Sunday, November 29, 2009

Crazy little life

It's late, but I'm not that tired, which is weird because I barely had any sleep last night.
Today has mostly been a blur. I slept on the couch and then when I woke I played with my son, decorated for the holidays and studied... a lot.

Now here I sit.

I spent a very long part of my life just doing things to do them. Never really having any sort of depth, I never had to worry about anything. That made things so simple it was unreal! BUT! If there is one thing about life, the moment it's just too easy, everything changes.

The carpet is pulled out from under your feet and you suddenly do nothing but curse the heavens for their dismissal.

What did YOU do?
How could this happen to YOU!??

When my life began to move forward and I noticed, when I finally realized that I had built my life on a foundation of sand, I was so surprised that I was having any sort of realization at all.
The best way to describe it was I was dead.
Because I was.

I spent so much time trying to BE something that I wasn't I never had a chance to explore being me. The real me. And you know what? I'm pretty cool.

Okay... so now I'm having body issues - which is totally absurd seeing that I'm in 10,000x better shape now than I was then - but sobriety takes away the crutch for way too long. Yes, I still drink - but not like before. Two years ago I could pound a 12 pack on my own and walk away, now I have four (in one month) and I'm crawling to my bed.

And I really like that about me.

Quantity is just quantity. Just because I had a lot of something didn't mean it was a lot of anything good.

With every tired step, moment of worry, and moments of desperation for something stable I exhale knowing that these moments when life is so hard, these are the real moments. The ones that change you.

I do things now, yes, to do them - but my appreciation is very different, because tomorrow I may not have the same chances as I do right now, and yesterday is so gone all I can see is a line of the horizon. I know that one day all the things I've always dreamed of will now FOR SURE come true, just as I know tomorrow my son will lie in my arms and then the sun will rise. It's all part of the plan.

I'm glad the detour is over. It was one hell of a trip, but you - yes you tomorrow... I'll be seeing you soon and when I do, I'll be the one squealing like a sorority girl at the airport seeing her long lost sister. (who left only two days before.)

Now, go give yourself a hug - because your time is here now too.
Have a wonderful night.


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