger than the cables on a suspension bridge
they hold me up
for if they snap I would drown

but the water somehow looks comforting
as though its cool liquid could baptize me
wash away my sins

I'd ask for forgiveness
even process my own reconciliation
with infused oils and smokey scents
if I thought it would help

but it wouldn't

baptism would take too much away
and I fear then I would know nothing
feel nothing
remember nothing

mostly I know when I was right
but that was the moment I had to decided
and that decision brought me here
a place not many understand
because we all think the actor somehow gets
reprieve since they initiated the action

it's never that easy

part of me hopes the illusion will stay intact
and I will remain suspended
letting the water carry life on as I hang there
wondering if I'll ever get it right.

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