Saturday, November 28, 2009

I don't know...


I don't know why

I don't know why there are certain things I just can't let go of
Maybe it's because one of the "things" is actually a person
Maybe it's because I prefer to use gluttony in conjunction with self inflicted pain

One can not be too sure (I hope it's because it's a person... not sure yet thought)

I don't know why I can forgive the same people over and over and over
But I can't seem to forgive myself
Maybe it's due to the extensive lesson in self depreciation I learned as a roman catholic
Maybe it's due to low self esteem

But maybe those two things are the same...

I don't know why I insist on eating dairy even though I know my body will hate me for it
Or why I hate myself
Or why I call myself names in my head

When I talk about this out loud I'm met with shock
When I think about it in my head I'm met with mass confusion

I tell myself that one day it will all be fine, my feet will be planted on solid ground and I will be the woman I want to be. I AM that woman now.

I'm a writer
a yogi
a wife and a mother
I am charismatic
and fun
and worth those five minutes
I'm smart
and funny
and I have a big heart

I'm worth it

the grass is always greener
their lives are always much more glamorous
and they are the luckiest - until you get to know them
and then you realize we're all just messed up in the head

I don't know why that I can look at this life
and know that it will be over
but still be lazy
take short cuts
look at the shitty side

I just don't know.

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