Thursday, November 5, 2009

I lost count a while ago but I'm about 1/4 of the way there...

There are days I can't figure anything out and this would be one of them.

I've attempted to study all day and am at a loss - yes, I've accomplished some things but it never seems enough. I always feel like I fall short, in every aspect of my life...

Yes, no one said life was easy, but mostly I just wish they would have said something rather than complaining all the time about how much it sucks...

Sorta like I'm doing right now...

I was doing well and then this week just flew by - now my energy is scattered and I'm almost out of time, but I keep telling myself to look towards the future because 4.5 months I'll be done. I do have other diplomas but this one means the most to me.

Little known fact - I've taken film classes and have completed them - meaning I can edit, shoot, etc. Never did anything with it... hmmm... I always said it was because I was poor (movies cost money) but that's not it. In the end I'd rather write the movie than shoot it.

But now I'm just rambling...

I was mostly depressed all day so I went for the route of distraction:

I made some pumpkin butter, pumpkin bread, pumpkin and cranberry bread. Learned the Anasura Invocation (mostly) and taught my husband the sun salutation. I also translated both A & B salutations into my own words. I read and then I played with my son.

I did learn something today. Two years ago I could barely walk up a flight of stairs without getting out of breath, tonight I ran laps around my dinning room table for about 15 minutes (because my son kept laughing at me) and then finished up with a half hour game of "Chase the Baby!" and I wasn't out of breath.

Never really smoke, hardly drink, workout almost every day, try to eat healthy... and all those years I made fun of people like me... don't I feel silly! LOL!

Oh well, you can't change the past so why the hell should you dwell on it?

I feel like I should read, but I need to write, so that's what I'm going to do.

But before I go, here's one more thing I started doing to further this quest I'm on.
Every day when I wake up I try to find something good to concentrate on for that day.

An intention.

After nights like last night, when I woke up at 3:30 and every bad thing in the world flooded into my head, I need to find something that resembles a silver lining or I'd probably do something bad like try to kick someone's butt.

Some days it's a person who I think needs extra love in their life. (they may be someone I know and love, know and hate or maybe that nice man that helped me unload my groceries today while my hands where filled with one-year-old...)
Some days it's something I want to do - like make 40 variations of pumpkin good that I can dole out to people.
Some days, it's just a smile in my heart - because even the bad days have their purpose.

They make the good days shine just a little bit brighter.

Good night

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