Monday, November 2, 2009

Being crazy has never been this much fun...

As you all know, I like to come on here an write every day. EVERY DAY! Good or bad, but life has a funny way of making that not happen.

School has a funny way of making that not happen.

But last night I dragged my tired butt up the steps to my "office" and finally hit the little button on the back of this white box of streaming information and mozied on over here.

After 2 1/2 days of sun salutations, meditations, examinations, adjustments, and blocked emotions, it's hard to come onto here and write about anything that would at all resemble a cohesive thought. I mean, yes, it amuses me to use sanskrit words - to dot them through out a post simply because I have to remember them and because, as stated in the great movie, PCU "Sanskrit? You're majoring in a 5,000 year old dead language? Hmm... Latin's the best I can do. NEXT!"
But honestly, my head is swimming mostly with mantras and chants that I do, in fact love, but couldn't (at this moment) tell you what they mean, unless I just went and got my notes.

My point is simple - even if getting to it isn't.
I don't want to give up on my goals - even when I feel run down and as though I'm climbing up a mountain.

Throughout this whole journey I've embarked on I've made some realizations (my goals):
#1 - I want to write
#2 - I want to change
#3 - I want to grow

And sometimes growth is tiring.

So today arrived and I had this grand plans all laid out for me:
Yoga class this morning (because the 7+ on the mat over the weekend just wasn't enough), then I was going to cut down the pumpkins and make them into mush for cooking, clean, go to the library, work on a book project that I've been neglecting, laundry, watch SGU (my new favorite TV show) and all of this before 4pm.

I didn't make it to yoga.
I realized at 4 am, as I was lying on my couch half nauseous from lack of sleep and from listening to my son cry because BOY did we break him from that "sleeping through the night" habit that the world finds so convenient, and last night was the first night of fixing that.
At one point, with one eye open, I was surfing the internet - reading blogs from some good fellow yogi's about life, meditation, balance and I felt tears roll down my cheeks. No, I wasn't crying - my eyes were watering because I'm blind and I didn't have my contacts or glasses on - instead my hand was poised about an inch from my face - my iPhone a little too bright.

I knew that yoga was gonna have to take a day off. And I hated it.

So I started compiling a list of other things I needed to do. I could do some research on yoga items I wanted to know for our next weekend of learning:
- see if I can find an adequate posture assisting book
- look for chair modifications for older, not as mobile students (seniors)
- update my notes

and on and on and on...

Now it's half past 3 and I've done a little bit of reading, made it to the library, washed my yoga mat, straightened the house, ate a little food, and loaded the audiobook I snatched up at the library (and another CD) onto my iTunes.

(and you even believe there was a time that this couldn't happen in our lives? craziness...)

Most days I'm against audiobooks - too many years working in a book store - too many years writing - I've been left jaded with this image of Jo in "Little Women." I just want my words on dead tree and I want you to read them.

You know... like you are right now... yyeeeeeuuuuup!

After the hypocrisy sank in, I said yes to audio. Plus I look at it this way. There is a part of the day when I'm too tired to read, but too awake to sleep - so this little gem known as an "audiobook" may just be the salvation I've been looking for!

Yes, I used to use this time to meditate - but I had an experience (all that freaky deeky stuff you normally want to happen... when you're not ready  for it... kinda scary) so right now I need a little time off from meditation. I will still practice the concepts of it, but luring myself into a deep meditation is something I'm putting on hold - I'm not ready, not right now.

So here I am, watching the sun set at 3 in the afternoon (WTF?), my house seems to be in order, my family should be home soon - that means starting a big project is a bad idea. I could nap, but thats a bad idea too seen then I won't be able to sleep tonight - and I see my iPhone staring at me saying, "you have an audiobook... YOU HAVE AN AUDIOBOOK!!! LISSSTENNNN TOOO THE AUDDDIOOOOBOOOOOOK!!!"


Lesson learned. Audiobooks are like manna from heaven.
You can clean your whole house as your are amused by the words of a talented writer. You can laugh and say out loud, "Preaching to the choir sister!" As you scrub bottles and sweep floors.

The book is Eat. Pray. Love. by Elizabeth Gilbert.

I've had about 20 people tell me I need to read this book, but I don't have time and I normally don't like to read New Age life altering, autobiographical types of books - which this book is. So to fix that little issue, I joined this book group that only picks this type of spiritual life altering books - and here we are!

Why am I the most judgmental idiot on this blessed rock?

I'm a walking stigma! I can't do this because of that. Can't do that because of this.
Can't live a fun life without gipping myself of some wonderful things because... ??
I have no reason.
Because I think too much.

Which would be why I was meditating... oh what an evil web I've weaved myself into...

But that's not the funny part.
The funny part is that when I listen to my iPhone, normally, I listen to the music on shuffle.
Which I can't seem to turn off - so the whole first disk of Eat. Pray. Love. I heard out of order and you know what - it still made sense.

And now I sit here knowing that I only have moments of silence left and that if I want more silence in my life I will have to wait till later tonight when both of my men are asleep and I think about those days when I'm so tired that I go to bed at 9:30 on a Saturday night and I know that next time I'm just gonna drag my but here first because my life is running out and this is something I need to do for me - and you know what? It really is working.
And the next time someone makes a suggestion, maybe before I get all "I would NEVER do that!" judgmental in their faces, maybe I should stop and see what they're peddling...

But for now - Eat. Pray. Love. - E. Gilbert.

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